Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

... To want to give up work

105 replies

ItWasneaMe · 07/11/2022 22:57

Ever since I went back to work ft, my house has been a complete tip. No one helps with the housework. I have 3 adult children: one who is at uni, other 2 live at home. The eldest has turned into a hoarder and his room is full of rubbish, dirty dishes and unwashed laundry. The middle son is messy too and keeps dishes in his room. Even my DH leaves his stuff in a mess - I have to clamber over his clothes to open the curtains and if he can't find a shirt, he just goes to the shops and buys more, rather than put his stuff away.

When I was at home ft, I used to spend one day a week in each room, so it would be clean. Plus all the laundry & hanging things up. Now nothing gets done. Clean clothes are in a pile by my side of the bed, which gets moved into a pile on the landing when I get fed up.

When will they ever grow up & stop assuming I'm OK with this? I've lost count of the family 'meetings' to try to sort things & the ongoing tension. I hate coming home & am too embarrassed to have friends round.

Help!

OP posts:
DrinkFeckArseBrick · 08/11/2022 00:06

Charge them and outsource ironing, cleaning, tidying etc and take a management fee

magma32 · 08/11/2022 00:16

Your solution to this is to give up work and do more of the dog work and lose your income? And to call yourself ‘mum’ as if that’s what mums do. No, that’s what slaves do. I’m a mum, you won’t catch me cleaning up after fully capable adults.

Yabu for that.

I would actually say do overtime so you spend less time in the house and let them look after themselves.
I think you do have yourself to blame for putting up with this nonsense to make it seem normal.
I have a Dh and 11 year old ds who clean up after themselves. And we come from a culture where men don’t lift a finger (if they can get away with it). My Dh knew my expectations from the outset hence it was easy instilling it into the dc. Yours are deliberately disrespecting you.
I assume your husband has always been like this and now he’s taught your sons what your role is.
They’ll be living at home for a long time with this attitude as I can’t imagine many self respecting women putting up with it from them unless they were desperate.

ShallowHalWantsAGal · 08/11/2022 07:44

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 08/11/2022 00:06

Charge them and outsource ironing, cleaning, tidying etc and take a management fee

I think this too. Everyone contributes towards cleaning, ironing etc. Don't give up your job (unless you want to for another reason)?

Runningintolife · 08/11/2022 07:48

What do you want to do? What is meaningful to you? Do that.

ReneBumsWombats · 08/11/2022 07:50

When will they ever grow up & stop assuming I'm OK with this?

When there are consequences to show it and you're no longer doing it.

BoxOfCats · 08/11/2022 07:54

I would lose my shit, bag up all their crap and leave it on their beds every single time? Food, rubbish, clothes, whatever they leave lying around. And would be given an ultimatum to shape up or ship out.

America12 · 08/11/2022 07:54

Are you insane ?
Kick the adults out , tell the husband he'll be next if he doesn't shape up.
Do you honestly think that all you're good for is cleaning up after other people?
Alternatively use your wages to rent somewhere on your own.
I feel sorry for your son's future partners , you've made them think it's a woman's job to tidy up their mess. Not good.

KangarooKenny · 08/11/2022 07:55

You wouldn’t go back to being ‘mum’ , you’d go back to be being their slave. You’d lose out on wages, pension, and self respect.
Id spend one day clearing the plates, and putting anything on the floor/chair/bed in a plastic bag and putting it in the bin. Then we’d have house rules. If they don’t stick to them I’d be filing for divorce, and none of the kids would be living with me.

Softplayhooray · 08/11/2022 08:02

ItWasneaMe · 07/11/2022 23:00

Sorry meant to say, should I give up work & go back to being Mum?

For sure, if that's what makes you happy. But don't do it just so you can clean up after people!!

IncompleteSenten · 08/11/2022 08:05

I fucking wouldn't.
I'd keep my job so I could save for a place of my own! This is ridiculous.

You could I suppose tell them that if they are going to make you be the general dogsbody they can fucking well pay you.
Split what you currently earn three ways and that's their bill. But I doubt they'd pay.

If people have no respect for you, there's no way back from that imo

Doingmybest12 · 08/11/2022 08:06

This is awful ,what lazy inconsiderate gits. No dont give up your job to be an unpaid skivvy to the people who are meant to love you. I'd move out to a premier inn and leave them to it and say you'll come home when they can contribute like adults.

OverTheRubicon · 08/11/2022 08:08

Why would you give up on an income, pension and safety net for future in order to clean for a bunch of adult men? FFS you're not Snow White.

You might be better off staying in work and using some of the income to pay a cleaner once a week, them coming might be more of an incentive than you doing it, and the night before you could warn in advance that anything left in common areas will be dumped.

GarfieldsAunty · 08/11/2022 08:09

OP,

Can you rent a cheap airbnb/ budget hotel for a few weeks/ month/ find a short term let? Don't tell 'em how long you'll be gone for... Just let them know you're shipping out and won't be back until they've sorted out their squalor. Think you need to mean business here...

Withnoshoes · 08/11/2022 08:11

You don’t give your job and income up to ‘mum’ adults! You give them ultimatums to sort their shit out they are adults not kids that need looking after.Even as a lazy teen we had to tidy our bedrooms and move the shit.

I’m lucky my partner is really tidy and so I don’t have that issue but stop doing his washing if it’s not in a basket and is all over the floor. Or if annoys you pick it up and put in a black back ( but leave for him to sort)

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 08/11/2022 08:13

When the adult sons are out, move all their crap into one of their rooms and tell them they are sharing.

Move dh and all his crap into the newly emptied room. Tell him and the boys this is how it is now as you want your own (tidy!) space.

Dh will want to be back in your bed and the boys will either move out or buckle up to get their own space back.

WYDMAD · 08/11/2022 08:14

ItWasneaMe · 07/11/2022 22:57

Ever since I went back to work ft, my house has been a complete tip. No one helps with the housework. I have 3 adult children: one who is at uni, other 2 live at home. The eldest has turned into a hoarder and his room is full of rubbish, dirty dishes and unwashed laundry. The middle son is messy too and keeps dishes in his room. Even my DH leaves his stuff in a mess - I have to clamber over his clothes to open the curtains and if he can't find a shirt, he just goes to the shops and buys more, rather than put his stuff away.

When I was at home ft, I used to spend one day a week in each room, so it would be clean. Plus all the laundry & hanging things up. Now nothing gets done. Clean clothes are in a pile by my side of the bed, which gets moved into a pile on the landing when I get fed up.

When will they ever grow up & stop assuming I'm OK with this? I've lost count of the family 'meetings' to try to sort things & the ongoing tension. I hate coming home & am too embarrassed to have friends round.

Help!

When I read your first couple of sentences I thought you were going to say your kids were young. No excuse for your house to be a tip when your kids are old enough to help out. I have 4 siblings and we all had a room each on top of our bedrooms that were alternated throughout the week on a rota. We knew that if we didn't have that room tidy there would be consequences (could be no pocket money, no dessert etc). As we got older we just did it as it had become normal. Only took 20 mins each. Can't imagine having lived in a house where adult kids don't help out. I'm currently a single mum, working full time with a 4yo and my house proudness has taken a hit.

astronewt · 08/11/2022 08:21

It would be a cold day in hell before I gave up my independence and my livelihood to skivvy for grown adults. Sounds like you've "been mum" for much too long already.

Kick your eldest out, or leave yourself.

dottiedodah · 08/11/2022 08:26

Wow just can't get over the fact that a grown man would rather buy a new shirt than pick up after himself. Apart from the cost not exactly environment friendly. You are setting a bad example, your sons wives won't thank you .get a cleaner and charge them extra to pay for her or him

luxxlisbon · 08/11/2022 08:28

ItWasneaMe · 07/11/2022 23:00

Sorry meant to say, should I give up work & go back to being Mum?

Should you give up work so you can clean your adult children’s bedroom full time?

Is this a real question? 😂

abblie · 08/11/2022 08:29

Nintendonasalspray · 07/11/2022 23:01

Maybe kick the adults out?

Or even better move out and leave them all to roll around in their own filth?

This

Mumsgirls · 08/11/2022 08:29

you have done them no favours. All animals have to teach their young to become functioning adults and your husband has taught contempt, you have set them up to fail in relationships. On no account do not leave work, give them two weeks, ship up or out

queenatom · 08/11/2022 08:30

You misspelt Mug - and no, you shouldn't quit work and go back to being a mug. Carve out space for yourself and keep it as you want it, and tell the rest of them to sort themselves out. If their mess intrudes into your space, put it in a black bag and dump it in their room/in the bin.

Elsanore · 08/11/2022 08:34

Rent a neat little one bedroom flat for yourself somewhere convenient for your work and nice walks and cafes or whatever you find pleasant.

Move into it with just your things and fill the fridge and cupboards with your favourite foods and drinks.

Change your banking around so that your salary pays into the account that pays for the bills etc for the little flat not the house with the DH and adult kids. Make sure DH and the adult kids pay enough into the family household coffers and cover all their expenses at the messy house.

Explain that this suits everyone's preferences better and you're still a family but finally everyone is getting what they need from the domestic setup. Invite them round, go and visit them at theirs as much as you want... then go back to your gorgeous neat clean happy cosy little sanctuary. (Can you tell I've thought about this before!!)

Lastqueenofscotland2 · 08/11/2022 08:35

No you should kick your adult children out

Backtoreality1 · 08/11/2022 08:36

Anything on the floor on bin day goes into a bag and into the trash. All dirty plates etc get put in teh bed under the covers at the same time. No food is served to them - cater only for yourself. 'Children' banned from any living space other than their own bedroom till they step up.