Not sure whether to be a sahm or not

[Flowerpicker1]

Had 2 under 2. My maternity leave is now coming to an end following the birth of my 2nd dc. Neither dc are in nursery. DH is on a good wage.

Have been given the option not to return to work if I don't want to. Dh can cover us. It would be part not full time anyway.3 days.

Not sure what to do. On one hand I'd love to be there for all of my dcs childhood but on the other I worry if I would cope. We don't have any family or support nearby.

If you work would you rather be a sahm and not put your children in nursery? Or have you done this and loved it/regretted it?

Okay, np.

Of course it was a joke.

But the same comments do tend to crop up again and again.

You'll never get these years back (don't want them back)

You won't reget it on your deathbed (I won't regret working either)

Didn't want to miss a milestone (I didn't)

Wanted to have complete and utter control and didn't even want their dad looking after them. (Weird)

Biology blah blah (mine must be broken)

Wanted to raise them (I raise mine)

Didn't want them in childcare 8 to 6 (very few actually do)

Unconscious bias - “How a person thinks can depend on their life experiences and sometimes they have beliefs and views about other people that might not be right or reasonable.” I think that fits with someone who believes a person cannot retrain as a doctor, or re-enter the profession after appropriate skills assessments and updating. No, you do not have an unconscious bias, because you don’t take that unreasonable viewpoint, but I don’t think it’s an unfair interpretation of unconscious bias for a layperson… I’m not, after all, attempting to claim I am an expert, I am merely giving my opinion - I believe sufficiently clearly to be perfectly well understood.

Retrain - yes, I got over-excited on that one! It should require considerably less effort to re-enter a profession than to retrain in it, especially if you have made an effort to keep yourself up to date over the years.

I've done both.With DD1 I didn't go back to work after maternity leave, although alot of the reason was that i didn't feel i had a choice...I had bad anxiety around her and didn't trust anyone to care for her properly.
I do look back on all the time we spent together in her first 2-3 years fondly, it took its toll massively on me and us mentally and financially (we couldn't really afford for me not to work, and DH was in and out of different jobs at that time) I felt like I'd sacraficed alot of myself and was 'living off my husband' with no financial independence.I didn't have something (my job) to feel successful in and to focus on away from parenting, and I felt very reliant and trapped at times.I missed feeling proud of my career and the challenge and mental stimulation it gives me.

I went back to a similar role part time 2.5 days a week when DD1 was 3.5yo, and have just returned to it after a years mat leave with DD2, who has just turned one and with a lovely childminder, whom she has settled with like a dream.

I wish I had gone back part time with DD1 tbh.I think i'd have coped alot better and life would have felt more manegable and balanced.

But everyone's situations are different!

@TheMoops Actually, I can see now why it’s not an unconscious bias having written it out 😂

I was a SAHM for 12 years, I’m glad I was with them when they were small but wish I had back to work sooner. The longer I was away, the harder to get back. I was getting very down and had low self esteem towards the end, so I say if you do do it, only do it until the children start school at the very most

I agree with you; it’s these same “reasons” every time.
Mine isn’t any of these reasons; I just wanted to be at home. People fall over themselves trying to justify their decision when really, they can just say “this is what I did, because I wanted to” it’s quite tiring on both sides having to justify yourself to strangers online.

@Topgub the “working mums” have the same reasons everytime too;
wanted financial independence
was bored at home
needed mental stimulation
think of the cv

No worries!

@NCFT0922

Sure

But there's less of a tendency to presume uniqness or only 1 way to achieve the same outcome

A month 😂. I took ten years and retrained (I count the retraining as part of the ten years, albeit it took three of them). I have no regrets whatsoever. I am quite certain he has none, either. I re-entered the workplace at exactly the time I wanted to, I continued to pay into a pension (albeit max payments when not working are not that high) and still had other savings in my name. I left a very well remunerated career. Yes of course it was a risk, but it was a calculated one. It appears to have worked out well for me. I don’t regret a single moment of it. But I do have the grace to accept that this was entirely due to my specific circumstances and no generalisations can be made from my specific experience.

@Walkaround

In medicine or dentistry?

@Topgub - no, but I have a friend who retrained as a doctor and my dentist took a fairly extended career break.

@Walkaround

Men?

@Topgub - yes to the doctor and no to the dentist. I know a woman who retrained as a doctor after a career break, but that’s not the person I was thinking of when I posted.

Why are you constantly making this all about the poor men Topgub? Are you a man by any chance?

I went back part time after my two and it’s been the best thing for me, I needed to have my brain focus on other things. The extra money was great to be able to treat the kids on days off and even better when we got free funding. I don’t regret going back part time and not remaining off work as it would I think eventually have got me down. My kids have thrived in childcare too.

I was a SAHM until my DC both went to school and then Part Time WFH.

Both are tough but if I could do it again I'd go back to work.

I lost 5 years of career progression, lost independence, most poeple think you have it easy when SAHM is relentless, and ended up having to retrain.

My advice would be to go back to work, part-time if you want some time at home with them. But go back. You'll be grateful that you did.

I left after my first DD and it wasn’t for me, I went back after 9 months part time.
I like the social aspect of working and I’m lucky enough to have a employers that are more than happy for me to go to all school activities etc.
id just say make sure you’re going back to a job you enjoy and don’t do full days, they are hard in winter especially

Not read the whole thread, as I’m just off to work but wanted to share my own story.
When I had my children, I was a SAHM. I was a childminder for a few years, until it wasn’t practical due to my own children. Then I worked in low paid jobs around them. I was the one who took time off when they sick. And all that comes with being the primary care giver. My now ex worked on his career.
20 years later, we got divorced, and life is a real struggle for me now.
I still cherish the time I had when they were small, but my advice to anyone is never to take for granted that your life won’t change unrecognisably in the future, and be prepared for it to happen. Sorry to say it, but if it could happen to me, it can happen to anyone.
Make sure that you could support yourself and your children financially, by yourself, if the worst DID happen.

My husband was a SAHD for 2 years. It can be hard, isolating but also rewarding and so much less stressful than rushing from childcare to work and back again. He enjoyed it on the whole and now that our youngest is eligible for free childcare he has found a new part time job. He found work without any problems when he wanted to, which was his biggest fear when we decided to do it this way.

On the other hand I have a career I’ve worked hard to build and I wouldn’t have wanted to give that up. I enjoy working so I prefer to do it. Now we both work part time and that works for us. We’ve switched around our working schedules a few times to make life work for us. If you don’t like it you can always change your mind. Do what works for you.

I've been a SAHM and really struggled with it.

I would much rather work part time and get a bit of both

I didn’t have to return to work but I weighed up my options and in the end my decision to return was based on the following :

during maternity I spent a lot of my time cleaning and cooking and ‘quality time’ was only a small proportion of my day.

I wondered what I would do when my kids went off to school and I didn’t want to be left behind in my career and later struggling to get back into the work force.

continued professional development is important in my profession.

I worked hard to get to where I was and I didn’t want to throw it away for the sake of what would have only been a few years at home.

I value equality in a relationship and I could if I wanted to I could earn the same as my husband. It didn’t feel right letting one person support us all.

I wanted to earn my own money and contribute financially.

being there for kids was still important. So over a couple of years I phased back from three to four and then five days again and that allowed me much flexibility.

My kids aren’t worse off for it. If anything we value the time we have more and I love their faces when they see my at the gates as it doesn’t happen often. It’s a treat for them.

I spend a lot on a good childminder and ensured I was giving my kids a good alternative home environment. Not too far from me anyway.

SAHM isn’t for everyone. And imo, can be quite isolating based on my experience of three maternity-leaves back to back.

I hope this helps

@mantramama

No. I'm not a man. But that accusation comes up fairly often.

I'm not sure if it's supposed to be an insult.

So what if I was? Are men not allowed an opinion on their children?

I mention the 'poor men' because I believe in equality.

Children should be as much their responsibility as women's.

Sahms tend to speak in such awful terms about working and leaving children. How detrimental it is.

But they're OK for their ohs to do it.

Several people have spoken about regrets and missing out and wanting to be the one to raise their children. How they dont want to have to work in the capitalist machine

No one has answered why they don't care that their kids dad, the person they chose to have kids with, is missing out on those things

Hypocrisy at its best

Children should be as much their responsibility as women's.

Sahms tend to speak in such awful terms about working and leaving children. How detrimental it is.

But they're OK for their ohs to do it.

Several people have spoken about regrets and missing out and wanting to be the one to raise their children. How they dont want to have to work in the capitalist machine
*
No one has answered why they don't care that their kids dad, the person they chose to have kids with, is missing out on those things

Hypocrisy at its best

I agree with this.
I only wanted to have children with someone who wanted to play an equal role in raising them. Just earning the money isn't enough imo.