Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel so strongly about sleepovers

141 replies

Energydrink · 30/10/2022 21:41

So, DP and I keep having a reoccurring argument about our position on sleepovers. Our DD is 3 years old , a long way off of sleep over her nursery friends house.

I think that she should not go to a sleepover until she is at least 10y, able to communicate if she wants to come home, confident enough to speak up for herself and able to tell me if something has upset her.

I would however welcome a child into our home that she has invited.

husband thinks that I am being ridiculous. He was sleepover friends from the age of 6 and he was fine. He also thinks that my attitude to an innocent activity is what is wrong with the world (sensationalism and scaremongering).

my view is that he is naïve and as much as I would like us to live in an ideal world where terrible things do not happen .. that is not reality. I would rather keep her safe then to expose her to risk.

AIBU to feel this way about sleepovers?

OP posts:
Intru · 30/10/2022 22:08

Energydrink · 30/10/2022 21:53

10 seems like a good age to me (as a mother of a 3yo ). However if your 7yo can speak up then that’s great.

to clarify… by sleepovers, I mean class mates not family

Show quote history

Why on earth are you picking fights about something that will not be an issue for quite a few years?

That’s not normal.

RosesAndHellebores · 30/10/2022 22:09

Sleepover with a friend whose parents you have known since playgroup, socialised with, whose best friend went to uni with your brother, whose dc are open, confident and friendly is very different to a sleepover with some random family who turn up at school in the middle of year 1, have a withdrawn child and no common bond with anyone you know.

Intru · 30/10/2022 22:10

Energydrink · 30/10/2022 22:02

I guess the following statistics have me rattled

1 in 5 girls are SA
mostly between 5yo and 17yo
and rarely by strangers (family, friends etc)

his response is that there is a 4 in 5 chance that it won’t happen. I couldn’t bear having to tell my DD sorry for making the wrong judgement call

On that point it’s much more likely that you or your husband will assault them than that someone else will.

If you want to argue from these statistics you’d be better off having her sleep elsewhere as often as possible starting as soon as possible…

oakleaffy · 30/10/2022 22:11

murasaki · 30/10/2022 21:51

So someone else's younger kid is fine in your house, but not the other way around? What if they think you are wronguns?

THIS!

Mariposista · 30/10/2022 22:12

Totally unreasonable for plucking a number out the air. Clearly unaware that age is irrelevant. Some kids love the independence and are outgoing/not homesick aged as young as 5/6, and others still hate it aged 16. Each child is different.

PuttingDownRoots · 30/10/2022 22:13

We take our Beavers to sleepovers/camps from 6yo.

We get the odd bit of homesickness but can mostly distract them from it. Some chose not to come obviously.

Its very easy to fixed ideas when they are very young. Then they grow up, you get experience and you adjust your expectations accordingly.

APurpleSquirrel · 30/10/2022 22:14

DD(8) has recently had her first sleepover at a long-standing friend's house - was absolutely fine, several children, had a blast.
Don't make arbitrary rules until you actually need to.

Lcb123 · 30/10/2022 22:14

I think you both have valid points but seems odd to argue about something that isn’t relevant? Just park this until it actually becomes a decision to make

YerAWizardHarry · 30/10/2022 22:15

Mine is 9 (very almost 10) and has had two sleepovers outside of family.
Once was a big birthday party with I think 6 boys sleeping at at the birthday boys. Must have been his 9th birthday (so DS was 8).
and then very recently him and his best friend have each stayed with each other once.

Energeticenoch · 30/10/2022 22:16

I wouldn’t think about it. I can honestly say I think my 20 year old has slept out maybe 5 times in his life pre uni, no idea what he does there and probably don’t want to, my middle one, 17, probably 8 times at the most and mainly with her cousin , and 12 year old, maybe twice. They just like their own bed and being at home. I have no objection, and never considered it being risky but it just doesn’t interest them

ellieboolou · 30/10/2022 22:16

I think from aged 7 plus is old enough, 10 is a bit extreme but depends on the child too.

Barleysugar86 · 30/10/2022 22:16

My son is 5 and we haven't gotten around to playdates without us yet, so 6 does definitely seem too young.

But of his schoolfriends parents I have met and gotten to know well I can't see it being a concern in a couple of years if he was invited to one.

healthadvice123 · 30/10/2022 22:17

All different my eldest had a sleep over about age 6 , group of 4 of them and 3 of them were allowed and we took in turns to do, the 4th wasn't allowed until 9 as his mum didn't want to , fine her choice but the other 3 were ready and we got to know parents first
Ds2 prob never went on a sleepover until about 10 as his friendship groups didn't really do fhem
So one of those things I think you decide as you go depending on many many factors

TrivialSoul · 30/10/2022 22:17

As a survivor of childhood SA it's important to remember that sexual abuse doesn't only happen at night and doesn't only happen in the homes of strangers. It's definitely something you should be aware of but be aware of it at all times. That said I would advocate making decisions about sleepovers in a case for case basis. You may be happy for her to go to sleep over at Jessica's house when she is 5 but not happy for her to stay at Amy's house until she is 9. One of mine had sleepovers with a very close friend from age 5 but wasn't keen to stay with anyone else until they were nearer 11. My other child has no interest in sleepovers at all so it wasn't something we had to consider. I think it's foolish to make an arbitrary decision now on something that you won't have all the facts about until the situation arises.

Stompythedinosaur · 30/10/2022 22:20

You have no idea what your dc will be like at 5 or 7.

Why is it just sleepovers you don't like, sure DC could also be harmed on a playdate? The reality is, though it might be hard to imagine as a parent of a 3yo, you will get used to the fact that your dc will sometimes be away from you.

The reality is that sleepovers are a normal part of childhood, and your dc will miss out on the things their peers will be doing.

allboysherebutme · 30/10/2022 22:20

I never let mine sleep over ever, anyone could come to mine, but mine were never allowed to sleep at anyone else's. X

Cheerfulcharlie · 30/10/2022 22:21

I am very cautious about sleepovers as I have had quite a few friends and colleagues mention to me over the years about abuse they had suffered at sleepovers when they were younger. It mainly seemed to be abuse from a cousin or friend's brother / brother's friend etc- so some other kid/teen rather than an adult.
I don't think leaving it until 10 years old is unreasonable. But I wouldn't rule out sleepovers before that if I was very sure of exactly who was going to be in the home at the time.

edwinbear · 30/10/2022 22:22

DD started with sleepovers at about 7/8 I think, she is quite an extrovert so it never seemed to phase her much. We invited one of her friends back at about 8, she’s a bit quieter and more shy, but was perfectly capable of letting me know she’d feel more comfortable back in her own bed after all once it got to about 9pm. So I happily dropped her back home with her share of their midnight feast. We waited a few months before trying again and she was absolutely fine. We do know the family quite well though.

DD is having a sleepover for her 11th birthday in a few weeks and one of the girls has asked if she can come for the pizza and films but would like to go home afterwards as she doesn’t feel quite ready. Absolutely fine, obviously and I’m quite impressed she feels comfortable enough to say so. We don’t know her family terribly well so can appreciate she/her parents might worry. It’s so dependent on the child and how well you know the rest of the family.

Dixiechickonhols · 30/10/2022 22:25

Agree you’ll discuss it together before saying yes to first one. You don’t know how she will be or how you will feel. Mine slept overnight in church hall as a Rainbow so 5 or 6, then brownie pack holiday from 7. At 10 she went on an activity holiday 200 miles away.

FlamencoDance · 30/10/2022 22:28

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster’s request.

Xtraincome · 30/10/2022 22:28

My DD7 will not have a sleepover for a loooong time yet! She gets upset at the thought of it. DD5 however would camp out at Grannys House every weekend if we'd let her lol 😆

OP, we are in the minority on MN. I have issues with sleepovers too. We do not want DDs having one until they're old enough to have a mobile phone- so secondary school. She is then equipped with everything she needs to get her out of there when she sees fit.

ImaMumtoaboy · 30/10/2022 22:28

At the tender age of 45 I can honestly say I have never had a sleep over. Never stayed at a friend's house, never stayed with at boyfriend's house(often booked a hotel for the night ). I don't feel like I missed out.
My parents didn't allow sleep overs and certainly didn't let ANYONE stay over night in our home. It just wasn't done.
My ds is 10. He has only every stayed overnight with my parents or sister this wouldbe maximum 4 times a year. He has never been invited on sleepover nor has he asked for friends to stay.
Don't get the big deal about sleepovers.

Puppers · 30/10/2022 22:30

murasaki · 30/10/2022 21:51

So someone else's younger kid is fine in your house, but not the other way around? What if they think you are wronguns?

Well it's up to their parents to make a risk assessment for their own children. They may also decide that they don't feel confident to allow their children to stay overnight.

OP knows whether she is a risk or not, whether she is going to allow anyone else to be at the house at the same time etc. She can't magically look inside another human's brain and know all of that about them for sure.

antelopevalley · 30/10/2022 22:30

Kids stop wanting to have sleepovers so much by about 10 and 11 years old. So your proposal really means very few sleepovers.

antelopevalley · 30/10/2022 22:31

And I would not send my child to someone else's house for a sleepover who did not trust me to offer a safe sleepover for their child.