How do I explain I don’t want anymore kids

[Justnosing]

I work in an environment where my clients and I talk about everything, from small talk to life choices to relationships. I love my job. However, I’m becoming increasingly aware of odd looks/comments when I explain I don’t want anymore children.

for context, I have one 4 year old. I love her dearly. But I know I wouldn’t be the mother I am to her if I had more than one. Reason being I just couldn’t be arsed to be quite frank, motherhood is draining and demanding, the worry never ends nor does the workload. I love the balance of my life as it is. I’m not really a “kid” person, so she is more than enough for me. We do everything together, and it’s easy enough with just her but I definitely wouldn’t want that x2. As I’m sure most of you are aware, life changes so much with kids and for me I just don’t want the mental physical and emotional load of multiple children.

when asked the question why I’m not having more I find myself rambling and trying to over explain that I love my DD endlessly but I don’t want anymore. I’m always concerned I’ll come off like I hate being her mum or regret having her or as if I don’t love her.

aibu to ask for a way to say this that will shut down catty comments and looks of concern without having the give the speech above/ramble

I think a nice way to put it would be to say, you just know one is right for you with the contentment you have in life. You can understand people often feel that more than one is the number that brings that contentment with the family set up but you have it and are lucky.

This is perfect.

I’m off to work now, no doubt I’ll put some of these in practice today ha!

thanks all x

Cue raised eyebrows wide eyed looking at everyone else and a dramatic “reaaally now that surprises me! I’m a bit concerned, you seem such a good mum?!”

Good grief! Concerned! Who is she - the Red Cross?

"I'm one and done"
"We're happy with our perfect little family"

In reply too any rubbish comments like this

Cue raised eyebrows wide eyed looking at everyone else and a dramatic “reaaally now that surprises me! I’m a bit concerned, you seem such a good mum?!”
That's was rude. I am a great mum. Having more children than you want doesn't make you a better mum. My partner and I are happy with one child. "
(If they go on about it) "Don't dig yourself a deeper hole, you've said enough. We are happy with our lives."

And the nuclear option...
"Putting my life at risk to have another baby won't make me a good mum, it'd make me a stupid one willing to leave her existing daughter motherless. Please stop now. I don't want to discuss it . You're being intrusive"

I have learned never to justify why I don't want something but just to state why I do want something. It doesn't matter what the question, turn it around.

In your situation I would not answer at all as it is none of their business, but if you feel you want to or need to then I would simply say something along the lines of Yeah, we thought about it but we decided we are happy as we are and then change the subject by asking them a question about something else.

This made me laugh out loud 😂😂😂

ironically, she’s a family social worker!

I always say “She’s quite enough child for anyone thanks”.

always works.

I agree with this post 👍🏼 This is best as it invites the other people to waffle on about how they were only complete after 2/3/4 etc. The other responses about birth, infertility, trauma etc invite people to say “Oh, my sister had X” or “Have you tried Y?” and prolongs the convo with OP having to get deeper into an untruth.

Try having no children and not wanting any. Lots of head tilts and 'oh I'm sorry'. I smile kindly at their idiocy and the conversation continues on another topic.you are over explaining. Just say 'we are fine with one thanks' and don't engage with any more ridiculous requests

I go with “christ no, are you mad” or “fuck no” whenever asked about a second one. I find this communicates my feelings on the matter adequately. I also don’t actually feel guilty about it so don’t care what anyone else thinks.

People are so rude aren't they, I have an only DC (by choice) and I don't think I was often asked if we were having another - possibly because I was a much older FTM ... but on the rare occasions I was I think I said something along the lines of 'I am perfectly happy with one'.

It would be just as interesting to ask people why they had more than one (obviously I don't ) ... in fact is there any 'genuine' reason for having children at all ... ? Most people seem to do it just because 'it's the thing to do' or let's be honest - for purely selfish reasons to satisfy their own urges.
Presumably no one has children thinking 'I must produce tax payers for the future to keep the economy going'.

Just say I'm one and done and if people probe I'd say my reasons for this are private and personal.

also when met with questions like “why on earth not” “you’ll regret it” “don’t you feel unfulfilled” and “but 2 is so much more fun” I kind of begin a ramble

Stop "explaining".
There is nothing you need to explain.
You do not need to justify your decision to anyone.
outofthefog.website/what-not-to-do-1/2015/12/3/jade-dont-justify-argue-defend-explain

"That won't be happening for partner & me, luckily we're happy in out little unit of 3. Did you see Strictly last night? - so & so's dress was amazing ...."

"we have to be content with having just DD - do you want tea or coffee this morning?"

Bland, unemotional & BRIEF - & it's important to remember the subject change. Just keep redirecting people away from the subject.

You don't have to give an explanation.

Why are you being asked so much? I don't think I've ever been asked if I'm having anymore kids.

We’ve weighed up all the pros and cons of a second and for many reasons that I won’t go in to we’ve decided to stick at one child.

This is so weird. Nobody has ever asked me WHY I'm not having more, only whether I'm planning to.

They must first be asking whether you're planning more to then ask why not, surely? What's your reply to that?

I've always laughed and said "one and done!" and it's never been pushed further because it's obvious I'm happy and resolute about it.

People always seem so invested in others choices. Just say as above pp said environment reasons.your friend seems rude to ask that at a Halloween party too.i am an only child and always had friends to play with ,cousins and dp and dgp all to myself. You are sensible I think .so many people have 2 or 3 or more and find it hard financially and practically too

I have one. Though dc is 11 now so don't get asked so much now (though did on Saturday). I love being the mum of one. So many benefits. We're super close and we always have fun. I've never lost myself as a woman or in my career.

When people have asked me I have said 'I hit the jackpot when I had X. She's such a lovely child. I don't need anymore' (cue gushing smile at the thought of your dc). Then change the subject.

Or 'I don't know what another child would give me that dc doesn't already'. Then change the subject.

Or 'the mums I know with two or more little ones always look frazelled. I don't want to be like that'. Then change the subject.

What type of work environment are you in OP? It sounds very unprofessional.
I'm 38 and haven't got any kids and, at work, I've not been asked why/when for at least 10 years.
If anyone dared ask me, I'd either say (depending on how polite I was feeling):

• "Mind your own business"
• "I'd rather keep my plans to myself thanks"

It's nobody else's business, so just tell them that. As a (happily) childfree person it astonishes me that people think it's OK to ask me about my choices. It's also misogynistic because this is asked of women far more than it is of men. You don't have to justify anything, no matter how few or how many children you have.

*HairyMcLarie · Today 08:06

Try having no children and not wanting any. Lots of head tilts and 'oh I'm sorry'. I smile kindly at their idiocy and the conversation continues on another topic.you are over explaining. Just say 'we are fine with one thanks' and don't engage with any more ridiculous requests*

I think I must give off 'don't fuck with me' vibes, as I never get asked!

Yes it's rare. I remain silent in baby/child based discussions. Most people don't notice.

If they do and ask 'do you have kids Hairy?' I say 'no' ..... and that's it. Sometimes an 'errrr no!' (Read 'of course I bloody don't!)

They tend to get the message

Try saying some of it out loud.

Always have a change of subject to hand. That way you can say "one and done" and then immediately move on, which should convey that not only will you not be explaining, but you don't want number-of-children to be a conversational topic at all.

I'm child-free and whenever asked if I want children I just respond with a firm "good god, no" and a look of horror, which both sums up how I actually feel and ensures that few probe further. If they're thick-skinned enough to carry on questioning I figure they're thick-skinned enough to hear "because motherhood looks like an absolute nightmare".

They are being really intrusive. I'd be inclined to tell them you are not having another child 'for medical reasons'. That should shut them up.