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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To feel upset by my mum going on about how much better things were in the past

126 replies

Sneeeeze · 06/11/2022 12:40

I'm 27 and have a daughter who's just turned 5. My mum is nearby us so we spend a lot of time with her. I also have a sister who is 42. Whenever my mum is with us and whenever me or my daughter tell her about something she's always going on about how the things were better either when my sister was that age or when she was that age. For example I paid for a local lady with a cake business to make a simple birthday cake for my daughter (was a chocolate sponge with white icing and a little dog ecoration on top). My mum went on about how cakes were more simple and elegant back when my sister was young. She goes on about how much better kids tv was in the 80s. My daughter goes to swimming classes and my mum goes on about how swimming classes aren't today what they were when she was a child and they were so much more fun back then. She also says toys are awful compared to what they were in the 80s. I found on eBay a toy that I used to have around the early 2000s that I thought my daughter would like and when my mum saw her with it she recognized it and said, see toys are terrible nowadays as you're buying ones from when you were young. I might be being too sensitive but it really upsets me because I feel like when I try and make things nice for my daughter its just like it's not good enough. She says these things in front of her too so whilst she might be too young to realise now as she gets older she might think things aren't good nowadays and feel that she's missed out. When I talk to my mum about this she just says she just thinks it's sad that things aren't as good as they used to be. I was just wondering if people think I'm being unreasonable in being upset and also if anyone else has had this with their parents?

OP posts:
Maray1967 · 06/11/2022 12:42

Not really / but this would drive me nuts. You’re going to have be clear with her - ‘mum, this is really wearing me down. Please stop saying this all the time. Do you think it’s helpful?’

RoseValleyRambles · 06/11/2022 12:43

I wouldn't be upset, just bored. And a bit sad that she doesn't seem to find much joy in life. I think some suitably pithy responses are in order, which others will probably provide much better than I...

MrsSkylerWhite · 06/11/2022 12:45

Rose tinted glasses and nostalgia, especially when life is difficult. Sorry to say it but you may well feel the same way in 25 years 😁
as it upsets you though, cup of tea and a chat is needed.

AussieMozzieMagnet · 06/11/2022 12:46

I think your Mum and I would get on. I honestly do feel things in the past were far nicer/simpler and elegant. My Mum agrees with me.

luxxlisbon · 06/11/2022 12:46

Your daughter isn’t going to be affected by this.

TheLightSideOfTheMoon · 06/11/2022 12:46

To be fair, some 80s cartoons were the balls. The new Care Bears just look freaky.

My grandmother used to tell us every birthday how she didn’t have plastic toys in her day, only bakerlight? (no idea of spelling) and her dad would tell them how dangerous it was and throw it on the fire and watch it explode to prove it.

Aren’t most things dangerous when they’re on fire?

hesbeingabitofadick · 06/11/2022 12:50

YANBU, but...life was fab in the late 70s/80s.
I like your Mum too. Grin

Sneeeeze · 06/11/2022 12:50

@luxxlisbon I realise that she won't be at the moment but I was just worried that as she gets older she might. If you're hearing someone saying the things you have aren't good and that other people have had better it might unsettle her in years to come.

OP posts:
hesbeingabitofadick · 06/11/2022 12:51

Oh, can you print the thread when you've finished and stash it away for, say 20yrs?
Then read it and realise you're now your Mum. 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️
Honestly, it comes to us all.
Gin

Sneeeeze · 06/11/2022 12:53

@hesbeingabitofadick My dh says this too- his mum isn't nearly as full on as my mum with it though. It just upsets me because I'm trying to give my daughter a nice childhood and I'm constantly hearing how it'll never be as good as the past.

OP posts:
JennasCrustyHandbag · 06/11/2022 12:53

Remember that in the 80s there were 3 tv channels, 3. There was a small slot in the schedule after school until 6pm when the news came on and then done for the evening unlike Cbeebies that have a bedtime hour. From 5pm it was things like Blue Peter and Newsround.

Saturday morning TV shows were amazing however you were dragged into "town" with your parents as shops shut at 5.30pm so all shopping was done on a Saturday. That is how I remember it anyway and I am the same age as your sister.

Today, you cannot beat the variety that is children's tv channels and YouTube for the best choice of entertainment and most importantly on demand TV like Netflix, Disney Plus etc. You couldn't pause tv, rewind it and video recorders were expensive as were VHS tapes.

Your Mum is remembering things through rose tinted glasses.

Cuppasoupmonster · 06/11/2022 12:53

I mean it’s typical ‘back in my day’ rubbish but YABU to be ‘upset’ by it…

hesbeingabitofadick · 06/11/2022 12:54

My Grandma couldn't understand why I played with "plastic"...it was Lego.
She also had a thing about girls only playing with dolls...yeah, that didn't happen I decapitated Sindy 🤣

LesterBiggot · 06/11/2022 12:55

I agree with your mum. Although It's not as if we can change much, we live in the present not the past.

Gruelle · 06/11/2022 12:55

I’m guessing your mother must be around my age or a little older - and I don’t think I react like that to everything! Nor in fact does my nonagenarian mother!

I wonder if your mother is feeling a bit adrift and - not on top of her present life? Maybe she feels she doesn’t have much to offer your daughter - in terms of money, experiences, advice about an unknowable future?

It may be annoying and upsetting but you may need to find ways to reassure her of her own value to you and her granddaughter. Emphasise all her best qualities and talk endlessly about things / experiences she’ll share with your daughter in the future.

BigSandyBalls2015 · 06/11/2022 12:56

A lot of people do this when they reach a certain age. It’s elderly and annoying and I will do my best to avoid being like this when I’m older.

bellinisurge · 06/11/2022 12:58

I was a teen/young adult in the 80s. Looking back, I had zero responsibilities, popular culture and politics was all new to me. My parents were teens in the war before teenagers were invented and obviously everything looks better. That's tedious nostalgia and a person who says it is being boring. My parents said it. I occasionally say it now. It's genuinely dull and boring. I could list all the things back then that were absolutely shit but that's a bit boring too.

Womencanlift · 06/11/2022 12:58

Sneeeeze · 06/11/2022 12:50

@luxxlisbon I realise that she won't be at the moment but I was just worried that as she gets older she might. If you're hearing someone saying the things you have aren't good and that other people have had better it might unsettle her in years to come.

Your “it might unsettle her” comment sounds pretty precious OP

The rose tinted glasses approach to life is pretty common especially after the last few years. I used to roll my eyes every Thursday night when my mum and dad used to go on about how bad the music was on Top of the Pops. Now I listen to today’s music and do the same. It’s just part of growing up

I doubt your DC will be scarred by your mums comments especially if you just laugh them off. They will have a complex about them if you clearly get upset

hesbeingabitofadick · 06/11/2022 12:59

@JennasCrustyHandbag But Dangermouse was fantastic!

OP, you could tell her to wind her neck in...or maybe tone it down a bit. Luckily your DD is unlikely to remember much about Granny berating her for liking *insert name of current favourite toy here.

I was told to be grateful for any meal, due to rationing in the second world war - Grandpa had medals from WW1 - I still wouldn't eat liver and onions 🤢

arghtriffid · 06/11/2022 12:59

It is not unusual. Everyone is guilty of this and I can't see why you would be offended by it?

astronewt · 06/11/2022 13:01

I think you're being wayyyyy too sensitive. This is called 'being an old bore' and the only required response is to roll your eyes. "Sure, mum, whatever."

Sneeeeze · 06/11/2022 13:01

I completely get that a lot of people think that things were better in the past and that's fine- I'm not saying they weren't. The thing that upset me is that it feels like everything I do will never be seen as good in her eyes.

OP posts:
drkpl · 06/11/2022 13:02

Your mum is being a bit ridiculous. Honestly, just ignore her or start ranting about how much better you think things were in the 1940s.

Hardbackwriter · 06/11/2022 13:02

I think it might be helpful if you could just pity your mum for this and so focus on that rather than your annoyance? It's sad and a bit pathetic that she's allowing nostalgia to suck the joy out of everything and while I can understand why it's driving you mad ultimately it's her that it's saddest for.

JennasCrustyHandbag · 06/11/2022 13:03

@hesbeingabitofadick true, Dangermouse was amazing and there were some amazing TV shows but remember we also had Bagpuss (check out the mermaid episode with no seashells so you can see her bare breasts) but today's TV show Bluey is so funny.

I think on demand TV, never having to wait a week for the next episode is life changing. I am team binge.