To not want to host Christmas for the Inlaws?

[Oreosareawful]

I always try to be accommodating and fair to all, but I have told my husband under no circumstances am I having his parents over for Christmas again.

We've had them over a few Christmas's now and the last time (2 years ago) was the last straw. FIL is very difficult to get along with, he will plonk himself down on the sofa, take the remote control and we are all expected to do as he says. The last time they spent Christmas with us I was berated for not allowing my MIL to take over the cooking. He takes umbridge at being asked to remove his shoes (we have carpets), will try to vape/use E cigarettes in the house despite being asked to step outside, will not offer to help clean up, will not bring a contribution and the nail in the coffin was that he proceeded to have a nap on our sofa in the afternoon and expected our children (4 & 6) to remain quiet so he could sleep.

I had to go out for a walk to calm down that year (for fear of saying something I'd regret) and explained to my husband when they left that I would not be prepared to have them for Christmas again.

It's been two years and my husband is asking when he can invite them again. I've told him absolutely not and that he is being unreasonable to even ask after last time. He thinks I'm being unfair and says he can't keep making excuses. We have hosted my own parents the last couple of years and it's been noticed.
The difference being that my own parents will entertain the children while I cook. They bring food, wine and will contribute money as they appreciate how much it costs to host. They help with the cleaning up, make no mess and are a pleasure to have around. There is a massive difference in the atmosphere.

We're not hosting anyone this year, but my fairness is being called into question already for next year.

AIBU?

Exactly the same here. I live in dread of them coming to be honest, my MIL is so critical, unkind & toxic all round. (In fairness she hasn’t been terrible to me, it’s much worse for her actual children & their partners who have been around for longer). I love FIL but he isn’t great with noise & gets very moody (I mean it’s Christmas Day, children, there’s noise). Also they bring their dogs & despite me always saying they can’t sleep on our bed (we always give up our bed for them as we would for anyone) every single time they will take the dogs up there regardless. The boiling rage for me is they usually arrive Christmas Day but several hours later than agreed & get the hump that we don’t make the children wait for them to arrive before opening gifts. AS IF. They are up at 5am latest, there’s no way I’m expecting them to wait 7 or 8 hours to see what Father Christmas brought. They could be here on time if they wanted to! They could stay Xmas Eve but they like to visit a friend instead which is fine. I’d happily keep 1/2 the presents back if they could be here by 9/10am but this has never been achieved.
This year they called & told me they’d be arriving Xmas day morning & leaving Boxing Day night. However DH’s brother & his children had already been invited and due to an issue between MIL & him that we weren’t aware of at the time (DH is the only child of her 5 that still speaks to her now) she’s withdrawn her self-invitation & hasn’t spoken to me since, and I am now blocked on Instagram & WhatsApp too. Which is actually wonderful.

Sounds like a couple of freeloaders.

YANBU

if it’s just for the one day - just drink more wine and think that they’ll be going soon!
I have a similar problem with MIL but I just open another bottle of Prosecco - whilst dancing round the kitchen as DH does the veg and DC play in their rooms -
MIL sit in front room with tv on and never offers to help (they’ve never peeled a carrot in the 22 years they’ve been coming) - only downside is I have been known to feel a little poorly after Xmas dinner so I take myself off to bed, watch tv or read my new book that I’ve got for XMAS normally with another bottle! I think I get the better end of the deal really!
the only thing I really hate is the kids come into our bed with their stockings and open them there but she ‘hangs’ around outside the bedroom watching (which I’ve always found weird but I’m not inviting her into bed with us!) 😂

NannyOgg

Nap after dinner fine, telling the children in their own home to be quiet so you can nap is NOT fine.

Go to a spare bedroom. 🙄🙄🙄

Oh, that's ridiculous

After a Christmas lunch I could sleep through an earthquake! The day should be about the children

But I think that poster objected to the whole idea of him napping.

Because it’s rude to fall asleep on someone else’s sofa at say 3/4pm in the afternoon. I’d never sleep on my in-laws sofa no matter how much Christmas dinner I’ve had. I’d go home. Nobody needs or wants to hear you snoring or possibly farting after the Brussels and tip toeing around you. Just go home and sleep.

Agree.

It's about insisting on silence.

Nodding off forca bit is normal.

Expecting to nap in silence is not.

Depends on how comfortable you are with family I suppose.

What does your MIL do? Seems unfair to punish her because her husband is a twat.

Your husband needs to work a bit harder. His dad wants to nap? Your husband should insist he goes to the bedroom.
Insist beforehand that vaping happens outside.

Honestly it’s fine to nap post lunch with family. Here we all do it . Parents , family friend and grandparent all happily having a boozy snooze with full tummies to a Christmas movie while the children happily play with new Christmas toys or watch the film.

I would go for Christmas Day anyway where I couldn’t relax.

Napping is fine, but this, from the OP, is not

"he proceeded to have a nap on our sofa in the afternoon and expected our children (4 & 6) to remain quiet so he could sleep."

...so the kids didn't get to happily play with their new Christmas toys

Vaping in the house and expecting young kids (or anyone) to be quiet on Christmas afternoon because they've fallen asleep on the sofa in the lounge are the two big no-nos for me!

Apart from the smoking you could have been talking about my FIL..... who the hell decides to nap on the couch in the loungeroom and have everyone around them be quiet to facilitate it!! Makes me so angry!

YANBU but it's only one day of the year so you might just have to have them over (said with gritted teeth lol). Set a time for it though, ie, " PIL, lunch is at 12, could you arrive at 11 to do presents and we have to be at my parents for dinner at 6" .

It's clearly the expectation of keeping the kids quiet that is the issue.

My FIL does the same, takes over the entire couch so no one else can use it and goes to sleep..... while MIL shushes my kids (from the time they were born) the entire time so as not to disturb him. It's ridiculous to expect a whole house to keep quiet to facilitate someone sleeping on the couch during a busy day.

Same if my FIL's phone rings, he doesn't move away from the table, he answers the phone and expects everyone else to stop talking while he has his phone call.

Completely agree. I would never allow people that rude to come to my home for the holidays, or any other time, especially when it harms the children. They obviously have no clue what it truly means to be a guest in someone’s home. DD needs to put down the remote, leave his shoes at the door, go outside to vape, and stop being a general AH. The kids see his behavior and will think it’s ok to behave like that in someone else’s home.

YANBU

Much of that is annoying, combined it would be hellish but expecting children to keep quiet on Xmas Day is a red line. Good for you OP. It’s fair because you’re not hosting anyone this year and “fair” is what you determine to be appropriate behaviour in your own home.

If MIL wants to cook they can stay on their own or invite other people. In my house chef (me) delegates tasks if they want/need help. I enjoy it and don’t feel put out as everyone is very happy to muck in without overstepping.

He has zero respect.

I remember one year hosting a lot of people. I’m a big foodie but my family won’t let me get away with buying everything and want to contribute if they’re staying. So I did a mini spreadsheet and everyone got to choose stuff they wanted to bring - Xmas crackers, condiments, crisps, different drinks and mixers etc. ie. all the non-perishables. Aside from cost it also significantly cut down the stress of shopping and people loved giving over their mini hampers and explaining what they’d brought - was really good!

We solved the shoes thing by giving everyone that was staying slippers on Christmas Eve as an early present. Worked a treat.
Christmas can be made really shit by having people to stay that are not good at being house guests. My parents im looking at you. But tk not have them would cause a lot of hurt and probably an argument. I try to see Christmas as the whole season and enjoy it like that-Christmas day is not my favourite but due to hosting, but it's only one day of it and we make sure we do lots of nice things around it to make up for it.

I think it's unfair to host your own family only. As others have said you need to state the rules in advance. No vaping, no shoes and no telling their dgc to be quiet. You could allow the mil to help but if it makes you feel uncomfortable ask her to have fun with the children. My late mil spat out my brie and cranberry starter one Christmas and said it was disgusting! But my fil said it was the best meal he'd ever had after we'd finished eating. He received a look for that! Miss them both now they've passed away, hearts of gold.

I think you should invite them too, but your DH needs to remind them of the house rules when inviting them - "we'd love you to come, but remember the house rules dad - we take shoes off and you definitely can't vape in the house!"
Ask them to bring something with them.

DH's job on the day can be to keep his mum out of the kitchen and they can all entertain the children.

It's a bit more than shoes and vaping though, isn't it?

"FIL is very difficult to get along with, he will plonk himself down on the sofa, take the remote control and we are all expected to do as he says. The last time they spent Christmas with us I was berated for not allowing my MIL to take over the cooking. He takes umbridge at being asked to remove his shoes (we have carpets), will try to vape/use E cigarettes in the house despite being asked to step outside, will not offer to help clean up, will not bring a contribution and the nail in the coffin was that he proceeded to have a nap on our sofa in the afternoon and expected our children (4 & 6) to remain quiet so he could sleep."

Fuck that shit. Actions have consequences. He's an unpleasant 'guest', inviting him would be an act of masochistic martyrdom.

“Fuck that shit. Actions have consequences. He's an unpleasant 'guest', inviting him would be an act of masochistic martyrdom.”

I mostly agree with this. The alternative is to make sure DH tells Dad the rules, adding that if they screw up, they will be asked to go home, even in the middle of the day, if they can’t act right.