To ask my ex not to make a mess at my house!

[UndertheCedartree]

I'm in such a stress and don't know what to do for the best! I'm posted about this before but my DC's dad lives with his mum. His mum won't allow the DC to come over so he comes to mine twice a week plus on a Saturday. On the Saturday he often takes them out but less so when the weather gets colder.

When he is at mine he always leaves a mess. Food packets, drinks bottles, a mug left out, the throws hanging off the sofa and cushions on the floor.

We usually get on fine, but I've been unhappy about not getting much of a break unless I go out when he is here. My psych nurse has told me to set more boundaries. So today I spoke to him about the mess he leaves and asked him not to as I find it disrespectful. He started saying I was making a fuss about nothing. So I said well in that case you can't come in my house. He stormed off and said he wouldn't be seeing the DC til I let him round again!

Part of me thinks fuck him if he's not that bothered about seeing the DC. But part of me knows that without his help with the DC my mental health will be affected so it feels like setting boundaries has back fired 😩

For my DC's sake and my own mental health.

Except it is a problem for me. It stops me being able to do things and it means I don't get a break. This affects my mental health. So if I don't sort this, I'm in trouble!

Sorry!! I meant you don't have to have him round yours!

Your kids are 10 and 15. They should be able to stay home on their own for a few hours.

Or you could invite a friend of the 10 year old over for a sleepover and hope they return the favour.

Do they have friends at school they could see?

Yes this was my thinking

Ha ha - yes, that is true!

They're pretty old, surely the older one can babysit the younger one for a couple of hours here and there? Shame on him, obviously.

It's so tricky, my ex saw dd at my house for a while and we had the same situation. I just put up with it (but it was about once a month not several times a week). I'd have had to say something if it was that often.

Good on you for having a word! He's probably not used to you standing up to him. Id hold yr ground I'd bet he'll come back to see the kids and will sheepishly make more effort. Thank goodness you left him he sounds awful!

Stop enabling him! It's his responsibility to look after his own children. Let him carry out his threat and just shrug. Explain in an age appropriate way to your children.

He is treating you and your house extremely disrespectfully (I bet he doesn't do the same in his mum's house), but even if he didn't, why should you have him in your house?

My ex didn't have anywhere to take his own children for the first few years (his new partner apparently wouldn't let his kids into the house) but I didn't let him in my house - he took them out and moaned every single time about the cost/cold etc. Not my responsibility. Years later they have a good relationship with him and certainly don't remember miserable contact days. They think he's great in fact .

What help does me actually give you with them that ‘gives you a break’ if he’s always at your house?

And why hasn’t he sorted his accommodation after 5 years?

I think his behaviour is knowingly or subconsciously deliberate - like an up yours to you (and your bf). The invasion of your space and leaving mess every time are his petty little ‘markings’ or victories. Hence his OTT reaction when you mentioned it. I wouldn’t let him back in your house again. I hope he doesn’t have keys.

Let him find a way to spend time with his daughters. It sounds like you’ve really gone out of your way for some time to support him and it’s the right time to move on from this arrangement.

Also, I think the boundaries your therapist is thinking of is more along the lines of the majority of posters here - limit his access and time in your house - than what you asked for - don’t make a mess.

At their ages he can take them out for a few hours. I wouldn’t make them all go to a contact centre. It’s not the best environment for contact if they are grown up and have a good relationship with their dad. I’m not sure you can just book them in anyway. I thought you needed a social services referral.

He should not be in your house. The fact that he cannot organise himself to spend quality time with his children is not your problem. Just stop letting him invade your personal space.

I’m guessing she goes out whilst he has them, she said she has a bf so maybe she goes to his house?

It’s beyond rude and disrespectful to make a mess in someone else’s home and YANBU to tell him to tidy up after himself.

I would be telling him that he needs to take them out for at least an hour every time he sees them - it doesn’t have to cost money, they can just go to the park or a walk if it’s not pouring down.

I do feel sorry for him that he has to come to your home to see his kids but there is no excuse to act like such a pig.

He is on a low income and for this reason I've allowed him to see them here during the week on the understanding he takes them out on a Saturday, but he doesn't always take them out for long and as I've said especially when it gets colder. He blames his lack of money. But I've suggested til I'm blue in the face cheaper things he could do - take them to the park, bring sandwiches and drinks with you etc.

Yes, that's true. But it would unsettle them a lot. They have autism so routine changes can be hard. I just hope he comes to his senses sooner rather than later as I need to have a break.

My 15 yo I can but not my 10 yo. We have had a few play dates but not many favours returned, but I will keep doing that.

Do your DC have pocket money, so that he could take them to a shopping centre type place to spend it, without having to spend any money himself?
At this time of year, I would suggest the local garden centre for Halloween/Bonfire Night/Christmas displays. Lovely to look at, but you don't actually have to spend anything. Could your DC suggest to him that they do something like that? Maybe an hour's contact, then he brings them back home and leaves. Not great for you though, as you don't get extended time to do your own thing.

My 15 yo goes out with friends sometimes. We've had a bit of a difficult time as my 10yo had Long Covid but I'm trying to get back into play dates.

Unfortunately, this isn't really possible right now. They both have autism. My eldest isn't even in school right now. I'm very overwhelmed with it all!

Do you go to your boyfriends or family when he comes around?

Else it’s not actually a break for you.

I think it’s very nice that you are letting him use your home for your kids sake and it’s refreshing to read about someone putting their children first, rather than getting one over on their ex.
You sound amazing.

But that does not mean you or your home should be disrespected and you need to tell him that if he’s going to continue using your home then he needs to tidy up properly before he leaves.

Thank you and yes, you're probably right. He is awful in that way but does have some good qualities too.