To ask if you'd be friends with me?

[3LeggedFlamingo]

Going out on a limb and putting myself up for a slating here, but in the effort to better understand people and how they react to me I've decided to ask here...

I have recently been diagnosed with ADHD. All my life I have struggled with not fitting in, feeling out of place in the world and battling depression due to underachieving in life. On the surface to other people I think I seemed to have my shit together, and I could cope alright except for keeping on top of my post, bills, emails, and things at work. Not things my friends would see though. Although I was always a hit socially awkward for fear of saying the wrong thing and looking stupid.

After I had my second child I think my brain just kind of fried itself. My ADHD symptoms got worse and I couldn't cope anymore. I had made a few parent friends from my first child's class, and a few of us were quite close. But I can tell for the past couple of years (seemed to align with the arrival of my second child and my ADHD symptoms worsening) that a couple of my closest friends are distancing themselves from me without any real understanding as to why from myself. I do understand that I can appear quite scatty and flakey and at times it might look like I don't care or I'm not listening, so....

AIBU by wondering if the below would a) put you off being friends with me and / or b) if I took the plunge and told you that I did hade ADHD would you be a little more understanding and accepting of why I am the way I am. Or have I already burnt those bridges?

Some of my ADHD traits / symptoms:

Forgetting to read / reply to texts for days / weeks. But when I finally do I always apologise for taking so long.

Forgetting names, faces, details of conversations. After 6 years, I still don't know the names of some of the children in my child's class or their parents even though I see them everyday. This can make conversations with friends difficult because I have to pretend I know who they're talking about

Constantly seeming a bit disorganised & forgetful

Being late more often than not

Forgetting birthdays / important dates like when they're off on holiday and where

I can't do small talk. I have no idea how to do this. Most friendships are superficial because I don't know how to take the friendship to the next level by talking about spouses, family details, life, etc. I just tend to talk about the same stuff like the weather, what are they did or are doing on the weekend. Inevitably I'll forget and ask the same thing the next time I see them.

Slow to talk / think during a conversation because I'm thinking about 1000 different things at the same time and over analysing what I'm saying. I can seem bored, tired and uninterested

My house is always a mess so I don't invite people over. It also never occurs to me to invite other children over for play dates.

Would this piss you off? Would you be a bit more understanding if you knew I had ADHD and couldn't really help by doing the above stuff?

I can't really change my brain and who I am. But I'd like to try and understand what annoys people and if there's something (anything I can do) to help make myself a little more relatable and better friends with my "friends" (all fairly superficial).

In summary.

Some of your behaviours would fit into the bad friend.
By saying you had ADHD, I'd be wary you're making excuses.

But I can understand it's hard for a person without ADHD to understand

There are peoppe WITH adhd here saying reminder system helped mitigate the issue. Including myself. Because they can help mitigate to an extent.

To be honest I wouldn’t be more than an acquaintance with you as I just don’t have time or willing to put much effort into new flaky friends. Doesn’t matter if you told me you had ADHD, I would sympathise but it wouldn’t change anything.

I think part of my problem is a lack of understanding of how NT people work

also this sentence annoys me. There’s not one ‘NT’ brain which means people work the same. There’s a huge diversity and everyone is different. There’s also many different labels and not everyone fits neatly into one box or the other.

Do you take medication? (Haven’t read full thread so this might already have been covered , also have ADHD so skipped quickly through 😬 Couldn’t see if mentioned though)

Pretty much everything you've listed would drive me crazy and no, I wouldn't want a friend who behaved like that - it comes across as lazy and self-centred. Should probably say that I have struggled with a lot of this stuff too - not sure if it is a result of a chaotic upbringing where these life skills/behaviours weren't ingrained, or if I am neurodiverse in some way. I've accepted that I have to work harder at this stuff and have come up with various strategies and techniques - things like noting down the names of people's children under their contact in my phone, putting important dates they mention in my calendar with a reminder to text them on the day, having clocks ALL OVER my house so I can always see what time it is - even if I'm in the loo/shower - to help me be punctual, being ruthless with stuff/clutter (other than the many clocks!) so I can keep the house tidy, using reminders for everything. It can be done, it just takes effort.

I'd be friend with you, but if you forgot to text me back you would have to give me allowances on my anxiety when I inevitably ring you asking if I've done anything to upset you 🤣

I also have ADHD, what helped me was getting an Alexa. I tell her to remind me of events in friends lives etc so I text them in the morning when she tells me to. It's helped with ne being late all the time too as I set alarms for half an hour before I need to leave.

I forget loads of detail from conversations I have, I just pretend along for a bit until I catch up again. I talk to one friend nearly every evening, she is always reminding me of stuff. Luckily she knows what I'm like and just laughs.

As someone with ADHD who can be a full on flake, I find my best friendships end up being with other women with ADHD as there is a better level of understanding of problems. (I can't remember names either and offensive things sometimes pop out of my mouth and then horrified at that.)

I recognise a lot myself in you op! Tbh I'd probably like a friend like that if they didn't get offended when I did the same.

Do you mind me asking what the steps were for your diagnosis? Did you go private or NHS? I'm at the point of feeling like I need a formal diagnosis, fairy certain asd/adhd

People pick friends who give them what they need from the relationship.
The behaviours you have described would not meet a lot of people's needs.
Yes, you may get some, who if they knew you were ND may be more tolerant, but you would still need to be giving enough of what they wanted to make the relationship an enjoyable experience for them, otherwise it wouldn't be a friendship, it would be just them bring kind.
I think there are two approaches. Firstly, having identified a list of behaviour that people may not like, you could put in place strategies to minimise them. Like setting reminders to respond to messages or arriving deliberately early.
Alternatively you can widen your net and seek out friendships where the things that bind you transcend the need to comply with these social requirements, such as special interest groups or volunteering for a shared cause.

@Maybebabyno2 Alexa is such a game changer!
Love it. Especially handy when cooking as a timer.
And reminder for stuff like cancelling free trials on time😂

Honestly she is! I was so reluctant to get one and now we have one in every room and I miss her when we are away 🤣

What I've learned as a person with adhd who wants to make and sustain friendships, is that I have to prioritise it if I want it to happen. My brain only deals with emergencies well, everything else gets relegated to a do never list. I have to prioritise making and sustaining friendships or it won't happen. I have to work hard at it, to reply to messages (by doing it asap) to get to social events on time (by planning ahead and aiming to be early to give me time to be late), by setting any number of reminders and notifications and alarms, by because it's a priority it's in the forefront of my mind, if I have to put that priority down for a minute to prioritise something else more pressing, I make sure to pick it straight back up at the earliest opportunity. It's all or nothing, either all of me wants to do it or none of me does, that's what adhd does to me, I'm either all in or all out. I'm either concentrating entirely on the person I'm with, or not at all. I can't fake it, I'm straightforward in that way. I either want nothing more than to spend time with someone, or I would do anything not to be there. And people know that. It's not for them to be educated on, it's for me to know myself well enough to be there for other people in the ways I can, and try and fill the gaps. I don't think I would want to be friends with somebody who expected me to do all the work, or who wasn't present with me. I have neurodivergent friends who, because they are honest and self aware enough, will tell me they are rubbish at responding to messages, or whatever, but when I see them they are present. When they message me it might be two pages of information dumping in their latest special interest, but I love their excitement and feel privileged that they share their authentic self with me. I think the big thing for me was realising that friendship is something you give, not something you take. I give them my love, my time, my attention, and they give me what they want in return. I don't have people in my life who offer nothing, but only take from me, because that's draining and isn't friendship, it's an exchange of one person giving to another, and that other person giving back, no taking, an exchange of giving. If I have nothing to give, I can't hope to receive. What do you have to offer somebody else? Maybe start there, and also by working out if this is actually a priority for you or not, and acting accordingly

The shopping lists are such a great help. From shouting at her to add tuna to the shopping list, to then having it nicely in my app with me in the shop. Just awesome.
Wouldn't be without her now.

The thing that strikes me is that you are aware of these issues and yet you haven't employed any strategies to overcome them. For me, this would be the problem.

I agree with this. If you know you don’t invite other children round for play dates and don’t reply to texts for days/weeks-those are huge stumbling blocks to friendships for you and your child, that em you can actually fix. When you get a text, set a timer to reply within 4 hours etc

I love this. I would definitely be friends with you!

I said it upthread but honestly it can't be said enough, OP. For many people I think friendships are something which evolve, often over time, and it's impossible to state from someone writing a post whether I would be friends with them. Some of my friends, if they wrote a description of themselves on paper, would seem the most unlikely people I'd click with! Because really it's all about a connection rather than a list of features.

Would I say hi and be friendly towards you if I saw you at the school gate? Of course.
Would I become your friend? Honestly I've no idea, and imo it diminishes what a friendship really is to just breezily say yes.

I would suggest that you take the practical advice offered: mute or get off those 'gazillion' school and work whatsapp groups. Use the really helpful technology available now to organise and list names and dates- goodness knows it's a hell of a lot of easier than in the past when you'd have to write everything down in a notebook or set an alarm daily.

Then try to 'let go' a bit and not over analyse every situation. I know that's not easy but essentially about believing we're all navigating social interactions and we all have worries, challenges and in some cases a diagnosis. Most people just want to be around people they feel comfortable with who clearly care about them and don't let them down. That's what matters.

Echoing @freyamay74 here - it's impossible to say based on your description, because friendship is about chemistry and sense of humour more than anything else. That said, none of the things you've written would be a problem for me - I have a hard time dealing with 'perfect' people and find them intimidating. I am pretty laid-back and don't really mind lateness, not replying to texts, etc. If something is important to me, I'll remind them! I figure everyone is just doing the best they can, and try not to take anything personally.

Of course! But they are not the solution, because for the majority of people with ADHD- it doesn't work, for the reasons I explained, using myself as an example!

No, I wouldn’t be your friend. You’re using your ADHD as an excuse for being a terrible friend.

These behaviours are not acceptable and you can find ways around them, you just don’t want to. You want everyone else to put up with it because “I have ADHD so deal with it”.

No.

I'm looking to see if I have ADHD /autism. I've thought for years I fit adhd criteria but friends think more autisitic. I thought I scored low on Autism surveys but it turned out I was answering them wrong!

I however obsessively read and answer every whatsapp/text/email.

I am constantly exhausted as J work very hard tk be on time places, look normal for work etc and it is exhausting. I often wonder how others just do it AND keep house etc.

I am however face blind/prosopagmosia so friends know I am clueless with faces and hence with names. At work I tell groups I won't recognise them out of context and it so helps that I know that now!

The only things I'd find difficult in that is the conversation. All the other things are within the range of things I cut myself and friends a lot of slack for.

Do you make reciprocal conversation? Pick up on the threads of what people are saying and ask interested questions that keep the conversation going? Contribute an equal amount about your own life and experiences while leaving plenty of space for others?

If I was speaking to someone who seemed bored, tired or uninterested and I was failing to engage them, that would raise my own anxiety levels to want to be out of the conversation. It sounds like hard work. Conversations are an energy exchange and if it's not flowing then it's going to exhaust the other person.

In all Honestly no I wouldn't start a new friendship with someone like you described, it sounds like hard work.

If you struggle with executive dysfunction then writing lists can be helpful - or you forget that you have a list, where you put it, that you'd already started 2 other lists...
To be honest, you sound like many of my friends and my colleagues. I'm beyond really noticing if I'm trying to explain something to a colleague and their brain pings off somewhere else. I just bring them back and carry on. But we're all the same so it's accepted and expected! You'd fit right in with us. Not sure I have any Neuro typical friends!