AIBU to consider a future with DD staying at home?

[Thefutureisorangey]

Family consists of me, DH, DS (19, at university) and DD (16, in yr 11). We are starting to think about retirement but can't afford it without downsizing significantly. There is no other family.
DD is lovely, sweet, honest and vulnerable. Many diagnoses, including ASD, but not helpless - she just doesn't enjoy the chaos and noise of the world. We think she might scrape some grade 4s in her GCSEs. A levels wouldn't be academically appropriate, and our local colleges, though great and providing a brilliant provision, are rowdy and bustling.
So here is my AIBU. DD is showing no signs of ever wanting to fly the nest. She has explained this. We have tried to broaden her horizons but she is so introverted that even holidays now, if we could afford them, would be problematic. She wants to live with us "forever."
Has anybody got experience of this? In just a few months the school is going to want to know where her "destination" will be. Apprenticeships are crazily competitive, level 3 qualifications will be almost certainly too difficult for her, the level 2 qualifications that she's interested in are all very male-centred roles that she has recoiled from when she's actually experienced the environment, and I'm not sure what to do with her!
If we allow her to just stay at home, cleaning, cooking, volunteering for local old folk (which will very soon be us!), is that even an allowed thing?

www.lancashire.gov.uk/children-education-families/special-educational-needs-and-disabilities/young-people-and-adulthood/supported-internships/
Our council offers this. I’m sure most will have similar.

Encouraging her to do something is in her own interests. My in laws did nothing for their undiagnosed nd son and he's now mid 30s, has no idea how to cook , clean or take care of himself, never mind work. When they die heavens only knows what will happen to him as we live in another country and dp has no relationship with him and certainly won't be caring for him. They've done him a great disservice by keeping him so helpless and by not getting him diagnosed.

??? Fined for employing U18?

She’s only 16, she’s way too young for you to be planning her whole life for her. She needs at least another few years of you pushing her to try different things and see how she grows and matures.

Maybe look at colleges and what they offer for those with additional needs .some have courses that might help her build on her confidence before going onto something she wants to study. I have friends who have done this with their children have gone on to work or do degrees even though they left school with little . Not all of them had ECHP as one is not required to access support in college.

may be consider some volunteer work in a charity shop . However it can be hard as sometimes even the expectations of voluntarily work the expectations can be too hard but would have give her experience.

It is hard and sometimes our children need more support and help before they can find their place in the world .realistically you are not going to be around for ever and at some point they will have to move out which can be a long time in the future.so can be a long term plan.good luck

I would look into the possibility of gifting a share of your property into a disabled person's trust when you downsize. It's a complicated area so you would need specialist advice.

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This is exactly what my thoughts are too. 16 is so young for even neuro typical teens to know what they want. She may get to 19 and decide that actually further education is something she wants to pursue or she may find a job that leads her down many other paths. She may in the future have a relationship. What are her interests? It could be that a college would have a suitable course even if she goes part time.

If she’s interested in care type work how about the nurse cadet scheme? No idea what you need to get onto it. But there’s a lot of neuro divergence in the nhs and I think people with autism can have a lot of strengths which are well suited to caring/nursing. Depending on the setting here can be a lot of routine, structure, policies to follow.

Nothing wrong with making plans for her to stay with you. I haven't read the full thread, but things like cooking, driving, gardening, sewing, DIY are all things you can teach her. Those will equip her for adult life. As for filling her days... does she like to read, draw, watch films, research things? Some quiet hobbies would be good for her too. It sounds like she might be capable of part-time work in somewhere like a cafe, garden centre, small shop or similar.

Would she be happy doing a job where she primarily works alone? ie, post woman for Royal Mail or similar? I would guess not much is needed academically for a job like that, and she would be spared having to mix with people, and whilst doing the job she could work on building her confidence. Tbh, 16 is a difficult age anyway, even without ASD. They’re still learning to be independent and adult at that age.

I think there’s a few jobs your DD could consider. Obviously I don’t know her so she might hate all of these.
Animal shelter, dogs are noisy and can be boisterous but there are cats, small animals.
Food prep in a cafe or care home.
Evening shelf filler ( stores are generally quieter in the evening)
Egg or flower packing.
Trainee florist, tends to be quiet and quite repetitive to start with.
Garden centre, watering, arranging plants etc.,

She might hate what she tries but if you can help her see it as a learning experience she’ll learn what she doesn’t want to do.

I have a 13 year old dd who is very much like this .I am thinking about post 16 but she is scared of animals , so that rules out a few things .

In this case, as hard as it is, you need to find some way of supporting her to become independent.

Allowing her to retreat from the world now will have long term consequences for her.

You could help her to find a skill set so she can always work from home. She will need to be financially independent at some point even if she lives with you 'forever.' I know lots of young adults with ASD who are showing no signs of leaving home but are able to work (either from home or a quiet office job).

This made me laugh, but actually some sort of agricultural/horticultural college might be ideal. A job in horticulture particularly is relatively solitary, and good for the soul! They do tend to be quite small colleges too.

I would urgently speak with your school SENCO and county SEN advise service, there may well be post-16 placements you aren’t aware of. I’m a secondary SEN teacher and I don’t think we’ve ever not found a suitable placement for a child post-16, there will be something.

It sounds like due to her ASD she suffers badly with anxiety - have you/she considered the possibility of anxiety medications or other treatment such as CBT - I'm not sure what the options are for under 18's but it sounds like she really needs some help to prevent her from feeling she has to shut her world down completely to be able to cope. I tihnk it would be wrong to view this as 'just something that happens with kids with ASD' and push to get as much help you can (if there is any available!).

Does she have coping mechanisms? Things like ear defenders or listening to music she likes in noisy environments, wearing sun glasses if the lights are too bright, finding quiet areas to have breaks in between the busy times - ds practically lives in the school library outside lesson time, it's his haven!

I agree with getting an ECHP, contacting SEND/SENDIAS and would also see if your GP can get her help for her anxiety. I wonder if an OT would be able to help her find ways to prevent sensory overload? Don't see her ASD as one big thing, break it down into the individual issues and get her all the help you can! Good luck!

I didn’t ever really want to leave home but did when I was 21 and got engaged. When that broke up I did move back home for a year or so but then moved out and back at 30 for 2 years to save for deposit for mortgage. I did have inheritances/investment fund matured which helped a lot.

however I always worked from 17 apart from a year at college.

i did suffer badly with school bullying, insomnia, anxiety, depression and severe undiagnosed PMS (the bad form) which didn’t help one bit, was in 80s when doctors knew little or nothing re PMS and even treated others with harsh drugs.

re your daughter, I’d encourage her into some sort of job/apprenticeship but don’t force her out. I was quite happy to live at home until 20 as I earned very little, too little to rent really! My DM had a similar situation with her own mum, she moved back and forth whilst sharing houses/flats with friends in between.

my DB on the other hand left home early at 16, go into a few sticky situations but then did live at home for a few years until about 19/20 and when he divorced.

I know other adults who live with parents, a few it’s due to situations with jobs/work/attacks or severe illness/disability.

one of DB’s exes, her 2 adult children both live with her, one 18 and one 20. One just started college, other at college. She’s not forcing them out as she was in care and left that at 16.

Op my suggestion would be to seek an EHCP for her. There is online provision I believe and alternative provision with all sorts of courses to pursue.

Has she got DLA? If not you should definitely try to get that in place for her.

One of the things you really must do is get her engaged with services.

They are massively limited, but if your DD is likely to need assistance when you are old or gone then having her not known to them before then is going to make life much harder.

EHCP's (assuming you're in England) can run to 25. Careers services. Local support groups. You need to look into them all.

Financially her future needs at least some protection by ensuring she's either working and gaining NI contributions, or if she's not capable of work then claiming the appropriate disability benefits to cover the contributions. Even if you can afford to pay for her now, you're not always going to be around.

If her needs are substantial compared to the average 16yo have you claimed PIP for her? (Or DLA when she was a child?) If not, and she is eligible, then get help filling in the form and getting that into place. It can be a passport to other help - for example my DD has narcolepsy and her PIP helped her access various assistances at uni (they are available without it, but it's a longer and more complicated process for assessment).

There's certainly a balance to be found between realistic expectations and making sure she's set up for the best future.

Oh with me as I got older but after I’d bought a place I rented with someone and developed noise and light sensitivity. Maybe look at that being resolved if she finds a place to share.

I don't imagine that just because your daughter says she wants to live with you forever now that she will do. I haven't read everything but get the idea that where you live is a huge barrier so why don't you plan a move sooner rather than later. There are lots of schemes all over the country which support young people with additional needs into the world of work. We have a cafe which is run alongside a college hospitality course. You need to try and widen your daughters experiences and help her to feel safe being a little out of her comfort zone. It would be an utter failure on your part to just let her stay at home with you until you are no longer able to provide for her.

My ds is 20 and has autism. He is in his first year at uni living at home still. I don't think he will move out for years if ever. He went to a sixth form after a disaster year 11 and resat his English and Maths. He then had a whole year out as his mental health was dreadful. Went back and completed his level 3 courses and now at uni.

He'd be quite happy pottering at home every day and goes to uni cause he knows he has to do something. He tried some interviews with no luck. Started learning to drive and although enjoyed driving hated other traffic so quit that when covid hit and didn't start again.

Who knows what his future holds but maybe some working from home etc... he's happy and alive which after a tough few years I'm very grateful for.

I also think there is a massive lack of support to get young adults with asd into employment. That stats for adults working full time with asd are really low (can't recall exactly but it's shocking)