To ask my ex not to make a mess at my house!

[UndertheCedartree]

I'm in such a stress and don't know what to do for the best! I'm posted about this before but my DC's dad lives with his mum. His mum won't allow the DC to come over so he comes to mine twice a week plus on a Saturday. On the Saturday he often takes them out but less so when the weather gets colder.

When he is at mine he always leaves a mess. Food packets, drinks bottles, a mug left out, the throws hanging off the sofa and cushions on the floor.

We usually get on fine, but I've been unhappy about not getting much of a break unless I go out when he is here. My psych nurse has told me to set more boundaries. So today I spoke to him about the mess he leaves and asked him not to as I find it disrespectful. He started saying I was making a fuss about nothing. So I said well in that case you can't come in my house. He stormed off and said he wouldn't be seeing the DC til I let him round again!

Part of me thinks fuck him if he's not that bothered about seeing the DC. But part of me knows that without his help with the DC my mental health will be affected so it feels like setting boundaries has back fired 😩

Nah, you’ve done the right thing.

How DARE he make a mess in your home?

His mum probably refuses because of similar reasons.

Do you have ANY other support around (friends, family, etc)? What about him seeing the children at a contact centre, rather than having him continually come to your house? Well done to having the courage to stand up tohim and set a boundary - don't be frightened into taking it down again.

And WTF is the score with his mum not letting her grandkids go to her house?

I don't have much support. I do have a friend who can sometimes pick my DD up for me if I'm stuck but that's it.

I'll have a look into the contact centre. But does it have to be arranged through Children's Services?

Honestly, it baffles me that she never wants to see them! We've never been close but we would go over there occasionally when ex and I were together. It's just been one excuse after the other. At the moment they can't go over due to a leak in the bathroom. That has been the case for about a year. She has hated me since ex and I split (no idea why) and sometimes I think she does it to make life harder for me.

Its totally unreasonable that he expects to use your home. He either finds suitable accommodation or takes them out somewhere like every other man.

So he's threatening you with not seeing his own children if he doesn't get his own way? Looks like the apple hasn't fallen far from the tree does it?
What a disgrace! I would tell him fine, that's entirely up to him. Better off without him around. I think you were more than accommodating, even if he had behaved like a Saint at your home.
He's taking the piss, big time.

Do not allow him in your home, what a rude disgusting human he is.

She probably doesn’t want him to have them there because he makes so much mess. You need to stand your ground. He can have them at a contact centre if he has nowhere suitable. Or take them out somewhere indoors in the winter - out for a meal that he pays for maybe?

Thank you for all the advice. I am going to look into a contact centre.

He doesn't want to see the kids he wants to see you.

He stormed off and said he wouldn't be seeing the DC til I let him round again! he's bang out of order. He doesn't need to set foot In your house

Surely it's up to him to find a suitable location.

Has she said to your the kids can't go there or is that what he's told you? Sounds like he just wants to stop you getting any time to yourself. He's probably told her you'll only let him see then at your house.

Sorry OP, I've not been through this sort of situation myself, but why would you have to sort out a contact centre? Surely it's up to him to do this if he wants to see his children, and if he doesn't, then let them see that that's the sort of man he is, so that they don't waste time, effort and love on a man who clearly doesn't deserve them.

This was the final straw with my ex after a trial seperation - he left empty wrappers on the floor and sides and i just knew I could never be around him again. Can you ever, ever imagine doing that in someone else's house, where you are a guest.

He clearly thinks the house is his territory and you are still his slave. Absolutely put that boundary up - if he doesn't organise any alternatives like taking them for food or bowling or a walk etc. then that shows who he is and dc are better off not seeing him because he will let them down. Man child - get him out your house and life.

I don't know. We've been separated over 5:years and I have a boyfriend. I don't think he wants to see me. I just think he likes the comfy sofa etc at my house!

I've heard him on to the phone with her. She genuinely won't let my DC over to hers.

She doesn't have to but neither do you. Look out for yourself.

Local cafes often have sofas he can go there

They're 10 and 15 so already love him. It would unsettle them not to see him.

Why? He should do that. You should stop enabling him.

Well, obviously I do have to have them over as they live here!

Agreed. It’s up to him to sort out contact. It’s not your problem to solve.

The thing is he could take them for a drink or even lunch at a cafe but then they'd be back after an hour or so!

Let ex look into contact centres. It is not your job to do it for him.

At 10 and 15, he could easily take the DC to a cafe/restaurant for the weekly visits. Same at the weekend, maybe add in going to a football. match, going swimming or ice skating. Taking DC to any weekend activities. Or a walk in the park. He doesn't need to be at your house.

At ten and fifteen they are old enough to understand boundaries put simply dad keeps making a mess and I've asked him not to he has chosen not to see you unless I allow him to make a mess in my house again ive said no he can take you out but he is not coming here