To not know how to handle this? DDs and food/weight

[dutchmanhattan67]

Posting here for traffic, I'm at my wits end and DP is leaving it all to me.

DP's DGD is 3 years older than my DD- we had DC at completely different life stages! DD is with her dad one night a week and EOW, with us the rest of the time. We have DGD and DGSs from one of DP's DC overnight regularly. Usually 1-2 nights a week but sometimes up to 4.

DGD has been referred to CAMHS eating disorder services. No diagnosis yet but lost a lot of weight, restricting food, struggling with body image etc.

DD is overweight and currently has a really awful relationship with food, and I'm finding it harder and harder to support DGD when she's here without feeling like I'm failing her. DD's dad is useless and feeds her rubbish when she's with him, so I really do need to be trying to tackle her weight while she's with us. Ideally without making her aware of it. Both of them have issues with portion sizes but in opposite ways, and I'm finding we're allowing DD to overeat in treading carefully around DGD.

I don't know how to do the right thing for both of them when they're both here at the same time. DP thinks we should focus on DGD and just leave DD be, but that feels like setting her up for a lifetime of problems. I feel like there has to be a better balance but I don't know what it is.

If the gd is diagnosed with Anorexia and under Cahms she will need to eat 3 meals, 3 snacks and 2 puddings. You will need high calorie food in the house and food with sugar. My Dd had to eat puddings, ice cream, biscuits etc. it’s prescribed by a dietician. That said I doubt she’ll be staying with you if that’s the case. Parents have to be in control, meals can take hours and are highly stressful.

Anorexia is far more dangerous and will need to take precedence if she does come to stay.

At no point have I said DGD should be coming in second to DD. That's exactly why I don't think we can make it work for both of them in the same house at the moment.

She will often help herself to treats even if I've told her she can't have them, yes. I should have made more of an issue of it when it first started but I didn't and it's become a habit, I know that's my fault. If we don't have it in the house she can't eat it.

DP and I have talked about both of them tonight, he's going to ask DSD if he can supervise DGCs in their house at least some of the time moving forward. He doesn't want to just tell her that will work better for us. He's going to speak to his other DCs about not feeding DD junk when she's with them. He's also said he thinks she looks pregnant he obviously knows she's not, but I am wondering if it might be worth getting her checked for gluten intolerance.

lljkk thank you

My DD same age also has a rounded tummy, pretty much slim elsewhere. Think age/pre puberty is a big factor as she doesn't eat any worse that the average child.
Has she started her periods? She may well naturally slim down after she starts.

I was a very overweight teenager. Theres a difference between an overweight DC and a bit of a tum prior to a growth spurt. I don't really know what the answer is , I know for me a lot of it was food providing a bit of comfort and then the fatter I got the more I ate for comfort.

I agree it's easier not to have the junk food in the house than try to restrict it or package DDs meals up for her.It's a difficult age and a difficult message and you sound like a caring DM OP.

The op has already said her daughter is more than just a little overweight, and that she can't buy clothes that fit her properly anymore, so I don't get why people are downplaying the effects this is having on her health? Both of the girls have eating disorders, both need help, and they shouldn't be having meals together until there are firm plans in place for both of them.

I don't think it's just pre-puberty weight. She's had the weight gain before a growth spurt thing before and then slimmed down a bit. At the moment she has more of what you'd probably call a pot belly, it's that very bloated/small baby bump shape. Age 12-13 tops are fine in the sleeves but don't fit around the tummy, age 13-14 is very tight. She can get age 12-13 leggings on easily but not over her tummy, jeans are hopeless. She started her periods a few months ago.

I definitely think there could be an element of comfort eating because she's unhappy with her body, and that worries me.

@dutchmanhattan67 it doesn't sound like she's excessively overweight then if she's in teenage, rather than adult clothes.

I think you said she does a lot of exercise- does she go to the gym?DS got very tubby over the first lockdown, but now he has become a gym rat he has an amazing physique.

I think just try to make sure there are lots of good snacks like carrot sticks and air popped popcorn for the evening. Try not to make food a huge issue, otherwise she's at the age where she can start to buy it herself, give her compliments when she looks good and maybe take her out shopping for clothes that flatter her figure more .

“She will often help herself to treats even if I've told her she can't have them, yes“

Then you need to do some parenting.

OP I've o lynread your comments so apologies if this has been suggested by others in the thread, but have you tried baking with your daughter and/or SGD, and cooking? Preparing food and having control over the process can be good for those suffering with eating disorders (whether that be excessive consumption or food restriction).

It gives the element of control over what goes I to the food and the child learns a skill.

It sounds counter intuitive but both children couod probably benefit from eating similar foods.

Your daughter doesn't need low fat, artificially flavoured diet foods that her body doesn't understand. Full fat Greek yogurt with fruit or xhia jam is delicious, creamy and satisfying and makes you feel full for ages.

Sugar is terrible (I say that as a sugar addict who is preparing to try and quit again). Sugar makes you fat, it makes you hungry....but you could bake some healthy brownies and muffins without refined sugar and with coconut flour (if you're concerned about intolerances).

Also, not that you should have to, but could you send her to her dad's with some of the healthy baking? Sell it as "your dad will be so pleased to share some of what youve made, why don't you take some for the two of you to enjoy over the weekend"?!

I appreciate what you're dealing with must be very difficult though OP and hope it all works out for the best.

She isn't in teenage clothes anymore because they mostly don't fit her. They fit her everywhere else, it's just the tummy area that's the problem. She's always tended to be a size up from her age, but she's now grown out of a lot of age 13-14 tops. She's either an adult small or medium in Hollister tops depending on the fit, or age 14-15. Bottoms are a nightmare because anything that fits around the tummy is huge in the legs. She can wear age 13-14 if she doesn't pull the waistband up over her tummy. I think it sounds like she's not that overweight because her arms and legs aren't as big, her weight is mostly fat tummy.

She doesn't go to the gym, I didn't even realise they could at her age. She's definitely slowed down in the activities she does, I think probably because it's uncomfortable so maybe the gym together is a good idea.

We haven't tried healthy baking, but I do like the idea of sending her to her dad's with healthier options.

Anorexia is a very difficult disorder to live with and for those around. But you can't look after one child at the expense of the other.
How active is your DD? Quite often advice given is to halt further weight gain and be more active and a growing child will grow into their weight.
What are the consequences of your DD helping herself when she's been told no?
I wonder if she needs a little help with impulse control, plus are you reinforcing the idea that food is a treat?
Maybe you need to develop more strategies for comfort and rewards that don't include food.
Ideally you want to be able to have any food in the house and for your DD to be able to self regulate.

@dutchmanhattan67 As a mum to a 15 year old DD who is is atleast 2 stone overweight I feel for you.

I waited and waited until my daughter came to me and cried one evening.
I offered to take her to the GP and she agreed. We had bloods done and all was ok there.
Thankfully, the GP was brilliant and weighed her and told her in a nice way that she was overweight. Unfortunately, I am not very tall so I am not sure she will "grow" into it either.
She has been referred to a dietician and also counselling to help with emotional eating but we are on a wait list.
We have taken some steps but she isn't consistent and when we have bad days its awful (like 3 cakes, a pizza and also some other snack bag at school a few days ago and that was all in a single day)

I don't think all kids this age will agree to go and look for flattering clothes for their body shape.
For my DD, it is more about fitting into a certain size top from a certain store where her friends shop more than anything else.
I do have to police her school lunch account A LOT (and I hate doing it)
I go out of the way to meal plan and make packed lunches. Yes, she should be doing her own lunch at 15 but with GCSE and her preference for white bread and cheese she will hardly take anything healthy. So yes, I have created a rod for myself.
I have offered to help her plan a menu and cook or atleast to come up with meal plan so she can be in control but she isn't just interested.

portion sizes are also a tricky thing. Yesterday's dinner was pasta with white sauce and liberal cheese and she wanted seconds.
I felt terrible but had to say "have a fruit" and she did. Other times, this would have annoyed her.
We struggle with after-school hunger. Carrot sticks simply doesn't go down well.
Brioche or a hot cross bun does (along with a hot chocolate she makes herself)
But I have taken steps with sugary cereal out of the cupboards and replaced with weetabix/porride.
I also have another child at home that needs serious fattening up (thankfully no eating issues just genetics) so it is tricky

It is a long and tiring journey and I completely empathise with you. My two pence would be to take little steps and maybe change one thing every few days.
Too much of drastic change will not go down well.

DP thinks we should focus on DGD and just leave DD be, but that feels like setting her up for a lifetime of problems.

what a fucking awful attitude to have. He sounds revolting. I suspect your daughter may be better off away from this negligence, poor girl. Also, why are you having the grandchildren so much of the time?

What ridiculous hyperbole. He sounds nothing of the sort. Both he and the OP sound like decent responsible parents and grandparents doing their very best to help children with conflicting needs. He obviously considers the risk to his granddaughter the more immediate of the two at present. Which is obviously up for debate, but how on earth does that make him 'revolting'? And how incredibly stupid to suggest there is neglect.

DP doesn't think we should leave DD be because he's less bothered about her than he is DGD. Up until very recently he's insisted he doesn't think she looks overweight and she'll slim down at some point as she grows. He did agree she's overweight when I spoke to him last night, she's been piling on weight much faster since she's been back at school. I think there's an element of him not wanting to notice in his own child, he's always treated her like she's his and they have a very close relationship. When I spoke to him about it last night he agreed her weight is a problem but said he thought there's some kind of medical cause because so much of her size is tummy. I will get her a GP appointment but I don't think it's anything underlying, I think it's just fat.

@BrightRedLipstick k I have to say that's why I really want to get on top of her weight now, I don't want it to get to the stage of her coming to me upset sad It's such a difficult one. DD is the same with clothes, she would rather squeeze into something her friends are wearing. I don't think they have any concept of dressing for certain body shapes at that age, they just want to fit in with their peer group. I didn't realise counselling for emotional eating was even an option, did you find out about that thru her GP? Mine often resists going to her dad's at the moment and we tend struggle with portion sizes, sneaking food etc a lot more around her overnights with him, so I do wonder if she's comfort eating.

I really worry about consequences for helping herself to food when she's been told she can't because I don't want to make her secretive about it or give her more issues than she already has. She's been told it's not acceptable repeatedly. We probably have used food as a treat too much, I need to talk to her other step sisters about that as they're particularly bad at treating her to sugary rubbish whenever she's with them.

@Beamur she is very active, but I worry that if she keeps gaining weight as fast as she has been, that's going to get much harder and she's going to be reluctant to keep exercising as much as she does. I really don't think she's going to grow into the size she is at the moment unfortunately. Even if she was several inches taller she would still be visibly overweight I think.

@dutchmanhattan67 yes the GP organised it all.
I went on my own to speak to her first and then took DD for another appointment.
Apparently there are community school health services that does offer some counselling.
I am hoping that it is useful.

DP has spoken to DSD1 and the plan going forward is for him to have DGCs at their house as much as possible. Unfortunately he’s out tonight, so I’ve got both girls.

We’ve been through DD’s wardrobe this afternoon trying things on to get rid of clothes that don’t fit her anymore before GDCs got here. She has womens jeans I bought her recently that are baggy in the legs but button around her middle. Those are a 28-29” waist which sounds really big for her age. She has age 13-14 leggings that fit ok but don’t pull up over her tummy that are a 26 1/2” waist. Jeans in that size from the same brand don’t button. As well meaning as I’m sure people are, I don’t think it can be just pre-puberty weight.

@BrightRedLipstick that is helpful, thank you. I hadn’t thought of going without DD first but I think that’s a good idea, I don’t particularly want to be talking about it in too much detail in front of her.

I've found that focusing on a healthy diet has worked with my family (more your DD's issue than your DGD). We have occasional and pretty relaxed conversations about how much sugar is healthy (6-7tsp for an 11YO) and the kids have both started thinking about how much they have (though it was only really an issue for one). It's had a good effect, slowly, as has more exercise (in the form of walking to school). Don't know much about anorexia though, I'm afraid, or whether that would work for them too.

Have no sugar in the house

I wish it was as simple as just having no sugar in the house

It‘a come out tonight that DGD has been teasing DD about her weight.

I’m so upset.

DP is out so I have both of them overnight, but I will be talking to him and her parents tomorrow.

I'm so sorry that you're in this position. Having had a family member with severely restricting behaviours, people who haven't been there have no idea how challenging it becomes. The disorder can end up controlling the whole family. Without wanting to freak you out, it can get harder not better once treatment starts, because there will be battles about food regimens, need for oversight, sneaking around and dishonesty about food and more.

Advice on here is well meaning but often probably not even helpful for your dd, and definitely not your dgd. You need a specialist. Private if you have funds, otherwise as another person says, go back to the doctor /camhs and flag the risk factor (don't make it about your dd as she's not the patient - instead flag that the dgd is living a good chunk of her life with another child who is overweight/overeating).

I think your dgd needs to be cared for at her own home only for a bit, and only come over if they are actually having fun together. It doesn't need to be about food so much as about teasing behaviours and difficult time together.

Best of luck. Is there an activity or something that you and dd enjoy together and could do together that will help her see her body as powerful or beautiful or comfortable? Whether it's going trampolining, hulahooping, mixing up essential oils to give each other shoulder / hand / head massages or doing the latest manicure trends from tiktok (not makeup, that's about disguise), it can be a good way to help her feel centred and good about her body, whatever the size.

OP, you mentioned something about your ex earlier and how if had affected DD. Is that related to why she doesn’t want to go stay with him? Is the contact court ordered? At her age, she should have some input into going to stay with him. If being at his is causing her to comfort eat then I’d be removing that stressor for a while. Comfort eating can be a life long condition and it’s horrible to deal with. An addiction to something that you can’t ever avoid. Giving her sweets etc isn’t a treat, it’s helping create an addiction that she may have to endure for decades. Sorry if that sounds dramatic, but it’s hugely important.

We definitely can’t have them both here at the moment, it’s not fair on either of them. DP had already made that clear, tbh I’m not even sure I would want to have DGD here to help out if he’s working late.

DD and I did have a conversation about body image when this came out last night. Interestingly she says she likes her “big fat belly,” she called it that. I don’t know if that’s because she doesn’t want to admit she’s unhappy or she knows losing weight means eating less. She doesn’t like that it’s so difficult to find clothes that fit her properly. She said some things that sound like she’s feeling bloated at times, but she doesn’t look bloated. I’m going to get her a GP appointment.

Her contact with her dad is court ordered. She’s a bit unpredictable with that, sometimes she’s happy to go and other times she really doesn’t want to.

I’m going to make it clear to her stepsiblings today that they’re not to go behind my back and buy her treats.