Would you find this annoying? Dinner invitation

[StopMakingAppointments]

Me, DH and our two DC (3 and 1) live about an hour from MIL. We visit about once a month as it's hard for us with work and juggling the kids etc.

We have an open invitation for MIL to come to us and I will message every couple of weeks asking when she is free and usually she says she will get back to me but doesn't. She was saying to DH she hadn't seen the DC of late so I messaged her asking when she was free to come and visit (we did visit her two weeks ago). She replied:

"I can come next Saturday for your lasagne?"

I explained we are at a birthday party that day but could do any evening (I mean after 4pm so she would still see the kids) and she said she doesn't have any free. She doesn't have a job by the way.

I thought it was a bit much to specify one day she can come between now and the end of the month and to also specify what she wants me to cook which I thought was cheeky. However I do find quite a few things a bit annoying and maybe I'm being a bit harsh.

Whenever my niece comes over, she always asks me to make pasta - how on earth is that cheeky? Some people have very warped ideas regarding what family constitutes, on this site…

Can't she do both.

Maybe once a month, with you making the effort to go to her, is fine with her?

Next time she complains she doesn't see the DC enough, just reply "you know where they live!"

I think the lasagne comment is a huge compliment. She thinks you make it really well. I’d be thrilled not to have to waste time thinking about what to cook too.

Nah, I wouldn't take the lasagne thing as a compliment. Lasagne is a pain in the arse to make and you didn't ask what she wanted to eat. I would only ever request a meal off my parents ("please, please, please can we have a roast dinner?") and I'd ask very nicely... I wouldn't do that to the in-laws (or my kids, but they are little still). If MIL is often not free and a bit demanding, I wouldn't keep inviting her, I'd wait for her to take the lead (or ask DH to deal).

would love to see the venn diagram of mumsnet users who say they have no friends and those that get upset over someone requesting a lasagne

You're making a lot of effort to be offended by her actions here.

I'd see the lasagne thing as a compliment

Only on MN would something that’s obviously a compliment be offensive to someone! 🤣

Exactly my late mother behaved just the same , never bothered with her grandkids.
When asked to visit she always refused. She ended up a very lonely . My brother and I visited but no one else.

I would have been annoyed by the lasagne request too, even though it is a compliment. Life is super busy with little ones and getting the house ready for visitors and putting in extra effort for dinner may add extra pressure. Maybe I am lazy! Lovely that your MIL likes your food though OP.

You could consider start making plans further out. Within a month isn't possible with my family commitments and the distance between us and our parents. We usually agree dates 2-3 months in advance, which we would prioritise even if other things come up. Is that worth a try? Then MIL knows she has dates to look forward to and you don't feel like you are eternally hanging on in case you can sort a visit? Good luck.

Some of these answers worry me for when your precious darlings get married and you become the MIL .

It doesn't sound bad to me but I know how it feels is relationship dependent!

Re asking for a particular dish, my family do this all the time! My mum regularly asks me to make her a cheese pie, my late dad used to give me a massive list of his favourite things that I made at Christmas. My sister has her favourites that she asks for.

I like it. I like that my family enjoy the food I make and I want to make it for them.

So, would I find it annoying? No.
But that doesn't mean you're wrong to find it annoying. It's a different dynamic, different history and you feel how you feel based on that. 🤷

Then don’t raise selfish boys who are incapable of considering other people and expecting your DILs to do all the running around for them. If you wouldn’t expect your sons to manage their own mother in law’s involvement with the kids/family, don’t expect your DiL to.

Hold up , you asked her when she's free & she gave you a time she was free & complimented your lasagna in the process. What has she done wrong?.

Ready meal in the trolley paid for becomes yours right?

No it would wind me up to. Like don't order me to make a specific meal for you!

So she'll only come if you feed her a meal of her choice? Look just leave it to your bloke to arrange her visits.

Whenever my niece comes over, she always asks me to make pasta - how on earth is that cheeky? Some people have very warped ideas regarding what family constitutes, on this site…

There’s a difference between “please would you mind making, if it’s not a bother, I like it so much… can’t wait to see you!” and “I can come on Saturday for your lasagne”. The latter is incredibly rude and suggests both 1. They’re only coming for the lasagne and 2. They’ve got the right to order particular food and expect that will be made.

Sometimes things are just meant as light-hearted. She wasn't demanding lasagne FFS. When my sister invites me for dinner I have been known to say "only if you're doing your prawn pasta". We both know it's a joke, I'm not demanding anything, nor am I refusing to come should she chose to make something other than prawn pasta.

No she's not! She's family FFS.

I have friends who do this, & I do it to them. It's called listening, & cooking what your loved ones enjoy. AKA hospitality & love.

OP - your main issue isn't that your MiL invited herself - she heard that you were busy so backed off. Where's the problem with that?
Your main issue is that you are the go-between for organising these monthly meet-ups, & must be starting to resent it, if you are getting so annoyed about date setting & meal preferences.

Why not hand the organisation over to your DH?
It's his mother, he can take care of the details.
(Until you really fancy something MiL cooks well - in which case ring her, tell her so, & invite yourselves over.)

Dear God...she's family ffs...I might well say to my daughter do a chilli because she makes a divine CCC..she's going to cook something I'm her old fart of a mother where's the harm?

Yes but the important question is how do you serve it? a) healthily i.e. with a (massive) salad or b) a carb fest of lasagne with chips and very possibly garlic bread 😄

Christ on a bike.
If PP are so picky about insisting on doily-covered manners & formal invitations from long standing family members, small wonder there are so many "I can't stand my DiL/MiL" threads round these parts.

Chill! It's just phraseology.

@been and done it. How very dare you?

Did you not first send a calling card, then get your butler to liaise with your daughter's butler, then ask your ladies' maids to hedge the invitation around with "if you would be so kinds" & "no I really shouldn'ts" & "if it's not too much troubles?"

Even if you did, you are a monster for even wanting to SEE your own child. How can you live with yourself? You are clearly the mother from hell & need to learn to wait in your appointed place. Sitting in the cold with the lights out, not causing bother to anybody with your demanding habit of wanting to eat nice food with people you love.