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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to host Christmas for the Inlaws?

97 replies

Oreosareawful · 02/11/2022 11:05

I always try to be accommodating and fair to all, but I have told my husband under no circumstances am I having his parents over for Christmas again.

We've had them over a few Christmas's now and the last time (2 years ago) was the last straw. FIL is very difficult to get along with, he will plonk himself down on the sofa, take the remote control and we are all expected to do as he says. The last time they spent Christmas with us I was berated for not allowing my MIL to take over the cooking. He takes umbridge at being asked to remove his shoes (we have carpets), will try to vape/use E cigarettes in the house despite being asked to step outside, will not offer to help clean up, will not bring a contribution and the nail in the coffin was that he proceeded to have a nap on our sofa in the afternoon and expected our children (4 & 6) to remain quiet so he could sleep.

I had to go out for a walk to calm down that year (for fear of saying something I'd regret) and explained to my husband when they left that I would not be prepared to have them for Christmas again.

It's been two years and my husband is asking when he can invite them again. I've told him absolutely not and that he is being unreasonable to even ask after last time. He thinks I'm being unfair and says he can't keep making excuses. We have hosted my own parents the last couple of years and it's been noticed.
The difference being that my own parents will entertain the children while I cook. They bring food, wine and will contribute money as they appreciate how much it costs to host. They help with the cleaning up, make no mess and are a pleasure to have around. There is a massive difference in the atmosphere.

We're not hosting anyone this year, but my fairness is being called into question already for next year.

AIBU?

OP posts:
irrate · 02/11/2022 12:16

Yanbu I have already shut down any idea of inlaws coming to ours for Christmas and have told DH under no circumstances am I hosting his sister (who has been a complete cow to me this year and only speaks to DH when she needs something done) her latest boyfriend who no one has even met or his dad ( I would have his dad over anytime because he is lovely unfortunately he won't be allowed down on his own).

Have a nice Christmas with your kids and if your DH wants to see his parents tell him to go ahead.

MrsDThomas · 02/11/2022 12:22

My hosting days are long gone thankfully! I gad an elderly MIL & aunt in law (who never had kids) so encouraged mine to make all the noise they could! My house, my kids and my Christmas invaded all because of DH.

both now dead and for the last 6 years weve had OUR Christmas. And we bloody love it

so STOP thinking you have to host. Don’t do it. If they’re capable of cooking a roast dinner they can stick a cracker on the table and stay home.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 02/11/2022 12:23

All those posters saying if DH wants to see his parents let him go to them and you stay home with DC, what happens if DH wants to take his DC to see them as well?

CrackingcheeseWallace · 02/11/2022 12:31

I'd personally just keep saying 'no'. However, if you've entertained your parents for the last 2 years it does appear unfair. Say yes to them coming but on the proviso that:
a) he doesn't get to use the TV remote control (it gets hidden)
b) he interacts and plays a game (board game? new xmas present?) with the kids
c) allow MIL to help in the kitchen...if she wants to
d) absolute ban on vape and if he must bring it, then you absolutely insist he goes outside otherwise they go home
e) give them a list of items that are needed for the day and ask them what items they intend to bring so nothing is duplicated
f) after sit down lunch, ask him to clear the condiments/load the dishwasher/wipe the table or hand him a tea towel and say you're doing the wiping up!

And tbh, if you have to go to that extent I'd just keep saying no.

What does your DH say when you give him the reasons why you don't want to entertain them?

Minegraft · 02/11/2022 12:37

I can't see anything here that is awful. Not wanting to take your shoes off, hoping for a quiet hour to nap, not realizing you should pay for your dinner as a guest - these are not unforgivable things to end a relationship over. I think you could put up with it for one day every few years for the sake of the family. And I don't always say that at all.

Shiraztonight · 02/11/2022 12:38

Your dh needs to speak with them and take a more part in the hosting but what does he want? Your in-laws are his parents and your parents are his in laws, which often seems forgotten on mumsnet

bodgerandbadgerrr · 02/11/2022 12:41

You have a dh problem not an in law problem.

I don’t understand why he/ you didn’t address it at the time?

invite yourself to there’s or tell dh to book a restaurant and you’ll eat with them there

PeekAtYou · 02/11/2022 12:51

So what happened instead? No Christmas gathering at all or a meal on another day ?

I would fine them annoying too. If you want to do the cooking, you should host yourself, if you want to sleep in peace go to the bedroom etc Did your h do a fair share of the hosting jobs? Not just on the day but making shopping lists and doing the cleaning etc ?

Irishfarmer · 02/11/2022 12:51

I don't think I'd want them around either. Talk to your husband and tell him the reasons you've listed here and see what he thinks about that.

Beamur · 02/11/2022 13:04

My PIL came once for Christmas. Even DH agreed never again! They're not dreadful people but they were dreadful house guests and because they lived 3 hours away would come for a few nights. Similarly, they just tried to behave as if they were in their own home and made very little accommodation for the rest of us!
We didn't have a conversation about it to be honest with just steered the arrangement into staying with them for a few days between Christmas and New Year and having a second Christmas with them. I think we got away with this because our older kids split their time between us and their Mum, so our Christmas arrangements were already tied to other people and PIL were far too polite to make any fuss.
They also preferred us going to them so it worked out ok. Kids got used to Grandad turning off the TV if he thought what they were watching was rubbish and they had covert permission to 'read' in their rooms (with discrete sound volume on devices). DH enjoyed seeing his parents and they were much easier to be around in their own home. I drank a lot of wine.

EstellaRijnveld · 02/11/2022 13:12

Don't host them at home but your husband shouldn't be denied celebrating Christmas with his parents. One way round it is to book Christmas Dinner at a hotel or restaurant. You can all spend a few hours together rather than the whole day & then go home. Might work out as a better compromise solution for your dh.

You'll then see that your fil's behaviour is deliberate at your home. It's very unlikely that he'll lie down on a hotel sofa for an afternoon nap. This will be good for your dh to see that his dad is a deliberate arsehole.

Pumpkinpatchlookinggood · 02/11/2022 13:17

What isn't fair is treating your home like a doss house. If he wants a nap he should have gone home.
Having respectful guests only is fair.

Maybe dh can send them to some sort of class to brush up on their manners?
Suggest dh takes the dc for tea at their home Boxing day.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 02/11/2022 13:25

You have so few Christmases when your children are young.
Being forced to host difficult guests or being forced to spend Christmas Day at someone else's house when you don't want to can be really difficult when it's year after year.
Scheduling visits on an alternative day takes a lot of the angst out of the whole situation, as does meeting on neutral ground.
When we were finally "allowed" to have the actual day with just us and the DC, it was wonderful. Meeting up outside of that is much less pressurised.

SwordToFlamethrower · 02/11/2022 13:29

Your husband can do all the cooking and cleaning. You can sit on the sofa with a glass of your favourite tipple.

Absolutely do not budge from the sofa!

Alternatively, you go out for a nice slap up Christmas meal with your kids and again, your husband can host his parents 😉

Bpdqueen · 02/11/2022 13:53

To be fair everything you mentioned sounds quite normal for families and is the reason people drink at Christmas. Christmas day is once a year and if you have your parents for Christmas aswell it's one day every two years can't you do that for your husband.

OhmygodDont · 02/11/2022 14:04

Yeah wearing shoes in the house means you are not coming in. Also I’d see it as really rude to control another persons tv or sleep on their sofa. Vaping in the house again big no no.

If your that bored or tired go home.

A compromise would be going out for a meal only or they come for the meal only. So arrive 1:30 for a 2pm dinner then leave once it’s done and cleared away. No tv no napping no vaping no shoes.

balalake · 02/11/2022 14:21

Still say no seems reasonable to me. If you do feel that they should come over, do it on a day other than Christmas Day.

Your DH should not make excuses, he should give reasons. The vaping would be enough of a reason for me.

TinaYouFatLard · 02/11/2022 14:30

Going against the grain here but I think your DH has equal say regarding who is invited to your shared home at Christmas. Provided of course, that he contributes fairly to the hosting. I would never tolerate my DH effectively banning my parents from our home, even if they are a PITA.

saraclara · 02/11/2022 14:30

You may have to be firm and say 'Dave there are 8 of us and we are having a vote about what to watch' or 'I'm not asking the kids to be quiet on christmas day, if you want a nap you're welcome to pop up to the kids bedroom' etc

Yes. I'd give them one last chance, but definitely make your expectations clear.
It's your kitchen and you're in control of cooking the meal, and your Christmas day will be child focused, so they will be your priority when it comes to TV and playing with their gifts. A bedroom will be available for anyone who wants to nap.

Soniastrumped · 02/11/2022 14:36

It sounds difficult, so why don’t you start a tradition of not hosting anyone, just having DH and DC’s at home.

I actually get on with my in-laws, but they have their annoying ways, they usually come at Christmas, I would love it just to be me DH and DC’s.

thing47 · 02/11/2022 14:38

I would say there's a mixture of things I could live with and things I couldn't @Oreosareawful. I can't get worked up about people wearing shoes indoors if that makes them feel more comfortable, nor would I necessarily expect them to bring a contribution (though perfectly reasonable to ask them to bring the wine or dessert or cheese) and I would happily assign some kitchen tasks to MIL!

But vaping indoors would be an absolute no-no, I would literally push FIL outside if he tried that. And if he wants a nap he has to understand that you won't be keeping the DCs quiet on Christmas Day to accommodate him, and he doesn't get to control the TV either.

DoraSpenlow · 02/11/2022 14:42

We have had a similar conversation this morning but about my BIL and SIL. They would have to stay for a few days as they live 4 hours away.

I don't dislike them but they do absolutely nothing, bring nothing, contribute nothing. SIL in particular. She waddles in (hugely overweight), plonks herself down in DH's favourite chair and there she stays. Doesn't even help clear the table after meals. BIL will clear the table and bring stuff through to the kitchen.

The last time they came MIL was still alive. Early evening we asked if anyone wanted a sandwich or piece of cake. BIL and SIL put their orders in and continued wacthing TV. MIL (mid 90s) got to her feet and said in a loud voice, I'll come and sort mine out, you are not waiting on me, glaring at SIL as she walked past.

I've said he can ask them but that we are not going to spend all the time in the kitchen this time. We can get food ready but they will have to clear away and stack the dishwasher.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 02/11/2022 15:03

I would hate to have my nice Christmas Day ruined by these oblivious, self-centered people.

What about shifting the gatherings to Boxing Day?

NoSki · 02/11/2022 15:06

You owe your in-laws nothing. They will not change and your FIL believes he is a man and superior to you. Suggest they pop round for a meal on Boxing Day or Christmas Eve only or you to them if near. Tell them they are not welcome if th et expect kids to not be comfortable in their own home. Well your DH needs to tell them

girlfriend44 · 02/11/2022 15:14

Minegraft · 02/11/2022 12:37

I can't see anything here that is awful. Not wanting to take your shoes off, hoping for a quiet hour to nap, not realizing you should pay for your dinner as a guest - these are not unforgivable things to end a relationship over. I think you could put up with it for one day every few years for the sake of the family. And I don't always say that at all.

Yes and the problem is when you point things out to other people it ends in a row because they then point out your faults and all he'll breaks loose then you don't want to speak again.
I also don't see the difficulty in going for a walk with the kids after lunch if the older ones want to have a sleep.

If your asked not to vape in someone's house though and you do that's different.