AIBU to consider a future with DD staying at home?

[Thefutureisorangey]

Family consists of me, DH, DS (19, at university) and DD (16, in yr 11). We are starting to think about retirement but can't afford it without downsizing significantly. There is no other family.
DD is lovely, sweet, honest and vulnerable. Many diagnoses, including ASD, but not helpless - she just doesn't enjoy the chaos and noise of the world. We think she might scrape some grade 4s in her GCSEs. A levels wouldn't be academically appropriate, and our local colleges, though great and providing a brilliant provision, are rowdy and bustling.
So here is my AIBU. DD is showing no signs of ever wanting to fly the nest. She has explained this. We have tried to broaden her horizons but she is so introverted that even holidays now, if we could afford them, would be problematic. She wants to live with us "forever."
Has anybody got experience of this? In just a few months the school is going to want to know where her "destination" will be. Apprenticeships are crazily competitive, level 3 qualifications will be almost certainly too difficult for her, the level 2 qualifications that she's interested in are all very male-centred roles that she has recoiled from when she's actually experienced the environment, and I'm not sure what to do with her!
If we allow her to just stay at home, cleaning, cooking, volunteering for local old folk (which will very soon be us!), is that even an allowed thing?

Sounds like my sister, only a little more academically able.

She was young for her age and carried on developed slowly, as dependent as a young teen at twenty. She did build up though, returned to college later for more level 1 qualifications, volunteered, made friends through an sen group for adults. She moved into supported accommodation at 24 then at 28 a council flat. 30 she got a job (children we very high needs in a quiet setting, she’s great). She has a quiet life but a job, a few friends and her own space and at nearly 40 is happy and independent. Sometimes people with needs just grow very slowly in my experience

"Sometimes people with needs just grow very slowly in my experience"
So true and well said @LiveInSunshine

I remember several years ago a programme on TV that was about a hotel I think in Cornwall or Devon but not really sure BUT the staff came from all over UK
Anyway, the staff all had extra needs and were trained to work in all areas of the hotel from cooking, serving food and drinks, cleaning, front of house absolutely everything that it takes to run a hotel
They all lived together in a separate building
They were trained so well that they could then go off to other jobs in hotels or other businesses

Does anyone else remember this programme or the name or more details?

it’s the Foxes hotel, in Minehead, North Devon

foxeshotel.co.uk

I want to echo what other posters have said re it taking longer to reach maturity. I have a DS with Aspergers and a DD with ADHD. They both really drifted through the late teens/early 20’s. They tried various things that didn’t work out. Both spent time at home claiming ESA/pip. But they both themselves got fed up with it.

Long story short DS now works full time, really enjoying it, and DD is off at Uni and thriving. DS will probably always live at home, he has zero interest in a relationship/kids etc, but he is earning his own money. Does all his own cooking, washing all the rest of it. Pays a share of the bills. Will he manage well when I’m gone? Well he will probably be a bit messy and lazy if left to his own devices! (It’s a work in progress!). But yes he knows what he needs to do to hold down a job and run a home. He has friends and a social life. So I think he will be ok. I think DD is enjoying her independence and wants to study further after her degree, so she may well not come back.

I didn’t “push” them into anything, rightly or wrongly. I offered support and guidance. I personally think it was better for them to get where they are now, under their own steam, rather than being forced. They still have close to 40 working years ahead of them! (If the retirement age doesn’t keep rising!). Which is plenty of time.

Thank you OP for starting this thread, I am in a similar position to you, my DD15 ASD/ADHD has hardly been at school for the last few years, and I have no idea at all what sort of future to expect for her at this point in time. Some of the responses on here have been very helpful and reassuring. Like others have said, I think your DD is still young and a lot may change over the next 5 years, but I also think it's fine if your DD remains at home long term. I wish you well.

Why would continuing some form of education, training or employment with part time training/education not be suitable for all?

Education doesn’t have to mean formal academic work such as GCSEs and A levels, it doesn’t necessarily have to mean working towards qualifications at any level. Even those with the most complex SEN can continue in education, the scope of what is classed as educational provision covers a wide range to meet the needs of everyone.

I like this idea of working with animals - if thats the kind of thing that calms her of course. Could she do some sort of work at an animal sanctuary or your local vet? That way she’s earning a living, getting out and about but still has the comfort and safety of being at home.

I have a similar concern for my son with ASD, but surely there are more options than what you're saying?! I wonder if working from home will be something that works well for him. I really think it's dangerous to have such low aspirations for her. Don't write her off at 16! She's a teenager, which is such a hard age and full of anxiety. I see older people with difficulties working in shops and being supported with their living. There's surely other options for her. No rush to sort them though. She can study at home maybe for a while after the GCSEs.

I’d encourage her to get a part time job, this may give her confidence to attempt more, maybe even to return to further education after some time off. My own DS in in yr 13 but has no plans to go to university or to make plans for his next step. I’m taking the view that something will turn up for him when he feels up to doing it. I think many yp are finding the world a bit scary post COVID. Try to relax, it will be ok.

Can you look at moving closer to whete she doesn't have to get 2 buses to do anything.... why dont you downsize to a town?
Her options are always going to be limited otherwise

I think you are way overthinking things prematurely, she's just a child at 16 of course she can't see herself ever wanting to leave home but she almost certainly will change that thought in the future. Our daughter used to say exactly the same thing , she was born with epilepsy which has progressively gotten worse , has a mild learning disability due to seizures, has behaviour issues due to location of brain lesion and has most of the bones in her leg replaced with titanium due to osteosarcoma at 16. She is pining to move out at 23 and is too unsafe for her to be able to do so. I wouldn't ever be desperate for her to leave home and would be OK with her living here forever. I would Just advise you to not even give a thought to it with her being so young.

Horticulture?

Hi, does your daughter enjoy animals? If so maybe ask at the local kennels if you have any near you to work volunteer on a Saturday let’s say, in view of a part time job when old enough. Some kennels train on the job so your dd won’t have to worry about chaos as such and a nicer environment. People with educational needs enjoy close times and animals are therapy.

She’s still very young and may well change completely. My DD was a mouse at 16. Had to leave school as her GCSE’s weren’t good enough to stay. She went to a small private college on a bursary (look into this) and found her ‘people’ a little bunch of delightful misfits. She blossomed and grew in confidence, she took 3 years to get her A Levels and ended up in Drama school - the last place I would have expected her to be from what she was like at 16.
your DD may follow a different path but she will find her way, she’s very young.
she could volunteer an hour a week to do some reading at a primary school for instance and may get interested in being a teaching assistant or nursery nurse.
I would encourage her to do something - voluntary is fine, it takes the pressure off and opens up her world.

Hi,
I have just started working for a company, which helps people with learning difficulties, to live independently. They need support with their bills, might need prompting to take medication. Or just need to be reminded to turn the cooker off.
This could be an option, for when she is older, to take some of the burden off you.

Your DD is still very young so leaving home is quite reasonably not on her horizon. But you have a responsibility to support her in education, training or work. Get knocking on doors and find some help for her - school, careers service, social work. You need to be proactive. Also look at benefits she is entitled to.
For the longer term, you need to work on her independence skills, with help, and get her - however slowly - to a point where she can live independently, with or without support. You won't live forever, so don't leave that work undone.
I write this as mum to a DS with a learning disability. At 25 he is moving towards independence. But only with a lot of help and proactive parenting.
Good luck!

God I left home when I was 29….best thing I ever done. No 16yo knows what they want in life. Be patient with her

Hi OP, I haven't read all the replies so apologies if this has already been mentioned... it might be a good idea to contact Early Help Services (usually part of your local authorities children and young people's department) and ask for advice. They should be able to put you in touch with the NEET Team (not in education, employment or training team) who may be able to offer some support with her next steps after her GCSE's. An EHCP would also be a good idea, however, this is a long process (around 20 weeks) and there is no guarantee that she would be granted one at the end of the assessment process.

If the transport is the problem then look at how you resolve that, could be:

• getting her on a scooter (the motorbike kind) or bike now at 16
• getting her driving when she's 17 (with disabilities you can drive at 16, look into this)
• semi-downsizing nearer to transport options, it is you as her parents who have chosen where to live after all and this is affecting her access to education and training
• look at online courses at college and university level, they often aren't full time

Have a look at Ambitious About Autism to get an idea about what is possible and then contact your council and follow the other advice on here about EHCPs and so on.

She is only 16. You're thinking too far ahead. Children change from year to year. Did you really know what you wanted to do when you were 16. I have a son who is 19 with ASD. He has only just started being a teenager . Going out and meeting new friends. You seem to be frightening her into making a decision. It doesn't matter if she has social difficulties or not. You're stressing her out. She's frightened and can't imagine being on her own. She'll change as time goes by.
Get her on an apprenticeship. Get in touch with resources for autism. They have a befriending scheme that teams them with a volunteer who can help her with her confidence.
My son used it and it was brilliant. I don't think about him leaving home yet. It makes me feel sick and I am an older mother who is to retire in the next 10 years!!

I think you need to be thinking more about the small steps she will need to take to become more independent. Just because she is not ready now does not mean that she cannot in time take on a job or another course. Maybe start looking at the courses on offer that might interest her. There will be courses aimed at young people with some SN and there will be adaptations that can help her if she is interested in a course at a college. Likewise, she could receive support for housing as she gets older. I have a dd with very severe LD and ASD. Yes, she will live with us for longer than many but that doesn't mean I have ruled out her having her own place with care in place. It will require a slower pace and more planning that's all.

This isn't quite right, it's not illegal to employ someone under 18 although there are laws around working hours and pay 🙄

I have experience of a similar thing with our son. We let him stay at home and nature his interests and he has gradually come out of his shell and started to find his own way - he makes money online, has a GF who he met online. The worst ybing you can do is trying to push your DD or get her to conform to some expected vocational life. This will cause stress and will be counter productive. I would say support your daughter if you can in however she wants to live her life and it will all work out well in the end.

I have a DD in year 11, there are lots of 6th form open evenings going on at the moment and we have been to several already. Get booked onto a few, various 6th form/ college provision have different options including special needs provision and its worth talking to them to see what they can offer. It may help to reassure your DD and focus her on a direction to take. Our local college offer GCSE level maths and English along with other level 1 and 2 courses in practical subjects such as catering or health and social care if academic courses like A levels are too much. There are also courses in animal care and related outdoor subjects at our local agricultural college. They are used to dealing with additional needs. Ours also had courses for very special needs (foundation studies) teaching life skills- travelling by bus, how to clean the home, socialising in small groups etc.

Try calling a few places and I'm sure you will be pleasantly surprised. There may even be some places with residential courses that will give her a sense of independence, and you some freedom.
Good luck, very few 16 year olds are desperate to leave home, you should probably consider that as having done your job well.