I’m way too emotionally over invested in DS’s A’levels results

[Ernesthemingway]

DS is sitting A’levels this summer. It’s completely stressing me out. He needs 3 As to even stand a chance of getting onto the course he wants to do. He can get 3 A’s, his teachers will predict him 3 As. I feel like he should be working hard most nights and if he’s not I feel anxious. I know I need to step back and let him get on with it. He doesn’t listen to me anyway when I suggest he should be working. I’ve been having sleepless nights and days fraught with anxiety. It’s up to him and out of my control but I can’t help but worry about what will happen if he doesn’t get the grades. There’s no plan B, this is all he wants to do. He’s no idea how I feel and I know I need to sort myself out but I can’t seem to help myself. Is this normal as a parent?

Fair enough.

I found HRT totally stopped some of my obsessive looping thoughts, similar to ops.
Also helped with sleep and that middle of the night worry thing. I come at it from the opposite point of view I suppose - for me, the irrational worries are often hormone driven, it turns out!

Anyway, it's a hard time, regardless, for parents. Totally normal to worry. Just also a bit pointless. Things get sorted, one way or another. Nothing is final, aged 18.

No, it's mostly just 3 As. Plus a tonne of other hurdles to jump. Just wondered if it was medicine as it's so 'all or nothing' (I mean, it isn't really, but it just seems so high stakes 'nothing else will do, no plan B')

No. This level of anxiety is not normal. Has he just done mocks in October? Does he have further mocks in Feb? He'll know what he needs to do.

You need to figure out why you are so emotionally invested?

Is it because you didn't live up to your potential as a student? Is it because you feel it will reflect badly you if he doesn't do well? It is because you so badly want to see him succeed? Why is driving this? You can't try stop it until you know what's causing it?

Dd is yr13. She is my second to go through A levels, Ds1 studying vetmed, ds2 had other plans. My advice is that as long as they know what they need to do, have a plan and are following it then leave them to it. Be there with snacks, drinks and offers to help, check in with them so they know you are there for them, and trust them.

I also made sure mine had plan a, b, c, d etc so they knew that if one didn't go according to plan then another would. We looked at alternative routes into their chosen careers. This helped to take the pressure off.

And naked sure they keep time for fun.

Naked wtf. Ensure

Hi OP. My parents were the over stressed type and it made my A levels so much more difficult. I wish they had stepped back a bit and also supported me with a good Plan B. I didn't get the grades and the disappointment was awful. Please for everyone's sanity have a plan B and be accepting that your stress and anxiety will not help either of you. Healthy snacks and exercise etc are good ways to feel like you are doing something to help.

Please just step back and breathe a bit. I know it’s hard, I’ve just told off year 13 ds who insists on lounging around in his bed to revise/Snapchat/read crap on the internet and generally is lacking in focus at the moment. But you can’t be this stressed for 8 months and it will make him more stressed too.

A child in our town has just taken his own life in year 13 over exam stress. Nothing is worth that. Our dc need to know that this feels like a big deal but there are always other routes and options in life.

@User8798677 that definitely puts things in perspective. I’m

You’re comments are immensely helpful. I know I’m being ridiculous and completely hear what you’re saying. He’s in the process of writing his personal statement so I think this is all very much in the forefront at the moment. I am so annoyed with myself for being such a stress case.

You’ve also made me see that we do need a plan b.

Christ I used to have this, not from my parents, but other family members and parents of friends. I knew what I knew and I knew what I needed to achieve, I did add nice work as necessary. I did some revision between Easter and exams. I got 4 As from a bog standard state sixth form. Trust they know what they need to do and don't make a fuss. If they don't get their first choice they are likely to still do very well if predicted those grades, and will attend a reputable university, they're not going to end up on the dole and homeless at 18.
What's stressful is the anxiety from others. Don't make them hate learning and see it as a chore!

What does he want to study?

I appreciate this won’t help but you do need to relax - he has no plan B because he’s only 17! Not one person I know is doing what they wanted when they were 17 because life doesn’t always go to plan and sometimes much better things come along.

please don’t pressure him or force him into studying or make him miserable - he’ll only study if he wants to and the added pressure really isn’t helpful.

Also, plan b might be to go through clearing and find another option then. He’ll work it out, I’m sure

My DS just started Uni and he got 3 x A’s and yes he was working every night at this stage. I think he sometimes didn’t let him hair down enough but pleased he’s doing that at Uni now

You need to back off.

This is why so many students struggle with their MH as there’s just too much pressure.

It’s not just these grades.
Once he gets into his course then it will be the stress of the assignments or exams.

Do you mind saying what it is that he wants to do as I am almost certain that there is another way onto the course.

Have you looked into options should his exams not go to plan.
Look into alternative similar courses, courses with a foundation year etc so its less all or nothing.

You are way OTT OP. This is scary.

If you’re losing sleep over this then please seek help from the GP.

There is so much more to life than exam results and which university your DS will go to. Seriously.

It's easy, and perfectly understandable, to get over invested in your child's A levels at this stage of their life. But as PP have said whatever happens, it won't be the end of the line. Last week we had a work experience Y12 in for the week. Hard to know what 'experience' to provide them. I work in Financial Services; it's hard to explain and let's face it, pretty boring for a 16 year old. But I set him up with a series of meetings and what all of us learned was how many different routes we'd come by . We are all doing similar jobs, similar grades, decent salaries. But only a couple of us - out of dozens- had done the conventional A level, Uni, grad job route. There's a very senior woman in the building who's responsible for about half the high Street lending in the country, and she ĺeft school at 16.

No plan B, of course there are plan B’s, lots of them.
Step right back, he knows you are there if he needs your help.
My SIL was like this with my nephew, she was obsessed with his results, unis, exam board, called him lazy if he wasn’t revising, told him she was disappointed with his results, it was awful.
He must be a bright hardworking lad if he’s predicted A’s, leave him to it.

Please do not put too much pressure on him. It could backfire big time. Listen to him and back off.

It's really good that you've recognised it's not a right or proportionate response- so do something to distract yourself and give yourself something else to focus on. Do you work? If not, perhaps find a part time job. What about hobbies? Try something new. Getting out with friends?

Leave the poor lad alone, kids that age are under enough pressure as it is.

I speak from experience. My daughter didn't get the grades she needed for her first or even second choices, but the world didn't end and a year on she's doing amazingly well.

My daughter is predicted A star, A, B. No way is she hitting the books every night! She does much of her work during free periods at school.
So step back. If he's predicted three As he must have things under control.