To feel upset by my mum going on about how much better things were in the past

[Sneeeeze]

I'm 27 and have a daughter who's just turned 5. My mum is nearby us so we spend a lot of time with her. I also have a sister who is 42. Whenever my mum is with us and whenever me or my daughter tell her about something she's always going on about how the things were better either when my sister was that age or when she was that age. For example I paid for a local lady with a cake business to make a simple birthday cake for my daughter (was a chocolate sponge with white icing and a little dog ecoration on top). My mum went on about how cakes were more simple and elegant back when my sister was young. She goes on about how much better kids tv was in the 80s. My daughter goes to swimming classes and my mum goes on about how swimming classes aren't today what they were when she was a child and they were so much more fun back then. She also says toys are awful compared to what they were in the 80s. I found on eBay a toy that I used to have around the early 2000s that I thought my daughter would like and when my mum saw her with it she recognized it and said, see toys are terrible nowadays as you're buying ones from when you were young. I might be being too sensitive but it really upsets me because I feel like when I try and make things nice for my daughter its just like it's not good enough. She says these things in front of her too so whilst she might be too young to realise now as she gets older she might think things aren't good nowadays and feel that she's missed out. When I talk to my mum about this she just says she just thinks it's sad that things aren't as good as they used to be. I was just wondering if people think I'm being unreasonable in being upset and also if anyone else has had this with their parents?

Your daughter will only be "unsettled" if she sees that you are unsettled.

You are putting far too much weight on your mum's whinging.
You've told her you don't like it, she hasn't changed her tune, so you can't change her obsession, but you can change your response to it.

Start taking the piss. "Here we go, Throwback '80's Grandma is back!"
"Yeah yeah yeah everything was better in the '80's, let's bring back the Poll tax & war with Argentina"
"Grandma's got a bee in her bonnet, but it makes her happy to pretend everything was great 40 years ago so we'll just play along shall we?"

Your mum clearly hasn't spent enough time with an unwell toddler / feeling unwell herself, so had the opportunity to thank her lucky stars for CBeebies.

I'd be tempted to make a set of flash cards featuring her most well-worn phrases. Then, as she starts on one of these rambles, you can hold them up - and play 'overused phrase bingo'.

She’s probably right but the fact she’s making you feel shit means she needs to stop being so negative. We could all talk about the ‘old days' fondly no matter what age we are. That’s nostalgia. Try and find a way to let your mum know that her constant commentary about the past is upsetting to you and see if she’ll change her ways.

O God, my parents were like this, OP. Drove me bloody nuts. I found it short sighted and smug. The truth is probably somewhere in the middle, as usual. Some things were better then and some things are better now. It's a completely narrow view and now I'm nearly 70 I see why people do it, but it doesn't make it right to keep harping on about the past.

In the end, I told my parents to stop going on about the past= good, present = bad. It doesn't mean that they never got to reminisce, but generally they needed to put a sock in it (now, that is an expression from the past!)

Its really easy to fall into the trap of making comparisons. Having grandchildren brings back when you were at that life stage and it's hard not to comment on the differences, especially if your view of that time was particularly positive. I doubt very much she means to be hurtful, she is maybe just reminiscing on a time she enjoyed. Alternatively there may be a bit of protesting too much going on. My experience of the 80s was that they were far inferior to now and I think the things available to children today are far better, so maybe she's trying to convince herself.
If you can I'd just agree with her that yes, those toys were great and yes, sisters cake was lovely.

And yes, your dd will see her as a 'dotty old lady'. Just as you would have done, had your grandmother behaved like this. Is your mum ready to be seen that way? If not she'll need to change her approach.

She sound a lot like my mum, I just move the conversation on. My mum is lovely but constantly negative. Everything new is bad; everything different (to how she does it) is bad; all drivers are terrible; new music is terrible; the new clouds that have formed in the sky aren't as good as the ones from when she was little!

I try very hard to tune it out but it is very draining.

Just ignore it OP. In fairness 80s kids shows were better… compared to the boring nonsense that is paw patrol or in the night garden. The kids love these but I have no desire to watch them with them 😂😂

80s cartoons are far superior. YABU (only joking I would find this annoying too even though I kind of agree with your mum!)

It's a sociological fact that most people look upon the past as "the better days". I definitely do it now, and I even heard dd19 saying recently that TV shows were so much better when she was young. It happens to us all OP, just give yourself 20 years.

Meant to add, nostalgia is a protective factor against boredom and loneliness. As annoying as it is, think as to why your DM might be behaving this way.

Your mum sounds annoying but I do think you're being a bit too sensitive about it. Did something happen to you that makes you not want to reminisce about the past? However, I get where you're coming from. I'm sensitive to anything I perceive as a criticism and if my mum shit all over my choice of birthday cake I'd have a knee-jerk reaction and tell her to fuck off.

TV and films these days are shit.

Actually that was one of the good things. Children watched a lot less TV them and played outside more. They weighed less as a result. And developed some independence and had more fun.

I know what you mean. My mum and Nan used to always do this and it did make me feel like I’d missed out on times when the family were happiest. Now I’m older it just makes me sad for them that both or their lives became rather small as they got older and they were reduced to nostalgia of their glory days views through rose tinted glasses.

For goodness sake of course it wont, people have lived for thousands of years hearing their elders moan that life was better years ago

If you dont like/are bored of your mum moaning all the time thats one thing but dont try to make out its some sort of traumatic experience for your daughter

But surely you know this just isn't true? Things were different, but not better. Toys were different, TV was different. So what you have to do is separate out what is your mum's nonsense from your feelings about it. Your mum is a bit of a reactive old bore, but it doesn't mean any of it is true. You know this really. You just have to train yourself to react differently to your mum saying this. You will never convince her otherwise, and it doesn't matter at all. You are doing the best for your child, and that is all that counts.

"Mum, I know that a lot of things are shitter these days but can you stop going on about it because my dd lives in 2022 and I'm doing the best I can for her, thanks"

Of course things were better, because she was younger and had more energy and enthusiasm.
on the other hand, she could be banging on about how lucky you and your daughter are, compared to all the hard times she endured.

I think that some people on the thread are missing quite how pointed and specific her mum is being - some rambling on about the good old days is one (tedious, but normal) thing but to look at a cake that her daughter had chosen and bought and said how much better cakes used to be than that is surely very rude in anyone's book? It reminds me of a guest I once had to dinner who explained in detail why the version she made of the same dish was much better - she wasn't invited back!

Ask her if Grannies were better in the old days too....

I'd just keep it noncommittal. 'Yeah, some things were better, some were worse. Swings and roundabouts I suppose.'

I feel this is a bit sad actually. It kind of suggests to me that you are living modern life wrong. I think one of the great things about life today is that you can conform less than you had to. And if you want a nicer, simpler, more elegant life, then the only thing stopping you from having it, is the choices that you make.

I'm probably the same age as your mum , or thereabouts. I don't remember it all being all that great, as a child we had the three day week , there was a sugar shortage and planned last cuts, foreign holidays were only for the very well off. Then we had Thatcher and greed is good . We could buy our houses but interest rates were around 15% so that was a hefty amount of our income, a bit like rent is now. The good stuff though was different from today, I wonder if you're mum is overwhelmed by all the technology we need to use these days.

Geez 80s TV shows were good, sure, but hopefully less celebrities today will turn out to be sex abusers! I'm thinking Adam Ant / Jimmy Saville / Rolf Harris. Also im pretty aure theres a lot less casual racism thrown in too. Maybe mention that to her next time she bores on about how everything was better then.

If you want to counter this you could point out things like how safety standards have improved in children’s clothes and toys, how much more awareness and kindness and inclusion there is for children with disabilities. Some of the legal
protections that you can take for granted now. What was maternity leave like for instance?

I love watching old tv shows with the dc but it always involves discussions on the casual sexism, racism and substance abuse that was just shown as normal.

Do you remember the safety announcements that scared kids senseless? Or how lax the general attitude was around what kids watched?

I’m very nostalgic for parts of my childhood but it’s swings and round abouts.