To not know how to handle this? DDs and food/weight

[dutchmanhattan67]

Posting here for traffic, I'm at my wits end and DP is leaving it all to me.

DP's DGD is 3 years older than my DD- we had DC at completely different life stages! DD is with her dad one night a week and EOW, with us the rest of the time. We have DGD and DGSs from one of DP's DC overnight regularly. Usually 1-2 nights a week but sometimes up to 4.

DGD has been referred to CAMHS eating disorder services. No diagnosis yet but lost a lot of weight, restricting food, struggling with body image etc.

DD is overweight and currently has a really awful relationship with food, and I'm finding it harder and harder to support DGD when she's here without feeling like I'm failing her. DD's dad is useless and feeds her rubbish when she's with him, so I really do need to be trying to tackle her weight while she's with us. Ideally without making her aware of it. Both of them have issues with portion sizes but in opposite ways, and I'm finding we're allowing DD to overeat in treading carefully around DGD.

I don't know how to do the right thing for both of them when they're both here at the same time. DP thinks we should focus on DGD and just leave DD be, but that feels like setting her up for a lifetime of problems. I feel like there has to be a better balance but I don't know what it is.

Some shops do clothes for larger or skinnier kids. Maybe you could check that.

Also maybe you could try to find flowy pretty blouses and any kind of fashion that suits HER body.

We had the opposite issue with DD1. She was super skinny and most trousers would give her a builder's bum 😳 we had to shop around for a different style altogether

Meal Plan with portion control considered? Or prepare meals in advance and put them in plastic containers so DD knows what she is allowed without having to ask you or dad.

I think the time for good food v bad food messaging has past. Sounds like both DGD and DD have disordered eating that isn’t a food issue ie there are underlying emotional issues that have resulted in eating problems.

Sounds like both families need to do some learning around eating issues as they aren’t about getting your 5 a day etc, they’re about control or validation. At 14, DGD (should) knows what is good or bad food so it’s not her lack of nutritional knowledge that is causing this problem. Why does she feel out of control? What else is going on?

Same with DD. If you can help the underlying need to feel good about herself etc then the over-eating can be helped. You mentioned ex is useless and gives her junk when she’s with him. You’ll know how to deal with him eg if you say you don’t want her eating junk, will he just give her more to spite you? If he’s not going to help you get your DD healthy then that’s 1) completely shit parenting and 2) an added barrier for you to deal with.

It may be that you’re the only person in these two families who is going to be able to help the girls if none of the others are willing to implement the changes necessary to suit both girls. Find common ground for both eg no sweets/crisps for snacks, maybe no discussing calorie content of food at meal times, no comments about how bodies look. Have rules in place and make sure everyone sticks to them. What is DGD looking at online? Has anyone checked? There is fantastically dangerous pro-anorexia content online that will do nothing to help her.

If you’re the only one willing to deal with this then I’d find out as much as you can about both types of problem, decide what the best way to approach it is and stick to it. If that means DP has to look after DGD at her house then so be it. Both conditions are as serious as each other and one shouldn’t be prioritised over the other. When it comes down to it, you have to do what is best for your DD.

DP should absolutely be looking after his granddaughter in her own home whilst all this is going on. That child needs to feel as relaxed as possible and in a routine to help her through her ED. Then you can focus on DD. If DP doesn't get her their different needs need to be prioritised above his own preferences is he really the one for you OP?

Although there's only 3 years between the girls, I'd say that they are at quite different stages. Agree with other posters that your DP and his DC seem to have an awful lot of say around what happens at your house and to your DD and that's something to deal with.

However, I think tackling your DD's weight should possibly be handled a little differently. The reality is that DGD is not going to be slamming cake down. So whether or not you have treats int he house, it's perfectly reasonable to insist that anyone who has treats does so in a moderate way because that is healthy.

DS was very overweight. He was slightly younger than your DD, but here are the things we did.

• massively limited treats and snacks which we, particularly DH, had got into the habit of allowing with complete abandon. A small chocolate/or a biscuit was okay every day but that was it. AALthough we also didn't do this in one swoop. So we'd got into a bad habit of a small hot chocolate and biscuit twice a day. For a while we cut everything else bt left those. Then we reduced it to once a day, and eventually cut it out completely.
• Thought more carefully about main meals. We are lucky in that DS is a good eater so I realised we'd slipped into that "high calorie/nutrient dense food for children because they'll only eat a little" when actually, DS ate loads. So instead of cottage pie and spaghetti bolognaise etc, we swapped to baked chicken with lots of vegetables and some new potatoes. DS could still have a big portion, but it was a much more balanced portion with lower calories. This would be good for your DGD too (albeit she'll eat smaller portions).
• Increased exercise, particularly exercise that was done over a longer period (ie rather than 20 minutes of PE or whatever). We had to work hard to get DS to maintain activity levels for longer periods which is what you need for fat burning. But him and DH got into doing obstacle courses at home or in the park, and he started doing a martial arts class that was 90 minutes long. DH also spent hours playing football with him. Our DD is less into exercise alone/with us so we have learnt our lesson and she attends a LOT of sports groups etc as a way to keep her active.

DS lost all the weight. He's started secondary and it's creeping on a bit because he's more independent and is spending money on foods and treats. We're being careful though and are taking steps - treats at home are being removed entirely and I've implemented a much stricter budget on his school dinner account. We will probably also have to have a tougher conversation with him at some point but I'm holding back partially because I think he might also be getting ready for a growth spurt as I notice his height hasn't changed much over the last year so he is probably due an increase.

Oh, and swimming. At the time, DS loved swimming so we would spend hours in the pool and I'd encourage him to do laps etc. It's low level but constant exercise and also fun.

“I haven't made a big deal of that to DD but she's 11, and I worry about the behaviour she's witnessing from DGD.”

Eating Disorders thrive in secrecy.
Talk about it.
I’m actually unsure from your posts whether your child just has a shit diet and has gained weight as a result, or whether they’re actively using food in an unhealthy way.
But either way, no good comes from ignoring what’s under your nose.
EDs are medical conditions. You wouldn’t hide a 14yo’s diabetes equipment from an 11yo sibling. It’s OK to talk about EDs.

“DP would like us to just focus on DGD and leave DD be. He doesn't want us to be limiting snacks, portion sizes etc for DD because it's giving the wrong message to DGD.”

He’s wrong on this.
The “right” message for his anorexic granddaughter isn’t “you should be eating all the crap”. It’s that she should be eating enough, and not using food emotionally - be that under eating for control, or over eating for comfort (or any of the other many reasons that drive EDs). Making appropriate choices with the younger girl is modelling making appropriate choices for the older girl. The actual choice will be different - but the important message is that the choice should be appropriate.
Take all the secrecy away.
There is no mixed message in saying to an 11yo, “X has a medical condition and needs help to gain weight, so she has extra food - you do not need to gain weight, so you don’t.”

First of all, my sympathies. I have (older, now) children, one who had anorexia and still has issues around food, and one who is overweight. I understand exactly how hard this is for you especially as you don’t have specialist advice.

I think the message has to be what is healthy. For one, healthy food is quite different to what it is for the other. I accept that the risk is the anorexic child won’t hear the message from you but I wonder, would she listen to a dietician? You talk about her potentially having some private therapy so I wonder if that’s an option.

That said, I understand how anorexia takes over and doesn’t listen to any sort of logic. It’s hard to fight the illness and the only person who can isn’t listening. I’m afraid your dgd will choose her path and so you need to know that whatever happens to her, it isn’t your fault. In which case, I’m with the others, talk about healthy food (and how “healthy” will be a different thing to each child because we are all different) and concentrate on dd.

I think the suggestion that your DP cares for his DGD in her own home is a good one. There's too much going on. It doesn't have to be strictly like that. She could still come 1 night a week if the girls would miss seeing each other. On balance, I think it would be better for DGD to be spending more time in her own home with her own parents and for your DD not to be spending so much time with her.

Restrictive eating is such a scary thing to deal with. I think it is really important that your DGD has the right professional help but that's up to her parents. It certainly shouldn't be falling to a step GP to be sorting it out. If your DP wants to support them, maybe helping pay for private care, that's great but it isn't your responsibility. All you should be doing is following professional guidance while she's in your care. You shouldn't be making decisions about how to deal with her.

I agree with @Testina

Everyone needs this to be out in the open. Stop the secrecy around food. Both girls need a healthy & balanced diet and would benefit from having a variety of nutritionally balanced food in the house.

I think I'd explain to DP's daughter that I cannot put her daughters health above my own, and therefore her children need to understand that from now on you are 'the healthy food house'. Have plenty of healthy snacks. DD can help herself, not so much need to monitor, and DGD can help herself knowing they are healthy non-fattening (but still eating!). The kid obviously has a grasp on food health and fats etc. so having loads of that around if she won't touch it is pointless and bad for your DD.

“DD can help herself, not so much need to monitor, and DGD can help herself knowing they are healthy non-fattening (but still eating!).”

When my stepdaughter (actually my boyfriend’s daughter at the time) was being treated for anorexia, my husband was told not to let her fill up on “healthy non fattening” snacks. That didn’t mean lots of cake - but it did mean things like peanut butter. Healthy - but not the right choice for the overweight child.

I think OP needs to treat each child as having a separate medical need.

Don't try to create one snack policy that both can share. That’s what is causing you a problem now, trying to do one thing that fits bold.

Child 1 needs to stop snacking (and sure, healthy snacks may be a half way house, but actually not mindlessly or comfort snacking at all is preferable)

Child 2 needs to start snacking. She won’t regain the weight with normal portions 3x a day. She needs additional planned eating (not mindless snacking) on a schedule as agreed with her professional team. Those additional meals need to be peanut butter not carrot sticks, cheese cubes not crackers.

I think OP needs to step away from trying to combine any approach.

Lots to think about on here. I'm going to talk to DP tonight about him having GDC at their house at least some of the time we're doing the childcare. DGD and DD are very close and spend a lot of time together when they're both here, so it's not just family meal times, it's constant.

I will look into plus size kids clothing, although the idea of buying her that makes me sad :( She's at the age where she only wants to wear what her friends are wearing, so trying to buy her more flattering clothes for her is tricky. I would never say this to her, but I don't think clothes would help tbh. She is overweight and it is noticeable, and we do need to do something about it. But I would like to be able to buy her jeans etc that fit her without having to roll up the legs in the meantime.

I think it's a combination of her diet is really shit a lot of the time and she uses food to self-soothe. I've tried talking to ex before, it doesn't make a difference. He's bothered enough to want a relationship with her but isn't bothered enough to feed her properly, he'd rather rely on convenience stuff, fast food etc. She seems to have a lot of snacks, chocolate etc at his house which I suspect is an easy way to keep her occupied. DP's DCs also spend a lot of time with her without us there- they're all much much older and love having a baby sister, but have been completely rubbish at ignoring when I've asked them not to give her junk food. They'll just say she's fine as she is. So I probably need to talk to them too. Her diet is fairly healthy when she's with us, but she does tend to want to overeat, eat when she's upset etc.

She does actually get a lot of exercise, which worries me because she's still overweight.

I have no idea what DGD is accessing on social media, I hadn't even thought of that. I'll mention it to DP.

How often is your DD at her dads?

as honestly, if it’s not 50% of the week I’m not sure you can 100% blame him here for her weight. Weight loss and gain is 80-90% diet related, so your comment about exercise doesn’t surprise me, but her diet needs to be the focus of your attention.

Why is she comfort eating? Have you sought help for her to find better coping strategies than eating?

I also slightly agree with your partner in that technically yes, his DGDs issues are a bit more of a priority than your DDs. One has an eating disorder, the other is simply overeating (and seemingly just has overly indulgent parents who have dropped the ball)

Anorexia at this stage is a lot more serious than your DD being overweight.

But I agree with PP I’d see if he can look after DGD at her home for half of the visits, more if possible.

Your DP is being unreasonable. It’s important to address the needs of both girls!

Many girls are a little chubby at age 11 because that is just before puberty and growth spurt. So try not to worry too much.

Both girls are still growing and will have broadly similar nutritional needs. The aim for most overweight children of your daughter’s age is usually not to lose weight, but to avoid gaining weight while still growing. So basically they should BOTH be eating good nutritionally balanced foods, including snacks, but NOT junk food, so I really don’t see why they should be treated any differently around food - treating them the same will also help promote a healthy attitude about eating for them both.

I think consulting a dietician is a good idea, if you can. Come up with a good, nutritionally balanced programme aimed at maintaining the weight of an 11 year old, and encourage (in so far as you can) the 14 year old to eat the same.

Absolutely discourage talk about who’s fat and who’s thin. I really think in this case treating them both the same is the answer (until and unless you have better guidance from the CAHMS or other medical support team) even if that might sound intuitively wrong. They both have developed (at least slightly) disordered attitudes to food. So they both need to be presented with food that is appropriate for them.

For both girls it is good to normalise eating as a necessary and (hopefully) pleasurable activity, and a time for the family to gather together. Make mealtimes a tiny bit formal (sitting down together, I mean, with food nicely presented, and telephones etc banned for all of you.

I don’t know what the best advice is for serving - my guess is that you should serve, and maybe give your DGD just the tiniest bit more than she thinks she wants (so it doesn’t overwhelm her), and your DD what seems a reasonable portion. But if you can get advice from a dietician they will likely have thoughts on how to handle this.

If you have the time and the energy, eat breakfast together as well.

At meal times, talk to the girls about their day.

You obviously can’t control what happens when your daughter is with her father. The best thing you can do is to try to keep her attitudes about food in your home as healthy as possible, and hope that she eventually takes it in and takes her own control as she matures.

I would not worry too much about DGD effect on your DD, except that it sometimes is the case that anorexic sufferers enjoy feeding others - it’s a way of vicarious eating. So do be careful that DGD is not tempting your daughter to eat extra while starving herself.

This all sounds very difficult for you. Good luck!

She's at her dad's after school one weeknight thu to school run the next morning and EOW.

We are definitely to blame along with her dad, we became far too lax with letting her eat whatever she wanted six months or so ago and she's really piled on weight since then. She's probably been slightly overweight for a few years. She hasn't struggled with clothes until recently because most of her weight has always been on her tummy. So I think I was turning a blind eye for a while until she put on a lot more weight and finding her clothes started being a problem :( I am definitely partly to blame, I mention her dad because her diet is particularly bad at his and I can't see that changing.

I don't agree that anorexia is more of an issue than being overweight. DD's relationship with food is just as unhealthy, just in different ways. I worry the longer it continues, the harder it's going to be for her to manage later in life.

So if anything you’re more at fault for this. Even if she ate crap for a handful of nights a month, her diet with you is the problem

And I really struggle to understand why you think an actual eating disorder, that kills millions of teenagers and adults every year is not more of an issue than your DD being a bit overweight?!

I can see why there are disagreements over this as you’re not being overly rational about this

I would serve appropriately sized portions of healthy food to both girls and keep things low key around food, with as little fuss and messaging as possible either way for those 2 nights a week. Realistically for DD it amounts to 2 meals of the 15 per week you are responsible for, so in the scheme of things won't impact her weight greatly if you cater more towards DGD.

DD is my priority because DGD is her parents' priority.

Some weeks we have DGD 4 weeknights, usually if that happens one of those will be DD's night with her dad. But she's also at her dad's EOW, so it can work out as almost a full week either with DGD or at her dad's. I can't just let her snack unrestricted and turn a blind eye to portion sizes because DGD, but I also can't try to limit her in front of DGD. DD seems to be the one suffering as things stand.

It's not so much DGD's parents want her to eat sugary crap, they just don't want us not to have it in the house because they want her to see it as part of a normal diet. But if we have it in the house, DD will eat it.

I get the principle of overweight kids maintaining their weight as they grow not losing weight, but I think she does ideally need to lose some of the weight now or she's going to be very overweight until she's had a few growth spurts :( She's not just a little bit overweight.

She can be your priority without pretending an actual eating disorder isn’t worse than overeating.

One can kill a lot faster than the other.

Anyone with common sense would see the anorexia is worse than the overeating, that doesn’t mean you can’t prioritise your DD, but don’t kid yourself that her issues are equally as important or as urgent than your DGD. That’s simply absurd.

You have caused this issue with your DD, and both kids are now suffering due to it.

Not having sugary crap in the house doesn't lead to or worsen EDs. If the conflict is around DGD parents wanting you to make junk available then that would be easier for me. It would be a no. There are multiple excellent reasons not to eat sugary crap (dental health, nutrition, cost) that are nothing to do with weight, so there would be no need for DGD to be given harmful messages about why it was no longer available in your house.

“But if we have it in the house, DD will eat it.”

Will she? Does she steal food?
I’ve got a drawer full of junk food, my 14yo asks, “can I take a chocolate bar?” before going to it - and mooches off with only the slightest grumble if I reply, “you walked into the house carrying a cookie - nice try, but no.”

Also - your boyfriend’s adult daughter doesn’t get to decide what food is in your house.

Surely an eating proper moderate portion of healthy food is the goal for both girls? DGD needs to eat more and DD needs to eat less. Serve them the same.

I think it's funny how the thread fails to recognise that likes her DGD, loves her even, & desperately wants to help both girls.

I don't envy you OP and I have no idea what I'd do but... I don't think you can manage this without making both girls active partners in the situation. The anorexic one presumably knows what her routine is supposed to be. The plump one you'll have to talk to somehow, directly, about how you have a parent's duty to make sure she makes healthy eating choices. They can't just be passive actors in this situation.

You can't do this successfully without their help.