To feel upset by my mum going on about how much better things were in the past

[Sneeeeze]

I'm 27 and have a daughter who's just turned 5. My mum is nearby us so we spend a lot of time with her. I also have a sister who is 42. Whenever my mum is with us and whenever me or my daughter tell her about something she's always going on about how the things were better either when my sister was that age or when she was that age. For example I paid for a local lady with a cake business to make a simple birthday cake for my daughter (was a chocolate sponge with white icing and a little dog ecoration on top). My mum went on about how cakes were more simple and elegant back when my sister was young. She goes on about how much better kids tv was in the 80s. My daughter goes to swimming classes and my mum goes on about how swimming classes aren't today what they were when she was a child and they were so much more fun back then. She also says toys are awful compared to what they were in the 80s. I found on eBay a toy that I used to have around the early 2000s that I thought my daughter would like and when my mum saw her with it she recognized it and said, see toys are terrible nowadays as you're buying ones from when you were young. I might be being too sensitive but it really upsets me because I feel like when I try and make things nice for my daughter its just like it's not good enough. She says these things in front of her too so whilst she might be too young to realise now as she gets older she might think things aren't good nowadays and feel that she's missed out. When I talk to my mum about this she just says she just thinks it's sad that things aren't as good as they used to be. I was just wondering if people think I'm being unreasonable in being upset and also if anyone else has had this with their parents?

Ah well - this government is taking us back to the good old days - hope your mum likes them again. Those days when there was no central heating in houses, houses were freezing and you woke up to ice inside the windows. Those days when if you were lucky one room was warm - but the North Pole Experience was to be had just by stepping into your hallway! Great days when for Christmas you got your stocking full of a tangerine and an apple. Fantastic time ogling in shop windows but not able to afford to buy. Yippee - can't wait.

YANBU op, I would find anyone's constant negativity (about anything) very wearing.
We're in the here and now so perhaps remind her of that and to stop putting a downer on everything!

You just described my childhood too. Saturday morning TV was just the best. Also early 40’s here 🙈😂

I've got a friend who is 8 years older than me. She does it too. I find it insufferable.

It's just nostalgia. It's people whose lives basically went into suspended animation when they reached adulthood and who look back at their youth as some golden period.

It's utter nonsense. I lived through the late 70s/early 80s and while I think there was some interesting cultural stuff during those periods life for a lot of people was pretty miserable.

I defy anyone who was gay in the late 70s to say times were better then. Or a woman trapped in a miserable marriage who was told that a "broken home" was something to be avoided at all costs. Or someone living in a mining community.

Life is infinitely better today for most people. Some people just have an imagination deficit and feel more comfortable living in the past.

Oh my goodness- I have a mother exactly the same. In her day this and in her day that. She doesn't like or understand things today. When I reality all the same stuff was happening she probably just wasn't aware of it.

Solidarity to you.

I tend to just drown her out as she's 73 and I think she likes reminiscing wearing her rose tinted glasses.

You do know she's talking a load of crap, don't you? My dd was born in 1982, I was 24 that year. It was ok. Now is ok, too. Not perfect, but some good bits.

It's a personality thing. She has to be pulling other people down all the time to make herself feel good. Self-importance. My aunt does it. She'll tell you that the world was a better place when women couldn't 'call rape' (when someone raped them!). The last time I saw her she tried to tell me (and wanted me to agree) that we should all use 'the n word' because in her paintbox in the 1940s was a colour called 'n * brown'. Bizarre outlook on the world, everything in the past was better than anything today. And because that's so, they (we!) the old people are better and had better than you, the young people.

It's not true. It's a delusion. Raise your eyebrows and move on. Maybe murmur 'Yes, mum. Yours was always better' and smile.

My MIL was exactly the same when I had my DS. Picked at everything - clothes, toys, strollers and how we went about doing things such as BF and BLW.

The mistake DH and I made was not to nip it in the bud, as it escalated into her calling him a terrible Father due to us taking DS swimming at 6 months old. In a warm pool, properly kitted out, led by a qualified instructor 😐 This led to not seeing her for months.

I'd highly recommend talking to her about how it's making you feel. You need support not constant comparison. Some Grandparents really struggle to make the transition to their new "role" in the family and I think try to assert control for their own reassurance.

2000s music is great and probably will soon be the new 90s music! I have a niece your age. It seemed to me a lovely time to be a child. You had Cbeebies first. Come Outside! Also McDonalds definitely existed in the 80s even if she didn't go to it 😀

I'm kind of relieved to see this is quite a common thing, at least on this thread! My MIL is always like this, and I thought I was alone in my irritation.
One good example (there are loads I could mention), on my two DS's birthdays she has (on a few occasions) sent our family WA chat photos of DH on his birthday at the same age. Erm, not really interested in him today, it's my son's birthday!
There's always that underlying tone with her that the 80s and 90s, when my DH and his 3 siblings were at home, were the 'glory days' and everything after that is just a poor follow-up. I'm sure she has sweet and nostalgic intentions but it's so annoying to me. I just ignore as best I can.

@Drummachinesandlandslides I'm so glad I'm not the only one that's had this (sorry that you have it too though!). I do think my mum does have good intentions too but it just really bothers me after a while!

@DorritLittle I enjoyed my childhood and enjoyed the things that were popular back then. Whilst I watch and listen and do things with her that are current today I do also watch older things with my daughter that I enjoyed as a child and buy her some of the toys I had and she's got some ones I've kept since I was her age. Definitely doesn't make the 2000s better though- they're just different. I also liked things that my sister watched in the 80s that she showed me when I was young. I loved Come Outside as well!

I hate it.
Imagine 'my friend said her dds birthday cake last week was better than the one I produced today'
Nothing would be excused with nostalgia, it's bad manners.

I hope I will be able to reminisce in a more balanced way - epic cake for your seventh, reduced dented Colin for your eighth, the year the wax ended up on the icing, have you enjoyed picking out your own dd's cake, I loved it with you, etc.

I mean this kindly op but you’re being a little bit OTT. I promise your daughter won’t give a shit about toys from 40 years ago no matter how much granny bangs on 😂 you’re being a little bit over sensitive and taking this personally.
id just eye roll and say “ok mum”. Don’t give it any more headspace.

To be fair, she has a point.....

@birdling I've said earlier back my point isn't that she thinks things were better back then. That's absolutely fine if she (and you) think so, my point is that it's not nice to be constantly told how much better things were and how things that you do aren't as good

It was a rhetorical question.

Im making the point that people moan regardless, people moan that people of OPs mother's age had it really good. People like OPs mother say they had it really good. People of OPs age moan that it wasnt really good so stop saying it was. Other people of OPs mothers age say it wasnt really good what on earth are you thinking

But people of OPs age cant have it both ways, often saying that older people had it much better than they do now but at the same time, dont keep saying life was better then!!

@Peashoots I can understand from this thread and a lot of replies that she probably won't be affected by this. I think maybe it's just upset me and I'm worrying that it will to her to but it probably won't.

YANBU, she sounds like she has a massive chip on her shoulder. I don't see any need to tell a child that things used to be better in the old days when they are trying to tell you about something nice that happened today.

Honestly, try not to take it personally. Parenting has changed massively since the 80s, she’s nostalgic about the way things were, doesn’t sound like a direct criticism of your parenting at all 😊

@bellac11 but I'm not saying that they did or didn't have it better back then. I don't know because I wasn't there. My daughter is here now though and I don't like that my mum keeps saying it's not as good for her. I want her to have a nice childhood- not one that's constantly compared to a time where nor she or I existed

@Peashoots no I know, thank you for your kind reply. I think I just want to get it right with my daughter. I do agree that I'll look back at this in years to come and probably laugh that I got upset and it will seem insignificant

As your daughter gets older just make light of it and say "nanny's putting on her rose tinted specs again!"

Nanny probably does believe that food don't taste as good, ...she probably thinks that rainbows and sunsets were prettier back in the day - that summers were longer...

She is fondly remembering her youth and your daughter will fondly remember hers. If she is rude though that's not on. How about if "cakes were all more elegant back in the day" - not the ones you made mum!

It’s more tedious than upsetting. I know she’s your mother but tell her she’s being a bore.

I think you'd find your mum's comments less distressing if you try to understand where she's coming from and take her remarks with a pinch of salt.

Many people look back with rose tinted spectacles on a time when they were younger and life was more enjoyable and perhaps kinder to them. It doesn't mean life in general was actually better, just different.

You can't control what she says or thinks but you can control how her words affect you. Stop letting her remarks get to you.

And no, her words won't unsettle you child or make her unhappy in some way.

Your mum sounds as if she's not happy with her life currently if she feels the need to keep harking back to the past. Perhaps she needs to find ways to make her life more interesting in the here and now.

I'm in my 70s. I rarely think about the past in any nostalgic way because I'm enjoying my life in the present.

Personally, I think life's much better now as far as what's available to us.