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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

How do I explain I don’t want anymore kids

93 replies

Justnosing · 31/10/2022 07:16

I work in an environment where my clients and I talk about everything, from small talk to life choices to relationships. I love my job. However, I’m becoming increasingly aware of odd looks/comments when I explain I don’t want anymore children.

for context, I have one 4 year old. I love her dearly. But I know I wouldn’t be the mother I am to her if I had more than one. Reason being I just couldn’t be arsed to be quite frank, motherhood is draining and demanding, the worry never ends nor does the workload. I love the balance of my life as it is. I’m not really a “kid” person, so she is more than enough for me. We do everything together, and it’s easy enough with just her but I definitely wouldn’t want that x2. As I’m sure most of you are aware, life changes so much with kids and for me I just don’t want the mental physical and emotional load of multiple children.

when asked the question why I’m not having more I find myself rambling and trying to over explain that I love my DD endlessly but I don’t want anymore. I’m always concerned I’ll come off like I hate being her mum or regret having her or as if I don’t love her.

aibu to ask for a way to say this that will shut down catty comments and looks of concern without having the give the speech above/ramble

OP posts:

MiniCooperLover · 31/10/2022 10:53

I found the only time it was difficult having one (also an IVF baby, two losses after) was when my little one asked when his brother or sister would arrive. He was about 4 and all his friends had siblings, cousins had siblings, etc. He just assumed another him would follow. That broke my heart (and having to repeat myself when he was 6 as he'd forgotten the conversation). He's 11 now and I know he'd have been a brilliant sibling if possible, but it wasn't. He gets all our attention, he doesn't want for anything financially and I have to remind myself he's a happy thriving boy. It's about YOUR family. If you are all happy then feel confident to just say 'because we don't want one, we're happy'. No other explanations needed.

drspouse · 31/10/2022 11:26

Bestofthree · 31/10/2022 07:31

Just say "one and done" and laugh. I also think youre overthinking. Its not their business, just let them ramble.

This was going to be my response. I have two DCs who are adopted and various people have suggested asking "why do you ask" or "why do you need to know" to nosy questions. Those could work as a followup question.

Homewardbound2022 · 31/10/2022 12:05

I find a good response to deeply intrusive questions is: "the less said about that the better!"

You reply but it gives absolutely no information.

SlouchingTowardsBethlehemAgain · 31/10/2022 12:16

The meercat, who had many children, was commiserating with the lion, who only had one.
Yes, said the lion,
but mine's a lion.

WhiskersPete · 31/10/2022 12:18

Sounds like you are trying to justify it to yourself more than anyone else tbh.

You don't owe anyone an explanation.

Bookishish · 31/10/2022 12:23

Who are these appalling people quizzing you about this? It's very rude to comment on your choices in this way.

I'd just say no, things are perfect as they are so why change. Then ignore any attempts to dig. I definitely wouldn't pretend to have fertility issues as that's rather cruel, especially as you may find they start telling you about their own fertility issues and you will feel like a heel.

Stampsforall · 31/10/2022 12:28

I don’t want children and I get lots of intrusive questions and rude comments. I just say ‘I don’t want to discuss that’ and there’s no response to that really except why and I just repeat I don’t want to discuss it, maybe it would work in your situation.

2bazookas · 31/10/2022 12:42

Why do you get into unwelcome conversations?

ALL you need say is " That is private, I don't discuss it" and change the subject.

thejadefish · 31/10/2022 13:26

Ugh I wish people would mind their own business, how many children you have is entirely up to you and you shouldn't have to explain or justify it! I would have said just say that you can't have another but that would probably just lead to more comments so maybe just say we feel that our family is complete. As a side note, my mum told me a few times that a fortune teller once told her that she'd have 4 kids - 2 good and 2 bad, and that's why she stopped at 2 (I asked how she knew whether she'd got the good or bad ones but she never really had an answer). Perhaps try some random nonsense like that lol

Fe345fleur · 31/10/2022 14:12

You totally don't have to justify yourself, a short 'one is enough for me' and polite bland replies to any follow up questions. It's the same sort of people who badger women with questions when they say they don't want children.

Original poster

Justnosing · 31/10/2022 17:57

Thanks all! For those saying just don’t discuss it - I wish I had that much front! Some good suggestions that have worked well today.

and no I don’t do nails or beauty but my job means clients are with me for a minimum of 6-8 months and I see them regularly. This is why the conversations end up getting a bit more personal as the rapport quickly gets built!

OP posts:

3487642l · 01/11/2022 06:16

If it is small-talk conversation with someone you'll never see again you can deflect questions by turning it back on the questioner in a friendly tone, eg:

"That's an interesting question, how many children do you have? How does that work for you?"

Then move the conversation on. You don't need to explain or justify yourself to anyone.

babyjellyfish · 02/11/2022 10:01

Some good suggestions that have worked well today.

How often is this coming up?

You must surround yourself with a lot of very nosy people!

Musti · 02/11/2022 10:03

Justnosing · 31/10/2022 07:27

Thanks for the suggestions. I know I’m probably unreasonably being a worrier that I’ll be judged 😂 it’s just becoming a daily thing

realistically I’d like to just say “because one is enough and I don’t want to do a baby stage or PND again so please fuck off. And no I don’t feel unfulfilled as I have a thriving business to keep me going which you’re currently sitting in so please keep your nose out”

obviously I say this in my head 😉

Either way because I don’t want to and change the subject or explain why like you’ve done here.

Rebecca34 · 02/11/2022 10:12

ThreeblackCats · 31/10/2022 07:22

You just say “we’ve decided Charlotte will be an only child. The planet can not keep supporting an ever growing population so having only one is our way of being environmentally aware. It’s a sacrifice that not everybody could manage, but it works perfectly for us.”

or words to that effect.

or. “Our little one is so perfect, why risk getting a horrible one?”

but I think the ‘it’s for the environment’ option would be best, nobody will tell you, you’re wrong for caring about the planet.

Good answer only if OP never goes jetting off on foreign holidays and in other ways shows she cares about the planet.

I lost all respect for Prince Harry when he said he was limiting his family size for enviromental reasons, but then he flies around on a private jet.

Having said that it is no one elses business. Its an annoying and intrusive question to the OP, to a woman who might have just failed another IVF cycle it could be a devastating question.

babyjellyfish · 02/11/2022 10:15

Having said that it is no one elses business. Its an annoying and intrusive question to the OP, to a woman who might have just failed another IVF cycle it could be a devastating question.

I agree.

A good reply could be, "We just don't want another child, we're happy with the one we've got. But I really think you should consider the potential harm you could cause other people by asking this question. There are many people who would love to have a child, or another child, who are suffering from infertility or pregnancy loss, or simply can't afford it. Asking them this question could cause them additional and unnecessary harm. Please don't do it. If people want to share this kind of personal information with you, they will."

UnstableCarHouse · 02/11/2022 10:17

OhmygodDont · 31/10/2022 07:19

I mean if you want to stop them dead in their tracks just say that unfortunately it isn’t meant to be for you and your rather not have to explain any further as it’s really personal.

They can take what they want from that.

This. It’s a massively rude and intrusive question, and it’s perfectly valid to just not want another.

We were pregnant with a second but lost the baby and concluded that the medical risks were too great to try again. I still find it upsetting and can’t believe people would contemplate asking why no second child when that might be one of the reasons.

sailinginthemed · 02/11/2022 10:26

‘It’s just the way it is’ and then change the subject . DH is great at answering with non-answers and I think this is my favourite. We have suffered with secondary infertility so this is my go-to

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