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AIBU?

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Original poster

I’m way too emotionally over invested in DS’s A’levels results

89 replies

Ernesthemingway · 31/10/2022 17:20

DS is sitting A’levels this summer. It’s completely stressing me out. He needs 3 As to even stand a chance of getting onto the course he wants to do. He can get 3 A’s, his teachers will predict him 3 As. I feel like he should be working hard most nights and if he’s not I feel anxious. I know I need to step back and let him get on with it. He doesn’t listen to me anyway when I suggest he should be working. I’ve been having sleepless nights and days fraught with anxiety. It’s up to him and out of my control but I can’t help but worry about what will happen if he doesn’t get the grades. There’s no plan B, this is all he wants to do. He’s no idea how I feel and I know I need to sort myself out but I can’t seem to help myself. Is this normal as a parent?

OP posts:
vodkaredbullgirl · 31/10/2022 17:23

You need to calm down, of course we want the best for our kids. You need to take a step back and let him get on with it.

HelpMeGetThrough · 31/10/2022 17:27

Is this normal as a parent?

Yep, we were worried here last year. If they really want it, they will do it. Our eldest didn't seem to put the work in. He's now in the Uni of his choice.

His words to us were, "I knew what I had to do, it was under control.".

We all need to trust a bit more I guess.

SpookyMcGhoul · 31/10/2022 17:29

It's October! You won't make it to summer if you're already having sleepless nights. He might not seem to be working, and probably won't take kindly to you "suggesting" he should be. If he wants it, he'll work for it, especially if he's clearly capable of it and his teachers think so too.

He'll need support from you, not second hand anxiety - that'll have a negative impact on him.

Quincythequince · 31/10/2022 17:31

What’s the course and why does he need 3As.

Who’s adamant on the RG university- you, or him?

What other universities also offer this course and what do they need?

Quincythequince · 31/10/2022 17:33

P.s. my eldest DS - also year 13 - did SFA before the end of year 12 and is now predicted AAB, for Chem, biol and maths respectively.

Finally got his shit together and it’s in hand.

There is nothing you can do about this OP. Nothing!

ArcticSkewer · 31/10/2022 17:35

Yes it's normal (well for some of us!) but, as you know, also pointless and counterproductive.

Is it medicine?

Try to refocus on, for example, making sure he is eating healthily and exercising.

You also may be going through menopause which can cause thought loops of anxiety like this, could try HRT if you haven't already?

Quincythequince · 31/10/2022 17:37

Where do you only need 3As for Medicine?

I always assumed it was as a combo of A*s and As at pretty much every medical school.

Quincythequince · 31/10/2022 17:37

ArcticSkewer · 31/10/2022 17:35

Yes it's normal (well for some of us!) but, as you know, also pointless and counterproductive.

Is it medicine?

Try to refocus on, for example, making sure he is eating healthily and exercising.

You also may be going through menopause which can cause thought loops of anxiety like this, could try HRT if you haven't already?

WTF? Menopause!
Did you really just write that?

Gherkingreen · 31/10/2022 17:39

Step back for your own sanity and for his. It's not about you. Build the foundation for his success, provide the support he needs by all means but you can't do this for him.
And please, please put in place a plan B. What happens if results are all cocked up like they were in recent years and students with guaranteed uni places are bumped by inflated grades of others?

ArcticSkewer · 31/10/2022 17:43

Quincythequince · 31/10/2022 17:37

WTF? Menopause!
Did you really just write that?

Show quote history

yeah, assuming op is a woman, obviously not so relevant if not 😂

ZeroFuchsGiven · 31/10/2022 17:44

Jesus wept give him a break before you actually break him!

Anonymouseposter · 31/10/2022 17:45

They are his A levels, not yours.
He's growing up now and if he really wants something it's up to him to work for it.
You can be very supportive, give him a good environment, good food rest etc. but you can't do it for him.
We all worry about our children, but this does seem excessive.
Be absolutely honest with yourself-are you worried that he may be disappointed or is it you that's set on it?
If you continue to be so enmeshed with him, you will become very stressed and it might start to irritate him.
Try to detach with love a bit!

Quincythequince · 31/10/2022 17:46

ArcticSkewer · 31/10/2022 17:43

yeah, assuming op is a woman, obviously not so relevant if not 😂

Show quote history

LOL 😂
I mean it could be true I suppose.
I am peri and have had terrible anxiety but I always think the explaining away of genuine emotions in response to certain scenarios because of hormones is not a line any of us should really take.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 31/10/2022 17:47

Does your DS thrive on pressure or does he work better in a more supportive environment? Think about what he needs not what will help you feel better. DS1 needed the pressure taken right off so I had to do the nonchalant “whatever happens we’ll work something out” approach whilst sitting firmly on my hands. That was how I supported him by creating the right environment to allow him to cope with the stress of A levels.

To balance your worry a bit. I didn’t get the A levels I wanted first time around because my DMum died when I was in 6th Form. I took more A levels, went to Uni and have had a very successful career. Someone else I know, worked for a while when her A levels went wrong. She went to Uni as a mature student and now has a PhD.
Whatever happens there is always a way forward.

Mischance · 31/10/2022 17:47

You being so het up about it is not helping - as I am sure you know only too well.

If he fails them he will learn a lesson and can retake. He is very young. It is not a race. He will get there in the end - or indeed next summer.

You need to convey that you have faith in him.

titchy · 31/10/2022 17:48

Has he applied yet? It's not clear if he has and has offers or if he still has to apply. In which case he should have at least one plan B on his form.

I don't agree he should be working hard every night either. Keeping on top of things yes, keeping notes yes, but hard work (ie several hours) a night will result in burn out and failure.

BonnesVacances · 31/10/2022 17:50

I think it's ok to ask if he has a plan for revising and if he can share that with you so you don't nag him about it. But essentially, unless there's some undiagnosed additional learning need there, if he can't get 3 As without your involvement, he's not going to fare well at uni when you're not there.

Cw112 · 31/10/2022 17:51

You're in danger of putting so much pressure on this kid that he either burns out or bombs it. You absolutely need to step back and let him do his best. You also need to be prepared for if his best isn't the 3As you're hoping for because if he doesn't get that he will need you to be able to reassure him and be proud of him regardless. You need to think bigger picture here. There are so many ways to get to the same end result. Yes getting 3As in an exam and straight entry into a course might be the fastest, but doesn't always mean its the best way for that individual. I didn't get what I wanted for my a levels, didn't get into the uni I wanted or the course I wanted. I'm now however sitting in exactly the job I want with 2 degrees and I've just finished a masters and honestly I learnt more during that process about failure, perseverance and self belief than I'd ever have learnt otherwise. You need to find a way to separate yourself from this whether through counselling or mentally checking why it is you feel like this. Is it fear? Pride? Wanting something for him what you didn't have? This is all about you when it really should be about him. As a parent you facilitate his learning not demand it.

Sarahcoggles · 31/10/2022 17:52

I know what you mean OP. It's so hard when they're old enough to make their own decisions. So much easier when they were younger and you could help them to do their homework and so on.

DS1 is in year 13, wants to go to university but isn't doing anything like enough work. He's doing mocks this week, and is currently lying in bed gazing at his phone. If I ever dare to suggest he maybe should be doing some work, I get an earful.

It's easy for people to say we have to leave them to it, and if they want it enough they'll work for it, but it doesn't stop us worrying. I know my DS will be devastated if he doesn't get the grades he needs, and I don't want him to be devastated, even if it teaches him a lesson.

SandyY2K · 31/10/2022 17:54

Is it medicine he wants to do?

If he's set in whatever the course is, then he knows how competitive it is and will put in the work required.

doubleshotcappuccino · 31/10/2022 17:55

Dd got an amazing results and to her dream Uni and we are now steeling ourselves to support another DC next year . What helped my DD most last year was a chat at tea breaks, offering something light hearted and watching rubbish tv together .. she had her plan and we supported her by making sure we were around, provided good meals and a quiet house .. plus we put her needs first -. with any of them I see my role is hype team/ caterer/ support/ hugs .. never ever pressure or telling them when they should work .. if they stick to their schedule .. and are consistent there is no need for late night studying unless that suits the student - it's not the same as Hollywood movies - but I feel that some are that and think if there isn't frantic panic and books everywhere at midnight they're not doing it right

x2boys · 31/10/2022 17:57

Yes you nerdc to give him a break ,its up to him ,and what if he doesnt get three A,s ?
Its not the end of the world.

Buteverythingsfine · 31/10/2022 17:59

You need to have backups for sanity, IMO. If he has a Plan B, it will allow his to relax a bit and then focus in a productive way. There is always a Plan B, even in high tariff courses, retakes, various institutions, ,gap year. Don't put him off the original plan but you will both benefit from a more flexible mindset.

BayCityTrollers · 31/10/2022 18:00

It is up to him and if he is bright as his predicted results would suggest, he will know what he has to do.

He will also be tested to within an inch of his life over the next few months and it will be plainly obvious if he is not on track for his predicted grades.

I went through it twice in 2 years with my dses, both aiming high and I really did not get too involved. DS1 was teacher assessed so that wasn’t much of a worry anyway but DS2 had not sat GCSE’s due to COVID so I did get nervous but I had to leave it up to him. He got the grades he needed plus an extra * so he did really well.

Both my dses will say they knew what was needed and they knew they were on track.

For your own sanity you have to take a step back and trust your Ds to do what he needs to do.

Has he a lower insurance offer as well? DS2 had a contextual offer from Durham as back up which he did not need but offered me some reassurance.