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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you find this annoying? Dinner invitation

109 replies

StopMakingAppointments · 01/11/2022 10:29

Me, DH and our two DC (3 and 1) live about an hour from MIL. We visit about once a month as it's hard for us with work and juggling the kids etc.

We have an open invitation for MIL to come to us and I will message every couple of weeks asking when she is free and usually she says she will get back to me but doesn't. She was saying to DH she hadn't seen the DC of late so I messaged her asking when she was free to come and visit (we did visit her two weeks ago). She replied:

"I can come next Saturday for your lasagne?"

I explained we are at a birthday party that day but could do any evening (I mean after 4pm so she would still see the kids) and she said she doesn't have any free. She doesn't have a job by the way.

I thought it was a bit much to specify one day she can come between now and the end of the month and to also specify what she wants me to cook which I thought was cheeky. However I do find quite a few things a bit annoying and maybe I'm being a bit harsh.

OP posts:
KettrickenSmiled · 01/11/2022 15:37

Wishimaywishimight · 01/11/2022 15:28

Yes but the important question is how do you serve it? a) healthily i.e. with a (massive) salad or b) a carb fest of lasagne with chips and very possibly garlic bread 😄

Show quote history

😂😂😂
Don't be ridiculous @Wishimaywishimight

A massive salad is a meal in its own right, & has no need for lasagne accompaniments. You ought to feel so full after eating one that you are compelled to post here about what a failure of a competitive under-eater greedy pig you are

OohMrBingley · 01/11/2022 15:44

Me, DH and our two DC (3 and 1) live about an hour from MIL.

How has no-one picked up on this?!

No way would I be up for a two-hour round trip for dinner during the week. Confused

Of course she wants to come at the weekend, when she would be able to spend a bit more time with the kids.

YABU.

thisisit77 · 01/11/2022 15:47

I think it's a compliment to your lasagne :)

Hugsgalore · 01/11/2022 16:02

I think you’re being very harsh. You asked her for a date not telling her you were busy that day. It’s unfortunate she picked that day.
there also might be other reasons she doesn’t want to go on different days. Just because she doesn’t work doesn’t mean she’s available all of the time. She also might not like travelling through rush hour traffic. In my area that’s any time between 3 and 7pm! My mam hates driving at time time in case she desperately needs a wee! And I would be delighted if someone specified what they would like me to cook. It takes the pressure off knowing that’s is something they will definitely eat.

MaggieFS · 01/11/2022 16:05

I'd stay out of it. It's his mum, he can make the arrangements and he can deal with any comments. Works for me!

Arenanewbie · 01/11/2022 16:18

Nothing wrong with asking for a lasagne but I would be annoyed how it’s done. It feels like “I will come if you make lasagne “ I would expect her to fix the date first. Surely it was her priority, to come and see the kids?

AryaStarkWolf · 01/11/2022 16:18

Agree Lasagna comment was probably meant as a compliment. Why are you trying to make the arrangements though? Why isn't she sorting it out with her son?

Wishimaywishimight · 01/11/2022 16:31

@KettrickenSmiled Of course you are right, sometimes I get carried away with myself. It was a bank holiday here this weekend (Ireland) and I probably got a little over excited. Tonight I am back on my usual spoonful or brown rice with half a carrot on the side for dinner (leftovers will cover lunch tomorrow). That'll do me grand until Friday when I'm planning a treat dinner of fish (1 portion between 2, with leftovers for the cat) and 6 chips each - well it is Friday, we all need to splurge from time to time.

muchprefersummer · 01/11/2022 16:50

My DH used to think I was really rude asking for certain meals when I went to see family - but then he soon realised it wasn't rudeness - it's an absolute compliment that I live that dish they make. My family love that I ask for certain things - normally because it reminded me of seeing them when I was young.

Hobbitfeet32 · 01/11/2022 18:03

I love my in laws so I would assume that the request for my lasagna is a compliment and would be pleased that the ‘mental load’ of having to decide what to make has been taken off me. When we visit them we often put in a request for favourite dishes. My MIL loves it when we do. Same for my parents. Kids too will ask for Nanny’s crumble or curry or whatever. But like I said, we like each other.

Unexpecteddrivinginstructor · 01/11/2022 18:41

Hobbitfeet32 · 01/11/2022 18:03

I love my in laws so I would assume that the request for my lasagna is a compliment and would be pleased that the ‘mental load’ of having to decide what to make has been taken off me. When we visit them we often put in a request for favourite dishes. My MIL loves it when we do. Same for my parents. Kids too will ask for Nanny’s crumble or curry or whatever. But like I said, we like each other.

Absolutely, it might be phrased somewhat awkwardly but I am at the stage in food preparation that anyone suggesting what to have is welcomed with open arms 'gingerbread, baked beans and mackrel, what a great suggestion for Sunday lunch.' Instead it is 'so does anyone have any requests for meals this week?' Tumbleweed. As long as it doesn't take loads longer than anything else you might prepare I would just say you can't do that day but what about X or Y day.

Blondeshavemorefun · 01/11/2022 22:32

You should have said first / love to see you. We aren’t free x to x on Saturday as at a party / otherwise let us know what is good for you

if you had plans you should have said that to her before asking her to come over

and lasagna sounds as if she likes it

a compliment

also maybe dh should messsge her as he’s her son. Why are shish doing it all ?

BobbysGirly · 02/11/2022 01:09

Cattytabby · 01/11/2022 11:43

As a mother to only boys, these sort of threads fill me with dread.

I have 2 married sons. One DIL is just like a daughter to me. I have a really close relationship with her, DS and their children. Child care arrangements are sorted between us. We visit each other’s houses for coffee, play dates with the GC, general catch ups with both our families, dinner dates….

My other DIL loves to call the shots and loves to complain to all and sundry when I don’t fall in line. In 6 years I have never been invited to their home. DS brings the children to see me, weekly. DIL doesn’t come with them. Whenever I ask to visit DGC DIL is “too busy”. DS works away throughout the week. She is happy to ask me to “babysit” her children for her to meet up with her mother or friends for lunch and shopping though.

Sometimes MIL ‘s just can’t win 🙄 Either you have to jump to attention , even when the “request” is beyond the realms of normal logic or lose contact with your DGC.

feelthebeatfromthetangerine · 02/11/2022 02:03

I think the lasagna comment would be readily taken as a compliment if it came from someone you were fond of and a CF statement if from someone you didn't feel close to.

OP, I think your reaction to it is less about what she said and more about your relationship with the woman.

I'm not sure what she's done wrong. You asked her when she was free, she told you. You offered alternatives, none of them worked for her. It's a shame, but no one is complaining.

I think your comment about her not having a job is pretty rude - she's entitled to have other evening plans, you know, or just not feel able to make a two-hour round trip at the moment, without having a rest in between!

pewtypie · 02/11/2022 02:45

My lasagne is legendary amongst family and friends but it takes me 2.5 hours to make and I wouldn’t see this as a compliment. Sounds like she wants it all on her terms. I agree with you OP, she is a CF for specifying it. Does she give these orders to her son?

The only guests I would tolerate this from is kids (nieces etc).

Just leave DH to organise meeting up with her and cooking for her.

pewtypie · 02/11/2022 02:46

BobbysGirly · 02/11/2022 01:09

I have 2 married sons. One DIL is just like a daughter to me. I have a really close relationship with her, DS and their children. Child care arrangements are sorted between us. We visit each other’s houses for coffee, play dates with the GC, general catch ups with both our families, dinner dates….

My other DIL loves to call the shots and loves to complain to all and sundry when I don’t fall in line. In 6 years I have never been invited to their home. DS brings the children to see me, weekly. DIL doesn’t come with them. Whenever I ask to visit DGC DIL is “too busy”. DS works away throughout the week. She is happy to ask me to “babysit” her children for her to meet up with her mother or friends for lunch and shopping though.

Sometimes MIL ‘s just can’t win 🙄 Either you have to jump to attention , even when the “request” is beyond the realms of normal logic or lose contact with your DGC.

Show quote history

How is any of this relevant to OP, who is actively trying to see her MIL?

UserNameNameNameUser · 02/11/2022 10:08

pewtypie · 02/11/2022 02:46

How is any of this relevant to OP, who is actively trying to see her MIL?

Show quote history

@BobbysGirly was replying to @Cattytabby , not to OP. So very relevant.

Ponoka7 · 02/11/2022 10:16

StopMakingAppointments · 01/11/2022 10:33

No work or caring commitments but she has a busy social life. Just find it a bit annoying she complains about not seeing us much but doesn't make much of an effort.

And the lasagne thing did wind me up but maybe that's just me!

Why is your commitment to attending a party more important than what she has planned? Would you rather that she needed you to provide company and a social life? If she complains then tell her you need more than one time slot. Book in together now for Christmas. I do childcare for my DD, but all three expect me to have availability because I am retired, well no, I have a life, just like they did when they had no responsibilities.

BobbysGirly · 03/11/2022 00:08

pewtypie · 02/11/2022 02:46

How is any of this relevant to OP, who is actively trying to see her MIL?

Show quote history

Because CattyTabby is filled with dread about being a MIL. She has two boys. Not all DIL’s hate their MIL’s. Just the same as not all MIL’s go out of their way to pi$$ off their DIL’s.

I do exactly the same for both my eldest sons families. One DIL is grateful for help, support and me “just being there” for her, DS and the children.

The other I can’t do anything right. Her answer to everything is to tell DS , “If your mother doesn’t want the children, fine. If she can’t help out when I need her to I’ll stop her seeing the children”. She, seriously, expects me not to go to work because she wants me to have GC for her to have a day out 🤷🏻‍♀️ Sometimes MIL’s are between a rock and a hard place.

BoxOfCats · 03/11/2022 05:20

Can you please post your lasagne recipe? Grin

(misses point of thread entirely)

AllThatFancyPaintsAsFair · 03/11/2022 05:32

MavisChunch29 · 01/11/2022 11:20

I wouldn't worry about the lasagne comment, get DH to cook, or a big Aldi one or a takeaway if it's too much. I wouldn't make a lot of effort to fit her in, just tell her some more dates we can do and leave it with her - and delegate all of this to DH as it's his mum.

If someone like your cooking so much that they mention it why on earth would you buy a ready made version from Aldi?

Or am I missing a joke, is it so that she doesn't come back again or some kind of bizarre signal

I do agree that the DH should sort out the arrangements.

garlictwist · 03/11/2022 05:33

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 01/11/2022 10:31

YANBU at all

She is incredibly cheeky to specify she wants your lasagne! No one does that!

As you’re not free, then she just won’t be able to come unless she can make another time.

I disagree. She clearly likes the OP's lasagna. I think it's a compliment.

Quincythequince · 03/11/2022 05:42

thisplaceisweird · 01/11/2022 10:31

You're being harsh. She asked, and you said 'no it doesn't work' then she dropped it. So???
You're family and close enough to have an open invite, she obviously loves your lasagne.

This!

YABU OP

oopsfellover · 03/11/2022 05:49

Well she knows the invitation is there, so ball in her court now. Perhaps best not to make assumptions about her not being busy.
On another note, I’d like to come round for some of your lasagne please.

autienotnaughty · 03/11/2022 06:03

I'd find the lasagne comment annoying too. I think as long as you (as a family) make the effort to see her and invite her to yours that's all you can do if she's too busy then that's up to her. Also if she hard work I'd be tempted to leave it to dh to sort seeing her.