To be hurt DS called stepmum - mummy

[HarriwithanI]

Bit of a backstory - DS, 10, spent half term with my husband (need to divorce him!) who’s not bothered with DS until this last year so 9 years not in his life, his choice.
He and his fiancée who’ve been together 2 years and have a DD have seen my DS 3 times.

My DS accidentally said mummy to her and she praised him and said thank you. AIBU to think this is wrong and she should’ve said no you’ve got a mum?

I’ve raised him alone 9 years so hearing that stung. Also they bought him new clothes as apparently I only dress him in stained dirty clothes - I don’t. Yes I buy second hand clothes but never dirty or stained.

He has cried tonight how much he misses them, I don’t feel good enough. I’m jealous of their family unit and I shouldn’t be. I need to snap out of it.

Sorry but what are you thinking. I understand his the child's father but his been absent for 9 years. On visit number 3 you let your child stay with them for a week. With strangers he does not know. I understand it was supposed to be a couple nights but personally that would be a no they should have visited and stayed near by if needs be. I would also have called police when he refused to return him. No way would I let him have access again as he kidnapped your child until it suited him. I think you need to take legal action to stop all contact. Problem is now you let them in. Was easier before that as you could of argued he neglected his son for years now he can say you allowed child to stay with him so how can he be a bad dad else that's you saying you endangered your son.

My sons father was absent for 6 years after being involved on and off for the first 2 years. I wouldn't even let him take my child until several months and visits later and that was only for a few hours. He walked away again so I was glad I didn't allow my child to become to attached quickly.

As for calling her mum I would be making it very clear that's not happening.

You son knows who his Mummy is so don't worry about that. Sounds like being with them was a novelty for your son and his Dad and his fiancée. Make a point of referring to the fiancee by her first name then your son might do too.

Yep, happens all the time with teachers and club instructors. It slips out, it’s not conscious.

It sounds like this trip away was very confusing for him. He is his biological dad but he’s also effectively a stranger. I wouldn’t be encouraging quite so much contact, it sounds really intense and worrying - particularly his abusive past, the restraining order and not sending him home. Will it really be in your DS’s interest to have this man in his life so much now or is he better off trying to build a relationship with his dad when he’s grown up a bit and has his own boundaries and self esteem?

Re the divorce aspect you mentioned. This is the info and the links I said I'd post.
Long post. Hope it's not overwhelming. It's something you can come back to :)

As I understand it there are 2 aspects – Divorce and Financial Settlement.
To know what a fair split of assets is and to reach a financial settlement divorcing parties need to know what the assets of the marriage are, and what each asset is worth.

Look at a Form E. A long document in which each party sets out their assets, income, and financial needs. You can see in it the assets that are taken into consideration upon divorce and financial settlement, for example property (the former marital home), pensions, stocks and shares etc. It also lists the documents needed that show the value of assets for example CETVs (cash equivalent transfer values of pensions - which can be requested from pension providers).

To find out what some assets are worth an independent expert can be used. Property can be valued by an expert - estate agents, pensions by CETV and / or a pension on divorce expert (PODE) report and so on. It is important to decide what needs a valuation by an independent expert and factor in the costs of these. Pensions can be very valuable – equivalent or more than the value of the former martial home in some cases. Divorcing parties might hold different types of pensions (not like-for-like, so difficult to compare without an expert). Circumstances might be complex for example an age difference or pensions in payment. One party may have stayed at home to look after children.

@AnnaMagnani and @silentpool made some useful comment on this in this thread

www.mumsnet.com/talk/divorce_separation/4664756-what-do-i-need-to-do-about-our-pensions?reply=121093079
When splitting the assets of a marriage…
www.legislation.gov.uk/ukpga/1973/18/section/25 applies

The income, earning capacity, property, and other financial resource which each of the parties to the marriage has or is likely to have in the foreseeable future. As I understand it, first consideration is given to the welfare (while a minor) of any child of the family who has not yet attained the age of eighteen. The needs of each divorcing party are taken into account and as I understand it while 50 / 50 is a starting point – unequal shares based on circumstances and needs is possible, for example 60 / 40. Fairness is taken into account and Section 25 sets out the things that the court would consider. I believe the length of the marriage is taken into account - on another post seamless cohabitation was brought up.

These offer a free advice session about pensions on divorce and separation: www.moneyhelper.org.uk/en/family-and-care/divorce-and-separation/divorce-or-dissolution-how-we-can-help-with-your-pension
Free advice line (busy so keep trying) rightsofwomen.org.uk

Guides on divorce and financial settlement
www.advicenow.org.uk/guides/how-apply-financial-order-without-help-lawyer

Pensions on divorce
www.sharingpensions.co.uk/penaudit3.htm
www.mediateuk.co.uk/the-ultimate-guide-to-pensions-on-divorce/
www.nuffieldfoundation.org/news/new-good-practice-guide-addresses-shortfall-in-understanding-of-how-to-treat-pensions-on-divorce
Valuation of pensions – pensions on divorce expert report
www.collinspensionactuaries.co.uk no relation – useful website
www.collinspensionactuaries.co.uk/pension-data-collection/ templates for information required

Hope this is helpful. Caveat – this is not my profession.

Legal advice should be sought.

This link gives you an indication of hourly rate for solicitors
www.gov.uk/guidance/solicitors-guideline-hourly-rates
Some organisations offer free advice from solicitors and barristers rightsofwomen.org.uk/get-advice/ On their FAQs page…”Our Legal Officers and Volunteer legal advisors are all solicitors and barristers”.
Some family solicitors offer an in initial free consultation and some a fixed fee rather than hourly.
Some barristers can be directly instructed e.g., via Clerksroom Direct

Mumsnet suggest www.advicenow.org.uk/divorce-and-separation

Big hugs. That would hurt me too. Also good on you for the second hand clothes! The preloved clothing world is amazing x

I absolutely see why the mummy thing would hurts but please don't let it distract you from the bigger picture. Your abusive ex took your son for a week longer than arranged and you had no idea where he was. That's surely what you need to focus on? I'd be getting urgent legal advice about how to proceed to keep your son safe.

www.gov.uk/guidance/domestic-abuse-how-to-get-help

This shows where you may get some support.

www.nhs.uk/nhs-services/mental-health-services/

For help with mental health

Do not let him anywhere near your son. Just remember he refused to give you your son back for 9 days, he must of been a very abusive man for you to get a life long restraining order.

Hd is already bitching and making comments in front of your son. I would go to court and get prearranged court ordered dates, and he would not be going back until it's court ordered.

Echo what pp’s have said and I wouldn’t be allowing him physical contact until a court order is in place. You wouldn’t have a leg to stand on if he refused to bring him home. They have an ulterior motive with your son, it doesn’t sound like genuine affection/care to me op :(
x x

are you on the wrong thread?
They aren't divorced. He wouldn't have dealt with the Dad leaving as such as he was just a baby. The subsequent fall out as in his shitty Daddy not bothering with him is on the shitty Daddy, who is the one not acting like an adult by not taking responsible, and the Step Mom who's encouraging a child she barely knows to call her Mommy. That sounds manipulative, not unconditional. OP on the other hand who's tried to foster a relationship with this dick and her son despite what she's been through has a much better handle on the unconditional love bit.

On visit number 3 you let your child stay with them for a week. she didn't let it happen at all. He's the Dad, he's on the birth cert, the Police aren't going to start a manhunt for them. Whilst i agree he wouldn't be going again if i could stop it, it isn't OPs fault that this happened or that she can't have her abusive ex over for tea once a week to get to know DS

This is so so helpful. Thank you

You’re totally right, tbh today my emotions are all over the place and I need to think about it with a clear head and with the clarity you’ve all provided me. I need to be strong - for DS in the long run

My heart goes out to your poor wee boy. His head must be reeling from all that. What an awful way to carry on- not bringing him home when he expected, bitching about his dm, and that frankly weird reaction to a lip of the tongue.

Fawning is an acknowledged stress response and it sounds like he was doing his best to fit in meekly into a family unit that seemed nice on the surface but was teeming with stress and mixed messages.

It’s much easier to manage outright abuse because you’re not confused by what it is. Your poor lad has been through a lot, and he’s trying to sort it out inside his head. Sometimes when we do that we land on the wrong conclusion because it feels like the safest one.

It’s a credit to you op that he’s come back and poured this out to you. Well done for being a safe harbour.

Try, if you can to shake off these abusive seeds that are being planted. Just let him talk. It’s ok to say something mild, and calm like “well that was a very odd thing for her to say” or “dad shouldn’t have done that” so that you help him identify that the weird/crazy is outside his head and firmly in the behaviour of these adults. Kids have a shocking tendency to find a way to make everything their own fault so it’s important to help him draw safe lines.

I know conventional wisdom is that you never criticise the other parent. But gaslighting a child isn’t wise either. Keep it very neutral and matter of fact but give him sensible reactions.

I don’t think I’d be pushing for contact from this bastard.

Thank you, I am currently under crisis team (and work on a psych ward ironically).
see a psychiatrist weekly and on a new anti-psychotic/mood stabiliser with increasing dosages so that’s having a bit of an effect. Just a vulnerable time. I’ve a thread already where I’ve had some lovely advice on, I appreciate the link thank you 💐

Wtaf is this thread?

An abusive man with a lifelong restraining order rocks up after 9 years to see his son who is a young child and you say ‘Yeah sure’?
No supervised contact or legal advice sought?

Then after 2 visits in a public place you let him waltz off with him the third time to an undisclosed location for several nights. No address or anything. Could have taken him to a crack den.

Then after a few nights the abusive man refuses to return him for 9 days!! You’ve no clue where your son even is?!! Your only knowledge is that he’s with an abusive man you have a restraining order out on that you’ve not seen in 9 years. I’d have been going out my fucking mind!!

Yet your upset because your son, who thank God above is alive and well, called some woman mummy?

You seriously need to get some perspective. This could have gone horribly wrong. You’d have had no address/location or legal powers whilst your son is off with an abuser who refuses to return him.
What if the guy just blocked and deleted you after taking him?

Jesus!!!!

Thank you, yes I think you’re right and I need to stop this before it impacts DS even more. He’s so sensitive (follows me!).
He has formed a bond he says with his little sister so I feel guilty over this.

The previous 2 stays have been them staying about an hour away and having him daytime a couple hours then returning him. I know I was very naive this time around and will never be so silly again.

Yes you’re right but there’s no need to be so fucking vile. I did seek help but He’s on the birth certificate.
DS has a phone so we were in communication.
Be kind. Costs nothing.

Birth certificate is null and void in these circumstances.

Why wouldn’t you arrange contact through a supervised contact centre via a solicitor? Also contact social services to inform them that your abuser wants contact with a lifelong restraining order.

Get a contact arrangement via the courts? Who by the way, would also not ever say ‘yeah hand him over to abuser, we don’t need an address, he can bring him back to you whenever’.

They would say, supervised contact to then be built up over an extended period.

Chances are, your ex probably wouldn’t have even been bothered enough to take you a lengthy and expensive court hearing for a contact agreement anyway.

Im sorry if I seem harsh. I’ve just read your not well.

But this could have ended seriously badly for your son.

Your ex could have taken him, taken his phone off him, blocked your number and taken him to live in some dodgy place.

Youd then have to go through a lengthy and expensive court case to get him back. Meanwhile who knows what your son would have been subjected too whilst you tried to get him back.

You are VERY lucky that the worst that’s come out of this is him calling this woman mummy. You just took a huge risk on yours and your sons safety.

Im sorry if what I’m saying is upsetting but you really need to see this for what it is.

I hope you are getting good support x

No you’re absolutely right in what your saying and in hindsight I know I was stupid. I felt pushed into it. He didn’t even ask me he asked me DS and he seemed so happy. I should’ve been more firm and done what you said, I know that. I didn’t mean to bite so I apologise

You sound very vulnerable right now OP which is probably affecting your decision making around this matter as it’s sensitive to you which is understandable.

Put your ex on the back burner for now, limit contact to the minimum.
focus on getting better, then deal with it when the sun shines for you again which will be soon I’m sure. Xx

I really hope so.

spoke with my mum the other night, already done my will and put things in writing for when I go. She said that ex can still fight to have him and that’s the only thing that’s keeping me here on earth - because that’s the last thing I want x

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.
We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health Resources.
You can also go to the Samaritans website, or email them on [email protected]. We see that you are laready getting some wonderful support on this thread - support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.
We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.
Wishing you the very best 💐
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