To feel drained by ILS staying

[Annierosetexas]

We usually have them here twice a year for DH sake. A week each time. I know it’s the right thing to do but I really don’t enjoy a moment of it and dread it beforehand, I find it so draining. Reasons include -

CONSTANT talk of politics - they have strong views. FIL reads his newspaper - this comes above everything else and he will read bits aloud to MIL so they can both rant enragedly at various stories. They bring their politics into everything. I could point at a man walking his dog out the window and they would make a political point. It is exhausting and must be doubly so for them.

They are so messy. Came home from work yesterday to newspapers everywhere, dirty mugs, disgusting sink. I cannot bear to look into our bedroom where they are sleeping as the one time I did it was horrible - wet towels, papers and clothes and dirty mugs on every surface, grim.

They ignore our DCs mainly but never shut up about how amazing their other DGCs are.

MIL never ever stops talking. We are on pull out couch in spare room and it’s my only escape. She gets up at 7 and is there talking at me till 10 at night.

They are really quite boring and tell the same stories over and over again.

As DH says they may not be around much longer so we have to do it but this time has really felt like an ordeal. They leave tomorrow.

Anyone else find hosting ILs an endurance test?

This.
Sympathies op but it's a grin and bear it.
Baths are definitely a good hiding place. They don't sound mean just very exhausting hard work.

'I've suggested that whilst we are renting, when they come to stay we can book them in to the nearby premier inn and we will pay for it. They will not hear of this'

Um, hang on a second.... You are an adult and this is your home. You literally don't have room for them to stay. You have made a very sensible and reasonable suggestion which no doubt would be more comfortable for them too. I would be putting my foot down and telling them that the Premier Inn WILL be happening when they next want to come and stay. I know it's not easy with overbearing parents but you really need to stand up for yourself and your sanity

Agreed. Why on earth are you letting them stay for longer than agreed? If you’re going out you go out. DH should have invented a reason to go out as well unless he had to be in for the kids. But there’s no way they’re going to change if you keep giving in. I’d have booked a meal out just for you and made it clear you were going and they’re not invited because they shouldn’t still be there. This is not normal behaviour that you should be indulging- my dad and in laws are this age and wouldn’t dream of doing this.

I agree with @Lottapianos, book the hotel @Annierosetexas and say that you’re not going to sleep on the sofa at Christmas and it’s too much for you to manage when you don’t really have the room to accommodate them comfortably. Tell them that it didn’t work well for you this time and it’s not optional.<tinkly laugh>

it’s all in the delivery. So getting the tone right means you can convey this as sympathetic to them but also that it’s not something your able to do again.

manage them, get h on board and don’t allow them your bedroom at Christmas

The right thing to do is suck it up. Moan on here, to friends, whatever. Imagine yourself one day wanting to visit family and then saying "no" as it's a stress. They are dh's parents and although they sound VERY irritating it doesn't sound like they're being obnoxious.

Fwiw I had this with mine, before they died, mil who yacked for England and a fil who was extremely grumpy. Dh worked and I was home running around after them. Once they stayed for 2 weeks and I literally sobbed when they left. TV on full blast, dinner having to be early and is sleeping in lounge floor. Hideous. But, they're family and it was the right thing to do.

I feel your pain!

My ILs are coming on Friday and I’m already feeling drained thinking about it!

Agree; don't ever give up your private space.

I'd start having them use a nearby hotel.

Great point.

These guests are abusing the OP's hospitality and property.

I was thinking this! Regardless of who you are you respect my home

I feel you OP. My ILs have many similar traits: the non-stop talking, spouting political opinions, etc. They thankfully aren’t untidy or useless domestically, though MIL does tend to take over and then things are done on their schedule (mostly to appease FIL I think, who Likes His Routine, let’s say). But I find any extended period with them draining. After putting my foot down last year, DH will be going alone to visit them this summer. There’s still Christmas & other occasions, but I’ve spelled out certain ground rules to him on various things. My ILs aren’t bad people, and I recognise we do need to spend time with them, but equally there should be some ground rules and limits: life’s too short!

Good god, you need a medal. I detest people like you describe.

I'm shocked that people would put up with this. Typical "they are old let them act how they want" or "they are family let them act how they want". If a stranger was staying and treated your home like this would you put up with it? I disagree that just because someone is related to you that you should just allow them to treat your house like a hotel and you as a maid.

The only time I would be so accommodating is if my guests were extremely respectful and made it a joy having them. Let them know that if they want to stay again that they will either have to find a hotel or they will need to stop abusing your home and tidy up after themselves, you are not a slave and neither is your DH.

My family wouldn't dream of treating my home this way!

Sympathies op. I couldn't stand this either, but I think with a bit of reorganisation it might be more bearable. Firstly I would never give up my bed, its my sanctuary, so you are a Saint to do this. Is it possible to put a double in the spare room, so pil can use that as their base? Which ever room you decide to use, make sure you can lock it, obviously. Can you possibly set up a little summer house or even nice shed with a single comfy chair, bookcase and radio, so that you have somewhere to escape to?

I would feign a bad bad next time so that you have to sleep in your bed and they can sleep on the couch.
seriously, it sounds awful.
id also book lots of appointments/ meetings/ days out etc so that you do t have to spend too much time around them

About your MIL eating. It does sound like she has some sort of sensory problems. I’m not sure exactly what it is, I know a couple of people who do the same and they’ve got various additional needs but I’m not sure which exactly diagnosis is responsible for this. It might also explain her constant talking and messiness.
I know it might look that we blame additional needs for everything nowadays but people were ND before, we just started to understand it better now and to put labels. Knowing this might help you to be more tolerant. It’s like someone with tremor will be a messy and noisy eater but they can’t help it. It’s an illness not bad manners.

I disagree.
My dad is elderly and his food noises are awful, however he's always done it.
As a dc he was spoiled completely and allowed to behave as he wanted. Never corrected and he is so entitled. He recently threw a paddy in a restaurant because he didn't like the table, it was the last one. I threatened to leave.
Being elderly isn't an excuse for bad behaviour.

@Fireballxl5
you got me wrong. I’m not saying anything about excuses for elderly. I’m saying that the description of specific noises OP gave reminded me of noises some people who have ADHD, autism, Tourette syndrome or similar conditions produce. Of course they produce them from the early age. I’m not saying that noises can’t be due to bad manners, I’m saying that it’s not always about bad manners especially if OP’s MIL does some noises when she is NOT eating. It looks like a possibility of . sensory/ neurological issue for me.
Your Dad’s case sounds different.

I’d refuse and have them in a hotel. I’m not giving up my bedroom, and the mess you describe? Nope.

I couldn’t eat with your MIL. I struggle with certain sensory issues, and I literally wouldn’t be able to eat with that going on. Just reading about it made my stomach flip.

Two x 1 week a year isn't a huge deal as long as you can say no sometimes as it's important to your DCs to keep contact up

If mil is talking at you then reply "MIL Im getting a headache, enough taking now can you let me have quiet time as I'm not used to this"
"MIL Im busy can you leave me to get on with this please"
"MIL I'm listening to music and you are talking over it"..
"FIL, no politics today we are a politics free zone..."

Lol though at the reticence to pull them up on mess!!
I wouldn't be able to keep it in
"Blimey look at state of this room you're worse than teenagers, please clear up, dirty cups in dishwasher, wet towels hung up, rubbish in the bin..

I would put them up in a hotel. There is no way I’d give up my bedroom in my own house. If you can afford it, offer to pay for a visit to hotel or cottage and have them over and take them out-but have your own space. If that’s unaffordable, then just have shorter visits. Visitors, like fish, are only good for 3 days-and that’s people I love and get on with. Same with staying in other people’s houses-there’s visitor etiquette which it sounds as if your ILs are lacking. O what if it’s family-why would you treat fami,y like servants there to do your bidding and leave mess around the house?

I can’t believe 2 weeks a YEAR is some unbearable sufferance. I don’t know anyone who sees DGPs as little as that irritating or no.

I think (as I’m getting on a bit now) that as people age, things they used to take in their stride become anxiety inducing. So staying away from home could be stressful hence some of their extreme behaviour, constant rabbiting for example.

don’t you go out for walks, drop them at the shops/ park/seaside?

They sound feral.

I couldn't bear people like that in my bedroom.

Too much.

Stop clearing up after them, (let them ser the filth they are making) stop pandering re meal times and drinks, if they can take stuff upstairs then they can bring the empties down to get another!

I understand you can't stop it altogether but I'd definitely be cutting it down to a weekend. Could you say you are going away as a family or that you don't have enough leave to take time off work?
The mess is very disrespectful and would drive me nuts. I'd say 'right, MiL I will stick the tea on, whilst you start clearing all your mess up so you don't have to do it later on and van just relax' then just walk away so it's not a discussion. I find this so rude, I really feel for you.