To ask if you'd be friends with me?

[3LeggedFlamingo]

Going out on a limb and putting myself up for a slating here, but in the effort to better understand people and how they react to me I've decided to ask here...

I have recently been diagnosed with ADHD. All my life I have struggled with not fitting in, feeling out of place in the world and battling depression due to underachieving in life. On the surface to other people I think I seemed to have my shit together, and I could cope alright except for keeping on top of my post, bills, emails, and things at work. Not things my friends would see though. Although I was always a hit socially awkward for fear of saying the wrong thing and looking stupid.

After I had my second child I think my brain just kind of fried itself. My ADHD symptoms got worse and I couldn't cope anymore. I had made a few parent friends from my first child's class, and a few of us were quite close. But I can tell for the past couple of years (seemed to align with the arrival of my second child and my ADHD symptoms worsening) that a couple of my closest friends are distancing themselves from me without any real understanding as to why from myself. I do understand that I can appear quite scatty and flakey and at times it might look like I don't care or I'm not listening, so....

AIBU by wondering if the below would a) put you off being friends with me and / or b) if I took the plunge and told you that I did hade ADHD would you be a little more understanding and accepting of why I am the way I am. Or have I already burnt those bridges?

Some of my ADHD traits / symptoms:

Forgetting to read / reply to texts for days / weeks. But when I finally do I always apologise for taking so long.

Forgetting names, faces, details of conversations. After 6 years, I still don't know the names of some of the children in my child's class or their parents even though I see them everyday. This can make conversations with friends difficult because I have to pretend I know who they're talking about

Constantly seeming a bit disorganised & forgetful

Being late more often than not

Forgetting birthdays / important dates like when they're off on holiday and where

I can't do small talk. I have no idea how to do this. Most friendships are superficial because I don't know how to take the friendship to the next level by talking about spouses, family details, life, etc. I just tend to talk about the same stuff like the weather, what are they did or are doing on the weekend. Inevitably I'll forget and ask the same thing the next time I see them.

Slow to talk / think during a conversation because I'm thinking about 1000 different things at the same time and over analysing what I'm saying. I can seem bored, tired and uninterested

My house is always a mess so I don't invite people over. It also never occurs to me to invite other children over for play dates.

Would this piss you off? Would you be a bit more understanding if you knew I had ADHD and couldn't really help by doing the above stuff?

I can't really change my brain and who I am. But I'd like to try and understand what annoys people and if there's something (anything I can do) to help make myself a little more relatable and better friends with my "friends" (all fairly superficial).

You sound like my friend's dd who has ADHD with traits of autism. The ADHD is her main area of difficulty but she also struggles with social interaction & communication. That sounds like you as well from reading your description above.

You can train yourself to improve your organisation and executive function skills. Identify 3 key areas for improvement & work out strategies to help you. For eg: notifications on phone daily to check emails & texts, write appointments on wall & phone calendar.

If I can't remember names of kids I ask 'how is your little one doing' if I can't remember sex of child or 'how is your dd / ds doing?

Most of these things I could cope with if I knew the reason why, rather than thinking you didn’t return messages etc because you didn’t care about me.

The one issue that would bother me is not getting past asking about the weather etc. Its not really much of a friendship if you don’t talk about important personal things. I’d rather you asked awkward over personal questions than not at all. It wouldn’t stop me socialising with you though, inviting you to parties and drinks. That’s the difference between real friends and social acquaintances to me, you go beyond superficial chit chat. When they ask ‘how are you?’ You’re honest.

You do drink wine don’t you? If not, we probably wouldn’t be friends. 😂

I would be your friend as long as you explained to me about your situation.💐💐

Lol, we're quite similar in a lot of the things you've posted here, I'm not sure we would be close.
I think I'd want to be close to you, but tbh if people take days/ weeks to reply, it gives the impression you don't really want to talk that much.
I'd assume not being invited over, and not remembering details probably makes you seem a bit meh about friendships too.

I don't have guests in my home, I'm upfront about it being a dog who has a tendency to be aggressive, but I take my friends for coffee, I think my saving grace is im unashamedly open about who I am and my quirks.

I'm forever late, so I say to my friends, tell me an earlier time if I need to be there on time, with the best will in the world, im gonna be late! I'm sorry! It annoys the shit out of me but I try to fit too much into my day... I try to be engaged and positive to be around, so generally people don't tend to mind and I make friends quite easily but it's more recent I think, and fuck me, I swear everyone I've met in the past 6 months is neurodivurgent to some degree.

Hey OP, I could have written this list - I've said almost identical things myself when describing how I am! It's almost spooky how similar the things are!

I have ADHD but I'm also autistic, and I do think it's worth revisiting the potential for autism too. The reason is that I find not only are lots of autism tests set up for the classic male presentation, but also the ADHD can disguise some autistic traits.

For example, I hate being late - but I'm apparently incapable of being on time. Autism vs ADHD tugging at each other. I love routine, and I love the predictability of knowing exactly what is going to happen and when it's going to happen - but yet, I can't stick to a routine if you paid me a million pounds, and I often spontaneously decide to do something a bit crazy on the spur of the moment. Again, two very different traits - autism and ADHD - clashing with each other.

People always try to make suggestions like "oh just use a diary or keep a list". It doesn't work. If it were that simple, none of us with ADHD would have so many issues. We're not idiots. We know about lists and reminders - it's just that they don't work for most of us. It's to do with focus, dopamine and attention. I do use reminders - sometimes they work but usually they don't. Strategies that work for the neurotypical brain don't work for most of us. It can be quite frustrating when people say "oh just use reminders" - as if we haven't already thought of this!!

Anyway, back to the point.

I'd be your friend OP. I have friends. They understand me and know that I'm shit at certain things but not because I don't care. They also know if they ever needed anything at all, I would move heaven and earth to help them. I always apologise for failing to reply promptly. I can either reply immediately, or it takes fucking ages. There's no in between. And it's not because I don't try or don't care.

You need the right kind of friends OP. I have friends who will reach out even though they know I'm shit. And they don't ever give up on me. And god, I am just so fucking grateful for them. And I regularly tell them this.

Lots of the things you've listed wouldn't bother me. However taking weeks to reply to texts, always being late and appearing uninterested would and I don't think the friendship would last.

I volunteer with someone who sounds like you and in all honesty it is very hard; most of the team refuse to work with her as she is so difficult. I know it sounds unkind but the inability to make small talk can make friendships and relationships really hard work. This person cannot even say 'good morning' or 'how are you?'. Out of kindness (which sounds patronising I know) I have taken her to a couple of social functions but when we meet other people there she just talks 'at' them and doesn't seem to understand about listening to others and the unspoken 'rules' about social interaction. Sadly she doesn't seem to have any friends and even her family don't spend much time with her.

A lot of the things you listed would put me off being friends with you, because I'd assume you weren't interested. But you've only listed your negatives, what is it that makes you a good friend?

There is a supplement I have seen online called cognitively. Something like that might help?

Posting in solidarity here...

Sorry but i wouldn't. I'd find the lateness and not replying to things rude. Texts especially because its such a short, immediate thing. I had a friend with ADHD at uni and i realised she made a big effort to reply to the things she cared about most (managed to make it on nights out with particular people etc) and that her failure to reply to me was essentially a sign of where i sat in her list of priorities.

The forgetting faces & names wouldn't bother me, neither would the messy house or not planning playdates or lack of small talk.

This

I'd be friends with you OP because my 2 adult sons have ADHD and I would have recognised the symptoms. It took my eldest son ages to get a girlfriend even though he is nice looking because he never knew what to say. I have taught him to ask 2 questions to a friend/girlfriend when he sees them about them to show he is interested in them. It seems to work.

If you told me then I would try to be supportive and make allowances. I’ve had acquaintances who are similar to you before - appearing uninterested and taking ages to reply to texts sets of my social anxiety and I worry they really don’t want to be friends, so I stop putting myself out there for them as I end up worrying they’re trying to ghost me and I’m not taking the hint.

Yup. This is absolutely how I survive.
Reminders on a phone for day before and the actual date.
Reminders for EVERYTHING. All the time. Phone, alexa, paper.
I don't have tolerance for regular lateness as well. Reminders, reminders, reminders and watch ser 5 min early.
So yes, I would be annoyed and probably nlt looking for much contact.

funnily i talk well fast because there are thousand things in my head at once and i need to tell them all😂

I don't think I'd get beyond friendly acquaintance with you, sorry

Not replying to messages, forgetting my name, arriving late = I'd assume I'm not important to you

Superficial chat only = I'd assume you're not interested to get to know me

Seeming bored, tired and uninterested during conversation = I'd assume you're not interested in me

Never inviting me over = I might be OK with that if I knew you were embarrassed about the state of your house. More likely, I'd feel a bit used if you came to me often, but don't reciprocate

Not inviting children for play dates = personally, I wouldn't mind that, as I prefer to host. But a lot of people would feel used

On a more positive note, you seem aware of the issues, so I hope feedback will motivate you to work on them and develop strategies that help you

This struck a chord with me. I had a friend like you a few years ago. It fizzled out because she was always late, never seemed to be able to pay, was delighted to receive birthday presents but never, ever remembered my birthday. I am at the opposite end of things with a more OCD approach to life. I found it exhausting to compensate for her and to justify her behaviour each time. I did start to take it very personally. I moved away with my children and that made spontaneous things impossible so it faded away.

Oh that mental block when you know you need to reply to a message. You know it's there, is it too late to reply? Are they going to be pissed off with me? Shit, shit, shit, pressure, anxiety, I'm really shit at life, why can't I just reply? Mental implode.

Now I'm medicated, it's much better! I have asd/adhd and yes, I'd be your friend because I understand how hard it is.

I couldn’t deal with the lateness, other stuff would be maybe irritating but ok but can’t abide lateness so it would just make it a non starter.

You sound quite passive - like it feels like there is nothing you can do about this. But there are things that people can do to help manage life when they have ADHD or ASD (the online tests are not always very reliable so dont rule that out). Medications and CBT are the two best known but social skills training may also help (lots of ASD organizations do this). Sharing your diagnosis can help but it is very hard to keep up a relationship with someone who does not seem interested in you, and when people are very busy the effort may seem too much to see worth it.

Op I can see some people who don’t understand ADHD have suggested some things to do but I know from having ADHD myself it’s not as easy as they think! Just make one change at a time. My top suggestion is get a very large white board for your kitchen and write the things you need to do on it as get come up in your head. This could include remembering to put friends birthdays in your phone calendar. If find with adhd we need to have a one step process that’s really basic. Having the whiteboard so large means you will see things to do as you walk past it several times a day.

Doesn’t work for most people with adhd.

Solving executive dysfunction isn’t as simple as writing a list of setting a reminder. Without being rude, that suggestion just demonstrates a complete lack of understanding.

If it were that easy, we’d all be sorted.

This. You seem to have great insight to the issues you have but haven't done basic things to try help yourself. Tbh I wouldn't be friends with you, alot of the things you describe are important to me to have a compatible friendship.

I have adhd and reminders in phone are live saver so no. The pp wasn't wrong

I think it works really well for a lot of ND people, me and my son included - but maybe it is more successful for those with ASD rather than ADHD, I don't know. Reminders written on hands, writing out what needs to be said on the phone, writing lists of what needs to be done, for me it is literally essential for work and friendships - but as I said may be more use for executive function issues with ASD rather than ADHD.

OP you say you want to take your friendships to a deeper level as you only talk about the weather and the weekend - don't you think this could be a good way to do it? It also enables your friends to understand your behaviour better (hopefully) as you can explain the challenges you face because of it. I'd say go for it.