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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel so strongly about sleepovers

141 replies

Energydrink · 30/10/2022 21:41

So, DP and I keep having a reoccurring argument about our position on sleepovers. Our DD is 3 years old , a long way off of sleep over her nursery friends house.

I think that she should not go to a sleepover until she is at least 10y, able to communicate if she wants to come home, confident enough to speak up for herself and able to tell me if something has upset her.

I would however welcome a child into our home that she has invited.

husband thinks that I am being ridiculous. He was sleepover friends from the age of 6 and he was fine. He also thinks that my attitude to an innocent activity is what is wrong with the world (sensationalism and scaremongering).

my view is that he is naïve and as much as I would like us to live in an ideal world where terrible things do not happen .. that is not reality. I would rather keep her safe then to expose her to risk.

AIBU to feel this way about sleepovers?

OP posts:
WonderingWanda · 30/10/2022 23:03

We did first sleepovers at 9 in preparation for school camp.

Mamanyt · 30/10/2022 23:03

Since my parents knew the parents of most of my close friends, I was sleeping over at their homes at about 6, and they at mine. More general sleepovers happened around 8-9. And even at 6, most children can easily articulate if something they are uncomfortable with happens.

When my own began having and attending sleepovers, I've called more than one parent and said, "(insert name here) has had a nightmare, and wants to come home. Would you like to speak with him, and then decide? I'm happy to wait up with him should he need to be picked up, or sit with him for a while if not."

Puppers · 30/10/2022 23:04

Intru · 30/10/2022 22:48

But the statistics show without doubt that her partner is a greater risk than any given stranger.

Show quote history

You're onto an entirely different point now. I wouldn't personally move a man into my children's home who isn't their father, because as you say this is one of the most dangerous things you can do in terms of statistically proven risk of sexual abuse. But I don't think that women who do choose to do this should therefore not safeguard their children in other ways.

JustLyra · 30/10/2022 23:04

Energydrink · 30/10/2022 22:02

I guess the following statistics have me rattled

1 in 5 girls are SA
mostly between 5yo and 17yo
and rarely by strangers (family, friends etc)

his response is that there is a 4 in 5 chance that it won’t happen. I couldn’t bear having to tell my DD sorry for making the wrong judgement call

You have to try and balance up the risk and not curtailing her too much.

I mean, in many ways this however, she has approx 7 1st/2nd cousins and I absolutely would trust her to be okay sleeping over there is absolutely at odds with the statistics you posted…

statistically she’s considerably safer at the house of a random classmate than someone you know well.

Don’t borrow trouble for down the line. I have six kids and the one main thing I’ve learned is there’s no set age for them to do anything. They’re all different. She might be ready at 7, she might be ready at 10, equally she might hate the idea of sleepovers until 15/16.

Deal with things as the happen rather than making plans too far in advance

Mangogogogo · 30/10/2022 23:05

It seems silly to worry about this whne she’s so little.

mine have never once asked to sleep out at a friends house and they’re teens and 8yo now.

they’ve stayed at family and a close family friend’s house once as an emergency. They buggar off to my mams for a sleepover at least once a week though!

arethereanyleftatall · 30/10/2022 23:05

I'm with your dh because sleepovers have been my dds favourite thing in the world to do. They started around age 6. I think it's sleepovers that will form their memories. (And, we've done sone cool stuff, but, nope, sleepovers are their fave)

somewhereovertherain · 30/10/2022 23:06

Our daughter was 3 when she went on her first sleepover meant we could have a weekend in London. We returned the favour.

but then we also would often end up with several kids sleeping over at various houses depending on what we where doing. Usually adult parties and the kids all slept at that house.

they both stayed at grandparents from about a year old once a week or so.

Sheslikethewindwithnamechanges · 30/10/2022 23:07

As for trusted friends, well I don't think I trust any man really. I can't honestly say I fully trust any of my friends' husbands/ partners/ brothers/ random weird uncles who call in all the time. I know others will think that's sad and that I'm bitter but my lived experience is what guides me.
I would need the mum of the house to be as watchful/cynical/alert as I am, and even then.....

DorritLittle · 30/10/2022 23:07

I think you should just wait til it comes up and see then! Your under 10 child may be desperate to go and it may be a trusted friend of yours who invites them. It is hard to really say how you'd feel about that now.

somewhereovertherain · 30/10/2022 23:08

and as for worrying about abuse you’re more likely to be the problem rather than anyone else (close family) and the stats have barley changed in decades. Just over hyped issues.

Whydothat · 30/10/2022 23:08

My children don't go on sleepovers and won't be going on any. I had my one and only sleepover at 12 and wasn't assertive or strong enough to get myself out of a situation. There were at least 2 of us over different weekends, I think there were more though. We were sitting ducks. It's absolutely up to you as a parent but if you don't feel comfortable it is absolutely fine to say no. No child ever was ever harmed from not having sleepovers.

somewhereovertherain · 30/10/2022 23:09

Sheslikethewindwithnamechanges · 30/10/2022 23:07

As for trusted friends, well I don't think I trust any man really. I can't honestly say I fully trust any of my friends' husbands/ partners/ brothers/ random weird uncles who call in all the time. I know others will think that's sad and that I'm bitter but my lived experience is what guides me.
I would need the mum of the house to be as watchful/cynical/alert as I am, and even then.....

Shows what a sad society we live in. And all men aren’t evil.

Thepeopleversuswork · 30/10/2022 23:10

While I respect the fact that you place a high value on your child having her boundaries respected, this anxiety is not rational. Your husband is right on this.

A sleepover with people you trust is very low risk and as long as your child is comfortable will be hugely valuable in building confidence. Depriving your daughter of this experience due to an incredibly remote risk (and btw it’s probably infinitely smaller than one in five) is just passing ok unhelpful anxiety and a warped perception of risk.

You are jumping the gun anyway as it’s unlikely to happen for several years but putting an arbitrary age on this is not the way to approach it. Wait until it comes up, see how your daughter feels, see how you feel about the other family and take it from there.

naemates · 30/10/2022 23:20

Sorry but if the 1 in 5 stat is correct, I can't believe people are saying that OP's issue is just anxiety, or the risk is minimal.

1 in 5 girls
20% of girls
3 little girls out of every average sized class

Worth considering at the very least, I'd say

Peanutbuttercupisyum · 30/10/2022 23:20

I think just work it out nearer the time? Surely you have more pressing parenting issues to deal with right now?!
my oldest is 11. It’s equivalent to me and DH arguing about whether to let her drive our car in 7 years time. Or give her money for new clothes for freshers week. Or something. Maybe it’ll come up, maybe it won’t. But Im not thinking about it now!

BCxx · 30/10/2022 23:22

my little boy is nowhere near this age yet but I’m just thinking who I would let him stay with when he’s older. Right now I don’t even let him stay at my MIL’s as she has a partner who gives me the heeby jeebies, just get a horrible vibe from him and he had his own kids but I didn’t know this until recently as they cut all contact with him. I won’t even leave him there without one of us being there and it’s proving quite hard to keep this up without it being obvious why 😅

i would probably let him stay at one of my closest friend’s as their child is his age and I know both parents well, I don’t know what age that would be though. I feel a bit different about friends from school though, you have no way of knowing who is in their house etc. It’s awful we have to think this way now but is a real threat

ObjectionSustained · 30/10/2022 23:23

YABU.

My DD is 7 and started having sleepovers with her best friend (6) last year. We take it in turns every week to have the other sleep.

Her friends mum is my best friend though, so it does make it easier as I trust her implicitly and vice versa.

The children are both very capable of speaking up if they are uncomfortable, they know that if they want to go home all they have to do is ask and they both have a great time. I think you're underestimating the capabilities of 6/7 year old children.

Obviously you wouldn't let your child stay in the house of a stranger, but you do get to know your child's friends well and you build up to sleepovers with plenty of play dates first.

Please don't let your fears rub off on your child and prevent her from doing normal childhood activities.

JustLyra · 30/10/2022 23:28

naemates · 30/10/2022 23:20

Sorry but if the 1 in 5 stat is correct, I can't believe people are saying that OP's issue is just anxiety, or the risk is minimal.

1 in 5 girls
20% of girls
3 little girls out of every average sized class

Worth considering at the very least, I'd say

The reason the risk of sleepovers with classmates is minimal is because the vast majority of children who are abused are abused by someone their parent knows and trusts.

Banning visits to classmates, but allowing them in family and close friends houses is statistically illogical if you’re going to use those numbers as your argument.

Luredbyapomegranate · 30/10/2022 23:30

She’ll be expressing herself well before 10, believe me.

It’s a pointless debate for now, because it will depend on her, but on average I think 8 is a good age for 1 or 2 night trips away - Scour camp, and stuff like that - so sleepovers by 7 I’d say

By 10 she’s nearly at secondary school, so if she’s an average kid, she should have already been exploring the world by then. You don’t want to hold her back,

Loserluck · 30/10/2022 23:33

It is a pointless argument, you’re looking at your 3 yr old and are unable to imagine her being capable. Mine is 7 and has been going to sleepovers for at least 2 years. She’s outgoing, capable and absolutely would speak out. And of course you wouldn’t just send them for sleepovers at any old persons houses. I know all the parents are well and agave now for 5 years or so

99victoria · 30/10/2022 23:33

We've been having our grandchildren for sleepovers since they were a year old - they have a wonderful time 😀

Frieya · 30/10/2022 23:40

We were ‘forced’ into our first sleepover to help prepare out lo with forthcoming school residential. It went really really well and really helped on both sides.

antelopevalley · 30/10/2022 23:43

JustLyra · 30/10/2022 23:28

The reason the risk of sleepovers with classmates is minimal is because the vast majority of children who are abused are abused by someone their parent knows and trusts.

Banning visits to classmates, but allowing them in family and close friends houses is statistically illogical if you’re going to use those numbers as your argument.

Show quote history

The majority of girls that are sexually abused are abused by family members or other children.

channin · 30/10/2022 23:46

I don't think YABU to be concerned about sleepovers. It's always a risk if there's a man in the house. Most kids that are victimised are abused by someone known and trusted by the family, because that's what gives them the opportunity.

My DD is 7 - I haven't personally let her sleep over anywhere except family yet (which is also a risk, yes, but I know them much better than any of her friends parents).

In theory I would be happy to have a friend sleep over here, but I wouldn't extend the invitation, because I know it would then be reciprocated and it would create an awkward situation to explain why I wouldn't let her go there.

But I also think you're creating uneccesary discord by worrying about it now. Ifyiur DH brings it up, I would just say "well, that's a question for the future. She's definitely not ready yet."

For what its worth, my DH also doesn't understand why I'm so reluctant, but men often don't. They haven't been female children assaulted and harassed by boys and men since primary school, as a lot of us unfortunately have.

Creameggs223 · 30/10/2022 23:51

How sad arguing over something that might never happen. Not all children like sleep overs my dc14 has never had or Been to one simply never been mentioned deal with it when the time comes.