... To want to give up work

[ItWasneaMe]

Ever since I went back to work ft, my house has been a complete tip. No one helps with the housework. I have 3 adult children: one who is at uni, other 2 live at home. The eldest has turned into a hoarder and his room is full of rubbish, dirty dishes and unwashed laundry. The middle son is messy too and keeps dishes in his room. Even my DH leaves his stuff in a mess - I have to clamber over his clothes to open the curtains and if he can't find a shirt, he just goes to the shops and buys more, rather than put his stuff away.

When I was at home ft, I used to spend one day a week in each room, so it would be clean. Plus all the laundry & hanging things up. Now nothing gets done. Clean clothes are in a pile by my side of the bed, which gets moved into a pile on the landing when I get fed up.

When will they ever grow up & stop assuming I'm OK with this? I've lost count of the family 'meetings' to try to sort things & the ongoing tension. I hate coming home & am too embarrassed to have friends round.

Help!

With the kids they need to either pull their weight or start paying you hotel-rates of rent/housekeeping (which will make them consider their living arrangements).

With your husband I guess it depends on your mutual work/housework/financial contribution balance/arrangement so much harder to comment. Sounds like he's being lazy from your original post but if he's working 80hrs and paying 90% of the bills and you're working 10 hours then it would be understandable that he doesn't do as much at home.

Obviously the above is an extreme example but my point is that nobody really knows how reasonable/unreasonable someones contributions (or lack of) around the home are without know what and how much they contribute elsewhere.

While they live in your house they need to respect your rules. But you need to set those rules down in the first place. Sounds like you've always just done it for them so this is the result of that.....set down some boundaries and explain to them how unfair it is on you.

They won't grow up and do it because you have always done it for them.

Time to get some rules in place.
Your husband sounds ridiculous!

They all seem to have learnt from your time at home that you will always tidy/ clean up after them. All is not lost and there is still time to rectify this, you need to put firm boundaries with consequences in place and that doesn’t mean that if an item of clothing gets thrown out that you replace it.
In all honesty my parents did everything for me and I really have to force myself to tidy now, please teach your children so it’s more natural to them in future years

One last suggestion is to deduct the cost of a cleaner for the common rooms from what you use to support the adult DCs. It’s the only other way for them to take responsibility. It would be better still for them to be made to pay for it out of their wages but that doesn’t sound realistic at this point.