... To want to give up work

[ItWasneaMe]

Ever since I went back to work ft, my house has been a complete tip. No one helps with the housework. I have 3 adult children: one who is at uni, other 2 live at home. The eldest has turned into a hoarder and his room is full of rubbish, dirty dishes and unwashed laundry. The middle son is messy too and keeps dishes in his room. Even my DH leaves his stuff in a mess - I have to clamber over his clothes to open the curtains and if he can't find a shirt, he just goes to the shops and buys more, rather than put his stuff away.

When I was at home ft, I used to spend one day a week in each room, so it would be clean. Plus all the laundry & hanging things up. Now nothing gets done. Clean clothes are in a pile by my side of the bed, which gets moved into a pile on the landing when I get fed up.

When will they ever grow up & stop assuming I'm OK with this? I've lost count of the family 'meetings' to try to sort things & the ongoing tension. I hate coming home & am too embarrassed to have friends round.

Help!

Sorry meant to say, should I give up work & go back to being Mum?

Maybe kick the adults out?

Or even better move out and leave them all to roll around in their own filth?

No you should kick them out

No. Tell the lazy sods to clean up. Ban eating in their rooms. Make a housework rota. Have a family meeting and tell them to shape up.

Why should you sacrifice your income and career for their laziness. Make them move out unless they pull their weight.

I work full time and am mum, you wouldn’t be giving up your job to be a mum, especially to adults. How are your adult kids ever going to learn if you give up your job to do everything for them, that’s not good parenting! Be firmer, and don’t clean their rooms or do their laundry.

Is this a joke? By the sound of it your being “mum” has gone on far too long.

Get your family to pull their finger out and get back to work. If you want them to respect you, stop enabling this

Do the 2 at home work? Don’t give them any money unless they earn it around the house. Or charge them a small rent that will be used to employ a cleaner if they don’t do it.

What would happen if you stopped doing all cooking and washing? Or put up a rota and try calmly and authoritatively telling them that this is going to happen or they’re out.

The eldest has turned into a hoarder and his room is full of rubbish, dirty dishes and unwashed laundry.

Needs to be nipped in the bud before it escalates. Is he depressed? Does he need some sort of mental health help?

Change the wifi password - when they have all cleaned their rooms they get the new password! Keep doing this every time you want them to clear up! They will quickly learn 😉

How would quitting work and becoming their unpaid slave help matters?

When I was at home ft, I used to spend one day a week in each room, so it would be clean. Plus all the laundry & hanging things up. Now nothing gets done.

Well maybe this is where you went wrong.
Do you really think it will help them grow up if you go back to treating them like babies ?

Yeah, definitely give up your job to become a full time domestic drudge to 3 grown arseholes 🙄

Is there a spare room cos of one at uni? If so - move into it.

Keep your own room how you like it. Close the door on their rooms. Shit left in the living area? Sweep the whole lot into a large bin kept for the purpose. End of the - into the wheelie bin it goes.

I’d divorce a man like your husband though.

I mean… it’s not like our paid work should define us, but in a random conversation with new people, wouldn’t you be ashamed to say that you didn’t work a paid job, because you were cleaning up after 3 adults? I’d be mortified. You’d have to lie.

Posts like this irritate me so much. What is this sexist garbage? Every adult in your home is responsible for its upkeep. They are not ‘helping’ you when they pull their weight.

Why are you tolerating being treated like a dogsbody? No more bloody meetings, your adult DC do their part of they get out. You’re raising arseholes.

Then ask your DH why it’s your job to pick up after him. His answer should be illuminating.

Exactly.

And give your husband the mother of a kick up the arse.

are you asking if you should quit your job and independence so you can be a stay at home mum to 3 adults, one of whom is your husband? no I don’t think you should.

if the adults who are your children can’t live at least vaguely within your rules, they either need to pay a lot of rent and you can hire a cleaner or they need to leave.

your husband is obviously another issue

Yikes, no. Don't give up work to clean up for your adult children!

I was coming on to say I've just massively reduced my working hours and so far ahem...one day in it's amazing and I did it for a number of reasons, one of which is to keep on top of the house. But your situation is very different.

Only if your menfolk are going to be paying you a salary and pension contributions.

They don’t look at you as mum, they look at you as a skivvy because you’ve always done everything for them! Mums aren’t skivvys or maids. I feel sorry for your DS’s future partners, they’ll be expecting them to wait on them hand and foot. You spent a day a week cleaning their rooms? Fuck that! You’ve made a rod for own back OP and there’s no way I would live with a partner who was so disgusting not to pick their clothes up - raise your standards for goodness sake and stop being a maid to them.

No.

Give up on your lazy disrespectful menfolk.

Tell your husband he either steps up or your split up - & mean it.
If he won't step up ... there'd be a period of unhappiness, confusion & sadness, & then once the assets are split, you'd have only yourself to look after. Imagine what it would be like - actively looking forward to going home to a nice teeny house or flat that you can welcome friends to without embarrassment.

I've lost count of the family 'meetings' to try to sort things & the ongoing tension.

Why is there always at least 1 PP on threads about lazy men who imagines that all OP needs to do is ... tell them to behave themselves, & they will suddenly, miraculously shape up?

Yeah, do this OP.

While you get the house valued & see a solicitor.

Make a housework rota and tell them to stick to it or move out.

It really is that simple.

There are 4 adults living here - me, my DH and my 2 adult sons. We share the home so we clean the home.

They clean up or they fuck off.

Including the husband.

Why aren't you losing your living shit rather than enabling this?

My 11 year old is better than all the adults in your house.