AIBU to consider a future with DD staying at home?

[Thefutureisorangey]

Family consists of me, DH, DS (19, at university) and DD (16, in yr 11). We are starting to think about retirement but can't afford it without downsizing significantly. There is no other family.
DD is lovely, sweet, honest and vulnerable. Many diagnoses, including ASD, but not helpless - she just doesn't enjoy the chaos and noise of the world. We think she might scrape some grade 4s in her GCSEs. A levels wouldn't be academically appropriate, and our local colleges, though great and providing a brilliant provision, are rowdy and bustling.
So here is my AIBU. DD is showing no signs of ever wanting to fly the nest. She has explained this. We have tried to broaden her horizons but she is so introverted that even holidays now, if we could afford them, would be problematic. She wants to live with us "forever."
Has anybody got experience of this? In just a few months the school is going to want to know where her "destination" will be. Apprenticeships are crazily competitive, level 3 qualifications will be almost certainly too difficult for her, the level 2 qualifications that she's interested in are all very male-centred roles that she has recoiled from when she's actually experienced the environment, and I'm not sure what to do with her!
If we allow her to just stay at home, cleaning, cooking, volunteering for local old folk (which will very soon be us!), is that even an allowed thing?

Hi op, I would recommend enrolling your dd in an employability service for young people with additional needs, I'm not sure where you're based but there's bound to be some operating near you that would offer qualifications, work placements and help to find suitable employment or training in a really flexible way with lots of support. They might not be able to take her on until she officially leaves school at 16 but it sounds like it might help her work out what type of job she wants and get a taste for it with support until she's ready to start working there. When she turns 18 you could also start to liaise with your local housing authority to try and secure her a tenancy in an area where you're likely to want to downsize to when the time comes so she's settled there. There are also charities that help people with disabilities maintain secure tenancies, manage their bills and teach independent living skills. If your daughter has an ASD diagnosis then I'd imagine she's also entitled to a disability social worker who would be able to help you coordinate this when the time comes but with the nature of ASD it would be great to explore these options now so she has lots of time to process and think about what she would like and what she'd need to do to prepare.

Hi OP
I've only managed to read your responses, but please remember she is just 16. School is very traumatic for kids with SEN. May be she just needs to tread water for the next year, and then she will be ready for a new chapter. If you think she'd be interested in working in a cafe why not find out about on line food hygiene or customer service qualifications so she still has her finger in pies, so to speak. I live in a small city and we have quite a few agencies who employ young people with SEN. Good luck. X

As others have said, I think that you need an EHCP and from that you will find a whole raft of opportunities and support could open up.

I have a dd with Down Syndrome and as others have said the child she was at 16 is nothing like the much more confident and able woman she is developing into now that she is in her early 20s. I really can’t believe how much she has progressed, there really is hope.

Does your daughter get DLA? I'm more familiar with PiP (for over 18s), and I know the mobility criteria deals with difficulties with social interaction. Your daughter should be claiming.

I seriously think it’s a bit sad to write her off at the age of 16. At her age and with her Asd it’s not abnormal for her to feel like she’ll want to live at home forever. She has 4 years until she’s 20. It may be easier to evaluate things then?

See what provisions the college will have for people with SN. Some apprenticeships and colleges might adapt. It's different but I remember at uni this man who was deaf had a support worker with him always. Would there be something similar with someone who has autism?

She will need an income or benefits to get national insurance credits. Also would be good if she could find a life partner to share bills and keep her company.

I have a friend I met at a hobby who is in her 50s, lives with her parents and always has. She has ASD, works in a shop and loves her life. Her parents seemed to create a little wing of their bungalow for her so she has her own bathroom bedroom and garden access and she's very content.

My DH and I have had a very similar conversation. Our DD is nearly 14, autistic and epileptic. She has said for year's that she never wants to leave home. At this moment in time we have said it's fine, but she may change her mind, and obviously there's always a home for her here. She has two older dB and ds, so she may want to do something when she sees them go to uni or get a job.

She needs to get out in the world a little bit, or she will become more reclusive as she gets older. Why not encourage her to volunteer somewhere quiet (charity shop? even just organising stiff at the back). Over time, as she matures, perhaps she could get a part time job (again something quiet and undemanding - cinema box office?) No need to rush things but I do think she should be encouraged to expand her comfort zone, not just hide away.

If your daughter has an ASD diagnosis then I'd imagine she's also entitled to a disability social worker who would be able to help you coordinate this

An Autism diagnosis doesn't necessarily mean a child would meet the criteria for involvement from the Children's Services Disability team, most kids with Autism don't, especially not at 16.

OP, I work with a lot of children and young people with Autism. There absolutely will be a post 16 educational/training pathway that meets your DD's needs but you need to know what your options are. I have seen many kids with a high level of SEN thrive in sixth form or at college with the right support. Talk to the SENco at your DD's school and look into making a parental request for an EHCP.

Get her driving, it will open up so many opportunities. The thing that spring to mind is a Royal Mail delivery person ( I know they are on strike at the moment). It’s mostly solo work, outdoors, can be done with headphones in.

What about an open university course, she can do it from home, loads of support and would be free as she's not earning? Also keeps her options open

Why the sense of urgency?

What does your DH think? Is he voicing concerns/disappointments/frustrations to you that is driving your sense of urgency and despair?

Are you sort of trying to please him by 'hurrying' her up so that you can fulfill his plans of retirement?

What's his relationship like with DD? Are they good pals would you say?

I don't have much in the way of helpful advice, but wanted to say that you're lovely, OP, and in that respect your daughter is very lucky.

I dont know where you are but it maybe worth visiting communication specialist college doncaster. there is an option to be a day student or residential. It is an amazing college and really meets pupils academic and wellbeing needs

She may mature a lot in the next while. In the space of about 14 months, my DD has gone from being very timid, nervous of anything new, not keen on speaking in front of a whole class, to starting at a sixth form where she knew nobody, making new friends, and now may be going to speak in lower-school assemblies. In the summer, when she went to sixth form taster days, I had to go with her on the bus earlier in the week because she was worried about doing the journey on her own; now she's confident using the bus, meeting up with friends in different places, and so on. It's been amazing how quickly she's changed.

Obviously it may be different for your daughter, but she may suddenly get more confident, particularly if you can find the right course.

Do hunt around for different college options, and see if there's any careers advice available in school. One of our local schools opened a small sixth form doing just vocational subjects - essentially catering for those who would not cope with the large FE college. With larger colleges, it's worth finding out whether they have provision for those who might need to work out of a support base rather than be part of the general hurly burly. They might have a more nurturing course they can recommend - I suspect that matters more than exactly what it is that she studies, because what she most needs is the confidence to become more independent.

My ds 18 has autism. He has been in a specialist school since age 11 and has an ehcp. He is in the 6th form there and he has no gcse's. But is looking at college now.
Our local colleges have courses aimed at youngsters with needs. Teaching independent living skills and acting as a first step into college.
So I would say look into exactly what colleges have to offer.
Look at organisations that offer placements for youngsters with needs.
One here has a cafe that the youngsters help run, giving them work experience and skills.
We have a local parent carer council that give advice, run workshops (been on quite a few over the years) and hold brilliant 'into adulthood' information days that all local service providers, colleges and community groups attend.

My son sounds like your daughter ASD and other stuff fairly high functioning but not academic at all. He is 21 now he left school and we tried a foundation course at a main stream college but he couldn't get on with it not enough structure. He had a break then started a special needs college and a supported internship where he tried out different work places with a support worker. He also learnt to drive which was so hard but the most beneficial thing he has ever done. He now works 15 hours a week. Drives himself for a McDonalds and to the shops the odd time. He doesn't have a crazy busy life but for the first time he is independent to a degree and he loves it.

I have three adult children. The oldest went to a special school. Afterwards, he did various college courses. As others have said, your daughter’s maturity will be several years behind her peers but l think it would do her a great disservice and be very disabling for her to stay at home in the way you are suggesting. She could do some level 1/2 courses as well as picking up extra GCSEs and/or functional skills. It would be well worth your time and hers looking through prospectuses and seeing which courses are offered.

i have a good friend and a family member who have teenagers with ASD who sound similar to your daughter. Both are contemplating a life where there child stays with them long-term. One has bought a house and converted a part of it to a self-contained annexe which they hope their DC will be able to live in at some point, and have some independence. The others DC is a bit older and loves with his parents. He has found a job for a couple of days a week working in a supermarket which is working out. He tried a few different workplaces before finding one he could stick at. They are encouraging his independence, ie being responsible for his own money, budgeting, cooking some meals, but not sure whether he will ever be fully independent. There will be many people/families with a similar experience to yours, OP, but as you’ve said, they tend to be less ‘visible’ to society.

Reading @BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz suggestions which are brilliant and see you are rural op.

I'm rural, hill farmers. Get to know them locally. We would employ her tomorrow. Lambing, checking stock on a bike, working away quietly. Walking dogs, etc etc. so much she could do.

This!! Seriously she is only 16! People like you make me mad you have the kids, then when the clock hits you, when are they going to move out. Thinking about your retirement! She has difficulties. You want to downsize. You want you want, well you wanted kids so look after them and care for them. They will leave when it’s right.
I have to tell you my ex mil is your way of thinking soon as they hit an age they have to start leaving. Well her kids don’t bother with her now.

Just look after your kids.

I’m in a similar situation to yours OP. My DD is a little older but I do worry about how her life and ours will be. You are not alone.

She's still only young she might change her mind in the future and want to live in supported housing.