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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To rehome my pets?

125 replies

StrugglingStraw · 30/10/2022 14:00

Feeling very upset about this so please be gentle.

I've recently gone through awful, traumatic life changes and have been really suffering with my mental health. Things are so bad I've had to ask my parents if me and DC can stay with them for a few nights because I'm really going through it and can't look after myself properly right now, let alone my loving innocent DC.

One of the main stresses in my house are my cats. I have 3 and they've always leant towards the naughty side, mischievous, just cats in general I guess lol. But what with how I've been lately, they're always cooped up in the conservatory (litter trays and food/water in there with them) because I can't handle them anymore. Everything they do adds stress, one likes to mark his territory over everything (had him checked and he's healthy no medical issues) so almost every morning I wake up to find cat pee on something. They get into my cupboards, rip open bread or cereal boxes, they've ruined several carpets, and they howl if they're left in a room.

They're just very naughty cats, and now they're cooped up practically all day every day because I can't take their behaviour anymore.

I'm fully aware that I made the decision to get pets, and trust me I'm not taking this matter lightly. I adore them as individuals, but I'm not sure if I can give them what they need while I'm in this state, but I also don't think I'd be able to handle the guilt of giving them up, especially (hopefully) once I'm out of this depression pit.

Not to mention my DC love them to bits.

I feel like I'm in an impossible situation.

OP posts:
PerrinAybara · 30/10/2022 14:49

Do any local charities offer fostering? That way the cats get looked after properly whilst you regroup and make a long term decision about them.

Swansridinghorses · 30/10/2022 14:53

Marking in everything is a sign of stress and three indoor cats together can be a cause of that. Cats don’t in the whole really like being in close proximity to other cats. Is there no option for them to go outdoors? If not they need far more enrichment. Or consider rehoming at least two of them. Please visit the icatcare website on multicast households as it might help and consider things like feliway friends to help too

liveforsummer · 30/10/2022 14:58

I feel a lot of this could be solved by allow them outside. Is this really not an option? As above cats kept inside, especially cats will often become stressed. Some cats do ok being indoor pets but yours don't sound like they are suited

ladydimitrescu · 30/10/2022 15:00

Are they neutered?
Opening bread and howling when locked in a room isn't naughty - it's being a cat.

NameChange1718 · 30/10/2022 15:03

Rehome them, OP.

They sound really stressed which isn’t helping your stress which in turn is making them more stressed. It’s a vicious cycle.

Do you feel able to vet homes and enable them to transition directly into another house and avoid a shelter? No shame if not but I think this would be the least stressful option for them now and try not to feel too bad.

I’m a final year veterinary student and I’ve seen a lot of people encounter hardship over the last couple of months. I’ve seen an increase in dumped animals, perfectly well kept ‘strays’ handed over that look like the owner is desperately surrendering them to anyone who will take them, awful awful things and then just desperate owners that can’t afford vet bills anymore. Circumstances change and as long as you act in their best interests as much as you can then no judgement from me at all

NameChange1718 · 30/10/2022 15:06

Just for an instant solution… do you have 1 litter tray per cat plus an extra? That’s the absolute minimum you should have and may help with the spraying.

and do you give them areas to eat away from each other to avoid competition and stress on that front?

Gemmanorthdevon · 30/10/2022 15:09

Rehome these cats so they can get the help they need and live their best life.

They are not " naughty" ..they are animals with behaviours and instincts. They also have a right to roam, because they need to in order to behave like a cat... that means outside. It doesn't sound like they went outside prior to them being imprisoned in your conservatory ( due to your comment about them being " allowed anywhere in the house" .) ...that suggests they are well into habits and behaviours trying to keep themselves stimulated, have a chance at some territory and navigate their instincts. They don't understand house rules, and they dont do things to piss you off.

Once these guys have the home they need and guardians that understand them, they will be fine. Ive rescued cats its taken me a few years to calm down from whatever they came from. It will be expected.

Please don't think I'm suggesting you don't love them, or any of this is intentional, but this cant be doing anybody any good. Least of all the cats.

SnarkyBag · 30/10/2022 15:12

Rehome them via a reputable animal charity. Cats won’t care about being kept together and most are pretty ambivalent about the human that puts food in their bowl.

We had a cat and then we got a second cat and first cat became an anti social recluse. When second cat died a decade later first cat became a lap cat overnight ‘twas the weirdest personality change I’ve ever seen. Honestly doesn’t sound like your three cats are happy in their environment.

Original poster
StrugglingStraw · 30/10/2022 15:15

I'm not in a good place right now so I'm choosing to ignore the negative comments, but I will say that 'naughty' is different to everyone, but naughty to me means they'll get into the cupboards and spill things or rip bread/rolls open, they scratch the furniture despite having toys/scratching posts, and nothing seems to work to change this behaviour ie Feliway, distractions, etc. I've even put childproof locks on things but they still manage to work it out (pretty sure they've formed a gang and will work together on things like this lol). I know i

OP posts:
Original poster
StrugglingStraw · 30/10/2022 15:16

Pressed send too quickly

I feel guilty about keeping them in the conservatory, and I'd feel awful about rehousing them. I'm going to talk to my DC about it but I know they'll be devastated, which adds to my guilt.

OP posts:
AllThingsServeTheBeam · 30/10/2022 15:18

You've still not answered if they go out OP?

SwordToFlamethrower · 30/10/2022 15:19

Get rid. Don't feel guilty, you come first

ShutYerYapAndGetOnWithIt · 30/10/2022 15:19

The cats are not "naughty". They are exhibiting those behaviours because you're keeping them cooped up. Please rehome them to someone with time, space, patience and experience.

MyBabyLaura · 30/10/2022 15:25

I voted YABU. I got as far as the one marking territory and destroying the contents of your home. Nobody wants cats like this OP, nobody. If you don't want them do the right thing and have them PTS. Someone has to, otherwise they'll be rehomed over and over again. Spare them the stress of that. Animal charities are chock full of unwanted pets, they don't get much fuss and attention, they get the basic care. They all come to the door/front/glass hopefully when you go down the aisle, desperate for some love that nobody has time to give them. If nobody adopts them, that's their life until they die. Don't pass them on unless you can do something about their problems that turns them into the kind of pets people actually want. There are no magic homes out there filled with magic people who decide to deliberately get a pet that's annoying, hard work and causes added expense from destroyed items.

AllThingsServeTheBeam · 30/10/2022 15:25

How old are DC? Can they help? My DC are 8 and almost 11 and they help alot with our cats.

Goldpaw · 30/10/2022 15:26

These cats are stressed and unhappy and your solution is to shut them in the conservatory. No wonder they're "naughty".

Please take them to an animal charity and allow them to be rehomed more suitably.

You know perfectly well you can't look after them properly. It's selfish to keep them.

liveforsummer · 30/10/2022 15:26

I don't really see any negative comments. All are truthful. You've not answered why the cats don't go outside as this is highly likely to be the source of your problem, explained well by a pp

FictionalCharacter · 30/10/2022 15:27

You keep saying naughty and you don't seem to be taking on board what everyone is telling you - this behaviour is a sign that they are unhappy and understimulated.
Tell the kids the cats need to go to a home that suits them better. They'll be sad yes, but it's the best option all round.

Stickytreacle · 30/10/2022 15:27

ShutYerYapAndGetOnWithIt · 30/10/2022 15:19

The cats are not "naughty". They are exhibiting those behaviours because you're keeping them cooped up. Please rehome them to someone with time, space, patience and experience.

This, your cats need an environment to explore and less stress, they really aren't naughty, just as you are stressed they will be feeling the same. Best thing is to rehome responsibly.

Goldencarp · 30/10/2022 15:34

AllThingsServeTheBeam · 30/10/2022 14:27

This.

There was a stupid American TV show called the cat whisperer or something stupid and most of the issues on that would have been solved by just letting the cats outside

Show quote history

Omg I used to think this! I remember on one show the stupid man saw a neighbours cat outside and started telling her how irresponsible she was 😡. Bored cats. I had to keep my lovely cat in for three months once following an operation. He ripped the house apart, pulled curtains down, destroyed the sofas etc. he was previously a lovely placid cat. I’ve never been so relieved when he was well enough to go out!

Cw112 · 30/10/2022 15:34

RealBecca · 30/10/2022 14:11

I mean this from a good place but who is going to want them? They sound difficult. I think you ought to invest in an animal behaviourist. Possibly speak to a boarding facility to give you a break.

I got my cat from a shelter and he initially marked everywhere and had fear based aggression. It took me about 6 months to work with him on the urinating and about a year to break the aggression completely. If you use a reputable rehoming centre they'll find someone who's committed to looking after your cats and who will work with any behavioural issues they might have you just need to be completely honest with the shelter about the personalities and their tenancies so they are fully informed and can make the right match. So don't assume that noone will take them and love them just as much as you do. It sounds like you're having a really hard time and you need to put your mental health and your child first so you can get to a better place in yourself. You probably will feel a little guilty because it's a painful decision to make and I don't envy you having to make it. I'd write a wee letter to yourself just saying how hard it all is so if you get to a better point later and regret your decision you can read it and remember that it was the right choice for you at the time. I hope things start to get better for you and you get all the support you need.

MintyFreshOne · 30/10/2022 15:34

There was a stupid American TV show called the cat whisperer or something stupid and most of the issues on that would have been solved by just letting the cats outside

yeah where they’d get hit by a car or eaten by coyotes. There are good reasons Americans keep them indoors.

(sorry hope this doesn’t derail thread)

OP if your children are old enough, let them take over pet care and see if this reduces stress levels for you. If they love them as you say, they should welcome it (especially if the alternative is rehoming)

AllThingsServeTheBeam · 30/10/2022 15:35

MintyFreshOne · 30/10/2022 15:34

There was a stupid American TV show called the cat whisperer or something stupid and most of the issues on that would have been solved by just letting the cats outside

yeah where they’d get hit by a car or eaten by coyotes. There are good reasons Americans keep them indoors.

(sorry hope this doesn’t derail thread)

OP if your children are old enough, let them take over pet care and see if this reduces stress levels for you. If they love them as you say, they should welcome it (especially if the alternative is rehoming)

Did I say to roam?

Els1e · 30/10/2022 15:35

I wouldn’t normally say this. Yes, in these circumstances, I would say you’re right to re home the cats. It sounds like you’re all making each other unhappy. Be fair to the cats and try proper cat rescue organisations first. Then focus your children and your own wellbeing. 💐

PropertyGeek525 · 30/10/2022 15:38

I’ve been through similar with a different type of animal. I was suffering from PND and the pet didn’t accept my youngest so life had become really hard. Although it was devastating, I rehomed and it was the best decision for my family and the pet. They went to an amazing home and I got a letter from the new owners and that was very reassuring. It took e a few years to get over and I still cry now, 5 years on, but it was absolutely the best option for us and the pet was better off.

We have gone on to get another pet (different animal) and we are it’s forever home however after this one passes, we won’t get anymore.