To feel drained by ILS staying

[Annierosetexas]

We usually have them here twice a year for DH sake. A week each time. I know it’s the right thing to do but I really don’t enjoy a moment of it and dread it beforehand, I find it so draining. Reasons include -

CONSTANT talk of politics - they have strong views. FIL reads his newspaper - this comes above everything else and he will read bits aloud to MIL so they can both rant enragedly at various stories. They bring their politics into everything. I could point at a man walking his dog out the window and they would make a political point. It is exhausting and must be doubly so for them.

They are so messy. Came home from work yesterday to newspapers everywhere, dirty mugs, disgusting sink. I cannot bear to look into our bedroom where they are sleeping as the one time I did it was horrible - wet towels, papers and clothes and dirty mugs on every surface, grim.

They ignore our DCs mainly but never shut up about how amazing their other DGCs are.

MIL never ever stops talking. We are on pull out couch in spare room and it’s my only escape. She gets up at 7 and is there talking at me till 10 at night.

They are really quite boring and tell the same stories over and over again.

As DH says they may not be around much longer so we have to do it but this time has really felt like an ordeal. They leave tomorrow.

Anyone else find hosting ILs an endurance test?

You need to sort out the bedroom situation. Your bedroom is your sanctuary - to have them 'invading' and disrespecting your home is one thing, but having them in your personal space will absolutely not help.

Before they come the next time get a bed they can sleep on in the spare room, even if it's a frame bed that you take to bits in the meantime. Not ideal but it's better than having them in your space!

How old are your kids?

Yanbu, OP. A week is a long time to host people who don’t bother to clear up after themselves. The constant chatter and inability to have down time is draining and I’d be out the door for long walks and going to be early. Some folk argue that you need to be tolerant because you’ll be old one day and how would you feel if your children felt this about you? Well hopefully you wouldn’t dump yourself on them for a week and expect to be waited on and listened to constantly.

I used to hate it when FIL came to visit, and he didnt even stay in our house!

I get so bored of hearing the same (usually racist stories over and over again. Hearing how awful the english are (I'm English, they're Scottish), how the "darkies" have ruined everything. Then follows the stories of how ridiculous it is that DH helps with the kids, he's the man of the house dont I know, and despite us both working full time only I should deal with the kids, whilst also running behind FILs every whim. All this whilst FIL sits drinking whiskey and red wine at 8am.

So glad he refuses to cross the border any more so doesnt stay here, and I put my foot down about not staying up there many years ago.

I would say if you can grin and bare it, for DHs sake then do so. But give yourself plenty of opportunity to get away. I was never allowed to escape the house when FIL visited as it was "rude".

Thanks everyone. They have gone. New sheets on our bed and everything nice and clean. Blissful silence reigns. Have never appreciated my bedroom so much!!!! Will be taking on board some of these tips for next time which thankfully won’t be till summer and hopefully better weather so less claustrophobic!!

I have an idea OP. Why don;t you not host them at all but book a couple of 4 day breaks away with them instead? That way they get to see all of you twice a year but in a different setting where you can be occupied with the kids and there might be loads of different stuff to do.Inlaws would think its a proper holiday and somethng to really look forward too,You dont get them visiting so thats a win but everyone still sees everyone too. I would look to book for a couple of weekends away at the coast on a holiday park,grab 2 caravans next to each other so both of you have space and privacy and enjoy the days out with entertainment chucked in to keep everyone occupied.Butlins and sun 9.50 sun holidays are made for this! Just a different way of thinking about how this could work for all of you..

I absolutely feel your pain OP. I used to have a partner 20 odd years ago where he was from Southern England, me from the Midlands. We bought a house in the Midlands as he said he fancied a change. After moving in, his parents would come and visit regularly. Every weekend at one point. Sometimes for 3 days, some 4 days. I started to become unbearable.

I got to see their true colours sadly, and it really did affect our relationship. One time they visited, for just the day, I went out for the whole time
they was there, I just needed an escape and to get away from them. They were such nasty, judgemental people. Always taking the piss out of my midlands accent. I took myself off shopping and to visit family for the day, it was great.

when I returned the nasty in-laws had gone back home thankfully. The only problem was, my other half at the time told me his parents were fuming at me, for not being there when they visited. So the next time they was up to visit, I was there, and they completely blanked me. They never spoke two words to me. They was there in my house for two days straight and ignored me the whole DAMN time! I was taken back by how they was reacting to me going out for a day on my own.

this did cause alright friction, no only with them but my partner too. Eventually I ended the relationship, I couldn’t bare his parents.

Just be careful your in laws don’t make you feel worthless and like a piece of shit. Your DH will no doubt defend his parents all the way, but just make sure it don’t interfere with your marriage. If they’re really old and haven’t got long, he obviously wants to be with them as much as possible. Just try to grin and bare them, while they’re there. As hard as it is, I know! It’s just something we have to do if we live away from one another’s parents. It’s part and parcel of being a couple.

good luck!

Perhaps the hubby could go and stay with them for a week twice a year instead? 🤔

There's no way I'd be doing this twice a year in my own home.

This is actually a really great idea. Assuming op can afford to

Thinking about my parents and as much as I love them, I could understand how a week at a time would be too much for dh. But on the other hand knowing if I were forced to go to one week a year how much it would upset me. I couldn’t bear the idea that if they died it may have been 10 months since they last stayed.

You are not being unreasonable. Hosting ANYONE in your home is tough - not just IL's.

Here is some advice from someone whose been there, done that.
Do not book a hotel for them - that is rude and will only make tensions worse. Instead fix up the room in your home to accommodate their habits. I did this for my sister and her two children - they were pigs and trashed my guest room ONCE. Their next visit brought about changes they thought were FANTASTIC because it made them feel special. They were special alright lol.

For example, buy plastic tablecloths to protect your furniture, something like oil cloth. Cut it down to fit the top of each furniture piece - nightstand, desk etc. Buy a basket to hold small soaps, small bottles of shampoo, conditioner, their washcloths. Give them their own towels folded or rolled nicely and placed at the foot of the bed.

No snacks - you don't want to encourage eating in the bedroom.

Put a hamper in the room with a note asking them to put wet towels and dirty clothes here for washing every other day.

Add waste cans on EACH side of the bed, one next to the desk or dresser, one by the door etc. Leave a note or tell them to please use the waste baskets and you will empty them every day.
Buy a cheap duvet cover, sheets and pillowcases for their visits knowing that it is going to be ruined by the end of the week. Throw it out or use it for the dog after they leave.
Buy small rugs to put next to each side of the bed or wherever they sit and make a mess - it will protect your carpet. My piggy sister sat on the edge of the bed to do her makeup (powder) which she inevitably spilled onto white carpet...ruined...

Lastly, stay busy so you are not forced to sit around listening to their nonsense for a week. Run "errands" (go window shopping), stay busy in the kitchen, walk the dog etc. Let hubby entertain them for hours on end.

It is a bit of effort on your part but saves your sanity, reduces anxiety and should keep you from fighting with hubby and his parents. It's also passive aggressive but that's how I roll LOL

You just have to suck it up as it’s important to your DH and as annoying as they sound they are harmless

It is twice a year. Yes, it is aggravation and gross but it's for your hubs.