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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask my ex not to make a mess at my house!

76 replies

UndertheCedartree · 03/11/2022 17:26

I'm in such a stress and don't know what to do for the best! I'm posted about this before but my DC's dad lives with his mum. His mum won't allow the DC to come over so he comes to mine twice a week plus on a Saturday. On the Saturday he often takes them out but less so when the weather gets colder.

When he is at mine he always leaves a mess. Food packets, drinks bottles, a mug left out, the throws hanging off the sofa and cushions on the floor.

We usually get on fine, but I've been unhappy about not getting much of a break unless I go out when he is here. My psych nurse has told me to set more boundaries. So today I spoke to him about the mess he leaves and asked him not to as I find it disrespectful. He started saying I was making a fuss about nothing. So I said well in that case you can't come in my house. He stormed off and said he wouldn't be seeing the DC til I let him round again!

Part of me thinks fuck him if he's not that bothered about seeing the DC. But part of me knows that without his help with the DC my mental health will be affected so it feels like setting boundaries has back fired 😩

OP posts:
pastabakeonaplate · 03/11/2022 19:57

UndertheCedartree · 03/11/2022 19:52

My 15 yo goes out with friends sometimes. We've had a bit of a difficult time as my 10yo had Long Covid but I'm trying to get back into play dates.

Show quote history

Oh you have so much on your plate! Yes I can see why you need a break. You're not actually getting a break though unless he takes them out!

CarefreeMe · 03/11/2022 19:59

If you’re struggling to get your eldest to school please let them know as they can try and help you.

I work in a SEND school and parents have asked us to come to their home and help them get their child in, as they won’t comply with the parents and the parents need that break. Which is completely understandable.
We often try different strategies before going to the house which usually work well.
Please reach out for help if you need it.

Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 03/11/2022 20:02

NoSquirrels · 03/11/2022 19:37

What help does me actually give you with them that ‘gives you a break’ if he’s always at your house?

And why hasn’t he sorted his accommodation after 5 years?

If he's with them I can go to the gym/have a swim or go out with my boyfriend. When he takes them out I can do sorting out the house/relax in my own home etc. He is also very good at stepping in if I need my DD looking after on a different day.

He likes living at his mum's and she's obviously ok with it too. I've said he should find somewhere else if she won't let them have the DC over but realistically the type of place he could afford probably wouldn't be overly nice for the DC to go to anyway.

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Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 03/11/2022 20:04

MeridianB · 03/11/2022 19:37

I think his behaviour is knowingly or subconsciously deliberate - like an up yours to you (and your bf). The invasion of your space and leaving mess every time are his petty little ‘markings’ or victories. Hence his OTT reaction when you mentioned it. I wouldn’t let him back in your house again. I hope he doesn’t have keys.

Let him find a way to spend time with his daughters. It sounds like you’ve really gone out of your way for some time to support him and it’s the right time to move on from this arrangement.

He does have keys. But he wouldn't come in if I say no.

I really do want to move on a least a bit....I just don't see it happening.

OP posts:
Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 03/11/2022 20:06

NoSquirrels · 03/11/2022 19:38

Also, I think the boundaries your therapist is thinking of is more along the lines of the majority of posters here - limit his access and time in your house - than what you asked for - don’t make a mess.

I was trying to make a step towards that. It just feels like it's all backfired. I'll now have to pick my DD up from school everyday which limits my time to do other things.

OP posts:
Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 03/11/2022 20:08

5yearplan · 03/11/2022 19:38

At their ages he can take them out for a few hours. I wouldn’t make them all go to a contact centre. It’s not the best environment for contact if they are grown up and have a good relationship with their dad. I’m not sure you can just book them in anyway. I thought you needed a social services referral.

Yes, I thought that too. I might be able to get that but, yes you're right it's not the best solution.

OP posts:
Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 03/11/2022 20:09

endofthelinefinally · 03/11/2022 19:39

He should not be in your house. The fact that he cannot organise himself to spend quality time with his children is not your problem. Just stop letting him invade your personal space.

But if he doesn't organise anything it's me and the DC who suffer.

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Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 03/11/2022 20:10

SpinningFloppa · 03/11/2022 19:41

I’m guessing she goes out whilst he has them, she said she has a bf so maybe she goes to his house?

Show quote history

Yes, I do that or go to the gym, shopping on my own etc.

OP posts:
reachforthebloodymary · 03/11/2022 20:12

I am not sure what mental health problems you have, but is it possible, that they might improve, without him coming over every week?

You might not think it, but you could be mentally preparing yourself to have to deal with him

Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 03/11/2022 20:13

Leeds2 · 03/11/2022 19:52

Do your DC have pocket money, so that he could take them to a shopping centre type place to spend it, without having to spend any money himself?
At this time of year, I would suggest the local garden centre for Halloween/Bonfire Night/Christmas displays. Lovely to look at, but you don't actually have to spend anything. Could your DC suggest to him that they do something like that? Maybe an hour's contact, then he brings them back home and leaves. Not great for you though, as you don't get extended time to do your own thing.

Yes, they do have pocket money and they would enjoy that, thank you. I suppose that is what I need to do, say that he leaves when he brings them home.

OP posts:
CarefreeMe · 03/11/2022 20:16

I don’t think he should not be allowed in your house as PPs have said as I think this benefits everyone including you and your children.

But you do need to have boundaries and one major one is that he treats your home with respect and tidies up after himself.

If you return home and there is rubbish still out then ask him if he can throw it away before he leaves.

If he is continuing to be disrespectful then tell him that you will not be cleaning up after him and if he doesn’t sort it out then he’ll have to find somewhere else to have the kids.

If he continues to do it then follow through with your threats.

Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 03/11/2022 20:19

CarefreeMe · 03/11/2022 19:55

Do you go to your boyfriends or family when he comes around?

Else it’s not actually a break for you.

I think it’s very nice that you are letting him use your home for your kids sake and it’s refreshing to read about someone putting their children first, rather than getting one over on their ex.
You sound amazing.

But that does not mean you or your home should be disrespected and you need to tell him that if he’s going to continue using your home then he needs to tidy up properly before he leaves.

Yes, sometimes I go to my boyfriend's or to the gym. Even just doing jobs alone is nice! I find if I'm in the house with them I still get 'mum, mum' all the time! I do ask him to take them out on a Saturday as I like having some time alone in the house to do jobs or just relax! I sometimes have my boyfriend over too.

Thank you for the kind words. I really would be happy with him having them here during the week after-school as long as he cleaned up after himself! But I would really like him to take them out on a Saturday so I can do things at home.

OP posts:
Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 03/11/2022 20:40

CarefreeMe · 03/11/2022 19:59

If you’re struggling to get your eldest to school please let them know as they can try and help you.

I work in a SEND school and parents have asked us to come to their home and help them get their child in, as they won’t comply with the parents and the parents need that break. Which is completely understandable.
We often try different strategies before going to the house which usually work well.
Please reach out for help if you need it.

Thank you. He doesn't actually have anywhere at the moment. I have Early Help trying to help me sort it.

OP posts:
colette1970 · 03/11/2022 20:44

Do they enjoy going to the cinema if so he can get a CEA card that makes it free for him to go cinema just pay for the children can apply for each child.

Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 03/11/2022 20:45

reachforthebloodymary · 03/11/2022 20:12

I am not sure what mental health problems you have, but is it possible, that they might improve, without him coming over every week?

You might not think it, but you could be mentally preparing yourself to have to deal with him

Thank you for this. It has struck a chord actually. I'm a bit of a chronic 'looker after-er'. I even have him over for dinner as I worry he doesn't eat enough vegetables!

Maybe this is the push I need to really cut ties. I generally go out or stay upstairs when he is here as it depresses me seeing him sat on my sofa. On the other hand I do appreciate his support - he will do bits for me like fit a new cat flap for example.

OP posts:
Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 03/11/2022 20:46

CarefreeMe · 03/11/2022 20:16

I don’t think he should not be allowed in your house as PPs have said as I think this benefits everyone including you and your children.

But you do need to have boundaries and one major one is that he treats your home with respect and tidies up after himself.

If you return home and there is rubbish still out then ask him if he can throw it away before he leaves.

If he is continuing to be disrespectful then tell him that you will not be cleaning up after him and if he doesn’t sort it out then he’ll have to find somewhere else to have the kids.

If he continues to do it then follow through with your threats.

I do agree with this. And that was what I said. Tidy up after yourself or go elsewhere - and then he stormed out!

OP posts:
QWE96 · 03/11/2022 20:49

LoveMyCats1 · 03/11/2022 18:48

He doesn't want to see the kids he wants to see you.

My first thought also

Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 03/11/2022 20:50

colette1970 · 03/11/2022 20:44

Do they enjoy going to the cinema if so he can get a CEA card that makes it free for him to go cinema just pay for the children can apply for each child.

Thank you for that I had no idea! He would definitely be able to get one of those.

I've just tried to ring him to tell him about it. He's switched his phone off!

OP posts:
Fraaahnces · 03/11/2022 20:53

I’m guessing he isn’t contributing to the food and drinks he is leaving all over the place and he is helping himself to them as well…. He should be responsible for those on his time.

Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 03/11/2022 21:01

Fraaahnces · 03/11/2022 20:53

I’m guessing he isn’t contributing to the food and drinks he is leaving all over the place and he is helping himself to them as well…. He should be responsible for those on his time.

To be fair, he brings food here for himself and sometimes brings something for the DC. He gets them dinner on a Saturday. He even keeps a jar of coffee here for himself! (I don't drink instant coffee).

OP posts:
Longtimelurkerfinallyposts · 03/11/2022 21:58

In terms of boundaries, maybe he should no longer have a set of keys for your home?
Have you ever talked about this problem with either of your DC? Have they noticed him making/ leaving a mess? What do they think about his behaviour? Are they particularly bothered about whether or not he visits so frequently? Have they realised that their grandmother doesn't want them at hers? Have they ever said what kind of places they would like to go with him?

ASimpleLampoon · 04/11/2022 06:35

How independent are your DC? Is there public transport in your area to anything like A cinema ?

No need to have him in your house. Organising something to do should be his responsibility

Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 05/11/2022 22:35

colette1970 · 03/11/2022 21:26

I'll have a look, thank you

OP posts:
Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 05/11/2022 22:47

Longtimelurkerfinallyposts · 03/11/2022 21:58

In terms of boundaries, maybe he should no longer have a set of keys for your home?
Have you ever talked about this problem with either of your DC? Have they noticed him making/ leaving a mess? What do they think about his behaviour? Are they particularly bothered about whether or not he visits so frequently? Have they realised that their grandmother doesn't want them at hers? Have they ever said what kind of places they would like to go with him?

I think they are both so used to him leaving mess they don't really notice. I have to be very hot on reminding them not to leave rubbish about as their dad has modelled this as being normal. I did speak to them about why their dad stormed off and they both thought their dad should tidy up after himself. They both like seeing their dad and particularly the youngest likes dad picking her up from school twice a week and picking her up from gymnastics. Yes they know their grandma doesn't want them over. They're not really bothered as they're not close to her anyway. I'm not sure they've come up with ideas themselves, but I know my DD likes playing mini golf and they both like going to the woods. I'm sure they could come up with some suggestions if asked, though!

OP posts: