To feel so strongly about sleepovers

[Energydrink]

So, DP and I keep having a reoccurring argument about our position on sleepovers. Our DD is 3 years old , a long way off of sleep over her nursery friends house.

I think that she should not go to a sleepover until she is at least 10y, able to communicate if she wants to come home, confident enough to speak up for herself and able to tell me if something has upset her.

I would however welcome a child into our home that she has invited.

husband thinks that I am being ridiculous. He was sleepover friends from the age of 6 and he was fine. He also thinks that my attitude to an innocent activity is what is wrong with the world (sensationalism and scaremongering).

my view is that he is naïve and as much as I would like us to live in an ideal world where terrible things do not happen .. that is not reality. I would rather keep her safe then to expose her to risk.

AIBU to feel this way about sleepovers?

Mine went on a school exchange to Italy when they were 9. Staying in an Italian host family home.
They had a great time. If you'd told me when they were 3 that they'd be happy to do that (and I'd be happy to allow them) I wouldn't have believed it.

I guess the following statistics have me rattled

1 in 5 girls are SA
mostly between 5yo and 17yo
and rarely by strangers (family, friends etc)

his response is that there is a 4 in 5 chance that it won’t happen. I couldn’t bear having to tell my DD sorry for making the wrong judgement call

I think you need to start talking to a professional about this anxiety of yours. Your husband's response is sane and reasonable. Your fears if you allow them to inform your parenting are going to hobble your child.

The way you ease your mind about your children's social life is by getting out of your comfort zone and getting to know as many people in her school circle as possible. You have to make a big effort to really become familiar with them.

Then you train your child to speak up with the expectation of being listened to whenever she feels she doesn't want to eat something, drink something, wear something, have her hair brushed, plaited, etc. You honour her preferences.

My DD is 6 going on 7 and sleepovers definitely aren’t a thing yet amongst her peers.

Dd had her first one when she was 8, she’s had a few since and is now 10.. it seems to be the in thing at that age. I have no worries, I know the parents and everything is all good. We can’t have one here at the moment as it’s limited on space. I think my first sleepover was when I was 6 aswell... granted it was with my best friend and neighbour who lived opposite us.

You aren't being unreasonable, and definitely not the only parent to feel that way. but as others have said - it's a long way off to be worrying about now. I'd probably avoid putting an age on it though because you are almost committing yourself - especially when your daughter gets to 8/9/10 you don't want your husband saying to her "you'll be allowed when you're 10" in case you still won't think she's ready at 10!

I didn't have any sleepovers until highschool & to be honest, I'm not aware that others were under that age either? So 6 seems young to me, and it might also be a moot point - your husband might think 6 is ok to be left at a sleepover, but your daughter might disagree! My eldest is 5 and she won't even let me leave if she goes to a soft play kids party for a couple of hours!

My dd is 7 going on 8 and there is no mention of sleep overs from any of her classmates. The only sleepovers I have heard of are in the much older classes the 11-12 year olds and then they are group parties.

I would not really be for them personally but it's not an issue now at all

Will you allow her to go on a school residential? They're very much a thing at primary level where I live.

I think sleep overs with men in the house are a big no no.

You wouldn't let your child get undressed with some dude without safeguards in place anywhere elsee.
Anyone who thinks that the only qualification for safe is to be a dad or step dad, is deluded.

You trust your instincts and those of your child and have strict understandings with other parents about what's appropriate.

Plus letting your child go on sleepovers from age 6-7 or so means she will have practice dealing with other people's families, pets, dinner customs, etc by the time she's a teen.

Keeping a child from sleepovers until she's in secondary school is in effect keeping her from learning what to expect on a sleepover, and how to conduct herself with other families. Sleepovers are a learning experience for children. I would not deprive any of my DCs of the learning experience.

I never went on a sleepover once as a child and I am very social and left for college at 17 so I don't think it's a absolute necessity.

At 3 you are assuming a lot about the sort of 10 year old they’ll be! Assess it from 6 onwards if you want to compromise here. I’d have thought some 7 to 8 year olds are fine with sleepovers.

Once they started school I spent a lot more time chatting to parents than when they were at nursery and made special efforts to talk to parents of her friends and build my own relationships with them - so had no qualms for her staying over at 7. I don't particularly like the parents as friends but I trust them

There’s so much theoretical chat here about a child who is currently 3 - I can’t believe this comes up over and over?!!

When my DD (6) was 3 I would never have believed that she’d be the child she is now. It all changes so much. Granted I don’t think she’s ready for a non family sleepover just yet, but I’d be surprised if I waited until she was 10. She loves being at home and loves her sleep, but never say never.

I clearly remember thinking/saying my DC would never eat in the car of in the trolley. She did and continues to. Things change!

I was sexually assaulted by a friend's older brother at a sleepover as a child. My mum knew the family, trusted the parents, felt I was safe etc. I was of the age that PPs seem to think children can easily speak up and I was a confident child, but that didn't protect me in reality.

I don't allow my children to stay at friend's homes overnight. There are too many unknowns in someone else's home. You don't know for sure who will be there, who will turn up unannounced, whether there are potentially dangerous dogs (another friend was badly bitten by a friend's "soft as a brush" dog), what the layout of the house is in terms of privacy, whether the house itself is safe.

My children are fine without sleeping over at friends' homes. They have lots of lovely friendships and active social lives. To me it's just an unnecessary risk.

Indeed, so she doesn’t know if her partner is a predator, yet is fine to allow him access to other people’s children.

You will differently when you know the other family, know where they live, know your older DD. She will either persuade you that she will be absolutely fine or let you that she doesn't want sleepovers.

It’s very hard to imagine what your three year old will be like at 6 or 10.

For example if you’d told me that my three year old would still not be sleeping through the night at six, I’d have cried. A lot.

(he still went on beaver camp though!)

YABU to be arguing with your DH about it. Why don't you just put it to bed (sorry) until your daughter is older, when you know who her friends are and maybe you will even be friends with the (as yet imaginary) parents inviting her to a sleepover.

What if, for example, you get to know some other families really well, what if you trust them to take good care of your DD? She probably hasn't even been on a play date without you yet - I think you are jumping the gun. Why not agree on a wait and see approach & agree on some things you would both want to be confident about before you allow her to go on a sleepover?

Putting an arbitrary age on when sleepovers can start is unhelpful in my mind, I think it will depend on how your daughter grows up and also the child at whose house she might sleepover. I have 10 yr old twins, my daughter had her first sleepover at about age 7 and my son has never had one, because they are different children who cope with different situations differently. Just wait until the situation arises and take a view on it then. My 10yr old daughter went away for a week’s holiday with her friend and their family, about 200 miles away, in the summer and I felt totally fine about it (in fact excited for her and all the amazing experiences she would have) but I could never envisage agreeing to my son doing it or him wanting to. Also there are some friends I’d be happy for my children to sleepover with, and others I wouldn’t, so it’s really too early to decide at what age your daughter can have her first sleepover!

You start off small, with a child who your child knows well, and a family whose house your child is comfortable in. Then take it from there, sleepovers etiquettes aren’t written in stone .

There's no double standard here. She's not insisting that other parents don't also exercise their own right to risk assess and make choices for their own children.

She doesn't feel that her partner poses the same risk as an unknown or relatively unknown (to her) man. Obviously her partner is the relatively unknown man to other parents and it would be up to them to weigh up the risks for their own children on that basis.

I think you are creating a hypothetical based in people you don’t know and a child that doesn’t yet exist

Yu give statistics that have family at the heart yet are happy to send her on a sleepover - why? Because you know them. Yet somehow any friends of your childrens parents are strangers you have barely met at a party.

A far more sensible approach is to simply say that you and your child need to be comfortable - and that isn’t something you can put an age on. DD did a school sleepover in Year 2 and sleepovers soon after - all with parents I knew. DS missed the school sleepover (Covid) but probably would not have been ready anyway and only was at v nearly 10. He wasn’t ready though. Had his friends round last night

Your role is to listen to when she is ready (7/8 I think at the earliest so around Year 3) and give her the toolset

bexuase as she gets older you have less and less say trusting her means she trusts you

But the statistics show without doubt that her partner is a greater risk than any given stranger.

Seems an odd thing to be concerned about when your DD is only three!

However, as a teacher who has taken groups of primary children on residential visits, I would suggest allowing your DD to sleepover at a friend’s house in your locality before she is taken further away and has to sleep in a dormitory.

You are maybe thinking that there is the risk of an opportunistic male family member or visitor to the house doing or saying something that could make your daughter feel uncomfortable, or worse, and she wouldn't want to tell you.

This crosses my mind too. I reckon the risk is real. Clear and present danger.

I hated my mum for not allowing my to go to sleepovers but they weren't really a thing then. Now, I'm glad she had this rule.