To say "organised fun" isn't a bad thing?

[toastedcat]

I'm hosting some family around Christmas time who we don't often see. We all get on well.

There's been talk of board games and a quiz, the usual Christmassy sort of stuff. My cousin has just told me that his wife hates "organised fun" and anything like games or quizzes are basically her idea of hell.

Now I kind of feel like she might think we're all a bunch of losers and/or she'll feel uncomfortable.

Those who hate "organised fun", can you tell me why so I can understand a bit more? She isn't shy so it's not that.

But AIBU to suggest that she either stays home with the kids if she doesn't want to join in, or just comes along and either doesn't play or just sucks it up and joins in?

I agree with this.
I think some planned activities in which all ages can join in and enjoy together is great.

We've had some of our best laughs with family games: grandad mishearing constantly, or obviously cheating to outraged squeals from the kids, Grandma constantly forgetting the rules and having to be called back from getting another gin and tonic. Kids knowing the rules better than anyone so taking charge of the grownups and loving it. Getting obsessed with one game and secretly planning strategy with team mates before the next game. The time auntie Julie was actually crying laughing and couldn't breathe so we all ended up crying with laughter but couldn't remember why. The time the youngest won at trivial pursuit and we realised times really had changed!

The activities are planned, the fun is natural and dependent on the willingness to be fun of the group.

I like a chat but once you've done a couple of hours and have caught up on everyone's holiday plans, health, house renovation and what they're watching on Netflix I'm going silently stir crazy and need to do something.

Having said all that if someone really doesn't want to play they shouldn't have to.

But playing is fun and we don't do enough of it. Adults or kids.

I like it when someone organised some activities to bring people together and get them talking, just in case it doesn't happen naturally. I always think if someone's gone to the trouble of organising it, so I don't have to, then the least I can do is be an enthusiastic participant instead of the moaning whinyarse who is very vocal about what they don't like but never seems to suggest any better alternatives.

Don’t you just say to your cousin, privately - I assume that’s how he’s told you she doesn’t like ‘organised fun’? - that of course it won’t be wall-to-walk compulsory activities and there’s no obligation to join in if she’d rather bring a book/watch TV, etc.

You can't organise fun. You can only organise activities and hope they'll be fun. If they're not you stay open to changing them. As long as you don't stick rigidly to your schedule haranguing everyone into joining in, I think its fine to have a but of structure, especially when it's groups who wouldn't necessarily chose each other as social companions. Tell her you're having the activities but they're optional.

To me, "organised fun" is Butlins, Hi-de-Hi type activities, hen nights - dear god, please no! - and other tedious events. Board games and a quiz, on the other hand, are right up my street.

I am competitive though, and I can't think of anything I loathe more than "catching up" with people over a glass of wine. The people I know who enjoy that consider "catching up" to be synonymous with "boasting about their career / kids / holidays / house", which is of zero interest to me, and, worse, prying into your affairs, which I also cannot stand as I neither wish to boast, nor moan about my life. I'd rather talk about something interesting, argue about a poorly researched quiz question or bicker over the house rules for a board game.

How do you ‘show off about how clever you think you are’ and get ‘insanely competitive’ over a question about someone socks, that can only be guessed at….?

I am team your in-laws 100%. 😬

But AIBU to suggest that she either stays home with the kids if she doesn't want to join in, or just comes along and either doesn't play or just sucks it up and joins in?

Yes, Ywould BU to suggest she stays at home.
Is there a reason you can't just say "Some of us are going to play X now" or "We've got a Quiz now for those who want to", and, on the day, at the time, all the people there can choose to either play the games / do the quiz, or to sit and relax with a book or a puzzle or have a nap or play on their phone or whatever they prefer.
Surely you want everyone to enjoy their Christmas ?

In terms of explaining - I'm confused that you can't see being made to join in something you don't enjoy isn't a fun way to spend an evening, or an afternoon.

How would you feel if someone invited you for dinner, then you found out they all stand around the piano afterwards and each have to sing a song or recite a poem ?
Or if you were invited to a BBQ then found out that the hosts thought everyone would think it a hoot if they were made to run up and down the garden doing egg and spoon races or sack races ?
Or you were invited round to some new friends' house and got there and found you were being expected to take part in a swingers party ?

We all enjoy life in different ways and we all have things we really, really don't like doing. I'm puzzled you can't see that.

Invite people, feed them, and offer the entertainment that you enjoy as an option for those who want it.

Those who hate "organised fun", can you tell me why so I can understand a bit more? She isn't shy so it's not that.

Agree, @Kite22 .

OP - I don’t know what you’re looking for in response to the above ^^ other than ‘they don’t find it fun or enjoyable’.

But your examples - public singing, running, sex with strangers - are quite a long way from playing a board game. Some people are rubbish at singing or running and the public scrutiny would be awful but it's impossible to be rubbish at a board game.

I think, left to their own devices, some people would prefer going on their phones or reading as pp have said but then a room full of ten people all ignoring each other to read or go on their phones isn't much of a family get-together and it isn't much fun for any children present. On balance, I think a bit of low-stakes organisation is preferable to a room full of people doing what they do on the other 364 days a year.

I prefer organised fun to disorganised fun in many ways. I want to be social but am on the shy side. Going out for drinks or a party requires a lot of conversation, small talk, etc. If there's some kind of activity or focus, it is so much easier to join in.

I don’t like organised fun because

1. you have to participate in a pre planned event that you might not like or want to join in with but it’s rude not to because it’s preplanned and effort went into it
2. it always goes on for too long
3. it’s always awkward
4. spontaneous fun is always genuinely fun and enjoyable whereas organised fun is fun like 1/10 times.

Optional games and quizzes, fine: someone in the kitchen cooking something festive, someone else at the table with a glass of wine keeping them company, people reading on the sofa, little kids playing, someone building the fire, those that want to gathered round a Monopoly board, that all sounds lovely.

”Come over on X date for our Christmas games night, we’ll be doing a quiz – watch out, Uncle Maurice! Haha! – and plenty of games: let me know if you want to do family teams or mix and match.” – wildly unrelaxing, would rather have norovirus.

If you don’t see this group very often, why ruin a chance to catch up and have fun?

Nowhere in my original post did I say we would be running a tight schedule of games and that they are mandatory for people to take part in. But it seems that for a lot of people, that is what the mention of board games conjures...

Also amazed that you think having a board game is going to "ruin" a chance to catch up. If anything it'll mean we all actually DO spend quality time together. Usually I end up only talking to the kids as they always want to take me off and show me things; which is fine, but sometimes I'd like to spend time with the adults!

There you go, then. So just reassure your cousin that it doesn’t mean compulsory engagement in the board game or quiz, and everyone’s expectations are aligned.

You might be getting a second hand interpretation of what the woman in question is really thinking, from her DH I mean. Just follow up with “don’t worry, there’ll be plenty of food and wine and space to just chill out and chat if that’s what you prefer.” And leave them to it.

I don’t particularly like the idea of organised fun either tbh, but I wouldn’t be a rude twat about a kind invitation either.

Haha, fair! But don’t you see that everyone has their own interpretations and expectations and experiences? So you can clearly picture exactly how you think things might go, with a good catch-up round a board game; while cousin’s wife, based on the same information but with a different set of experiences and nuances – and, crucially, no access to your brain! – pictures something miserable and awkward. And your description does still sound like there isn’t an “opt out and drink wine in the kitchen” option.

My family have done games and quizzes and such so I’m not totally averse, and often the quiz then becomes secondary to falling apart drunk with laughter, it’s just the mechanism to get everyone to sit in one room. But I’ve also had the in-laws who hector and insist and take it all Very Seriously, No Fun Allowed There Are Rules and You Must Join In, and naturally it’s made me wary of “there’ll be games and a quiz!”

I love quizzes and board games at family events but I only speak for myself

I HATE organised fun. I don't hate board games or quizzes, I actually enjoy them a lot, but I hate being expected to join in and I would rather not attend an event where I was expected to do so. If your invitation was framed to say something along the lines of 'we have lots of things to do if you would like to, but of course nobody has to join in' then you might get a better response.

I think organised fun at a Christmas party is great - as long as you know everyone there well. If you barely know anyone then it would be my idea of hell. There's always in jokes and a certain way people do things, particular expectations etc Does SIL know everyone really well?

@stuntbubbles thanks for your reply, I do see where you're coming from of course. I suppose for me I just feel a bit hurt somehow that she's ignoring the invite and won't come, just because people have mentioned there being board games and/or a quiz. She's known us all for 15 years, she's not a new member of the family. We never see each other and lots will be travelling reasonably far. Just seems a shame to have family coming from 2hrs away and she won't attend based on this one thing.

Also it's worth noting we aren't a games playing family. At all. We aren't sporty or competitive. If anything we are all completely the opposite. This is quite a curveball for us!

(Update -- she's sent a message to the group chat to say that it's her sisters birthday that day but hopes we have fun. But two other family members have voted to change the date to ensure she can come... I wish she'd just be honest!)

If the rest of the family enjoy it go for it, SIL will be glad of a n hour or so in her room reading or scrolling on her phone.

But how do you catch up while playing Monopoly? Or doing a quiz? I too am not a fan, nor do I see them as quality time - they make me feel stuck doing something I don't enjoy and would much prefer casual conversation (when you actually can catch up without being interrupted by "your turn!" And "You've landed on Park Lane, I own that, now you owe me a squillion pounds.) I would really struggle to join anyone for this sort of thing (my PIL love a quiz, and my MIL gets really competitive, and cries if she doesn't win. Same with Trivial Pursuits. It's a nightmare.) I'm quite happy to play Racing Demon with my DCs though. But those games are quick.

It always entertains me that the people who wang on about wanting ‘spontaneous fun’ never do anything to make this mythical spontaneous fun happen. Even if they can peel themselves off their sofa and attend a gathering, they are always the people sitting around with a gob on, waiting for other people to entertain them and staring at their phones.

Even if the spontaneous fun knocked on their door they probably wouldn’t answer.

(Update -- she's sent a message to the group chat to say that it's her sisters birthday that day but hopes we have fun. But two other family members have voted to change the date to ensure she can come... I wish she'd just be honest!)

Isn’t it actually MORE likely that she was waiting to see what her sister wanted to do for her birthday/arranging things with her sister, and not replying because of that? Why not take that at face value rather than inventing a reason that she’s avoiding people she’s known and liked for 15 years in case there’s a quiz?

I really think you’ve added 2+2 and got 5.