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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How do I explain I don’t want anymore kids

93 replies

Justnosing · 31/10/2022 07:16

I work in an environment where my clients and I talk about everything, from small talk to life choices to relationships. I love my job. However, I’m becoming increasingly aware of odd looks/comments when I explain I don’t want anymore children.

for context, I have one 4 year old. I love her dearly. But I know I wouldn’t be the mother I am to her if I had more than one. Reason being I just couldn’t be arsed to be quite frank, motherhood is draining and demanding, the worry never ends nor does the workload. I love the balance of my life as it is. I’m not really a “kid” person, so she is more than enough for me. We do everything together, and it’s easy enough with just her but I definitely wouldn’t want that x2. As I’m sure most of you are aware, life changes so much with kids and for me I just don’t want the mental physical and emotional load of multiple children.

when asked the question why I’m not having more I find myself rambling and trying to over explain that I love my DD endlessly but I don’t want anymore. I’m always concerned I’ll come off like I hate being her mum or regret having her or as if I don’t love her.

aibu to ask for a way to say this that will shut down catty comments and looks of concern without having the give the speech above/ramble

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 31/10/2022 07:18

Why are you overthinking this so much? It’s really nobody’s business but yours and you don’t owe anyone an explanation.

OhmygodDont · 31/10/2022 07:19

I mean if you want to stop them dead in their tracks just say that unfortunately it isn’t meant to be for you and your rather not have to explain any further as it’s really personal.

They can take what they want from that.

lifeinthehills · 31/10/2022 07:19

You don't owe anyone an explanation. I'd probably just say I got the perfect kid the first time and am quite content with her. End of conversation.

Rockingcloggs · 31/10/2022 07:21

I only have one, although more by force than by choice, because we had to have lots of IVF just to get the one, but thinking about it now, I don't want another one.

We put everything into our son- time, attention, love, money, travel, everything and I don't want that to halve for him (obviously love doesn't halve!)

People who don't know about our fertility problems used to ask all the time and I would just say exactly what iv written in my second paragraph.

At the end of the day, it's fuck all to do with anyone else so you'd be well within you're rights just to say 'nowt to do with you'!!

SettingPrecedents · 31/10/2022 07:21

I think you’re overthinking it to be honest. Some people have weird ideas about only children, but the majority will happily accept “oh no, one is enough for me” without any judgement.

Montague22 · 31/10/2022 07:22

Just say you are happy with 1. I can totally see the benefits.

2 is more than double the work of 1. Every time you have another there’s more relationships in the mix. So how the children relate as well as their relationship with you.

ThreeblackCats · 31/10/2022 07:22

You just say “we’ve decided Charlotte will be an only child. The planet can not keep supporting an ever growing population so having only one is our way of being environmentally aware. It’s a sacrifice that not everybody could manage, but it works perfectly for us.”

or words to that effect.

or. “Our little one is so perfect, why risk getting a horrible one?”

but I think the ‘it’s for the environment’ option would be best, nobody will tell you, you’re wrong for caring about the planet.

Original poster
Justnosing · 31/10/2022 07:23

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 31/10/2022 07:18

Why are you overthinking this so much? It’s really nobody’s business but yours and you don’t owe anyone an explanation.

I do understand this, I suppose I just get a bit socially anxious about it because of the setting (it’s just me and client one on one usually having lengthy conversations so always feel a bit obliged to go into more detail)

also when met with questions like “why on earth not” “you’ll regret it” “don’t you feel unfulfilled” and “but 2 is so much more fun” I kind of begin a ramble

OP posts:
audweb · 31/10/2022 07:23

I think I must have thick skin about this. I’m
always just clear I’m one and done, and not interested in having others. Generally caveat that if other people want more, more fool them 😂 but one kid suits me fine, and I’ll not be having anymore.

also why would people question if you love your kid because of that? I’m only having one because I love her - because of PND etc that I experienced but I don’t need to explain that to others. I am very comfortable in my decision, so it doesn’t bother me what others think. It’s your life and choice - you don’t have to justify it, just remember that.

RainbowsMoonbeams · 31/10/2022 07:24

You don’t have to explain your reasoning to anyone.

Society has this view you should have two, and ideally one of each. It’s just bizarre.

ThePoetsWife · 31/10/2022 07:26

Just say it's a personal decision. How rude and intrusive of them.

Luredbyapomegranate · 31/10/2022 07:26

OhmygodDont · 31/10/2022 07:19

I mean if you want to stop them dead in their tracks just say that unfortunately it isn’t meant to be for you and your rather not have to explain any further as it’s really personal.

They can take what they want from that.

Exactly this

Or alternatively just ignore them

DashboardConfessional · 31/10/2022 07:27

I just say "Nope, giving birth once was enough for me." I am an only child who never wanted siblings though so one is the default for me.

Original poster
Justnosing · 31/10/2022 07:27

Thanks for the suggestions. I know I’m probably unreasonably being a worrier that I’ll be judged 😂 it’s just becoming a daily thing

realistically I’d like to just say “because one is enough and I don’t want to do a baby stage or PND again so please fuck off. And no I don’t feel unfulfilled as I have a thriving business to keep me going which you’re currently sitting in so please keep your nose out”

obviously I say this in my head 😉

OP posts:
HungryandIknowit · 31/10/2022 07:28

Environmental reasons.

KimberleyClark · 31/10/2022 07:29

Say you nearly died having your first and doctors advised you on no account to try for a second. That should shut them up.

TedMullins · 31/10/2022 07:30

Justnosing · 31/10/2022 07:27

Thanks for the suggestions. I know I’m probably unreasonably being a worrier that I’ll be judged 😂 it’s just becoming a daily thing

realistically I’d like to just say “because one is enough and I don’t want to do a baby stage or PND again so please fuck off. And no I don’t feel unfulfilled as I have a thriving business to keep me going which you’re currently sitting in so please keep your nose out”

obviously I say this in my head 😉

I mean, I would literally just say this… maybe without the fuck off, but why can’t you say something along these lines to shut them down? Also why do you care what they think? Your clients sound incredibly nosy

Original poster
Justnosing · 31/10/2022 07:31

Rockingcloggs · 31/10/2022 07:21

I only have one, although more by force than by choice, because we had to have lots of IVF just to get the one, but thinking about it now, I don't want another one.

We put everything into our son- time, attention, love, money, travel, everything and I don't want that to halve for him (obviously love doesn't halve!)

People who don't know about our fertility problems used to ask all the time and I would just say exactly what iv written in my second paragraph.

At the end of the day, it's fuck all to do with anyone else so you'd be well within you're rights just to say 'nowt to do with you'!!

This!! I struggled to conceive too. I think a lot of people assume that because you’ve experienced desperation for a child that you’ll want to have as many as you possibly can!

OP posts:
Bestofthree · 31/10/2022 07:31

Just say "one and done" and laugh. I also think youre overthinking. Its not their business, just let them ramble.

Loachworks · 31/10/2022 07:32

I can't think of any profession where you need to justify your choice and share that information. If asked have stock answer prepared, something along the lines of, 'It's upsetting/personal and I don't feel up to discussing it.' Change the subject, job done.

CecilyP · 31/10/2022 07:32

You just say “we’ve decided Charlotte will be an only child. The planet can not keep supporting an ever growing population so having only one is our way of being environmentally aware. It’s a sacrifice that not everybody could manage, but it works perfectly for us.”

This is perfect as it completely turns the tables on them and makes you the virtuous one while they are the ones that are wrong for having more than one child! It also makes it completely impersonal so you are not revealing any details about your personal life.

RodiganReed · 31/10/2022 07:33

Them "When will you have another child? "
You "We won't, our family is complete"
Them "Don't you feel unfulfilled with just the one?"
You "The opposite, I feel enormously contented with my family and just know intuitively that it's complete"

I would just keep hammering home the word complete until it sticks. It's an accurate, lovely description of your family that doesn't force you into giving too much away.

CecilyP · 31/10/2022 07:35

Loachworks · 31/10/2022 07:32

I can't think of any profession where you need to justify your choice and share that information. If asked have stock answer prepared, something along the lines of, 'It's upsetting/personal and I don't feel up to discussing it.' Change the subject, job done.

Yes this is what I’m wondering. It’s all very well making friendly small talk with clients but this sound really intrusive.

DarkForces · 31/10/2022 07:35

I've got one child and I'd never say it's for environmental reasons to people with more than 1. She's 10 so people generally ask less but when they do I say. 'I've just got dd. She's great' confidently and they leave it! If they push I might say a bit about my past, but I don't if I don't want to. You don't owe anyone an explanation and I love having one!

Original poster
Justnosing · 31/10/2022 07:35

I may well be overthinking you might be right. I was at a Halloween party yesterday where one of our friends LOUDLY asked me (in front of 15+ other friends) if I’m having another. I said no. Cue raised eyebrows wide eyed looking at everyone else and a dramatic “reaaally now that surprises me! I’m a bit concerned, you seem such a good mum?!” I wish I was joking but I honestly felt like she was equating being a good mum to having multiple children. So I think that tipped me over the edge hence this thread

OP posts: