Feeling guilt at costing my parents £00000k

[Tead]

About 12 years my parents came into some money and were all set to buy a buy to let house until I talked them out of it. The are immigrants and so look to me to explain things - I know that sounds odd.
i thought it would be too much of a hassle for them as they were in their early 60s but I knew nothing of property.
they changed their minds and just left the money in the bank.
the house sold 3 months ago and I am racked with guilt over what I did. They would have made hundreds thousands on their purchase. It’s been 3 months and I keep waking up at night thinking about my stupidity. I haven’t told anyone about this not even my wife. I have felt close to tears many times. I know I cannot make it us to them. This just makes me feel like an even bigger loser. I haven’t spoken to them about this. I feel ashamed of myself just looking at them. They are financially ok but I feel like I’ve failed them

My parents have had tenants over the years, and it has caused them huge amounts of stress and hassle. This has definitely got worse as they have gone through their sixties and seventies. I am sure there are plenty of MNers who can cheerfully manage a property empire into their 80s, but in my parents' case, their capacity to cope with stress and unexpected events definitely diminished.

We bought a holiday house in the mid-1990s, sold in 2000 for a bit more than we paid. Last time I looked it had sold for six times we had sold it for. Worst financial decision we ever made.

If they had to lean on you for advice, how would they have managed being landlords?

It's not the easiest thing to do, especially now and during the pandemic.

It sounds like some potential tenants may have had a lucky escape.

You were being unreasonable then for giving out advice on something you knew nothing about. But there's zero point in giving it a second thought now, unless you gave them some terrible advice that meant they lost all that money then you need to move on and forget it. Your parents are adults, they could have sought their own investment advice at any point in the past 12 years.

Lol, we've all been there!
DH turned down the offer of buying his rented house in putney for £30k in 1986. It sold recently for 1.8million.

Maybe, but it was their decision to make. They could have done their own research and made their own investment decisions.

No OP you Should not have “kept your beak out”

you should have urged them to see a financial advisor so the money didn’t fester in a bank account for 10 years

I don't think you should be feeling so guilty about what is just a missed opportunity. Everyone has regrets in life, not all of which are financial. If it was intended to be an investment their lives could have been made more stressful by managing it and their profits would have been affected by costs for fees, maintenence ,insurance and taxes. As the saying goes, no point crying over spilt milk. Learn from the experience and move on. Don't let it cast a shadow over the rest of your lives

Deduct from what you see as the profit:
A big Capital Gains Tax hit
All the money they would have spent maintaining it, advertising it.
The costs of selling: £20k ish?

They could have handed it over to an agent to manage, it may have given them a modest (taxable) income, and house prices have done well.

But you are a caring, well meaning daughter, not a finance expert or a clairvoyant.

(However, can I just say that ‘people in their early sixties’ are generally extremely capable and not usually wobbly in the face of ‘hassle’)

The AIBU results looks weird but I think most people are saying the same thing.

YABU by feeling so guilty
YANBU it might not have worked out

HOWEVER, you must learn from this. If it's not your area of expertise you should not be advising on such matters. They were also being unreasonable by listening to you when it's not your area of expertise. My parents are immigrants but they still know how to obtain proper advice.

How can they be in their late 60s now if they were in their early 60s 12 years ago?

I knew BTL were scared but I didn't know they were this scared.

Your reaction is really weird and unhealthy. And the proliferation of BTLs is a contributory factor to a broken housing market so you did a good thing.

They could have rented the house out to bad tenants who could have wreaked the place, costing them thousands and taking years from their life due to stress. You never know. What’s done is done. If they’re happy and they have money then no loss has been made. Extra money is nice but it isn’t the be all and end all of life.

Guilt and regret feel awful.

But you weren't to know and maybe, maybe just maybe your intervention was a great thing.

Maybe they would have had awful tenants, maybe they would have had some sort of issue that caused immense stress.

It's like the butterfly effect, right? You weren't deliberately trying to sabotage them. You were acting in their best interests at the time.

Try not to be too hard on yourself

Oh I know all about immigrant guilt and close ties to parents. Be kind to yourself. Talk to other immigrants.

We'd all be millionaires with hindsight. I'm sure it was the right decision at the time.

They are ok and they have a very very loving and caring son(?) who cares deeply as evidenced by how you feel.they already hit the jackpot. Don’t feel guilty- they are adults and we all make mistakes.

They could have had awful tenants who didn't pay or who caused a lot of damage.
Who knows?

Renting out isn't always easy money.

Yes if I weren't completely skint, I would rather have a loving son than millions. ( I do as it happens). Immigrant guilt is not entirely rational so CBT may help.

Hi OP. You saved them from a range of penal taxes, an inefficient income, the risk of the asset falling in value, the risk of a bad tenant not paying and or destroying the place, expenses on upkeep, accountancy and stress. Oh, and horrendous illiquidity. You did them a massive favour. Direct property really shouldn't be viewed as an investment, but a job. At very least, a side hustle. Probably not one they'd really want at their ages.

Get them to seek out a financial adviser, preferably chartered and not St James' Place.

Having rented a couple of properties out in the past, I think your advise was correct. We sold both properties after a few years because we didn’t know when the next phone call was coming from the tenants that the boiler had broken etc.. We often felt anxious about where we’d find the money for this. And we were in our 30s then. Your advise to your parents was good. It would’ve meant years of ongoing worry for them especially at an age where you really don’t need that. I think we all have past regrets but we just remember that we did what we thought was right at the time.

Speculating on the property market can result in big wins, as with this house they nearly bought. But, it can also result in big losses. Your advice was basically not to speculate on the property market. That wasn’t bad advice. It’s a little like telling someone not to buy a lottery ticket, then finding out that the ticket they nearly bought was a winner. Annoying, but it doesn’t mean the original advice was bad.

I’m hearing that as ‘the local’ advising elderly immigrant parents, you feel very responsible for their choices. Allow yourself to let go of that responsibility. They are adults. Clearly they are capable of making big decisions on their own - they immigrated! When they ask for your opinion, it’s the right thing to do, to give it. They may listen, but their decisions are ultimately their own. Don’t disrespect them by taking responsibility for their choices.

So hang on , your parents weren't in their early sixties when you talked them out of buying property because you felt they were too old to cope with it! If this was 12 years ago and they're only late 60s now, they would have been mid- 50s. But of a drip feed methinks..