To feel upset by my mum going on about how much better things were in the past

[Sneeeeze]

I'm 27 and have a daughter who's just turned 5. My mum is nearby us so we spend a lot of time with her. I also have a sister who is 42. Whenever my mum is with us and whenever me or my daughter tell her about something she's always going on about how the things were better either when my sister was that age or when she was that age. For example I paid for a local lady with a cake business to make a simple birthday cake for my daughter (was a chocolate sponge with white icing and a little dog ecoration on top). My mum went on about how cakes were more simple and elegant back when my sister was young. She goes on about how much better kids tv was in the 80s. My daughter goes to swimming classes and my mum goes on about how swimming classes aren't today what they were when she was a child and they were so much more fun back then. She also says toys are awful compared to what they were in the 80s. I found on eBay a toy that I used to have around the early 2000s that I thought my daughter would like and when my mum saw her with it she recognized it and said, see toys are terrible nowadays as you're buying ones from when you were young. I might be being too sensitive but it really upsets me because I feel like when I try and make things nice for my daughter its just like it's not good enough. She says these things in front of her too so whilst she might be too young to realise now as she gets older she might think things aren't good nowadays and feel that she's missed out. When I talk to my mum about this she just says she just thinks it's sad that things aren't as good as they used to be. I was just wondering if people think I'm being unreasonable in being upset and also if anyone else has had this with their parents?

Either she is being a bit stupid or you are taking things too much to heart. We can't hear her to going on what you say she's being silly.

Of course some things were better and some things were worse, maybe she is the sort of person who remembers the good bits and forgets the rest. I was getting annoyed about the internet, we've got building going on close to us and they keep messing with utilities and we've had power cuts, dirty water and now the internet is playing up. I can't watch netflix, what a tragedy. I had to remind myself that when I was a kid we had one channel on our very unreliable black and white TV. Some days I think TV is awful, so much too choose from and nothing worth watching but back then we had no choice so we enjoyed what there was. Is that better now or better then? I'm not sure but I think it's better now as I don't want to go back to then.

Now is what we have and I'm sure your little one will love whatever you provide for her. In 20 years you mum will probably be telling your GC how much better it was when your DD was little. It's just how some people are.

I always tell my kids that you have to live life looking forward, no one does well constantly looking back - you bump into things for a start off.

Your mum sounds like a negative- nancy glass-half-empty fun-sponge.

I tend to agree with her about many things but going on about it doesn’t help anyone! We have to make the best of what we have and be cheerful about it, she’s nit helping you by dragging you down and pointing out the shortcomings of modern life.

Every time she does it, don’t argue, just sigh and comment “negativity again”
She’ll say “ I’m not being negative, it’s the truth…” but just don’t engage with that, just shrug. Keep pointing it out with that simple statement every time. She’ll soon realise how much she does it and that regardless of whether she’s ‘right’, it grinds you down.

I'm nearly 70 and for me it was the Saturday morning ABC club at the local cinema. Mainly showing Hopalong Cassidy and Zorro with the occasional 20 year old Flash Gordon thrown in. It was 3d in the stalls, that just over 1p but if you were flush you could go in the balcony for 6d, that's 2.5p, and the naughty boys would be throwing stuff down on the plebs in the stalls.

Looking back I pity the staff, it was a bit of a nightmare.

About the only thing I miss from the 80's is Laura Ashley, when they had stunning dresses and beautiful fabrics.

When someone says elegant I think cold and lacking artistic creativity.

I like that you can think outside the box and have pretty much any wedding you want. I wished I had known that when I got married in the 80's.

There have always been terrible toys and good ones that stand the test of time. That's still true today.

Your mum sounds like she's stuck in an era.

You're being a tad sensitive in that your DD won't have issues from constant comparisons to the golden era, but yanbu to be aggravated at constant doom-plopping all over everything you do, even if it is in the seemingly innocuous form of nostalgia.

Your DM can't be that old and could easily have several decades ahead. It's pretty depressing that she's already stuck in some rose-tinted golden age.

I tend to find remembering the long, long Sunday afternoons of pre-1994 good for perspective. Gosh Sundays were tedious! The garden centre was an exciting trip. Even the tip was light relief! It's a good job that the toys were better (despite choking hazard parts) because there wasn't much else to do.

@BogRollBOGOF she's 64 so not old really. I think she is stuck in an era to be honest. I do see that I'm being too sensitive though

This is just an old person's view of the world! Some old people are like this unfortunately and I think it is most likely linked with them being unhappy.

It may well be linked to unhappiness, although with my own parents I think it was a power thing. They couldn't seem to accept that they weren't the ones in charge of me any more. They constantly had to hark back to an earlier age when they thought they were the supreme arbiters of what was good and what was not good.

If anything OP, let it be a lesson of how not to behave as you age. I certainly try to avoid harping on about things being better in the past, and somehow my judgement being better than younger people too. It's all crap.

64 is not ‘old’. Not by any stretch of the imagination …

Exactly! A couple of months ago I did something minor that my late MIL used to do that annoyed me and my daughter was almost rolling on the floor laughing, then she said/did something similar a few days later.
Every generation thinks they're special or original and they're not, I recall being shocked to the core when my late father made some comment from which I could infer that they, pre WW2, had enjoyed carnal relations!

She's 64. Hardly 'old'.
Lots of things were better in the 70s and 80s. And I'd course some things were worse. But it's normal to look back on your childhood and teenage years with nostalgia. It was a time when most of us felt safe and carefree, and that the adults had everything under control.

I think a lot of older people do this. My own DM would frequently say that food/TV programmes/kids' toys/Christmas was much better 'back in the old days'. My DD's MIL is the same. Drives my DD mad. As several PPs have said,I think they are just looking at things through rose-tinted specs.

Why stop there? Nod safely and talk fondly about the good old days before women’s suffrage and antibiotics.

Well, she’s not wrong. Things were much better in the past. But try not to let her comments get to you because there’s very little we can do about it now.

Your mum ibu. But only because toys/tv weren’t necessarily better in the 1980/1990’s, it was the independence and outdoor play which was so much better than kids have nowadays. Maybe it is just rose tinted glasses, but I really feel that at 50 yo, I had the glory days of being a child and a teen but tv/toys weren’t the reason for that! Local
play parks, knocking on the door asking if your friends can come out your to play, dens in back alleys, picnics on our bikes, out until the street lights came on etc etc made for a really idyllic childhood.
Birthday parties were lurid homemade cakes and party games in your front room and we all had fun without expecting, or needing anymore.

People like your mum irritate the fuck out if me. Things change and progress. She needs to get over it. Just ignore her.

Could you steer her round to talking about something else? What she saw on TV last night, her garden, trips out she’s planned, her neighbours , friends etc… Or just did you see on the news…….. Maybe she’s bored and doesn’t have much to talk about.

Don't you sound the charmer.

Grow up.

@luxxlisbon

of course she will. Her Gran/Nan is saying everything she treasure is rubbish, everything she does isn't as good as it used to be.

@Sneeeeze I'd talk to her again and basically say Mum, you're right about most things being better in the past, I hear you BUT DD can't go back in time, this is how HER childhood is, we can't change it & you are upsetting her comparing everything negatively to the past, so please stop it. If you won't, we'll regrettably have to see less of you because it's upsetting DD. Please just be happy for DD that she's happy.

It sounds to me like your mum is feeling really nostalgic for the days when you and your sister were small and she's not realised this is upsetting you.

I don’t think you’re being soo sensitive, OP. I grew up in the 80s but I’m surprised at the voting and the way people have misinterpreted your posts. My mum is in her 70s and is nothing like this.

As you’ve already tried speaking to her about it, I would just dismiss it every time she says it, so like pp have said, just sigh and say ‘not again’ or ‘the past is the past’ etc. When her comments don’t get the desired response she’ll soon stop making them.

Absolutely. My parents are like this too. They don’t like that I’m in charge and I get to decide what’s good and bad.

I don’t think all older people are like this at all. I’ve met lots of people the OP’s mum’s age and older who enthusiastically embrace modern life. A bit of nostalgia is fine and understandable. This sounds boring, draining and irritating and I certainly don’t think it’s inevitable for us all.

She is right, toy and programmes were better in the 80s

Your mum is being smothering. Every decade has its merits and problems, but l hate hate people who go on about how it was better in their day. I’m 59, l was a young adult in the 80’s. It was ok but not worth getting nostalgic about.

Play her ‘l hate the 80’s cos the 80’s was shit’ by Scottish band The Vaselines who inspired Kurt Cobain

No, the 80s were definitely 1 million percent better. The 90s were not bad either. The 21st century is utterly shit, an absolute celebration of mediocrity. Tech over talent.