... To want to give up work

[ItWasneaMe]

Ever since I went back to work ft, my house has been a complete tip. No one helps with the housework. I have 3 adult children: one who is at uni, other 2 live at home. The eldest has turned into a hoarder and his room is full of rubbish, dirty dishes and unwashed laundry. The middle son is messy too and keeps dishes in his room. Even my DH leaves his stuff in a mess - I have to clamber over his clothes to open the curtains and if he can't find a shirt, he just goes to the shops and buys more, rather than put his stuff away.

When I was at home ft, I used to spend one day a week in each room, so it would be clean. Plus all the laundry & hanging things up. Now nothing gets done. Clean clothes are in a pile by my side of the bed, which gets moved into a pile on the landing when I get fed up.

When will they ever grow up & stop assuming I'm OK with this? I've lost count of the family 'meetings' to try to sort things & the ongoing tension. I hate coming home & am too embarrassed to have friends round.

Help!

Start binning their stuff. Less to clean if they own less.

If there's no respect for you, the home when why respect their clothing.

I've binned (donated to charity) their clothes once before, having given them a weeks notice, & ended up getting rid of son#1's interview suit. We then had to buy a new one. He has no money as he's really struggling to get a decent job, so we had to sub him. Everything I do seems to backfire.

I don't put up with untidy rooms from my 8 and 11 year old so there would be zero chance I'd put up with it from adults. It's ultimatum time OP

In other words, they bounce the ball of responsibility back to you and they pick it up. You don't have to. Your DC doesn't need a shit for applications; if he gets an interview and doesn't have a suit because he is lazy and untidy and didn't care for the one he had, he'll have to borrow one from a friend or go to a charity, won't he? Yes, that's hardass. Life is hard, and it's past time for the adult babies in your house to cop on.

It doesn't work if you take the responsibility back so easily and so quickly. You've been doing that too long.

*you pick it up
*Doesn't need a suit not shit

Gaaargh

Stop being so wet. Jesus Christ.

God, they all sound disgusting.

I don’t understand your sentence give up work and go back to being mum. You are still mum when you work. If you’re trying to indicate you think being mum is synonymous with being the household skivvy and that’s the job title then you and I will strongly disagree.

Hell no, what would that teach them?

Sounds awful

The last thing you should do is give up work. You might need it to get out of this situation

I think I'd keep my job and give them all up if that was my life.

Rent (or buy) a 1 bed flat near where you work and rejoice in a home that is permanently clean and tidy with little effort and leave them all to it.

What a missed opportunity

"Sorry meant to say, should I give up work & go back to being Mum?"

This made me chuckle... didn't you realise being a mum is what you are from the moment you give birth, regardless of whether you go to work or not?!

Anyway it sounds like you've raised your teenagers and adult children to never lift a finger which hasn't really done them any favours. Keep working- sounds like they need to step up and realise that you're not an unpaid skivvy who does everything for them

Are they paying board?
If not, start charging.
Use the money to pay a cleaner.

Sorry meant to say, should I give up work & go back to being Mum?

Your grown up offspring and your dh do not need a mum, apart from the fact that all working mums are........ mums.

I am shocked at your family and in your shoes, would find a great job and LEAVE them.

My kids are 16 and 17 they get disconnected from Wi-Fi to clean own rooms and contribute to the main house (usually their landing and main bathroom) x 1 per week, they do the dishes after tea and help with food prep occasionally if the baby brother (15MO is on one). It's not a big ask for a few hours per week to work as a family ( we all do it together) and keep the house in order.

Sounds like poor role modelling if hubby is a bit of a slob too. No one would be getting fed or allowed to use my dishes if that's how they treated the family home: I would stop cooking and doing anything for anyone else until they all stepped up, my mum threatened us with a bin bag for things that were dirty or left in disarray on clean up day.

What are you teaching them by giving up work? That mummy is the maid? That we can live like scruffs? If you what to give up work, do it. But your house needs some rules and discipline the most.

Love your thinking!

All of this.

Of course you don’t give up your job! You kick their arses - ideally out!

Keep your job. Stop pandering to adults. Take the router and tv remote control with you every day until they shape up.

Stop being so nice to them. All they're learning is that there's no real consequences because you'll always step in and fix it.
So you told him you'd chuck the clothes and you did. He has no interview suit and no money - that's the consequence. Its for him to fix. If he was that desperate, you could have got him to do jobs in the house for the cost of the new suit.

This is part of the problem, it still turned into being your problem. I know it’s hard but assuming no other issues he should have been forced to figure it out on his own.

I’m sorry OP, I know the answers you’re getting on here aren’t necessarily easy. But they are true. Forget the family meetings forget the nagging, time for guerrilla warfare. start collecting the things that are dear to them, electronics, golf clubs, favorite jerseys, whatever. The things they need and want. Hold them for ransom until they clean up. Stop fixing their problem that they’ve created themselves. Stop funding your sons if they don’t help. Change the wifi password then leave to do something fun for yourself.

Don’t quit your job! In fact work more hours, spend more time away, leave them to muck about in their own filth. Or, kick them all out (well maybe not the husband but definitely the adult children)

You and your DH need to sit down, and agree ways you can improve the dcs' ability to be adults, and also get your DH to do the same. When you and get are agreed, tell the adult children what you're doing.

Family meetings don't seem to be working OP. have you tried losing your shit?
Our 11 & 14 yr olds are better house trained and considerate.
Time to claim your house back.

Close the door on the adult sons bedroom door or give hi na deadline to move out. If DH can't find clean clothes, that's not your problem. Put your clean clothes away, the kids in their rooms and DHs on his side.

Honestly I think DH treating you like a maid is LTB territory and in this case I'd be leaving him with the kids too

Wtf is this a joke ? They are adults and it sounds like you have done enough mummying.

Shape up or ship out. The lot of them. Including the husband.