To not know how to handle this? DDs and food/weight

[dutchmanhattan67]

Posting here for traffic, I'm at my wits end and DP is leaving it all to me.

DP's DGD is 3 years older than my DD- we had DC at completely different life stages! DD is with her dad one night a week and EOW, with us the rest of the time. We have DGD and DGSs from one of DP's DC overnight regularly. Usually 1-2 nights a week but sometimes up to 4.

DGD has been referred to CAMHS eating disorder services. No diagnosis yet but lost a lot of weight, restricting food, struggling with body image etc.

DD is overweight and currently has a really awful relationship with food, and I'm finding it harder and harder to support DGD when she's here without feeling like I'm failing her. DD's dad is useless and feeds her rubbish when she's with him, so I really do need to be trying to tackle her weight while she's with us. Ideally without making her aware of it. Both of them have issues with portion sizes but in opposite ways, and I'm finding we're allowing DD to overeat in treading carefully around DGD.

I don't know how to do the right thing for both of them when they're both here at the same time. DP thinks we should focus on DGD and just leave DD be, but that feels like setting her up for a lifetime of problems. I feel like there has to be a better balance but I don't know what it is.

Is there a reason you need to have the DGDs 1-4 nights every week? Especially with so much going on, it seems a huge amount. Seems also unfair that you're being left to support your DPs grandchildren. Where are your partner and ex in this? Can you ask/demand for them to step up and play a bit more of a role so you don't have to feel like the food police?

There are also some good books on this - and one thing to keep in mind is that having a balanced and relaxed attitude to food (hard as that can be) will actually help both of them.

Why not take all of the loaded language out of it and purely talk about food as fuel for our bodies and the purpose of each food. That allows dd to understand that its important to prioritise more nutritionally valuable foods first over less nutritionally valuable foods. It also reminds dgd that food is important and serves a function in our bodies. Often eating disorders are more rooted in control than the food itself so I'd be trying to give dgd ways she can feel in control without it being harmful. How old are both girls?

We have DSD1's DCs including DGD whenever DSD1 is working nights. DP has been helping DSD1 out with childcare around her nightshifts since before we were together,
so I would be very hesitant to suggest we have them less. But the actual childcare bit does tend to fall to me.

Ex is useless. He's aware that DD's weight is an issue but still fills her up with junk food and sugary crap when he's with her. The problem I'm having when both of them are here together is she comfort eats, she will eat huge portions if we let her. DGD will only eat tiny portions if we can get her to eat at all.

DD is 11, DGD is 14. I agree on the control thing- it's working out how to make DGD feel as though she's in control without extending that to DD that's proving difficult to manage.

What cw112 is suggesting could actually be very harmful if dgd is food restricting. The message around fuel and purpose is very aligned to this way of thinking. Intuitive eating and enjoyment of food are really important - or if it is serious enough to need a detailed approach to getting nutrients, it needs a professional.

Is there anything her mother or your dp can do to get dgd seen privately? Especially if it's not clear what shape her disorder is taking.

In the meantime are paediatric dieticians who can help you think about family food, if you can afford a private session at least it might ease your mind. Do not go with a nutritionist, some are fine but most will not have the university degree and specialist training it takes to become a dietitian, especially for children and in such a tricky situation.

Above all, your dp needs to step up and help more here, his dgd is in trouble, and as eating disorders can be very 'contagious' as an idea, your dd (and probably her sister) are likely also at risk.

Her mother is looking into private treatment, as I understand it they've been told it's likely to be a long wait for CAMHS. In the meantime though it's a minefield.

DP would like us to just focus on DGD and leave DD be. He doesn't want us to be limiting snacks, portion sizes etc for DD because it's giving the wrong message to DGD. I get where he's coming from, but DD is overweight and does need us to step in and help her take control of that. I don't feel we can turn a blind eye when DGD is here because her dad is already doing that.

Surely DD is your responsibility, not DGD? It's her house and you are the parents. So if having the DGC means DD's issues are being ignored, that's not a workable situation.

How about you try to make your house healthier overall? Like healthier meals and healthier snacks. For example, you can stop buying convinience snacks and encourage BOTH to make better choices like eating fruit and vegetables, hummus dip and what not (check out baby snacks 😅 mums of babies are masters of healthy snacks!! As you well known it all goes downhill afterwards....)

Could that possibly help your DD? Or could that make things worse?....

Is DD doing any cooking?

Get her involved in buying and cooking food and get her taking those skills to her dads.

Not a cheap option but a Gousto or other box of food delivery could be something Dd and her dad can both learn to cook together?

Ideal for a weekend if she gets to choose.

What you don't want is for her to associate food at your house as restricted and her dad's food as treat food.

Why do you have your GC so many nights a week?

Absolutely your DGD should. It be prioritised over your DD - I can’t quite believe your DH has said that.

Yep, this.

Very sorry for your DGD but it’s odd you have them so much and if them being there is somehow preventing your from properly helping your DD in her home then something needs to give, and it should t be your DDs health.

Your DP is a dick OP.

You can use someone who is RNutr as they are checked and vetted and registered with an association. (AfN).

They all have to have appropriate degrees and are registered in their specialty.

Stay clear of nutritional therapists, or anybody who says they qualified and are a member of BANT.

Quackery and junk science at best. Damaging woo at worst.

You and DP clearly have different priorities- DP's is DGD and for you it's DD. I don't think DD should be left to it to concentrate on DGD but it is quite tricky to deal with both ends of the spectrum at the same time. What is the relationship like between the girls? Is there any chance they are both looking at each other and thinking I don't want to be like that so DD continues to eat and DP's DGD tries wherever possible to not eat?

I think for the foreseeable future your DP should look after his grandchildren in their own home.

You need to focus on your daughter. He needs to step up and stop leaving the childcare to you.

If dgd has treatment for Anorexia she will have zero control and I’m not sure she’d be staying with you so much as the current line of treatment is parents having full control over a meal plan of 3 meals, 3 snacks and 2 puddings. They will attend family therapy and have support to support the sufferer to eat the full meal plan. Food will be the medicine. Anorexia can be deadly and will need to take precedence. Eating away from home doesn’t really work with the plan. You won’t be doing the therapy and the child needs her parents to support her. It us and incredibly hard process and they’ll need the therapy.

I’d get the mother of the child to weigh the child, list what she is eating and contact Cahms again to say tell them about the increased risk of staying with your daughter. Having to accommodate and support somebody over eating in the same house could be quite dangerous for an anorexic. Maybe they could then advise both you and the mother as to a way forward.

I have wondered this :( I'm hoping DGD's parents will take time off between them to support her once she's under CAMHS, but in the meantime that might be a better solution. Although it won't go down well with DP.

DP is in denial about DD's weight and thinks she's fine- she isn't, she's overweight. It's a story for a whole separate thread but her dad has put her through a lot in the last few years, and we've definitely been guilty of giving her too many treats and letting her comfort eat when she's with us to 'make up' for it. He will go along with me not wanting to have unhealthy snacks in the house, trying to manage her portions etc, but his other grown-up DC are really bad at sneaking her treats when they spend time with her. DGD's parents would rather we have cakes, chocolate etc in the house when she and DGCs are here as they are worried about good food vs 'bad' food messaging.

I think DGD probably is looking at DD and thinking she doesn't want to be like her, which worries me for DD too.

For people who are expecting you to do a large amount of de facto parenting, DGPs DPs seem to have a lot to say about what goes on in your house.

Put your foot down. You're providing a roof, bed and meals to DGD. They need to do the heavy lifting around her ED themselves. I doubt not having sweets and cakes in the house would be a major factor in her recovery or otherwise.

It's very sad and a shame the actual DPs are trying to make you responsible for her .

I would be very careful with how you handle the overeating if you already have Anorexia in the house. You don’t want her copying her or healthy eating getting out of control.

Your DP is prioritising his family. You need to prioritise yours. I really don't think the childcare should be falling to you either tbh. I actually think the two girls have disordered eating and being around each other probably isn't the best for them.

I would be very careful with how you handle the overeating if you already have Anorexia in the house.

they don't already have anorexia in the house, that is their granddaughter. Their daughter struggles with weight and overeating.

Honestly now this is a CAMHS matter with likely strict food routines and monitoring needed I would say your family is unable to accommodate it at your house. Your DD is suffering, and this is a huge task. Put your daughter first. If you don't, no one else will, and how will you feel that you idly sat by putting other children's needs before hers.

This is ridiculous.

If one child had a medical condition where they needed extra Vit C, and the other had a medical condition where they had to restrict Vit C, you wouldn’t throw your hands up and say, “well what can we do?” (I’m aiming that at your boyfriend not you - clearly you do want to do something!)

You would accept that you had two children with different but related medical conditions, and treat both.

You have two children with eating disorders, and you have to treat both.

My stepdaughter was one kilo away from hospitalisation with anorexia - her treatment wasn’t to sit around at home eating junk food in front of people who shouldn’t eat it. It was to eat proper meals, regularly, with the family (she didn’t like eating in front of us) to attend therapy and - for some of the time - take anti-depressants. It was more important that she ate pasta with cheese on than a Mars bar. She wasn’t expected to eat giant portions either - at family meals, she was supposed to eat the same as everyone else. She was expected to eat calorie dense snacks between meals, but not just spend the day troughing chocolate bars.

You need to do what you can to work out the best treatment plan for each child. They’re not stupid, and they’re not that young. Perfectly old enough for an overweight teen to understand that one needs extra calories whilst another doesn’t.

This is my fear, her copying DGD :( DGD will make comments in front of DD about calorie content, saying that she won't eat something because she's already too fat, her tummy is too big etc. Most of my DD's weight is on her tummy. I'm really struggling to buy her clothes just now because the next size up is tight around it and makes it look even bigger, two sizes up covers her tummy but is too long in the sleeves or legs. I haven't made a big deal of that to DD but she's 11, and I worry about the behaviour she's witnessing from DGD.

Testina you've pretty much summed up how I feel.

You have to prioritise your own child, that’s your duty. If your DP doesn’t like that, tough. He either needs to look after his Granddaughter in her own home or you need to live separately. Your daughter’s needs are every bit as important as any other child’s.

But the actual childcare bit does tend to fall to me.

Why?