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Original poster

I’m way too emotionally over invested in DS’s A’levels results

89 replies

Ernesthemingway · 31/10/2022 17:20

DS is sitting A’levels this summer. It’s completely stressing me out. He needs 3 As to even stand a chance of getting onto the course he wants to do. He can get 3 A’s, his teachers will predict him 3 As. I feel like he should be working hard most nights and if he’s not I feel anxious. I know I need to step back and let him get on with it. He doesn’t listen to me anyway when I suggest he should be working. I’ve been having sleepless nights and days fraught with anxiety. It’s up to him and out of my control but I can’t help but worry about what will happen if he doesn’t get the grades. There’s no plan B, this is all he wants to do. He’s no idea how I feel and I know I need to sort myself out but I can’t seem to help myself. Is this normal as a parent?

OP posts:
Bigclockface · 31/10/2022 19:52

My DS didn’t put enough work in. I left him to it for all the reasons above, thinking I was doing the right thing. He got 3 As but missed his Oxbridge offer. Results day was awful. He had no plan B either. Going against the grain, but I do kick myself for not doing just a bit more nagging! Guess it’s a balance. He also resented every single second of revision so was hard to engage with. Now he has a job and his UCAS form has just gone in for next year. He will get good offers I think but what a missed opportunity. Just an alternative perspective.

Era · 31/10/2022 20:18

My DS didn’t put enough work in. I left him to it for all the reasons above, thinking I was doing the right thing. He got 3 As but missed his Oxbridge offer. Results day was awful.

He got three As. We need to stop thinking that less than an A* is a failure. It’s crazy.

The only failure in this situation was the failure to have a back up option. Nobody knows what will happen on the day of the exam. We need to tell our dcs more stories of people who have succeeded despite messing up an exam etc

LovelyBitOfSquirrel69 · 31/10/2022 20:22

Bigclockface · 31/10/2022 19:52

My DS didn’t put enough work in. I left him to it for all the reasons above, thinking I was doing the right thing. He got 3 As but missed his Oxbridge offer. Results day was awful. He had no plan B either. Going against the grain, but I do kick myself for not doing just a bit more nagging! Guess it’s a balance. He also resented every single second of revision so was hard to engage with. Now he has a job and his UCAS form has just gone in for next year. He will get good offers I think but what a missed opportunity. Just an alternative perspective.

There's all kinds of wrong with this statement. 3 A's and results day was awful? Really?

BayCityTrollers · 31/10/2022 20:48

Bigclockface · 31/10/2022 19:52

My DS didn’t put enough work in. I left him to it for all the reasons above, thinking I was doing the right thing. He got 3 As but missed his Oxbridge offer. Results day was awful. He had no plan B either. Going against the grain, but I do kick myself for not doing just a bit more nagging! Guess it’s a balance. He also resented every single second of revision so was hard to engage with. Now he has a job and his UCAS form has just gone in for next year. He will get good offers I think but what a missed opportunity. Just an alternative perspective.

I can see why not getting the grades for an offered place at Oxbridge would be upsetting but your Ds still did incredibly well in his A levels!

Ds1 is at Oxbridge and after all the work to get through the admissions assessment process and to get that elusive offer, I can see that failure to then get the grades would be a blow.

There very much is life beyond Oxbridge though and hopefully you are all looking forward now.

DS2 applied but failed to get an offer from Oxbridge. He moved on and he is absolutely thriving at another university.

Spicybananas · 31/10/2022 20:55

Scares me how much pressure people put on their children to go to university and top ones at that.

One of my best friends had been pressured his whole academic life, he was incredibly bright and smashed all his exams at school and by the time he got to uni he was so burnt out he didn’t enjoy it as much as he should. He was offered a place at Oxford but turned it down as it was just one step too much for him.

I never went to uni but have worked incredibly hard since I was 18 and have an amazing job that I love that pays very well (more than the standard educated level)

Uni isn’t the be all and end all, there are plan B’s you just have to look at them.

RedHelenB · 31/10/2022 21:22

LovelyBitOfSquirrel69 · 31/10/2022 20:22

There's all kinds of wrong with this statement. 3 A's and results day was awful? Really?

Show quote history

Yes, because he'd missed his oxbridge offer.

Bluevelvetsofa · 31/10/2022 21:30

You know, sometimes failing is not a bad thing. My lad, who everyone wrote off at school, now has a responsible high level career. It took him a bit longer to get there that’s all.

CarefreeMe · 31/10/2022 21:49

My DS didn’t put enough work in. I left him to it for all the reasons above, thinking I was doing the right thing. He got 3 As but missed his Oxbridge offer. Results day was awful.

This is so sad!

I genuinely wouldn’t care if my child failed all of their exams, as long as they were happy.

They’re only young once and can change careers at any age.

I know a few people who did conversion courses and became lawyers and doctors in their 40s.

There are always other ways to do the career you want, even if it does take longer than you planned.

It’s important that we teach our children to have a balance between working hard and enjoying life.

But most importantly we need to teach them that failure is a part of life and isn’t something to fear.

Every single successful person has failed multiple times but you don’t hear about it very often, as it is seen as something to be ashamed of.

waterrat · 31/10/2022 21:54

The thing is there is a plan B because there just is. We all go through life and experience disappointment its literally part of being alive

If he doesnt get 3 as his life will just take a slightly different turn whether he plans that now or then.

It wont make any difference to his long term happiness either way.

He needs to see you modelling resilience and a bigger picture that it will turn ou ok whatever happens

waterrat · 31/10/2022 21:56

If they dont work hard enough then they dont have what it takes to get the grades. Being focused and driven is what separates high achievers from people with intelligence but less focus

Spicybananas · 31/10/2022 22:20

waterrat · 31/10/2022 21:56

If they dont work hard enough then they dont have what it takes to get the grades. Being focused and driven is what separates high achievers from people with intelligence but less focus

This is quite a damaging attitude to have, as it’ll make people that didn’t get top grades feel like they didn’t work hard enough even though they may have put their absolute all in.

Exams are a life lesson sometimes that no matter how hard you work or how clever you are, you aren’t guaranteed ANYTHING in life (except dying and paying taxes like my Nan used to say)

sorcerersapprentice · 31/10/2022 23:14

Bigclockface · 31/10/2022 19:52

My DS didn’t put enough work in. I left him to it for all the reasons above, thinking I was doing the right thing. He got 3 As but missed his Oxbridge offer. Results day was awful. He had no plan B either. Going against the grain, but I do kick myself for not doing just a bit more nagging! Guess it’s a balance. He also resented every single second of revision so was hard to engage with. Now he has a job and his UCAS form has just gone in for next year. He will get good offers I think but what a missed opportunity. Just an alternative perspective.

I can't believe that he was made to feel awful because he didn't get his Oxbridge offer. That is utter madness.

My DH went to Oxbridge and often says that he thought I had a much better time at Uni than he did (I went to a much lesser Uni, met great people, great course, great fun!). I have a better career now

My DSIS turned down Oxbridge for her phd in favour of Edinburgh and is now high flyer.

Oxbridge is not the only measure of success. Bonkers to think it is. It's about how you apply yourself in life and the opportunities you make and take

psychomath · 31/10/2022 23:18

I work with several high achieving A-level students, some of whom definitely aren't putting in enough work (at the moment) to get the grades they're hoping for, so I can sympathise with your frustration and worry albeit from a different angle. The thing is though, there's a reason why courses like medicine, engineering and so on have such high entry requirements, which is that they're really hard work. You won't be there when he's at uni to hover over him and insist he studies, so if he can't get himself organised to revise for the required A-level grades without extensive intervention from you, there's a very high chance he won't make it through the course he wants to do even if he does get a place. As difficult as it feels, if he isn't capable of self-motivation it would ultimately be easier on both of you if he learns that lesson now, than after relocating and getting into potentially tens of thousands of pounds of debt to start a course that isn't right for him.

That said, I also think it's likely that you're worrying too much and he's going to do fine. He's obviously on track if he's been predicted three As, and it's (annoyingly!) really common for kids not to do much work until the exam date starts looming and they suddenly panic and pull their finger out. Some of us got through our whole undergraduate degrees that way Grin You need to try and calm down about this, both for his sake and because if you don't you're going to be an absolute wreck by the summer.

fUNNYfACE36 · 31/10/2022 23:19

This reply has been deleted

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster’s request.

A levels were quite a bit easier last year though

beachcitygirl · 31/10/2022 23:25

This is weird. I hear you about anxiety, but you must stop.
Please please please do not let your son know about your controlling feelings, the stress you could put him under would be unbearable.

FlissyPaps · 31/10/2022 23:42

waterrat · 31/10/2022 21:56

If they dont work hard enough then they dont have what it takes to get the grades. Being focused and driven is what separates high achievers from people with intelligence but less focus

So much ignorance in this statement.

NameOfMine · 01/11/2022 02:08

If you are stressing about this it won't help him. You need to calm down - they are his exams, not yours! Be supportive but not over-anxious. Plan B - retakes the exams or repeats them?

EstellaRijnveld · 01/11/2022 02:13

Get some therapy before you push your son away and stress him out and make him fail. Step back and get help for your low self esteem.

Suemademedoit · 01/11/2022 02:50

This is quite a damaging attitude to have, as it’ll make people that didn’t get top grades feel like they didn’t work hard enough even though they may have put their absolute all in.

I mean, this could be true. Some people’s everything isn’t enough - that’s a fact. As and A*s aren’t awarded for effort or participation. They’re awarded for outcomes.

pigcon1 · 01/11/2022 03:11

if it goes off track he can retake.
alevels are not the end of life.
you really need to get perspective and find your own life.

TheTeenageYears · 01/11/2022 03:26

If you live in the UK and DS has the right to work, you are not going to be forced to downside directly after A levels and therefore can accommodate him at home and better still if you aren't reliant on benefits linked to him being school age you actually have a great back up plan - it's called leaving him to figure it out. Believe me, not everyone has the luxury of all that and it definite makes things much harder if things don't go to plan but for all those that do - retaking, working and reapplying are a perfectly suitable back up option.

Ozgirl75 · 01/11/2022 05:54

My friend at university did well in his A levels due to parental pressure and nagging, but he managed to fail the first year of aeronautical engineering as he just couldn’t manage his own time or motivate himself. He did pull himself together and retake as it was a big shock for him at the time and a massive pain to re take.

Fairylightsongs · 01/11/2022 06:01

It’s not normal but that doesn’t mean it’s rare. But you need to try to get yourself sorted, this sort of pressure will only be self defeating and cause him issues. If you’re struggling with anxiety and unable to cope I’d call your doctor, it’s not fair on your son.

MavisChunch29 · 01/11/2022 06:10

DD1 needs three As for her course and is more than capable of achieving it, but obviously I don't know if she will next year. I never go on at her to study more - by this stage the parent's role is facilitating study, love, encouragement and support but you can't do it for them.

MavisChunch29 · 01/11/2022 06:15

And DD1 has never been interested in Oxbridge. Oxford don't even offer the course she wants to do, Cambridge do but require A level Maths, which she isn't doing as she dislikes Maths even though she got a 9 in her GCSE, and most other top universities don't require it for the course.