To think this isn’t a particularly large age gap?

[Izwizi]

Met with DH family yesterday. The talk came to DH niece - she’s at Cambridge and in her first year (18). She’s been seeing a postgrad also at Cambridge (who looks like a great catch to me actually, v attractive and I can think of far worse characters for an 18 y/o to knock about with!) who is 24.

Theyre of the opinion that he is too old for her and it’s weird and predatory. AIBU to disagree? Genuinely curious.

It’s quite a different life stage, it’s perhaps a little odd someone in their mid 20s wants to date a girl who only just left home and it COULD be that he gets off on a power imbalance, so I can see her parents would rather he was 21 or under.. but agree it may well be fine.

I met my husband when I had just turned 19 and he was 24..... makes no difference now that we're 31 and 36 but he did get a lot of cradle snatcher jokes at the start.

Family didn't have a problem. They were actually v happy as he has a great career and way more mature than the 19 year olds I was dating

That's a bit rich coming from someone who's been saying that men are naturally more immature than women across the board! I would love to know what on earth 'evidence' you think there is for that (and no, I don't being pseudo-science Steve Biddulph kind of nonsense).

You seem very defensive here @LargeHadronCollidHER - jumping in on every poster who is suggesting that for some young people this might not be appropriate . It's almost as though you feel you have to justify your own choices .....

DD and her female friends (18-19yos) definitely see guys over 21 who are interested in women their age as creeps. I have been quite surprised at how definite they are about that - if they are out in bars or clubs and are approached by older guys they definitely assume they are after one thing and tell them to get lost. Nobody has a partner more that 1-2 years older. I am a bit more “it depends on the individuals” but I guess I wouldn’t be happy if DD was with a 24yo so I’m being a bit hypocritical.

I consider the countless studies into this as ‘evidence’ It’s weird how a basic fundamental of brain development is a struggle for you to comprehend

just a few for you -

www.telegraph.co.uk/news/science/science-news/10529134/Girls-really-do-mature-quicker-than-boys-scientists-find.html

academic.oup.com/cercor/article/25/6/1477/299218

healthland.time.com/2013/12/19/why-girls-brains-mature-faster-than-boys-brains/

www.thetimes.co.uk/article/secret-of-why-girls-brains-mature-faster-5lw0qp32ph8?gclid=CjwKCAjwtp2bBhAGEiwAOZZTuO75K6BD9UmyFf-T7RHd15CJBNTLbkMPj_9kWW9yqFnELxOkAl9YShoCkEIQAvD_BwE

www.telegraph.co.uk/news/newstopics/howaboutthat/10111993/Men-grow-up-at-43-11-years-later-than-women.html

Sure for some it might not be

But people aren’t saying some, those I am responding to are making blanket generalisations.

Which on the most part infantilise women.

Calling 18 year old women girls, saying they’re immature is not acceptable.

I subscribe to half age plus 7 being youngest reasonable partner, 18 is just below the answer (19), so a bit borderline. 6 years generally doesbt seem completely unreasonable though. I guess it depends on maturity and if the relationship feels equal

@LargeHadronCollidHER we have to agree to disagree then. I don't think DD is immature in the slightest. She is appropriately mature for her age.

She is very sensible. But she has gone from living at home and supported by us to living in university accommodation and cosseted by the University. She hasn't had many life experiences that make you grow up, nor have her friends. They are all of a similar backgrounds with a similar level of maturity.

And as a PP said, when they were 18 and freshers, someone of a tutor's age hitting on them would definitely have been seen as dodgy.

^^ it is definitely in the zone of causing the ick for some. Obviously a lot of new uni students are very naive, has she had previous relationships? Has the boyfriend? I'd want to know a lot more.

You say she isn’t immature then go on to describe someone who is sheltered?

She hasn’t had much life experience

is cosseted

that means she will be less mature than many 18 year olds. Thus immature.

Her friends being equally immature doesn’t make a difference

Aren't nearly all of those just journalism? I'm sorry, but you do not understand what is meant by scientific evidence.

I don't think DD is immature in the slightest. She is appropriately mature for her age.

I think this is such an important point. Why are we in such a hurry to insist 18-year-olds must be developmentally the same as people in their 20s?

Have you even clicked on any?

You think cerebral Cortex is journalism? - it’s one of the biggest science journals there are. The publish peer reviewed research.

The other articles link to the studies they reference.

it’s clear you don’t understand what is meant by scientific evidence, but what’s confusing is why you’re asking for something you can’t recognise or understand

No one is in a hurry to do anything

But facts are a woman of 18 is developmentally going to be more similar to men on average 3-4 years older (sometimes more)

You can argue against biological, researched and studied facts all you want - but it just makes you look a bit silly.

If someone’s 18 year old is sheltered and immature that’s not a good thing.

Oh dear. And I've noticed that the only academic article @LargeHadronCollidHER cites is a decade old.

I'm sorry, I'm not interested in reading an article in a newspaper and pretending it's a scientific study. As I have just said, the only journal article you cite is ten years out of date. You clearly have no idea what you are talking about.

Threads like this really wind me up. I loathe the New Puritanism.

Different perspective here - I have sons - one recently graduated and one in 4th year. Older students picking up first year students is referred to as 'sharking'. They see it as only the sleazy, creepy students who do that. Of course some may well be forming genuine relationships but their view seems to be they are a minority. As the year goes on and students get more established their opinions change, but she’s only been at Cambridge for about a month - definitely falls into sharking behaviour.

Older students picking up first year students is referred to as 'sharking'.

When I was an undergraduate we called it 'fuck a fresher'.

8 year age gap. Met at 19/27. Never been a problem. Married for 40 years!

I've got to say my concern also is that she's so early in year 1. Is she even a month in? That's the thing that makes this go from ok to not ok for me.

No, this wouldn't bother me in the slightest. I dated a 23 year old at 17/18 and a 40yr old at 22! Had a lovely time with both even though neither was destined to last the distance (nor did we want it to with the guy with the bigger gap). Rest of my relationships have been similar ages give or take a couple years. Really not an issue when both parties are adults, she could be treated poorly by a guy of any age. If they're having a nice time and treat one another well that's what matters.

She started on 1 October I think. I think she knew of him before starting, she has two older brothers who mixed in similar circles or something like that so they know of him. Nice lad apparently but nephews main gripe is that he is a ‘blue’ and why isn’t he mingling with his own age. She’s announced that she’s ‘going to Thailand’ over Xmas and SIL is not amused 😂

And then picking over your DN’s and her mother and even the guy (he has a very complicated relationship with his father, he’s a post graduate, he’s heavily in sport etc) on a public chat forum.

we know she is 18, has two older brothers; dating a post grad; was due to go to Thailand over Christmas

I could go on…. Just seems you’ve pushed personal stuff about your family and your teen DN on a public forum and relish gossiping about them