To feel drained by ILS staying

[Annierosetexas]

We usually have them here twice a year for DH sake. A week each time. I know it’s the right thing to do but I really don’t enjoy a moment of it and dread it beforehand, I find it so draining. Reasons include -

CONSTANT talk of politics - they have strong views. FIL reads his newspaper - this comes above everything else and he will read bits aloud to MIL so they can both rant enragedly at various stories. They bring their politics into everything. I could point at a man walking his dog out the window and they would make a political point. It is exhausting and must be doubly so for them.

They are so messy. Came home from work yesterday to newspapers everywhere, dirty mugs, disgusting sink. I cannot bear to look into our bedroom where they are sleeping as the one time I did it was horrible - wet towels, papers and clothes and dirty mugs on every surface, grim.

They ignore our DCs mainly but never shut up about how amazing their other DGCs are.

MIL never ever stops talking. We are on pull out couch in spare room and it’s my only escape. She gets up at 7 and is there talking at me till 10 at night.

They are really quite boring and tell the same stories over and over again.

As DH says they may not be around much longer so we have to do it but this time has really felt like an ordeal. They leave tomorrow.

Anyone else find hosting ILs an endurance test?

It sounds tough but like others say you just have to endure it. My in-laws are lovely people but completely exhaust me every time I see them. They're abroad and I'm with them about 6 weeks per year. I just put my feelings aside - they're family and mean the world to DH and the children. That's all that matters.

I feel your pain OP. My in-laws are exactly the same. They treat our house like a hotel, leave stuff in every room, constantly wanting drinks- coffee before 1pm and alcohol after that, meals need to be on their schedule but won’t eat the same things so you end up making two different meals every day. FIL is loud, won’t shut up (even worse after a drink) and tells the same boring stories and MIL is needy the whole time (will I do her hair, paint her nails etc). It’s exhausting. Much like yourself, I smile, nod and count down the minutes until they leave!

I can empathise OP.

But your DH is right. They won’t be coming to stay for long more and it is a good example to your kids if nothing else.

Ignore people saying to book a hotel for them or put them on a pullout. That isn’t respectful to elderly people.

Try to think of ways to make it more tolerable. Could they cut it down to five or six days? Can you (and your DH) organise trips for them? Can you bring them to see a play,/concert/historical talk one evening? Take them to a restaurant one evening? The cinema?
I think hanging around at home is exhausting particularly when they talk at you. I’d suggest early nights too!

"Isn't respectful to elderly people." . What utter shite. Where is their respect for op's home? Sounds like you have Onslow staying!
My ils once insisted they stay. They had tried for years to not leave.
I had 3 dc in 3 years and bf.. No way was I giving up my bed. They slept on the 2 sofas. Didn't ask again.
Shudder to imagine if they had got their arses cosy in our bed!

2 weeks a year isn't much and it makes me sad to see all the posters saying can't you see less of them. Most of us on Mumsnet have children. Can we really imagine only seeing them 2 weeks a year in the future. We're all annoying in our own ways and no doubt we'll annoy our future son and daughter in laws and they'll dread our visits too. I'm so pleased my DH really values family and welcomes my parents with open arms, despite all their annoying foibles!

Why can't they make their own drinks? Why doesn't DH run around after them rather than you?

I actually think a week is quite a long time for house guests, particularly guests like your ILs. I don't have a problem with my in-laws, it's my DM who is the non-stop talker. As someone who is most definitely not much of a talker, it drives me insane. Even when I'm clearly trying to concentrate on something/on the phone, the taking just never stops, she'll just say whatever is in her head, regardless. Is it possible to shorten their visits somehow? I think I'd find an extra visit a year, but visits of 4-5 days max, much more tolerable. Can you visit them instead, so you can control the timeframe?

It doesn't sound like the ILs are putting any effort into being less annoying though. If they don't clear up after themselves and never help out, it's a wonder they get involved at all. The OP and her DH isn't obliged to invite them to stay just because they're DHs parents. If they're terrible guests, they can't really complain about it. Any normal person would make an effort to not be a decent house guest and not too much of a burden, whoever they stay with. If the ILs had made an effort, but the OP just found them irritating, then you'd have a point. But they sound like they're beyond just irritating, they're actual arseholes, and arseholes aren't entitled to an invite imo.

So they are visiting their son and his family just 14 days in a whole year and you are ranting? You have children, you will grow old one day. Will you be satisfied after just seeing them 14 days in a year? Or would you want more time with them? I am assuming you are working, so you cannot be with them 24/7. Old people do repeat themselves, they probably dont have a lot of stuff to talk about.

What goes around comes around

Sorry, there was loads garbled in that post! They need to make an effort to be decent house guests, or they can't expect to be invited to stay.

Can you not visit them instead for say 3/4 nights and stay in a hotel? That way you have somewhere to escape to.

@Obki DH is really good- they have us both on the go. FIL has always been lazy and has never lifted a finger- MIL has waited on him hand and foot the whole time they have been married. Now she’s getting older I think she likes coming to us for the rest. She’s in her 80s and not as steady as she used to be. I’d probably have more sympathy if she wasn’t so demanding.

Thanks all, some good advice here! I think I do just have to suck it up. DH also finds them exhausting and is very good about tidying up and the other day actually asked MIL to just sit quietly with her book as she was just talking and fussing so much! But I think for next time I’ll probably make an effort to have more things planned for me to get me out the house and play dates for kids as they also find ILs very tiring.

‘Can you not tell them “I’ve heard that story already” or “we’ve agree not to discuss religion or politics this time , as it just gets everyone upset, ha ha”. No reason why they should rule the airwaves.’

Haha I actually do say ‘Yes,you have’ now when they say ‘have I told you the story about....’ but still they go on and tell them!

I also forgot to say, and I feel so mean saying it, that MIL is without parallel the most disgusting eater I have ever met in my life. I cannot enjoy a meal at the table with her. She slobbers and smacks her lips even between bites. It makes my stomach turn and also gives me irrational rage. The other day DH made us a lovely dinner and I could barely eat it as the noises were so revolting. She also makes these noises when she is not eating ie when she is concentrating. I find it almost unbearable!!!

But ultimately I would hate for my ds and his future dil to not want me and DH around when we are elderly, neither PIL is in great health so I really don’t think it will be much longer. It is such an endurance test though, I’m genuinely counting down the hours.

Why can’t you just ask them to clean up after themselves and respect your house? Why don’t you ask them why they don’t seem to be interested in your DCs? No point just resenting them - find out and discuss it like grown ups.

PS I don’t have my parents, so they are dc only grandparents.

Wtaf? Book THEM into the premier in or a bnb- like fuck would I ever give up my bed, let alone to people who trash it!

this is the last time @Annierosetexas dont do this to yourself again. Book them into a hotel and tell them to pop round for meals or whatever suits you

They are elderly and deteriorating so I’m glad you have decided to put up with it for now as graciously as possible.
Old age brings with it a lot of very varied health problems which manifest themselves in what can be seen as unhygienic ways eg eyesight fails, energy and motivation changes, hearing problems, bowel and bladder dysfunction, balance is shaky and dental/chewing problems begin at some stage. It really does take a massive understanding and isn’t for everybody especially if they become forgetful, repetitive and demanding. Senile dementia creeps in silently sometimes without anybody noticing. It’s worth saying it’s really not nice for them either and can lead to depression/ grumpiness etc.
i do agree with a previous poster about getting a proper spare bed for them next time if at all possible. Giving up your precious bed and bedroom would be too much for me ….even if they were the perfect guests. You do need to be able to retreat your own room with your own things.
For the rest, work as a very close team with your DH. Plan well ahead. Communicate. Organise the days down to the last waking hour. Have him nip into their room to pick up after them and make the bed and wipe round in the bathroom. Make an excuse to cut it down to 6 nights instead of 7. They can then still call it a week.
It’s really hard work but hopefully in some small corner of their minds, they are appreciative….and as you say, it won’t be for ever.
Also, is it possible they could benefit from a week’s holiday in an all-inclusive hotel with a lovely view or some kind of entertainment ..and like-minded guests.

Do you have a B&B near you? If you do, that's where I would be 'treating' them for a stay when they next come to visit. They can go to sleep in a proper bed as can you. They can plan their days around what they want to do rather than just sitting in your living room vocalising their politics to anyone who will listen.
They should get out and about for at least one walk per day, are they doing that? I'd promote that for the good of their health if you haven't.

Do you have a dishwasher? If you do, show them how to load it.
Or you could say to your FiL "Hey John, be a dear and grab a tea towel would you? I have all of these cups to wash and you can dry them and put them back in the cupboard for us. Thanks ever so much" or "Hey Mary, you would be such a help if you did X or Y for us? (like putting away the condiments from the dinner table). Did DH show you where they go? Yes, that's right, in that press there. Thanks ever so much"

Your DH playing the "well they won't be around forever" card isn't exactly playing fair. If they are in their 70's and early 80's, they could be around for another 10+ years.

Oh I hear you op

FIL is due to come for three nights in November and I'm already trying to think of excuses to be out of the house

This!! You really are not being unreasonable!

Yeah the typical dumb childish MN response.

@Annierosetexas i feel for you and agree it can be tiring but it’s 2 1 week visits so see it as a sacrifice for your husbands whose parents will not be here for much longer.

maybe try to subtly tell them you’re not interim political discussions or frame it as let’s have a quiet time with no politics etc if not start ignoring and don’t engage.

How is it dumb and childish to suggest DH look after his own parents instead of OP running around after them?

Typical misogynist crap.

I also have a hard time when my ILs stay, which is usually for several weeks as we live on the other side of the world from them. I think it's hardest bc dh won't take the full period off work, and as I work part time around childcare, I bear the brunt of it while dh is away at the office.

They're coming again in the next few months and I've told dh he has to take the full period off as leave. He's committed to that thankfully and understands the reasons why.

They spend the whole time asking me inane questions that they could easily Google while I'm wrangling small kids, don't engage with the kids hardly at all, and pass judgment on the way I keep my home. My mil is particularly house proud and can't understand how others don't live to her standards. They also don't listen to me when I talk to them so I can never be sure they'll do something I've asked of them. It's utterly exhausting.

We used to get on so well 10-15 years ago but I think age and covid isolation has changed them. It's sad really.

Ps my own parents aren't the easiest either, so definitely not saying mine are any better! They live closer so don't stay for long periods which helps.

Your in laws sound exactly like my own parents.I love them but ducking hell they are annoying when they come to stay and they are absolutely tone deaf to hints that they could maybe try to not ransack the house or perhaps stop espousing the views of the daily mail as if it's the profound truth.
They came to stay last week for two nights but ended up staying for 5, completely ignoring the fact that I had a night out scheduled (which I had to cancel as it wasn't fair to leave DP to deal with them) and that DP was working from home with a really big meeting to do and which they ended up pottering around in the background being a huge distraction during.
They bicker and argue from literally dawn (they woke me up arguing about something at 4.45 am last week-the walls in the house are thin) til they go to bed.
I felt so guilty but I was so relieved when they finally went home.

We are currently in a rented house which means they have to sleep in the Lounge on the sofa bed as my dad can't manage the stairs. (In our actual house there is a little annexe thing they can sleep in and where they can leave all the endless stuff they bring with them). I've suggested that whilst we are renting, when they come to stay we can book them in to the nearby premier inn and we will pay for it. They will not hear of this. I'm dreading Christmas when they will be here for three days (which will turn in to 6 no doubt).

You kind of have to suck it up OP (as do I) but I feel your pain!