To be hurt DS called stepmum - mummy

[HarriwithanI]

Bit of a backstory - DS, 10, spent half term with my husband (need to divorce him!) who’s not bothered with DS until this last year so 9 years not in his life, his choice.
He and his fiancée who’ve been together 2 years and have a DD have seen my DS 3 times.

My DS accidentally said mummy to her and she praised him and said thank you. AIBU to think this is wrong and she should’ve said no you’ve got a mum?

I’ve raised him alone 9 years so hearing that stung. Also they bought him new clothes as apparently I only dress him in stained dirty clothes - I don’t. Yes I buy second hand clothes but never dirty or stained.

He has cried tonight how much he misses them, I don’t feel good enough. I’m jealous of their family unit and I shouldn’t be. I need to snap out of it.

Completely understandable.

He only has one mummy. BUT he glad that he is comfortable enough to call her that it means he is loved and happy there too which is the desired outcome

You have every right to be upset. His fiancee should not have praised him for saying it. What an odd thing to do.

I wouldn't read too much into what your DS said though. When I was in school, some of the kids would accidentally call the teachers "mum"!

What are the terms of the restraining order? Does it allow contact regarding childcare? Do you have a contact arrangements order? If not I'd get one

You will always be his mum. But it’s good for him to have a relationship with his dad, and if his step mother is nice to him that’s good to.

They are a novelty right now - they’ll soon be part of the furniture.

You’ve got it spot on. Thank you, I won’t show him my upset, I’ll just be there for him.
ive said it needs to be more constant.
Their video calls went from 2x weekly to 1x a fortnight, it hurts DS.
This last week they’ve spent a fortune and done lots of things with him which I could never afford so trying to see the positives. Even if I seen the boring skint mum haha!

Just that he can’t be within 300yrds of my address and it’s for life. No contact Indirect or direct.

no child arrangement order as back then he said he wanted nothing to do with him :(. (I think it’s his fiancée that bothers more than him tbh)

Please don't let the father have him if he so casually refuses to bring him back! You need to know the address and some legal protections in place with some sort of shared arrangement of your DS.

I find the "mummy" thing odd in such that they encouraged it. Personally I'd be fuming! Not because it's the step parent but because that's his name for you and I think it lacks respect to encourage him. It's one thing if he says he wants to call her it and perhaps he'd grown up with her being the step parent since a baby but it sounds like he has been guilted in to it. I'd have a casual conversation at home with him and say does he actually want to call her mummy or not? He might not really want to and needs you to advocate for him on this. 10 is an age where they are still very impressionable and it will be harder for him as the step siblings will be calling her mummy.

Another teacher that has been called Mum countless times by embarrassed teenagers. I don’t think it’s anything to worry about, he’s just said it without thinking.

Excuse me? Have you read it at all?
my son hasn’t seen any emotion I have regarding this situation.

HIS DAD CHOSE NOT TO BOTHER FOR 9 years!! And I’ve welcomed contact :/

not helpful at all.

Where the fuck did you get the idea that this random woman is the first unconditional love this boy has known? Or that all hell broke loose? Or that his mother who has raised him single handle is not behaving like an adult?

Thank you for those with comments with supportive insight. I’m sorry I’m not replying individually to everyone. I do appreciate it though, thank you 💐

You didn’t read the OP properly did you @Flandango ?

just wanted an excuse to put the boot into a stranger in the internet.
Lovely

I think it's unusual for a 10 year old to cry because he's missing a dad he hardly knows.

Are you sure he's not crying because he's picking up on any stress OP?

Kids sometimes blame themselves and wrongly feel 'selfish' if seeing one parent upsets the other.

Really fustrates me that out of all the comments the one really negative one is the one that impacts me most. What happened to be kind @Flandango . maybe read the post first next time…

I think it overwhelmed him the whole week away + missing his sister who’s 1. He is a very sensitive child, he felt he had to tell me all the bitchy comments made and said it upset him they didn’t think I was a “good parent” so think it was a whole mix of things.

Trust yourself, he loves you and you love him

They called you a bad parent after doing fuck all for 9 years, charming.

OP

I don't think your son does need them in his life, and I am a very big supporter of always fostering relationships - however - a restraining order, and 9 years of no contact, plus the Disney parenting that's going on, plus the fact they asked him if he wanted to stay after all the Disney parenting, makes me very very suspicious.

Please get a court order in place, please get legal advice and please get proper support because their are huge red flags reading your posts that jump out at me and scream this is going to get messy.

Second hand clothes rock by the way - so much better for sustainability, the environment and a growing child!

You sound like a lovely mum @HarriwithanI. All the fun stuff in a week can't (& won't) compete with the lifetime of love and being present you have haven't your son. You are a better / kinder woman than me for allowing this contact, but I understand why you have.
I agree with @FurAndFeathers and @RewildingAmbridge - you are your son's constant, his safe place and the uncertainty of his father's contact will be unsettling.
I remember after my parents divorced that I would always big things up to the other parent. It was like I had to convince myself I was excited about all the changes (dads new gf, mum moving away) when actually I was really really sad & confused about the whole situation.
Please, please make sure some clear boundaries are set around future visits as others have said. STBEH doesn't need to have your address but you absolutely need to know where your DS is staying, especially if they're going to pull a stunt like refuse to bring him home!!

Totally agree!

@HarriwithanI he's in breach of the restraining order. It states no contact direct or indirect, I'm assuming there has been in relation to child contact? Remember whether you replied or not HE is subject to a restraining order not you, and to get an indefinite one the abuse must have been really significant.
Please seek the advice of a solicitor.

I wouldn’t let him go back. Not because of the “mummy” thing but because your ex ran away with your child for 9 days. If he had decided to keep him for 9 months then what? The police would say he has parental responsibility sorry.

A person that chats shit about the other parent to their defenceless child is not someone that can be trusted, little less if they buggered off for 9 years beforehand.

You could have divorced him after 5 years without his consent.

I know and met more than one person who had to do this.

Yes it is a lot of hassle but they eventually got their absolutes.

I can tell you that lots of youngsters absentmindedly address their teachers as Mum. It doesn't mean they don;t love their Mum or have forgotten her.