To think this isn’t a particularly large age gap?

[Izwizi]

Met with DH family yesterday. The talk came to DH niece - she’s at Cambridge and in her first year (18). She’s been seeing a postgrad also at Cambridge (who looks like a great catch to me actually, v attractive and I can think of far worse characters for an 18 y/o to knock about with!) who is 24.

Theyre of the opinion that he is too old for her and it’s weird and predatory. AIBU to disagree? Genuinely curious.

As long as he treats her correctly, that's the main thing

You hear the maturity argument a lot and i do understand that to a certain extent but its almost always mature women and immature men and i just think why isnt anyone more concerned about these young men who have the mental age of someone 6 years younger - wouldnt that be a cause for concern rather than a cute personality quirk?
Its a bit different if they are in their 30s but why is it that you'd be really concerned about a 16 year old boy with the maturity of a 10 year old but when they just a bit are older, in their 20s when their brains are still developing and need to be able to maintain a healthy relationship so as not to treat their partner badly we're just like.... 'haha isnt it funny, thank god she's mature?'
Just feels like another way society infantilises young men and encourages the 'women looking after men' dynamic.

And yep, some people will read this and think im reading too much into it/its not that complex/your relationship is fine and thats totally fine, but i know a few couples who had age gaps when they started out and they'd all tell you it doesnt matter and they've been married 20 years so clearly its fine.... but.... they all have the same dynamic. She does 95% of the housework, childcare and general life management and is exasperated at his lack of effort/organisation/self awareness and he puts the bins out, makes jokes about the 'ball&chain', disappears off for hours to do his hobbies at the weekends, never spends any time with the kids but is 'a great partner and dad' if the age gap was ever questioned.
It obviously wont apply to everyone but its really common at least in my area (semi-rural) for it to be the case. So when people come on these threads and say 'well i was 17 and my partner was 28 and we're great together' i do wonder where the truth actually lies. I've got a lot of respect to women on here who've posted in the past to say 'i always thought it was fine but now my daughters the same age i was i am horrified'.

I met my 20 year old OH when I was 29. It turned a few heads and her parents were rightly a bit weary initially. 17 years later were married with two DC.
It's neve an issue with us bit some people always have trouble with it.
In your instance 6years is nothing, if they're happy then why not why let a number get in the way of love.

Yes I agree with this.

Perhaps. Hadn’t thought of it like that. He’s incredibly attractive and I don’t think he’d struggle to attract girls his own age but like i said upthread, DN is incredibly beautiful (inside and out).

I haven’t met him so obviously I can’t really comment on his personality

I think the 18 year olds now are (completely understandably) less mature than the 18yo of about 5 years ago because they've missed out on so much "normal" teen stuff because of all the various lockdowns and restrictions.

Their entire 6th form experience was dominated by lockdowns and socially distancing, none of the usual rites of passage. Though obviously it will all even out eventually, this cohort feels a bit 'younger' as a result. So yeah, it seems a bit of a big gap this early on in her university experience.

I met DH in a university society. I was 20, he was 29 and a recently graduated mature student. We were friends for the first year or so, developed into a relationship and that was 20+ years ago.
We took things gently because of the difference in life stage and were mid 20s/30s before commiting to marriage then a few years later again for having a family. The pros were that we've always had financial stability as he was already established in a stable career, although that geographically restricted my start in my career, but it's flips of the same coin. Sometimes compromises have to be made regardless of age gaps. We've lasted far longer than my friends who had closer age gaps at the time.

There's a difference between 18 at school and 18 and living away at university and having experienced work and the learning/ experience curve is steep at that age. Under/ post graduate students is not a massive leap of life experience and "acceptable age gaps" change very rapidly at that stage. It's getting to the point where it is personality and attitude that matters rather than pure age.

I would be slightly concerned if it were my DD, TBH.

Is he a postgrad in her subject? If so, depending on what stage he's at, he could end up teaching undergraduates. It would not be appropriate for them to have a relationship in that situation, and personally, I think if it's a possibility, it'd make things very uncomfortable.

I have known someone at Cambridge who ended up dating one of the postgrads who was teaching in her subject, and at the time we all thought it was very cool (for perspective, her director of studies was dating another undergraduate student, which I bloody hope wouldn't happen today and shouldn't have happened then!). But, in retrospect, it was actually quite damaging and had a pretty horrible impact on her academic and personal life.

I don't think the age discrepancy is unthinkable, but I think dating someone who is, basically, senior to you while you're in a very academically pressured environment, is a recipe for issues. He's always going to seem smarter because he's further on; if they are in the same or similar subjects, unpleasant people are likely to gossip about whether he's helping her with her work. And I must admit, I would want to be very sure that he wasn't just enjoying her being the young, less-knowledgeable person. That's not a recipe for a healthy relationship.

Not saying it couldn't ever work, but those would be my reservations if it were my daughter.

It’s fine if they get along and love each other. Actually I read somewhere ages ago that 7 years is the ideal age gap in M/F relationships (with the man being the older) as that is when we reach the same level of emotional maturity. I met my DH at 21 when he was 28 and we are just about to hit our 25th wedding anniversary. He was a refreshing change from the immature boys my own age I’d dated before. Good luck to them I say

It’s almost always mature women because that’s how the brain works for women

its an area that has been well studied and researched.

Women do as a whole mature faster, the average maturity gap in late teens - mid 20’s is 2-4 years between men and women of the same age.

it’s not society infantilising men. It’s basic biology

That 7 year rule sounds like made up nonsense. What age isit applicable from?
presumably not a blanket rule or a 16yo would date a 23yo.

My hunch is the 7 year rule is an excuse that's part of the process of normalising older men and younger women (and the related idea that the man ought to earn more/his career ought to matter more/ 'it was just natural to us that I give up my job and stay home because he earns more'). Not saying it's in any way intentional, but that's what it's doing.

Interesting, i'll have a look into the research for that - presumably related to the hormone changes we go through in puberty?
But of course on top of biological factors, we absolutely do have a societal issue with this, where men are seen and are treated as 'big kids' so there's nature and nurture at play here.

At least it wasn't a lecturer. That would be sordid.

Yes, as girls go through puberty earlier the studies have linked the two, as the biggest jumps in emotional development usually proceeds puberty.

I think it’s a bit simplistic to say ‘it’s always older men with younger women’ - as most women won’t date men their own age too. It’s not simply a case of men targeting younger women.

Women and girls do mature faster than boys and men on the most part. They will also often choose to date older.

I’d have not touched a 18-22 year old when I was 18. I had a strict 5+ year age gap rule as I was more able to have actual conversations with partners, good sex and be more on a similar wavelength maturity wise.

My niece is 18 and is far more mature than her own brother who is 22. She’d find someone that age boring to be with, and as such usually dates older, as do most of her friends.

My mother was 19 when she married my dad of 31. My own husband is 16 years older than me. 6 years is nothing.

A lot of 24 years old men have the maturity of a16 years old.

I think it's creepy. My SIL is an 18 year old first year and still really only just flying the nest.

The power imbalance at that age is huge, between a fresher and a postgrad. I would be concerned about how that played out within the relationship.

Even if she was 20 and he 26 that would be better but at 18 they're still very young these days. Why does that appeal to him over a woman his own age.

It wouldn't bother me. If she's confident/happy and he seems a decent sort then it's fine.

I have a 19 year old DD and 23 year old DS. They have always been clear that the age gap is too big to date each other's friends.

my friend once told me the formula of what is acceptable and it does kind of work...

Half the older age +. Anything below that is unacceptable.

so, if you are 16 you should't go out with anyone under 15 (16/2+7)
if you are 24 you shouldn't go out with anyone under 19
If you are 40, no one under 27

obviously only a rough rule with no grounding in anything but it does kind of work... and following the rule, this relationship is on the edge of the rule

But is not a real rule - but is a kind of guide.

dammit - half the age add seven

Which is insane because four years difference is pretty standard.

Agreed

It just seems like a waste to be 18 and tied down so young.