Page 4 | Am I overreacting? Re: Swearing

dandelionsandaisies · 2022-11-07T18:45:54+00:00

So I was Facetiming my boyfriend earlier and he asked how my DC (8) was. I said yeah fine, and he said “tell her I love her” which I did. The reply from her was an “okay” cos she was busy playing on her game. So my bf jokingly put his middle finger 🖕🏻 up. Aibu to be upset by this? WWYD?

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 07/11/2022 21:21

Teeshirt · 07/11/2022 21:00

I’m pretty shocked that people give their children the middle finger, behind their backs or not. At first, I thought people must be joking -surely they couldn’t be serious. But it seems they really do.

As long as they don’t turn round (and if they do you must do a quick Tomas Shafferknacker) where’s the harm?!

Varasnapars · 07/11/2022 21:25

I wouldn't like it if my husband did that to my daughter and he is her biological father!

Kite22 · 07/11/2022 21:30

Discovereads · 07/11/2022 19:52

I don’t like it. Usually I’m the most meh don’t care person here but this was an aggressive reaction on his part. He conveys “I love you” to a child who I guess did give him the ego boost he was looking for of a soppy “I love you too” or “aw you’re so sweet” …a mild “okay” was not good enough and so his reaction was to say “fuck you” to an 8yo girl in sign language? No, I wouldn’t stand for it. Actual love is not conditional on what you think are appropriate gestures of gratitude or reciprocation. And a girl/woman should never be socialised to ‘be nice’ and say ‘I love you back’ to avoid a “fuck you” in return.

It’s not a joke. It doesn’t matter your DD didn’t see it, you saw it, he felt it and he did it.

I agree with this.

I know, on here and in all of our lives people have different responses to swearing, but this is more about the inappropriateness of the expectation that a girlfriend's 8 yr old dd should say she loves him and the way he reacted to that - wherever you are on the scale of how offensive you think the gesture is.

Cosycover · 07/11/2022 21:36

Teeshirt · 07/11/2022 21:00

I’m pretty shocked that people give their children the middle finger, behind their backs or not. At first, I thought people must be joking -surely they couldn’t be serious. But it seems they really do.

What's the issue though?

NormalNans · 07/11/2022 21:43

I’m more shocked by a boyfriend saying I love you to your daughter than him jokingly putting his middle finger up.

Varasnapars · 07/11/2022 21:45

Discovereads · 07/11/2022 19:52

I don’t like it. Usually I’m the most meh don’t care person here but this was an aggressive reaction on his part. He conveys “I love you” to a child who I guess did give him the ego boost he was looking for of a soppy “I love you too” or “aw you’re so sweet” …a mild “okay” was not good enough and so his reaction was to say “fuck you” to an 8yo girl in sign language? No, I wouldn’t stand for it. Actual love is not conditional on what you think are appropriate gestures of gratitude or reciprocation. And a girl/woman should never be socialised to ‘be nice’ and say ‘I love you back’ to avoid a “fuck you” in return.

It’s not a joke. It doesn’t matter your DD didn’t see it, you saw it, he felt it and he did it.

Yup

SwaffhamCurious · 07/11/2022 21:57

He sounds totally gross to me. The declaration of love and the childishly aggressive response when he doesn’t get an enthusiastic enough reply. get rid.

TikNeres · 07/11/2022 21:59

SwaffhamCurious · 07/11/2022 21:57

He sounds totally gross to me. The declaration of love and the childishly aggressive response when he doesn’t get an enthusiastic enough reply. get rid.

Yep, my thoughts too.

How long has he been in your life, OP?

Original poster

dandelionsandaisies · 07/11/2022 22:01

18 months officially together.

OP posts:

PinotPony · 07/11/2022 22:24

What was his face doing? Was he grinning or did he look pissed off?

There's a big difference when trying to understand the meaning behind the gesture...

TikNeres · 07/11/2022 22:59

dandelionsandaisies · 07/11/2022 22:01

18 months officially together.

How come he's saying "I love you" to your DD?

How much are they in each other's lives?

TheShellBeach · 07/11/2022 23:52

I get the impression that the OP isn't exactly enthralled with this man, and that there are probably some other instances of dodgy behaviour which are causing concern.
OP, you don't sound confident that this man is a keeper.

ABJ100 · 07/11/2022 23:53

BettyMartin · 07/11/2022 19:05

He's not nice OP.
Giving an 8 year old a middle finger is totally out of order.

This. I would end it over something like this.

Purplecatshopaholic · 07/11/2022 23:57

I couldn’t lose sleep over this. It. Was. A. Joke. However, if there are other things going on in the relationship op, then this has maybe coloured your view/compounded the issue and you need to consider the relationship as a whole.

KettrickenSmiled · 08/11/2022 00:03

dandelionsandaisies · 07/11/2022 19:39

@Chickenvoicesinmyhead his insecurities and jealousy often get the better of him, which can make him come across as controlling and possessive. He’s also not been very patient with dd in the past when it comes to bedtime etc and her playing up.

where do I go from here?

Don't tolerate impatience with your child from anyone. Least of all a boyfriend.
Dump the controlling, possessive, insecure & jealous man.

KettrickenSmiled · 08/11/2022 00:06

Purplecatshopaholic · 07/11/2022 23:57

I couldn’t lose sleep over this. It. Was. A. Joke. However, if there are other things going on in the relationship op, then this has maybe coloured your view/compounded the issue and you need to consider the relationship as a whole.

Was it a joke though?

He's controlling & possessive.
He needed DD to 'perform' love to him, & reacted badly when she didn't perform to his satisfaction. Not a message I would want my girl to be receiving from a man.

TikNeres · 08/11/2022 00:08

@Chickenvoicesinmyhead his insecurities and jealousy often get the better of him, which can make him come across as controlling and possessive. He’s also not been very patient with dd in the past when it comes to bedtime etc and her playing up

I missed this post upthread.

Does this prince of a man live with you? How come he's putting your DD to bed?

TikNeres · 08/11/2022 00:09

KettrickenSmiled · 08/11/2022 00:06

Was it a joke though?

He's controlling & possessive.
He needed DD to 'perform' love to him, & reacted badly when she didn't perform to his satisfaction. Not a message I would want my girl to be receiving from a man.

Show quote history

I wouldn't want him within 10 miles of my DC. Or me.

Come on, OP. This is NOT okay.

Purplecatshopaholic · 08/11/2022 00:15

Ok, I missed this - so he’s insecure, jealous, controlling and possessive… in which I agree it maybe wasn’t really a joke but passive aggressive behaviour, which when taken as part of his overall behaviour is defo not on…..

Kanaloa · 08/11/2022 00:38

Purplecatshopaholic · 07/11/2022 23:57

I couldn’t lose sleep over this. It. Was. A. Joke. However, if there are other things going on in the relationship op, then this has maybe coloured your view/compounded the issue and you need to consider the relationship as a whole.

It.Was.Not.Funny.

If you make a ‘joke’ of making obscene gestures at young children (who you aren’t related to and have known a short time since you’re dating their mother) because they haven’t appropriately returned your declarations of love, then you’re just not funny. And a bit weird.

MsDogLady · 08/11/2022 03:47

After making that vulgar gesture at my child, this guy would no longer be in our lives.

@dandelionsandaisies, it sounds like he’s been controlling with both of you. I would not have tolerated his having anything to say about DD’s bedtime behavior or any of your parenting decisions. Offering you support is one thing, but feeling entitled to be ‘impatient’ with her is entirely different.

He’s been crossing boundaries, so he’d be out.

Newmumatlast · 08/11/2022 05:08

Discovereads · 07/11/2022 19:52

I don’t like it. Usually I’m the most meh don’t care person here but this was an aggressive reaction on his part. He conveys “I love you” to a child who I guess did give him the ego boost he was looking for of a soppy “I love you too” or “aw you’re so sweet” …a mild “okay” was not good enough and so his reaction was to say “fuck you” to an 8yo girl in sign language? No, I wouldn’t stand for it. Actual love is not conditional on what you think are appropriate gestures of gratitude or reciprocation. And a girl/woman should never be socialised to ‘be nice’ and say ‘I love you back’ to avoid a “fuck you” in return.

It’s not a joke. It doesn’t matter your DD didn’t see it, you saw it, he felt it and he did it.

Agree with this. I would feel very uncomfortable and rethink my relationship personally.

Doingmybest12 · 08/11/2022 06:13

This is very odd, why does he want you to tell a child that isn't his and is happily occupied in another room that he loves her ? What was he expecting her to say? All sorts of weird and game playing to me. His response to her comment is very telling about who he thinks should be no 1 in your family ie him .

Original poster

dandelionsandaisies · 08/11/2022 17:48

He’s told her that he loves her for a while now and she sometimes says it back but it’s hit and miss. I think he’s desperate to make us into that family unit where he’s stepdad and we’re one big (small) happy family.

OP posts:

Original poster

dandelionsandaisies · 08/11/2022 17:49

He doesn’t live with us, no. But sometimes he’s been here when it’s bedtime and she’s refusing to sleep and taking hours to settle. He gets impatient because it means that I don’t always have time to spend with him.

OP posts: