To be hurt DS called stepmum - mummy

[HarriwithanI]

Bit of a backstory - DS, 10, spent half term with my husband (need to divorce him!) who’s not bothered with DS until this last year so 9 years not in his life, his choice.
He and his fiancée who’ve been together 2 years and have a DD have seen my DS 3 times.

My DS accidentally said mummy to her and she praised him and said thank you. AIBU to think this is wrong and she should’ve said no you’ve got a mum?

I’ve raised him alone 9 years so hearing that stung. Also they bought him new clothes as apparently I only dress him in stained dirty clothes - I don’t. Yes I buy second hand clothes but never dirty or stained.

He has cried tonight how much he misses them, I don’t feel good enough. I’m jealous of their family unit and I shouldn’t be. I need to snap out of it.

💐💐💐he loves you. He needs you. Of course he misses his dad, and this new lady he's getting to know. But you are his mum and the person he relies on, is there for him and loves him.unconditionally. keep doing what you are doing. Support his relationship with his dad and this lady.

I know it's sad and you have every right to feel sad and jealous and all the other things. But remember, your son is your son. You will always be his mum. He loves you and you have a bond. 💐

That sounds very unusual. Who told you he said it? His dad and family are a novelty which might explain his attachment to them. Maybe he had a really time there.

Going from no contact to a whole week sounds like a lot. What’s the usual contact pattern going to be?

It won't always be like this. They are new and it's exciting for him, it won't always be but he knows you are his mummy and always will be

I think she should have ignored it, not corrected him.

He will not think of this person as his mum though, it was just a mistake, kids call their teachers mum all the time.

I work at a secondary school and some kids have accidentally called me mum there too, I wouldn’t worry.

He said it by accident so perhaps she was doing something you usually do, like handing him breakfast, or better yet he was thinking about you at the time and your name slipped out. He is absolutely not putting her on par with you. It is ridiculous that they praised him for it but not as ridiculous as the fact that they thought he meant it! It must hurt hearing he misses them but they are new to his life and a novelty to him. He's also likely feeling a bit confused and is adjusting to it all. He needs you now more than ever even though it might feel like the opposite. for you, it must be hard

First of all - well done on supporting your child’s relationship with his dad. Second of all don’t take the mis-naming to heart - it’s a simple error not a meaningful one. Remember your DS absolutely knows you are his mum! At the moment he’s bowled over with novelty, excitement and having a ‘dad’ like the other kids and he’s a kid - he’s not thinking rationally.

you’re his constant, his safe space and the person he calls for when he’s sick or hurt. You’re his comfort and his primary love.

they will be shiny for a while, and as he grows he’ll rail against you, fight with you (secure in your unconditional love) and then as he gets older, appreciate you.

with them he’ll always tread on eggshells, and wonder when they might once again withdraw.

you have the toughest job ahead, but try and take comfort that it will always be you he calls for when the going gets tough

You sound very insecure and it's probably clouding your ability to think about what is actually in the best interests of your child. He said it by mistake. Surely if she had corrected him and made a big deal out of how she's not his mummy, that would have been upsetting and unsettling?

How long have you been separated from your STBXH? I know you're still legally married, but the delay in actually divorcing him, and the reference to him as your "husband" (technically correct, but if you've been separated a while most people would automatically say "ex" or "STBXH"), make me wonder if part of you is struggling with him moving on? Are you jealous of his fiancée because you liked being the main woman in your ex's life, even if you weren't together?

Came to say this I've been called mum by more children who aren't 'mine' than are. It's a bit of a compliment to sm as it means the kids feels safe and trusts her, but try to see that as a good thing.

If my DSC did this I would probably also say thank you and pretend the "mummy" hadn't been said as it wad obviously something that just slipped out. She was probably worried that highlighting the mistake would make it feel worse.

It was an accidental thing. I've lost track of the amount of times I called a teacher mum or dad. It's an automatic thing.

He's used to you looking after him all the time so when he wanted or needs something he says your name.

It's a positive reflection on you.

Who told you he said it? If it was him then just laugh and reassure him that it's normal. Anyone else is just stirring shit so ignore them.

I think it was a slip of the tongue. I get called mummy almost every day at school. Don’t give it another thought, you’re his mum and always will be.

@HarriwithanI what country are you in? I may be able to send you some divorce info and links if that might help? You mentioned divorce...UK? England?

If his father has only just become apart of his life recently it might be worth doing some life story work with him to help him understand his family dynamics as it might be a little confusing now.
If you search life story work for children you will get lots of fun work sheets ect
On a positive note well done for still allowing his father to enter back in your child's life having not previously been consistent. Do not be hard on yourself you appear to be putting your child's needs first.
Also actions speak louder than words and you will remain the constant figure of security you are mum! Don't forget that xx

Contact is very sporadic due to the distance, I agreed 2 days, ex refused to bring him back.

It was on a FaceTime he reffered to her as mummy, we spoke about it and he told me it was an accident but he was encourage to continue it.

It’s been 9 years, I tried to divorce back then but he wouldn’t sign papers, so he can pay the cost. He was very abusive so not jealous of him as such I just wish I could provide what seems a good family environment.

I’m wales, he’s England

He refused to bring him back??!

I'd get legal advice, that is unacceptable.

Tell him he can call her whatever he wants as long as its polite

Thank you for the supportive comments.
Im struggling with the change.
STBXH was abusive but I wanted my son to be involved with his dad, especially now he has a baby sister. It’s just been difficult as they seem to do lots of digs and indirects.
I do suffer with MH so don’t always think rationally.

They even asked him did he want to live with them :/ (they live comfortably, I’m counting pennies for snack money)

He did in the end today - 9 days later!! Even more worrying that I didn’t know what address or area of England he was in (I’ve a restraining order on him, meet in public place when he picked/dropped him off so his address has never come in conversation)

Is he on your child's birth certificate? So does he legally share PR?

Unfortunately so, we were married having him , I was young and silly

He’s craving a family unit. I don’t think it’s abnormal. You say yourself it was accidental…

Your son knows you are always there, as his constant. He's probably upset because his father has just walked back into his life and contact is sporadic, he doesn't know when and more importantly IF he'll see him again. This is very unnerving for a child. Just stay calm and continue to always be there for him, give him extra cuddles/displays of love. If you're upset or feeling insecure about the situation don't let him see that. They are absolutely wrong to encourage him to call the girlfriend mummy, however to me it feels like an act of provocation, from an abusive man trying to get a reaction from you, so he can say to girlfriend, see I told you she was like this, that's why I didn't have contact for all those years blah blah blah. Don't give him the satisfaction of do much as a blink.
Reassure DS the slip of the tongue doesn't matter and you will always be his mummy.