AIBU to consider a future with DD staying at home?

[Thefutureisorangey]

Family consists of me, DH, DS (19, at university) and DD (16, in yr 11). We are starting to think about retirement but can't afford it without downsizing significantly. There is no other family.
DD is lovely, sweet, honest and vulnerable. Many diagnoses, including ASD, but not helpless - she just doesn't enjoy the chaos and noise of the world. We think she might scrape some grade 4s in her GCSEs. A levels wouldn't be academically appropriate, and our local colleges, though great and providing a brilliant provision, are rowdy and bustling.
So here is my AIBU. DD is showing no signs of ever wanting to fly the nest. She has explained this. We have tried to broaden her horizons but she is so introverted that even holidays now, if we could afford them, would be problematic. She wants to live with us "forever."
Has anybody got experience of this? In just a few months the school is going to want to know where her "destination" will be. Apprenticeships are crazily competitive, level 3 qualifications will be almost certainly too difficult for her, the level 2 qualifications that she's interested in are all very male-centred roles that she has recoiled from when she's actually experienced the environment, and I'm not sure what to do with her!
If we allow her to just stay at home, cleaning, cooking, volunteering for local old folk (which will very soon be us!), is that even an allowed thing?

I am reading this thread with interest, I have a 14 year old DD with ASD/ADHD and learning difficulties. She has the mental age of around 10/11. I am really worried about her future and how I can continue to be her carer and who will care for her when I am gone. It’s reassuring to hear how others do get there in the end, just in their own time.

There are people from the council that do check up on it. My friend is part of the team on our area that does.

There are people from the council that do check up on it. My friend is part of the team on our area that does.

At 16 my DS was really struggling. He has a long term physical health condition, has suffered with anxiety and is somewhere on the spectrum (but chose not to pursue a diagnosis). He didnt sit his GCSEs because he was just too poorly and at 16 his life was fairly limited.

With a lot of gentle encouragement he did an apprenticeship working for a very small stud farm, so working one on one with the business owner and spending a lot of time caring for the horses. This led on to further qualifications and he now lives in at work and at 23 is more independent than we would have ever imagined.

He still needs quite a bit of support from us and I dont know what the long term holds, but he has made a life for himself that is happy and fulfilling and thats all anyone can ask for. Dont give up hope, keep exploring the options and talking to her about what might be possible, you just never know what might be around the corner.

You could leave the house to her, not your son, if her needs are greater and he's self sufficient by then.

I have no advice but you sound like a truly loving, lovely mum.

Local authorities have a statutory duty to ensure all young people are in some form of education, employment or training. This is up until a young person is 18 (or 24 if they have an EHCP). There is no consequence if a young person decided not to engage though. Engagement is voluntary. The only thing that changes is a parents right to claim child benefit from 16yrs - 18yrs if the child is not in education.

some LAs offer support to help a young person to find appropriate education, employment or training. Other LAs don’t. They will all have a tracking team to chase young people and their destinations. This figure (note the number of young people, not the names of the young people) from the local authority is then reported to central government.

Do you have a link to support being in some form of education, training or employment with part time education/training until 18 is voluntary? Because I didn’t think it was and this government guidance doesn’t say the duty on young people to remain in education, training or employment with part time education/training unless one of the exceptions applies is voluntary.

EHCPs can last until 25 or 26 in some cases.

It is a worry as there's such pressure for them to stay in education until 18. Our local college offers work experience courses, or you could consider traineeships. I am fortunate that we pulled ours from school so we can officially home educate until they feel ready to study.

OK so I work in FE and I need to say a couple of things

1. She is 16 and is transitioning from school to 'what ever next'. This is a tough time for anyone, your child is going to feel this change even more having ASD.
2. At 16 she can't make decisions for the rest of her life. Right now she wants to stay at home. She is 16, this is normal. At 25, she may feel differently.
3. She does need to be in education or training of some sort. If she doesn't secure something she will be NEET and you could be prosecuted. In reality you probably won't be, but you could be.
4. If she takes a job, even voluntary, there must be a training element to it. I would recommend something like the PDSA, RSPCA, dogs trust or some other charity where she can do voluntary work and training alongside.

People aged 16-18 with SEND can't just take a job as a cleaner. If she has an EHCP the LA has to support till aged 25.

Get proper advice and don't ask people on a forum who don't understand the system. Find your local parent partnership and get support and advice. And don't project your fears. She deserves to have a life and be safe and secure financially. This might be uncomfortable in the immediate future but will help prepare her for the future.

It isn't voluntary. It is law that a YP must be in education or training. If a YP doesn't engage, parents can be prosecuted qnd any voluntary placements must offer training.
Most FE colleges offer supported learning programmes that teach life skills and emoyability.

No point marrying her off to a farmer We farmer's wives need educatiotions to degree level and careers of our own to provide for the farm and the family You need to speak to the ASN staff at school for advice

OP, you tell us what your daughter dislikes and what she struggles with but you don’t say what she likes and what she can do.
I sympathise with your fears for her managing outside your home, but do your hopes for her not extend beyond teenage and adult life caring for her elderly parents and then being left, isolated when they die? This isn’t the 1800s. What are you doing to help her confidence and what are you doing to reinforce her low aspirations?
If she doesn’t pass Maths and English she will have to re-sit them in a further education setting. Do you have a local school with a sixth form? This wouldn’t be the rowdy, noisy environment you fear for her. Some sixth forms cater for GCSE re-sits and she could take an additional subject at a higher level (BTec etc), maybe in a vocational subject.
If you haven’t already, you could start giving her experiences to gain confidence outside the house. Accompany her to the train station and assist her to buy a ticket to the next stop. Arrange to meet her there and treat her to a coffee shop visit before returning home by the same method. Gradually, you can build on this until she can manage the trip unaided. Unless she’s likely to need a carer for her needs when you’re not there, she will need life skills like this.
Please don’t mistake introversion for feebleness. Enjoying solitude is something many people find very difficult. If you imagine her cooking and cleaning for you she’s definitely a capable person in her own right. Why should you use her as an unpaid carer in your old age? Do you intend to give her a salary (the least she deserves for a life of drudgery)? Does she have a say in her future? It sounds like you’re thinking of yourself and expecting her just to acquiesce.

Has anyone come across a supported provision which offers courses in foreign language learning? My dd with ASD has a passion for learning foreign languages, did well at gcse but struggles hugely with writing extended essays so A levels weren’t possible. There doesn’t seem an alternative route into languages - I can’t find a btec type provision. It’s the only thing she has any spark for at all.

It sounds like there is a codependency issue maybe. You don’t believe she can ever accomplish anything or have any independence so to you her sitting in your house for the rest of her life is a good option. She is 16 and isolating her now and allowing her to avoid any future interaction or education or having any independence or doing anything meaningful with her life is setting her up for problems. There are few people who thrive on sitting at one doing nothing for decades. It can lead to even more entrenched mental health issues and a deep unhappiness.

I would actually instead encourage her and support her in building independent skills and engaging in things she does enjoy so there are meaningful activities in her life and in finding ways to encourage mastery.

Don’t write her off at 16.

Hopefully, when her parents pass (?- good bit in the future) she will have had contact with social services and other Health Care Providers. She sounds as though she will be able to ‘keep house and look after herself assuming the environment she is in is suitable . Having her around when your are at a stage in your life when you need assistance, is a win win situation. Saying that, she is still a young woman and things may change for her if she gets the right kind of support. I only have one out of theee left at home and the third one frequently talks about ‘when he moves out’. If it was up to me I would keep him forever 🥲 My husband on the other hand ……

@Autumn61 to me the idea of keeping a child at home for being quiet, and the added “benefit of her being able to look after her parents when they get old” is fairly archaic and selfish ;from the parents

give her wings, instead of clipping them

16 is young and a lot can change

@Autumn61 that is like going back in time when the spinster daughter had to stay at home whilst all her other siblings moved out and had lives of their own

For the future, would your son not take care of her?

@Stewball01 you can’t put that expectation on a sibling

I suggest you read Leonard and Hungry Paul. It’s a lovely book with two male characters that live happily with their parents into adulthood. Both men and very different from your daughter but they don’t follow the usual path of leaving home.

Yes, I didn’t think @Exsurrey was correct about it being voluntary.

I have a young friend on the ASD radar. They go to a college course specifically aimed at people with challenges with getting into employment. The course is called "Gateway to Employment" at Nartgarw college in Wales. The college even helps with placing the students in a work experience initially wide a view to being employed by that company. Worth a look to see if you have something similar locally.

(Sorry haven't RTFT, but have read all the OP's posts...) I agree completely with @Whatsleftnow . You don't have to have your DD's whole life planned out now. She is not yet ready for certain things, but she may be later.

I've been very reassured by my discussions with a friend who was a foster carer for decades; four of her young people stayed with her for many years. She specialised in taking on vulnerable young women, who often had neurodiversity. She told me that they tended to mature very significantly well into their 20s. For instance, she might have predicted that a particular 18yo would never be able to cope on her own, but by 25 she was quite capable. This is at odds with the view which our society and especially the school system pushes, which says young people suddenly become adults at 16/18 and need to be out in the world functioning completely with no help by that age.

I have a 16yo with a learning disability (not autism). She is much "younger" than her same-age peers. College isn't the right option in the near future, but maybe when she is older. She has been home educated all her life and so I think I have a different perspective, as we aren't surrounded by people saying BUT SHE'S FINISHED SCHOOL WHAT IS SHE GOING TO DO NOW?? I just keep on doing what I've been doing. For now, my job is to keep exposing her to different things and experiences and to keep developing her life skills and academic skills. She learned to read at 14 and is now getting to grips with arithmetic. She has no qualifications yet, but I think she may be ready for Functional Skills exams later on. The key point is that there's no hurry. She can move into the world as she is ready. It isn't a case of "grow up instantly or live your whole life with your parents".

When I talk to her about her future, I reassure her that she can live with us for a good few years to come. In passing, I also mention other possibilities for her future. She loves pets, for example, so I tell her that of course she can have as many pets as she is able to look after if she's living elsewhere, but many landlords don't allow pets so it might be tricky, and she will probably be house-sharing or living with a partner so she had better find someone else who likes pets too. So she starts to build visions of a future which doesn't involve living with us, and she starts to think about how to achieve her ambitions.

We talk about the types of jobs which suit different people, and watch people at work. She has done a bit of volunteering and will do more later. She knows eventually she'll need to get a job.

I would say my daughter's maturity level is about that of a 10 or 12 year old, and that is how I treat her. Long-term, her prospects are excellent. I don't have to make her do what other 16 year olds are doing. Her chronological age is a red herring.

Not true. The parents' legal duty to educate their young person ends when the child finishes Compulsry School Age, which is the last Friday in June in the school year in which the child turns 16. That hasn't changed.

Raising the participation age did place a legal duty on the young person to remain in education or training until their 18th birthday, but to date no penalties have been enacted for noncompliance. Aside from the benefits system (which in most cases prevents parents claiming for young people who aren't in full-time nonadvanced education, and prevents most under-18s from claiming in their own right) there are no consequences for failing to comply.

The door is open for the government to enact criminal penalties for noncompliance, but they haven't announced an intention to do so. I think it unlikely that they will do so any time soon, given that they haven't been able to provide decent universal access to suitable courses. It would be embarrassing to be seen to be prosecuting young people who want to go to college and can't.

I’m another asd parent, although mine are still primary age. It seems to me that if she only copes with a “small world” then that is the sort of workplace you need to set her up for. How is she with impulse control and recognising what is safe? Could she work with machinery? People with autism are often very detail oriented. Would carpentry/joinery appeal? Or agriculture? Or horticulture? There are plenty of jobs out there where the majority of it is done solo.

Horticulture is a field (excuse the pun) in which there are a lot of quiet, very caring people who would be understanding. It is also a joyful thing to do with your life with a great diversity of opportunities.

You can direct her toward a lot of courses and move to somewhere busier, but if she does not cope with the hubbub, isn’t she more likely to shut down? She needs to be steered into a quiet groove where she can feel comfortable around a few people I think, not toward the melée.