To not want to host Christmas for the Inlaws?

[Oreosareawful]

I always try to be accommodating and fair to all, but I have told my husband under no circumstances am I having his parents over for Christmas again.

We've had them over a few Christmas's now and the last time (2 years ago) was the last straw. FIL is very difficult to get along with, he will plonk himself down on the sofa, take the remote control and we are all expected to do as he says. The last time they spent Christmas with us I was berated for not allowing my MIL to take over the cooking. He takes umbridge at being asked to remove his shoes (we have carpets), will try to vape/use E cigarettes in the house despite being asked to step outside, will not offer to help clean up, will not bring a contribution and the nail in the coffin was that he proceeded to have a nap on our sofa in the afternoon and expected our children (4 & 6) to remain quiet so he could sleep.

I had to go out for a walk to calm down that year (for fear of saying something I'd regret) and explained to my husband when they left that I would not be prepared to have them for Christmas again.

It's been two years and my husband is asking when he can invite them again. I've told him absolutely not and that he is being unreasonable to even ask after last time. He thinks I'm being unfair and says he can't keep making excuses. We have hosted my own parents the last couple of years and it's been noticed.
The difference being that my own parents will entertain the children while I cook. They bring food, wine and will contribute money as they appreciate how much it costs to host. They help with the cleaning up, make no mess and are a pleasure to have around. There is a massive difference in the atmosphere.

We're not hosting anyone this year, but my fairness is being called into question already for next year.

AIBU?

What does your husband say about the things you’ve mentioned?

If he wants to nap, he needs to use a bedroom.

No , your husband needs to stop making excuses and tell them that it's not on as its hard work for you all
Go to them for a meal and come straight home if they force it

When you say 'host for Christmas' is that for the day itself or longer?

As an outsider I can see why it's completely reasonable to only have your parents, but I can also see that it wouldn't seem fair to your DH. Does he acknowledge how difficult they are? Or is it that he doesn't really want them to come either but they keep going on at him and he, as you report, feels he's running out of excuses? Did Covid restrictions help?

How often do you see them the rest of the year? What would happen if you told DH they could come but he was entirely responsible for everything - shopping, cooking, entertaining...? And you'll do your own thing with the children.

I wouldn't want them to come either, but I recognise that these things are tricky to negotiate.

Tell your husband to go to their house for Christmas. You and kids stay at home.

Why can't they host lunch?

Then you can go, stay for 2hrs, and leave.

He doesn't need to keep on making excuses, he needs to tell them straight that their behaviour was out of order.

I have a similar situation; we usually get on well but when they come for Christmas Day/Mothers Day etc they are difficult guests (think rude/ungrateful/unhelpful) whereas my parents are just as you describe yours.
I've avoided the Christmas conversation so far but I know it's coming. After a difficult Mother's Day lunch I swore we wouldn't entertain them again, but it feels a bit mean. On the other hand why should I put myself through all that work to be belittled?!
Watching the replies with interest ... good luck with whatever you decide, OP.

Does your DH think it's ok for his parents to do the things you describe? Things like shoes on carpet/ bringing a contribution to dinner are a bit a matter of personal taste - I wouldn't personally be terribly fussed if my parents didn't bring a contribution (in fact I wish they'd stop bringing things as I find it a bit awkward!).

If your DH thinks most of his parents' behaviour is ok, then he needs to organise it so that he's the person potentially inconvenienced, not you. If his mum is going to want to help cook, he needs to take on the cooking; he needs to be the one offering FIL a bedroom as it's not reasonable to expect small children to tip-toe around on Christmas Day, and reminding him to step outside to vape. It's putting you in a really awkward position if you're doing these things.

Your DH needs to tell his parents they won't be spending anymore Christmas' St your home, he should explain to them why. Ofcourse you and the children shouldn't have to put up with them after they behaved terribly. I think you should make it crystal clear to DH it's not happening now or EVER so he can stop asking you. Stand firm on this.

Your DH needs to speak to his DP to explain why you (as a family) are reluctant to host them again and ask if they are prepared to muck in more and be more accommodating. Give them one more chance but your DH will have to be on high alert with “Mum can you play with the kids”, “Dad, time to give X a go with the remote” or “come up stairs if you want to nap in peace”.
You may find they don’t want to come again!

Similar happened here. Inappropriate language and extreme drunkenness ended all Christmas invites for fil and bil. It has been noticed. When asked if they can come I reply every time, no thanks but you can go there if you want. Your husband is free to visit his parents. Christmas day is about the kids and I can't stand people being rude around them, especially in their own home.

YANBU.

Tell your husband that unless his pig of a father learns to behave like a normal adult then he’s not ruining your ps and the kids Christmas.

We no longer see my in laws in their house and they done come to ours. We see them halfway for a few hours as often as my DH wants to see them. I go, only because it makes it easier for my DH as they verbally attack him if I’m not there. It’s changed my life! I enjoy Xmas, other celebrations etc. We just have Xmas the core family at home and I love it. We do see my family for Easter, as they put less pressure on creating a chocolate box moment for Easter than they do for Xmas. I spent my whole children full of angst and dread and now I’m in my 40s I just won’t do it anymore. I’m still kind and helpful and put myself out to help neighbours etc, drop everything if my family needs but I just don’t put myself out for social situations anymore (unless it is for the kids). I do it if I want to and don’t if I don’t want to! Xx

The FIL won't help and you won't let the MIL cook? To them, that might look like a bit of a contradiction?

They sound annoying but no worse than a lot of families where exact expectations don't match up. If your DH really wants them there, then tell him it's his job to do the legwork and to speak up if they try to criticise you.

Sorry about the ‘xx’ - been sending texts and obviously still in automatic text mode!

I hosted my ILs and usually my mother (and often my single brother, if he wasn’t away travelling or working overseas) every year for the first 25 years or so of our marriage - for complex family reasons which I’m not going to go into here as could be outing. ILs lived 200 miles away, would arrive a few days before Christmas and stayed until after new year. Mum lived locally and came for the day - we’d invite her to stay the night but she preferred to go home. DH did not leave all the cooking and cleaning and shopping and entertaining to me - he did more than his share. It was exhausting - ILs liked to think they were easygoing go along with the crowd people, but they weren’t. After they’d gone we’d treat ourselves to a weekend in a nice country hotel to recover! Overall though we had an OK time. ILs could be good company. The first couple of Christmas without them, after all our parents had died, were really strange. But we enjoy our cosy Christmases just the two of us now and can really feel we’ve earned it.

He needs to tell them the truth, not make excuses. Owning the decision as joint and not putting the blame on you of course.

”I’m afraid you were very unpleasant last time you came for Christmas and we can’t risk a repeat.”

or the less confrontational

“We’re happy to meet for a day part way, but I’m afraid hosting you doesn’t work for us”

Yanbu not to host. I think it is important to give in laws "their turn" though. So dinner with them either at their house or at a restaurant would work for me, and should be a few hours rather than a full day.

Surely theres a compromise here. Eg you see them for boxing day, you meet them for a christmas dinner in a pub instead of hosting at home, you have them over for a fancy breakfast then they go home, or supper. Or you go to them and say you'll bring drinks and pudding. Or you get your husband to bite the bullet and say to them that youd love to have them but you dont have the money or energy to do it all themselves, they're welcome but can they bring the drinks / sides etc. and they need to be aware that the kids will be playing all day so there wont be the opportunity to nap unfortunately and the plan for the day will be watching kids tv, family films etc. etc. You may have to be firm and say 'Dave there are 8 of us and we are having a vote about what to watch' or 'I'm not asking the kids to be quiet on christmas day, if you want a nap you're welcome to pop up to the kids bedroom' etc

I think @MorrisZapp has a point.

I also think it's a bit strong to call them 'very unpleasant'. Families do have different habits and expectations - some people will feel very unwelcome if they have to take their shoes off (this is one of those big, polarised debates and there's no right answer IMO). Some people won't expect to bring contributions to dinner. I think FIL expecting people to do as he says/to be able to sleep with children kept quiet isn't great, but he may not have realised this was unreasonable - in my family, my grandpa would have a nap after lunch and we'd all go out for a walk, and we never thought about it as 'keeping the children quiet' - it was just seen as normal that older people might want a bit of quiet just then.

I don’t host anyone in the house who doesn’t want to take shoes off, try to control remote or smoke/vape. It doesn’t matter who they are. They might accidentally be let in once but never again.
I don’t think you are unreasonable if you apply this approach to everyone. I suspect you don’t allow your own parents wear shoes or vape inside so your DH can’t claim unfairness.

So your DH acknowledges that they’re terrible guests, but he just puts them off with excuses and he’s running out of them? He needs to be more direct. Is he afraid of them?
As PPs have suggested, you could offer to go out for Christmas dinner at a restaurant. Nobody has the right to be a guest in someone else’s home, and certainly not if they don’t respect a host’s house rules.

I don't know - they sound really annoying, but they ARE family, and lots of families just are very difficult and annoying. It's part of life. Christmas is usually a time for families and it doesn't seem unreasonable for your DH to want his parents at Christmas time. They are his Mum and Dad and your children's grandparents and their behaviour doesn't sound really awful in the grand scheme of things. That said, it's up to him to manage their behaviour, particularly his Dad's, while they are your guests and you need a frank conversation with him beforehand to set your expectations if PILs are to come. I find it very harsh when posters want to ban visitors out of hand. A sort of LTB for grandparents!

I’d just continue to say no. His parents sounds like a pain in the ass and FIL sounds horrible.
I wouldn’t ruin my Xmas for them.