I’m way too emotionally over invested in DS’s A’levels results

[Ernesthemingway]

DS is sitting A’levels this summer. It’s completely stressing me out. He needs 3 As to even stand a chance of getting onto the course he wants to do. He can get 3 A’s, his teachers will predict him 3 As. I feel like he should be working hard most nights and if he’s not I feel anxious. I know I need to step back and let him get on with it. He doesn’t listen to me anyway when I suggest he should be working. I’ve been having sleepless nights and days fraught with anxiety. It’s up to him and out of my control but I can’t help but worry about what will happen if he doesn’t get the grades. There’s no plan B, this is all he wants to do. He’s no idea how I feel and I know I need to sort myself out but I can’t seem to help myself. Is this normal as a parent?

It’s the same for me with heavy tutoring for grammar schools - you of course want to encourage and facilitate but it’s really got to come from the child, especially by A levels when they’re nearly an adult and it’s their decision of what they’re doing the exams for. If they have a realistic dream, it should be for them to do what it takes to pursue that dream, with just parents providing the time and opportunity to study.

DS is at a similar stage and just can’t seem to get motivated despite mocks looming and end of year 12 exams not going to plan. It feels like he is giving up on it and we swing between hope and nagging and despair and no nagging. Doesn’t make much difference to his work but the house is happier when we don’t nag.

He is so capable but as someone said you have to be self motivated to get the grades and also to thrive at uni. I think he will get middling grades, take some time out and hopefully discover what he wants from life and be motivated by ambition when he is a bit older.

it sounds like your DS has a plan and good predictions. If there are no mocks now and he is getting his homework done then don’t keep the pressure up every night from now till June - they need some down time too.

@FlissyPaps why is it ignorant?

I think I have been misunderstood - I am trying to talk about the sometimes unhelpful idea of 'missed potential'

When I was 16 I did very badly in my GCSES - I was bad at focusing, easily distracted, loved going out with my mates, hated revising. I'm not stupid though ! My results were a combination of my native ability/ intelligence and my 'ability' in terms of focus and effort.

I work in a very competitive field now surrounded by people who went to Oxford etc but I just took a bit longer to achieve things in life than others.

People here are talking as though someone who missed out on the top results 'could' have got them - but perhaps it is more helpful to think that they got the results that summed up their intelligence plus focus/ hard work - and that is how we decide results in this country

If someone misses their oxbridge offer - that is just who they were/ what they were capable of at the time - maybe better to accept it and think they could be better off elsewhere with less effort required day to day. I have friends who went to oxbridge I don't think they are any happier/ or tbh more intelligent than many other people I know who didn't.

It is also worth noting here that the results all being discussed are very high.

It is possible to do well in life to be bright, engaged and succesful (ie. happy) without ticking all the boxes of high achievement

The worst lesson a parent can give their child is that there is only one path to happiness.

I think the issue is you think there is no plan b. There are more than one pathway for people to achieve their goals. If he doesn’t get the grades he has options. His life will not be ruined.

No, it's AAA for most medical schools. It might be more for Oxbridge and Imperial, but there are other hurdles to jump as well - UCAT/BMAT and MMIs.

As the son is still writing his personal statement It won't be medicine/vetmed/Oxbridge because applications had to be in by 15th October.

TBH I'm surprised that he is still writing his personal statement. I'm pretty sure that DD started hers at the end of year 12.

This is such a short-sighted way to view life. I went to a high-achieving school where nearly everyone got straight As, everyone went to RG or Oxbridge unis, lots became doctors, and now 20 years on, none of it really matters. Some of the brightest people from my year don't even have jobs (they're not SAHMs, they just don't work), some of the doctors hated medicine and quit, most of them hate it and can't quit, and a huge number have mental health issues, particularly anxiety, depression and low self-esteem. I regret spending my childhood and adolescence under such intense, pointless pressure. Please have some perspective. If he doesn't get AAA he will be fine. Let him be fine.

Dd is still writing hers. They have until December so why rush?
There are things to put in it that are on the radar but not yet done and will have relevance to the course.

I would try discussing a plan B just in case as he's not yet applied and got offers so even with predicted grades offers are not guaranteed. Support him in personal statement as that really helped my ds, don't write it for him but proof read it and offer advice on improving it etc. It is a stressful time but it is time to start taking a step back and allowing them to take charge if he doesn't work and get the grades he's got to own it. Best support you can give is just making sure home is a calm environment.

You need to backoff as much as possible. Be supportive, but be led by him. Our eldest DS is Yr13. He needs 3 'A's for his preferred courses. He applied for the October deadline - and has 3 offers already, and is doing the LNAT next week to get decisions from the other 2. Yes, he wants a RG - but has 2 others as his plan B. Whatever happens - he will make it work and be happy.

I know its tough - but try and step back. Its stressful enough for them - and things will always work out.

You can support your DS by making home a nice environment physically and emotionally to support his studies. Looking at plan b options can be good way for you to distract yourself from concerns and be a knowledgeable support should that be needed. This may include looking where his course may have lower entry requirements or be in clearing , what gap year options may work, where he could retake A levels etc. This does not mean you don't think he can achieve plan A just that exams don't always reflect the work put in and ability of the student.

We stood back when our eldest did her a levels and degree only offering help when asked for. Got to the point where if we mentioned anything she felt like it was pressure on her. Just be there and guide but don't control. It will still be stressful but honestly the stress mainly comes from them being stressed.

I do sympathise because I felt similar at this stage, although not to the point of sleepless nights.

Honestly he will be getting all the nagging and pressure he needs, and probably a whole lot more, from school.

He is obviously on track and doing well if they are prepared to predict AAA.

If you really want to insert yourself in his life, have one more conversation where you say that you trust that he knows what he's doing, you are going to leave him to it but he should always remember that you are on his team, ready to cheer him on and help out with anything he needs, whether that's help with revision, buying a book he needs, printing off past papers, providing snacks etc. And tell him that although he is quite rightly confident, it only takes one bad day or a couple of silly mistakes to turn an A into a B, and it happens to many kids just like him every year. So he really needs to think about what he will do if AAA doesn't happen and then make his UCAS choices carefully.

Then you back off and just be quietly supportive and sympathetic. The next few months are going to be tough for him and home needs to be the place where he can always relax and never be judged.

For us this approach improved our relationship enormously and while there was a bit of a nerve wracking wait for me, (until Feb/March I think) DS did get his act together eventually and got AAB, exactly the grades he needed. I think it's easier for them to knuckle down once everyone else starts worrying and working hard.

@psychomath yes this. The pp whose son did not get the grades for Oxford feels bad that she didn’t stand over him and make him work harder – but if she had, he would bow be there with a very very high standard expected of students. If he only got 3 x A-star because she pushed him, he is likely to find Oxford a struggle. Better to allow your child to do the best they can and find a course that will suit them too.