AIBU not to help DD out with childcare?

[reesep]

DD has a son with special needs age 5, and a daughter age 1.

She has requested I look after them one day at a weekend, every month. She has also requested I do some daytime childcare during the school holidays

This is so she can get into nursing. She's desperate to be a nurse and has been accepted into a Healthcare Assistant role on bank, meaning she can pick shifts

AIBU not to provide such rigid help? It's too much of an expectation and I can't handle it

I do feel bad but it's just too much. She also lives 1.5 hours away so it would mean bringing the DC here

AIBU?

I have family members who have often suggested I wouldn't be able to do certain things (travel places with my dc on my own, cope with pets, dc and full-time work while do worked away, pass additional qualifications) and I managed them all just fine, because I'm best placed to make decisions about my life. I suspect the adult dd is also able to make decisions about her life.

Seriously? The DD actually seems a bit of a dreamer. She always wanted to be a nurse, but she had 2 children instead; the second in a somewhat ropey marriage And instead of waiting till the DC were older, she wants to do it now when her DC are one and 5. And her plans involve OP who lives 1.5 hours away providing childcare.

So, maybe she has a plan that she isn't speaking about. Maybe she understands the restricts if the nurse course she is looking at better than the op. But the op seems to think she should be the one to say whether this is possible or not, and it isn't her place.

If you read OP's posts, it doesn't sound like she has a plan at all. If she has, she certainly isn't sharing it with OP. You know the one she has asked to provide childcare! The OP is only saying it is not realistic based on her providing childcare. If the DD can make a realistic plan without involving OP, then of course she has no say in whether it is possible or not.

@reesep how do you see things as you get older? Are you happy to go into a home or will you be relying on your dd for care? I think its worth considering and reflecting on. My mum has never helped me with childcare. She has never wanted to, and that's her prerogative. Its her life and her choice. When the time comes, I will have no issues with being equally as stand offish when she needs support. There will be none coming from me. My mother in law on the other hand who has been there for my family in every way will be moving in with us in the next couple of years when she is no longer able to live independently. I will be there for her until the end just as she has been there for me.
Just something to reflect on.

Your mum is different to the OP then, who has offered support.

What a sad thread.

Op you are under no obligation to help with childcare, and I don't disagree that nursing would be a difficult career choice in her situation (but there are roles with more family friendly hours once she is experienced enough eg practice nurse, school nurse, CNS). But it is sad that you aren't willing to support your daughter at all, to enable her to have any career, or indeed respite.

As others have pointed out, if you rarely see your dd and her children, then be prepared for a distant relationship, and a lack of willingness to help when you might need help.

Could you offer her any support at all?

As others have pointed out, if you rarely see your dd and her children, then be prepared for a distant relationship, and a lack of willingness to help when you might need help.

She sees them weekly.

Well, OP has two other children. The posters gleefully anticipating OP being fucked off to the worst institution they can think of seem to be overlooking that small fact.

That said, it’s always best to make concrete plans in regard to future care, rather than assume your children will do it (that’s if you even want them to do it). They may be unable or unwilling to.

Why is the OP getting piled on for not giving support rather than the children’s actual father or even his parents?

Yanbu, and I think people are completely wrong who are saying you are. You don’t owe her childcare and that’s that.

Haven't you read the memo?

Because as a grandmother who has two other children to care for, including one at primary school, your main responsibility is to your adult daughter and grandchildren.

When our kids had their kids we made it clear we did not mind helping out but we would not be providing childcare. We have actually done more than our fare share due to certain problems they have had but as far as I am concerned that is a bonus. We brought up our kids and I’m not bringing up another set of kids. Helping out is OK but that is all. Not regular childcare.

@reesep how do you see things as you get older? Are you happy to go into a home or will you be relying on your dd for care? I think its worth considering and reflecting on. My mum has never helped me with childcare. She has never wanted to, and that's her prerogative. Its her life and her choice. When the time comes, I will have no issues with being equally as stand offish when she needs support. There will be none coming from me. My mother in law on the other hand who has been there for my family in every way will be moving in with us in the next couple of years when she is no longer able to live independently. I will be there for her until the end just as she has been there for me. Just something to reflect on.

Sounds like blackmail to me. You do know that the vast majority of old people do not go into care homes? And many of those that do simply have needs to great for their loving children to care for them? Especially as those children are often in their 60s and 70s themselves.

Anyway, OP has 2 younger children to think about. Those children will be affected when 1 weekend a month and the odd day during the holidays turns into practically full time care. They may also reflect on their childhoods when their DM becomes old.

This is so true. All the gleeful "I will be choosing her nursing home" posts on Mumsnet ignore the fact that responsible adults make advanced plans for their care rather than depending on offspring who think of them only as free childcare and an inheritance.

Op you are under no obligation to help with childcare, and I don't disagree that nursing would be a difficult career choice in her situation (but there are roles with more family friendly hours once she is experienced enough eg practice nurse, school nurse, CNS). But it is sad that you aren't willing to support your daughter at all, to enable her to have any career, or indeed respite.

OP might be quite happy to provide some childcare and respite. What she is not prepared to do is regular childcare for her DD to pursue her dream while her children are so young.

Nope, nothing gleeful in my post.

In fairness, it does sound a bit gleeful!

Lol, except of course the wishful thinking that OP receives punishment for her supposed crime of not providing childcare.

Despite the fact there’s been not even a hint that OP anticipated receiving elder care from her daughter, or indeed any of her children.

It really isn’t the threat some people like to think it is.

But, let’s play a game and imagine quid pro quo is how it goes. OP can’t expect elder care, and her daughter can’t expect any inheritance.

Is it just me but I hardly think a 10 year old and 15 year old are young children . One day a month and help in holidays , isn't actually a life long commitment. And what about families working together to help each other. It would not be any harm for the OP DCs to help out during the holidays . It would make them compassionate and showing kindness to their older sister and DCs . Too many DCs are not given any responsibilities and are too protected . Dare I even say spoilt? No expectations of any help within the family.

But how is one day a month going to help her do her nurse training?

Or piss them off and make them resentful. ‘Make them compassionate’ is a nice soundbite I suppose, but is hardly a guaranteed reality.

Why should they be made responsible? And who knows exactly what OP’s kids contribute in regards to the family anyway? Or is ‘providing childcare’ the dividing line between spoilt and unspoilt?

There is no indication the OP and here daughter don't have a good relationship,they see each other regularly.
If my daughter had a baby now I would babysit but I wouldn't have the stamina now to care for it days on end.
I am a nurse,42 years and thinking you can do nurse training without robust wrap around care for 3 years is a pipe dream.
Also benefits can be affected because bursaries and maintenance loans count as income.

What happens when the DD qualifies as a nurse and her child that already needs 2:1 care is bigger and she needs someone to do the school run and care for him in the holidays? As well as look after the younger one.

As a parent carer of a 20 year old who can't go out alone or be left home on his own I can tell you now there is no childcare for children with SEN of secondary+ age. At least not here, before I'm bombarded with posters who have great respite and can do a full time job with an adult DC with disabilities.

The only job I've managed to have in that time was as a TA in a neighbouring mainstream school to the special school my DC went to. And even then I had to leave when a change of head happened and they weren't happy with my reduced hours and pushed me out.

It's sad that she's always wanted to do this, but it's a huge impact on your family unfortunately.

Weird how so many other posters are told that grandparents have every right to say no to providing childcare, yet the OP is being blasted for doing just that!

@whumpthereitis you been smoking something? How on earth do you know what I am thinking?

Do people genuinely think it's acceptable for a 10 and 15 year old to have significant involvement in the care of their 5 year old nephew- who lest we forget has 2 adults looking after as 1 is deemed not enough- or a 1 year old baby ?

If Dnephew was a standard 5 year old then maybe, just maybe they could chip in a bit during the holidays. But it seems utterly ridiculous to me that they would be expected to in the actual circumstances. Plus will they be doing the 1.5hr journey twice a day ?

It's just errant nonsense. Yes if it was genuinely one day a month and say two weeks a year of school holidays, it just might be doable. But OP knows it will not be, and DD knows it as well otherwise she wouldn't be shrugging her shoulders and refusing to discuss it.

I actually think it's quite disturbing the way some posters are so keen to make the selfish granny and Dd fulfilling her dreams narrative work, that they're prepared to throw away the childhoods of the OPs actual DCs.

Inference. Sadly doesn’t require me to smoke, snort, or inject anything (although it may be more fun if did).

I actually think it's quite disturbing the way some posters are so keen to make the selfish granny and Dd fulfilling her dreams narrative work, that they're prepared to throw away the childhoods of the OPs actual DCs.

MN cares more about the rights of mums than anyone else. Even children. (See endless threads about how nurseries/schools should take sick kids cos mums need to work).