To not want to host Christmas for the Inlaws?

[Oreosareawful]

I always try to be accommodating and fair to all, but I have told my husband under no circumstances am I having his parents over for Christmas again.

We've had them over a few Christmas's now and the last time (2 years ago) was the last straw. FIL is very difficult to get along with, he will plonk himself down on the sofa, take the remote control and we are all expected to do as he says. The last time they spent Christmas with us I was berated for not allowing my MIL to take over the cooking. He takes umbridge at being asked to remove his shoes (we have carpets), will try to vape/use E cigarettes in the house despite being asked to step outside, will not offer to help clean up, will not bring a contribution and the nail in the coffin was that he proceeded to have a nap on our sofa in the afternoon and expected our children (4 & 6) to remain quiet so he could sleep.

I had to go out for a walk to calm down that year (for fear of saying something I'd regret) and explained to my husband when they left that I would not be prepared to have them for Christmas again.

It's been two years and my husband is asking when he can invite them again. I've told him absolutely not and that he is being unreasonable to even ask after last time. He thinks I'm being unfair and says he can't keep making excuses. We have hosted my own parents the last couple of years and it's been noticed.
The difference being that my own parents will entertain the children while I cook. They bring food, wine and will contribute money as they appreciate how much it costs to host. They help with the cleaning up, make no mess and are a pleasure to have around. There is a massive difference in the atmosphere.

We're not hosting anyone this year, but my fairness is being called into question already for next year.

AIBU?

Tell your husband he can explain why they aren't welcome again, or you will and you won't be as nice about it as him. His choice.

I told my exH this and he called my bluff thinking I wouldn't. I did. I told hee unfortunately the last time you visited it was very stressful on account of you trying to do X in the house, trying to parent over me and making passive aggressive comments to me and because of that we won't be having you to visit again on special occasions. My own parents do not treat exH that way which is why they are still welcome to visit. To be fair after that he did get way better at confronting rude behaviour in his own (gentle but clear) way and things improved. I won't be disrespected in my own home that is my line in the sand.

They sound rude and controlling. It sounds like they want to have Christmas how they want but not do any of the hard graft to make it happen. Instead leaving you to do it. They need to be told their behaviour is unacceptable and they need to not; monopolise the TV, vape in the house etc. I get the vibe they wouldn’t be open to that, either stropping about it or rocking up at your house and behaving how they always do

Book a hotel and say cheerio at the end. Go out. Do not have this behaviour one such a busy day.

I agree that you can’t ban your IL from coming, your DH has as much right as you to say who is invited. However he needs to grow a back bone, state the rules and follow through with them.

If your shoes aren’t off you are not coming in
No vaping.
If he wants to snooze, go ahead, no one will be stopping the kids enjoying themselves to facilitate this- find a bed instead.
Find your MIL a job (that suits you) to keep her busy. She is probably grateful that she isn’t stuck at home with the FIL.

Fingers crossed, if they are made to stick to the rules, rather than walking all over, you they are less likely to want to come again next year😂

You owe your in-laws nothing.

Rather a sad way to look at things. They produced and brought up the man you fell in love with and married. I'm grateful to mine for that, even if they could be bloody hard work.

You complain they don't help but you won't let them help cook? Shoes on carpet and a nap is none issue really unless muddy shoes or buy them slipper to wear as xmas gift my mil helps cook and my fil always has a nap after dinner its just who he is and he is old and ill you sound very uptight, and I hate ppl bringing anything over as I like to be organised well in advance

Shoes off is an absolute must in our house, no way would I let anyone through the door with their outdoor shoes on. Your house, your rules.

Yes they are family but you and your children are entitled to have an enjoyable Christmas. If DH wants to invite them why not ask him to invite them over for boxing day and leave him in charge.

I've categorically said no to having MIL at ours because she's very hard work, she doesn't celebrate Christmas and we have two young children who take priority. If DH wants to invite her for a post Christmas/NYE absolute visit fine, but I want to enjoy my Christmas.

Wouldn't it be better if the DH hosted his own bloody parents and OP got a break by going up to her parents for the day?

What does what you allow/like have anything to do with OP?

They won't do anything. Just tell DH they can't come.

What about what’s fair to you and DCs?

ExFIL was very similar, ExH would never say a word, I ended up piping up, which resulted in ExFIL exploding at me. Still not a word from ExH.

Not a fucking chance I was expecting my very young DDs to be silent through Christmas dinner, and whilst he controlled the TV/napped. Miserable experience all round, but it was all ExH knew.

Our parents used to bring their slippers when they came for xmas as we didnt like shoes indoors.The tv remained switched off so they could concentrate on playing with the dcs and their new toys while we prepared lunch. TV and naps came after the parents had helped with the ckearing up. Then drinks and chocolate and games in the evening. It worked well because everyone pitched in to help.

YANBU.

There is no way I would have a man like your FIL vaping in my house and telling my children to be quiet on Christmas day as he sleeps on the sofa.

Not a chance in hell.

Well it would be unfair to always have your parents over in future and his never, but you clearly need to explain to DH what the issue is. Would he then do anything about it?

I don’t understand why you can’t just say something when he does stuff you so strongly disagree with. He’s your husband’s dad and it’s unreasonable for you not to allow him in your house just because he annoys you. But tell DH he can do the hosting and don’t do any more planning, food shopping etc than he does when your parents come. So probably none. If FiL changes the channel you change it back and tell him you/the kids were watching that. They walk away from the table - you ask them to help clear up because it’s your Christmas too. He asks the kids to be quiet - you say no, they can make what noise they like in their home on Christmas day. Just politely stand up for yourself and your kids about anything that’s unreasonable but let your husband crack on with his turn to host his family just like you’ve had your turns.

Could you all go out for Christmas Lunch and then go home in different directions?

It seems like it's important to your husband, so do you think you could give it one more chance but on a different occasion (e.g. Easter) as a sort of trial run? DH sets out the rules beforehand e.g. that there's no vaping in the house, no shoes on the carpet, the kids get to choose the TV, and if he wants to nap he goes upstairs or deals with the noise. Then see how Easter goes. After all, if he isn't told, is he getting a chance to put it right?

Why not invite them and your parents over. Say to PIL
"Great you can come, theres going to be 6 adults & 2 children, can you bring desert and a bottle of wine. My Parents will bring the starters and a bottle of wine and we'll organise the rest. We will be eating at X time to give the children plenty of time to play with all their new toys and will put the TV on to watch [whatever film] to chill out to"

Basically set out what you want them to contribute and the agenda for the day to suit you & your children.

I had to do this with my ILs because they are from another country with different customs. These days our Christmas includes customs from both with family tweets to make them work for us.

Tell your husband to tell them that if they want Christmas with you, then they are welcome to host dinner and you will bring a contribution and help like any good guest should. If they don’t want to host at home, then they can provide Christmas dinner out.

Your DH does deserve to spend some christmases with his parents but he needs to put some effort in by talking to them about it instead of just agreeing with what they want.

Stand your ground with them, they will have to learn the hard way.

Blimey!
Older person needs a nap after his Christmas dinner horror!

It's normal...

"He thinks I'm being unfair and says he can't keep making excuses."

I'd tell him that he's to stop making excuses immediately, and tell his dad plainly the reason they will never be invited for Christmas again. Ever. 'You were such an obnoxious knob dad, why on earth would you think we'd ruin Christmas by having you there again?'

I think your in laws behaviour was unacceptable but you could consider trying to work through the issues rather than simply refusing. You DH clearly wants to spend Xmas day with his parents and maybe your children would also like to spend time with them.

You could speak to them and say “we’d love to spend time with you at Christmas but just to ensure everyone can relax and enjoy themselves we want to say that we cannot tolerate vaping in the house. We would also prefer no shoes to be worn in carpeted areas so could we provide you with some slippers for the day? We understand that sometimes people nod off after a big dinner but would you mind nipping upstairs if you need silence?” Then ask what is important to them. Games, a specific programme or favourite tipple is fine to request.

Having someone “help” with a precision timing and planned meal isn’t always helpful but perhaps you could request support with stirring gravy or whipping cream? mil might not have contributed food or money but this might be her way of helping.

Im not undermining the last Christmas with them (which sounds hideous) but maybe it’s worth trying to work through the issues?

If all else fails book a pub.

So many posts about bad behaviour from IL's etc. I honestly don't see the problem. If your FIL tries to hog the telly, you say "no it doesn't work like that" and take the remote control off him. If he tries shushing your kids so he can sleep, you say "off you go upstairs and lie down for a nap, the kids are not going to creep around in silence on Christmas day." If MIL wants to help cook dinner, find a wee job for her to let her think she's helping. Of course this all relies on your partner backing you up...

Clearly it's not the nap that's the issue @Nanny0gg it's the fact that the FIL expects the DCs to be quiet while he takes it. On Christmas Day. And the kids are 6 and 4. I mean, really?